Clinging to the non-clinging (?!)

This morning I wrote the previous post ‘Dying is not the problem – sort-of= ish‘ And when re-reading it I found what I had noticed earlier that I write about ‘upholding the status of not clinging’ which, in grown up terms would probably refer to non attachment but in my specific issue here it was not ‘just’ attachment, it was clinging. So I call it clinging.

“Now the practise for me is to maintain and uphold the status of ‘not clinging’ insight in daily life. Ghegheghe….. guess that will take some practise since we live in a world where clinging, wanting, striving is very much stimulated as a tool to ‘make you happy’. “

Did anyone notice the strangeness of upholding ‘not clinging’. Contradictio in adjecto much? To really arrive back again (?) at the place where I had this beautiful, freeing insight I guess I should exactly NOT be clinging to the non-clinging. 😀 New Task. Can be done I guess, it is like letting the train of an urge to drink pass by without attaching. And then for every train, no matter what is on it. Hihihihihi…. easy peasy ?????!!!

” Then what would I do in Life?? If I do not cling, if I do not have opinions? What is left of me?” Shouted the caddis I am. A caddis is a larvae of some insect, it lives under water and gathers all kinds of pieces of ‘rubbish’ which get built into a armour to protect its delicate skin, its life. I feel I do that with fears, with experiences, with well, whatever; building an outer armours to fend new experiences off. To not be touched, not be hurt again. My system reacts as if touching, in the sense of being touched equals pain for me. Seems to be an addicty trait. But disconnecting and carrying rubbish around also hurts. 🙂

kokerjuffer

Things are shifting, things have shifted in the last 3,5 years. Very slowly the armour gets lighter. Sometimes it gets heavier but that also means clearer. The systems that uphold the armour and the systems which are uphelt by the armer get clearer and lose their energetic intensity. Or, when getting more intense, they also get clearer.

I am still reading ‘There is nothing wrong with you’ from Cheri Huber but now 2-4 pages a day. I’m at the part where I need to understand (WTF) I need to do with my life if I do not criticise myself and put me down.

Live without attachment to the outcome. Or so they say. Currently not exactly sure that is what Cheri says. I’m not there yet. I need to practise the feel of that more in order to continue reading. Possibly I need to re-read stuff. How do other people do that? I have friends who read several books a month. I can’t. Too intense. My cells don’t shift so quickly.

A lot of books are written on the subject of not attaching. I have read a few. I am guessing this is one of those experiences I need to feel through in combination with some exploration by the mind. I am thinking today I found a good experience to remember and hopefully to re-experience. My heart however is still shifted into a cramp and I keep on burping.

It is time to go to bed. In addition to writing the above I need to add here that since a few weeks I am taking added Iodine and some Schuessler salts. The salts are specifically for letting go. Some of them help me lose water weight too. Which…..  I am not sure (I am VERY SURE) if I am fooling myself because I eat a bag of chips and some very salty cheese in really hot weather without drinking a lot and then go ‘Whoops, I need to shed waterweight because my feet are swelling up’. Abuse, just comes easy to me. It could be a song. But I am learning. Right now my heart (!!!) softly tells me: you do not have to write that. No need, let go.

I feel my heart is coming alive again. Today I walked up 4 long stairs and I was a little out of breath and my heart was pumping. My first reaction was fear but then I remembered the pride I used to feel as a child in the strength of my body and everything changed. The air I was taking in was not a desperate gasp but life bringing oxygen. The pumping of my heart not a desperate attempt to stay alive but the strong beating of a heart which joins with the body to do work.

Did I tell you the hug-buddy missed me and invited himself back over. Hmmm, it is like an addiction; stop for a while without really pulling out the root of the desire…. the attachment deepens when you re-connect again. And yes, I know, when it comes to man-women things that comparison could be perceived a little awkward…. But I guess that is the revengeful bitch in me speaking. Pulling out roots. Ghegheghe… did not do that.  That sounds weird too. