On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan


I found this a video worth sharing. Due to the ‘mine’ and ‘yours’ and hygiene you will not find me donating my menstruation blood to a vegetable garden but all other I am quite ok with. πŸ™‚ But most of all she verbs what I have been searching for all my life: the idea behind menstruation and internal energy. And I know for a personal fact that getting moon ‘light’ actually changes stuff internally.

Teal Swan is an acquired taste but I like her very much for what I have seen of her. She is the woman who invented ‘What would a woman who loves herself do.’ So how could I not like her?

If you have difficulty watching her, what I had the first time I saw her, try to see if the way she shaped her eyebrows bothers you. They are (sorry, seem to be) not congruent with her, (to me) that is misleading. Not sure if it is on purpose or a left over of her modelling times.

Whatever. She has a way of wording things which I like and I hold her in high regard for finding her way in this world.

Hope it brings you something. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. Wow! I see on the calender that it is the 25th again so counting back I am 2 years and 10 months sober.

A woman who loves herself would put on socks (still an issue) and she would work out how to quit binge eating. I am getting out of control. Saw some photo’s of me and I have gone too far. I weigh 82 kilo’s again at length 1.65 so that is too much. I have weighed 48 at this length too. Which obviously was too little but just to show it it possible too without falling apart. I always seem to weigh at least 15 kilo more on a photo than I think I weigh. πŸ™‚ I seriously think I have reversed body-dysmorphia. πŸ™‚ Which is a BS description of it because the term itself says dysmorphia so there is no forward or reversed version of it but I guess you know what I mean: I think I am fabulous but as a matter of fact I am pretty overweight.

Note: from here on I move over to rambling, not writing. Wanna let the darkness out, see what it does. See what I do when I let go. Discover my intentions.

My food has gone out of control because my joblife has been too taxing in the last year. It is about this time last year that I had the concussion and that my former boss started getting downright nasty. I have been in stress about work ever since. I make about twice as much money now which makes it easier not to have financial stress. That is good.

What it comes down to is that I have an addictive personality; I want out but take the wrong way. I want to not feel, and I mistreat my body with sugar to stay quiet. I am waiting for some insight to change all this. Like with alcohol; in hindsight I did not have to do a lot for that, I just read a book, did some online training and quit on the insight that alcohol is bad (mkay?).

I feel that all my determination is reserved for not drinking, that I can not do anything else with the same resolve, not even working. And in between I keep on gathering information to answer all the 10.001 questions I have about life and work and I do not read more that 10 – 20 pages of one book. Can’t focus, don’t want to be still. Monkey brain running. At work I can better, but sometimes not either. I’m gonna take my egg-timer to work. I’m gonna use my egg-timer to do anything and remind me of:

  • focus
  • what would a woman who loves herself do?
  • how do I treat my body right now?

That should be enough to ponder on for the oncoming years. πŸ™‚ I noticed in the last months that a women who loves herself would drown herself in chocolate because reality was too difficult. But it is really getting to me now.

I need to change and I seem to not be able to do it. I had added the word ‘alone’ to it and then I deleted that. πŸ˜€ Gheghegheghe… still can’t go there.

What do I think I need to lose weight / to stop binge eating chocolate?Β  (and dates btw)

Edit: the below answer comes from the deep. Maybe it is only today, maybe this is how I think about the world for real. Not sure. Will find out in the future I guess. It is weird. Even for me to ‘hear’ this.

I want the world to be different. Totally. I find this world stupid and it is in the way of what I want. (Whoah! How about talking with the inner demon?). The world frustrates me and is in the way of what I want. Most people are. (WTF?!) I can not let my energy out, everything keeps on getting blocked. I keep on being put on an energetic sidetrack. There is this path and it goes straight from my core to what I am and where I need to be and I keep on getting blocked. I keep on getting side tracked. I keep on side tracking myself. I do not take that road as serious as I now think it is. I keep wasting my time. To walk that road is to walk in my destiny but I do not dare to because the powers there are BIG. Or maybe I just need toΒ  get to the center of the storm.

I have the right to be happy. I have the right to be whole. I have the right to make myself whole. I have the right to be me. I have the right to be me inclusive of all the weirdness that I have, that I am. I do not think I am more weird than other people, I just think other people do not (dare to) know it of themselves. I am brave.

So how come I am so not brave when it comes to food? How come I panick and have difficulty to write about it. Actually I am not writing, I am rambling and seeing what shows up. Letting the tantrum out to see what lies underneath.

I have a feeling overload now and my reaction to it is to go buy stuff. I have long suspected that I have a buy-addiction but I sort of manage it by buying tiny stuff like matches if I do not feel satisfied with the normal groceries. I also buy and collect books. This week was an all times high: I bought a historic book on practices and products which were related to my consultancy job (from 5 year-ish ago) but I would not even have bought then because of no use now to me. I just bought it because it is historic and therefore has value. To someone, somewhere. I just want to have it.

I tend to want to collect information before I act. But I never finish.

My eyes see a card on the wall, it has a text and says: “Whenever you got all your ducks in a row, beware of the domino effect.”Β  πŸ™‚

Ghegheghe, monkey mind taking me away from what was. I was overwhelmed by the megalomanious answer of the what, obstructed toddler in me? Not sure where that answer came from. Feels true πŸ˜€ but it is not always around. Going to full rambling now.

I have been thinking that I should re-read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ and put the word ‘sugar’ where it says alcohol. Does sort of the same for me anyhow. I’ve been thinking all kinds of stuff but not wanting to pursue. I do not want to do difficult stuff anymore. I feel I have been doing enough difficult stuff in the last years. But I also feel I am trapping myself in addiction again and again and again. If not with food, it is with Netflixing, if not with Netflixing it is with falling in love with yet another person who does not answer. And most of the time I do all 3 at the same time. Ooh, and I include berating myself. And overfeeling. Feelings are indications. Feelings are tools. Feelings are not meant to blow me away continuously. But I’m not living by that. I let everything happen. I have gon lazy. Or tired. Not sure. Overwhelmed for sure but I am not picking it back up. My boss needs me to go pick it back up.

I need me to go pick me back up. I want to live consciously. I do not want to be thrown about by addictive behaviour. I want to continue my path. Not stall in just another chocolaty corner I found to hide in. Another Lala-land, another Candy land.

Afbeeldingsresultaat voor candyland

I believe at one stage in this blog I told you about the Ayahyasca experience I did years ago. While being under the influence of this (natural) drug I had this vision of a city made of man-sized candy. It started of with a kaleidoscope of the brands of Coca-cola and McDonalds and I was SO OFFENDED that this took place in MY head. In hindsight it is pretty cool to realise that the brain can in fact produce a perfect, perfect, moving kaleidoscopic movie of 2 brands both of which I would not be able to draw with my conscious mind but my drug induced brain turned it into perfection. F! I was mad. Obviously both the sugar village and the coke and McD where metaphors for my drinking then. Or possibly my binge eating now. πŸ™‚ When looking at the above picture of sugar land I feel nauseous. And still: that is what I do to myself. Again and again and again.

Gerelateerde afbeelding

And I do not want to wake up. Or possibly I am struggling to wake up. Hmmm,Β  more like it: I do not want to realise that I am struggling. That would mean that I do not have control. Aah…. haha, trap. Admit that we are powerless. πŸ™‚

As you might know I never did a 12 steps thing. I do find it interesting that a lot of my endeavours entail the same experiences / learning things as a 12 steps process but not necessarily in the same order. When quitting alcohol I had troubles with the admitting that I was powerless over alcohol. I think I am close to realising that now. In order to deal with it I changed it into: “I am powerless when alcohol is in my body which is why I need to make sure that it does not get there.” There is also another trick to that: whenever I keep it out, I do not have to admit that I am in fact powerless. So as a matter of fact it is a pride thing which keeps me sober. πŸ˜€ My fear of having to go to AA is and admitting that I am powerless is so big that I stay sober. Ghegheghe, whatever way works. πŸ˜€ (But yeah, this attitude does not sound sustainable I would say. Pride and shame never are – but it is not only that, it is also that I want to be done with the moaning and the destruction.)

Yeah, that is it. I want to be done with the moaning. I use moaning, confusion, addiction as means to not be. To not stand in my power. I am afraid of me when clear. I am afraid of really seeing. It is overwhelming. So I sabotage me.Β  I am done.

Gonna do something with my life. I am sooooo sick of sabotaging me. Blegh. I’m gonna have a shower, put on some socks, do some healthy shopping.

See you later.

I am happy that I quit. And if you are still reading this rambling text (hurrah for your perseverance!) I hope you are happy that you quit too! πŸ™‚ No matter the obstacles I put in my way, it is worth it because now I can learn that I do that. When drinking I did not learn a lot. Not learning is killing. Choosing life is good and it is rewarded. Ha! That makes it easier. Choosing destruction is not so good, and it gets answered too. Which makes it nasty. Which is just a warning. πŸ™‚ That’s how simple it is. I think. Need to go put that into action. πŸ™‚

Thank you for reading. πŸ™‚ Hope it brings you something too. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling


22 thoughts on “On menstruation and periods – Teal Swan

  1. I’m with you feeling. I am with all the sugar/food self sabotaging, not loving myself stage. Congrats on you 2+ years. I remember when you started. I wish I had stuck with it then as well and I could say that I was 2+ years sober now.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I appreciate them

    Liked by 3 people

      • Aw Habitdone! Thank you for reading my blog. I love you for that. Thank you also on acknowledging my 10 days…at 11pm tonight, it will be 14 and that puts a smile on my face. You’re not a wuss! This shit is hard no matter the circumstances. Hardest shit ever, ino

        Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Light,
      Thanks, loving ourself seems to be a difficult thing. It is so fundamental and somehow we do/did not learn. I would think it is biologically counterproductive but not loving thyself is wide spread.
      I don’t have all the answers to not drinking, and I also wished then that you had stuck with it then. Not so much because ‘that is the only good way’ but because I fear that you have been going through hell or something alike in the last year +. I do not want that for anybody. And I can say ‘I hope things in your life are easier now.’, but from what I read I fear that is not so. What I do know is that there is no problem that does not get worse with alcohol and drugs.
      Thank you for reading through another strange post of mine. πŸ™‚ I can let the weird out here and that really helps me.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • Glad it helps you πŸ™‚ ❀ Honesty and showing vulnerability without hiding or trying to make me look better is what I like to contribute to this sober blogosphere. To me personally it is an antidote to drinking. And a pressure release. Ghegheghe, you can possibly imagine how I need to normalise myself during day time. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ Pretty stressful πŸ™‚
        Let your weird light shine, so other weirdos will know where to find you!
        xx, Feeling
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I share the tendency to want to have all the information. It become paralyzingly.
    I have stopped undermining myself. Once I choose my action I stop reading alternate views. Perhaps I’m missing something, but at least I am at peace.

    As for the food…sugar isn’t the demon. Its the soothing of eating, buying, etc.

    I find making a meal plan and just sticking to it helps. I make myself eat my dinner and then if I want the chocolate I have it. I end up eating much less this way.

    Shopping is also my “treat”. I have more books than I need as well…and many waiting to be read. Sigh. It is still within my budget. So I think it’s ok.

    Big hug. Small changes. I know our all or nothing minds don’t like that thought, but it actually works.


    Liked by 1 person

    • Aaah! I got myself in an all or nothing trap again. Thank you. Ha! I was wondering why I felt so trapped and powerless. Hihihihihi, does it ever end?
      Baby steps. I just need to find them. I started using my egg timer again and set it to 10 minutes on the subject ‘Focus’, ‘Food’ and ‘Mood’. And… then I left it at work.
      Selfsabotage. It is good to hear that you stopped undermining yourself. At work I am learning to trust on my gut instincts; no deep analyses, more action.
      Thank you for reading through this strangest post of strange posts. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hi Feeling!
    I am back!
    I thought of you while on vacation in Montreal, because we rode 30 kilometers on rented bikes to see cool sculptures.
    As humans, we will struggle. We will dark times and light times.
    But as you said, there was no learning when are drinking.
    Big Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy,
      Cool biketour, 30 km is nice! I am looking at a map of Montreal now and it looks like a very green city. Is it very hilly?
      And yes, dark times, light times. I am happy you and everybody are here in the sober blogophere to throw some light on my path when I am not able to see. Thank you for that and thank you for reading through this strange post. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I completely related to the body image part. I, too, think I look good and even have a mirror opposite my closet….that apparently is very kind to me, haha. I catch my self in photos and I’m like “whaattt??” “who is that fat girl?” Or I see myself in a different mirror and I think “where did all that fat come from?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hahaha! Yes, I had that whaaaaat?!! experience. :-). It is eh, strange. Shocking. I still bump into things behind me because I never think my bum ends where it does. πŸ™‚
      As Anne reminded me: babysteps. πŸ™‚ See where they bring me.
      xx, Feeling


      • Lol, yep my bum gets in the way too. fyi, I commented on LODs comment because I can’t seem to post a comment on her blog….trying to figure that out! Sorry to be confusing!

        Liked by 1 person

      • No problem! If you want to comment you need to click the blogpost title first. When you can see the likes from other people too, like my avatar, you can scroll down and comment. Sometimes these comments don’t become visible on the blog immediately because a first blog reply from somebody needs to be Approved by the writer. And blog writers have settings so only the blog writer can make things visible. That is a security thing.
        Hope it helps! πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling


  5. I totally relate to the reverse body dysmorphia. I’m probably about 8 pounds heavier than I’d like but I look in the mirror and honestly can’t tell even though I feel it in how my clothing fits and when I see pictures of myself, I think, “Gee, do I really look like this to other people?”.

    I have issues with food, I’m either over-controlling my eating to the point of being anxious about eating things or I swing you my current phase of eat whatever I want, when I want with zero moderation. I’d love to find a happy medium.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi CF,
      And here I am wishing I could be controlling. πŸ˜€ Which, no, actually that is not true because in with my current state of being I know that I would compensate over-controlling with over indulging.
      Well, the only thing I have to do now is set my timer every 10 minutes and check on me. I got a sticker on it mentioning ‘Focus’, ‘Food’ and ‘Mood’. I take 10 seconds to check and possibly reset my intentions. Let’s see where that brings me.
      They say that bad habits can easier be replaced than they can be ruled out. I think I should replace with reading and handycrafts or something. Being alive again. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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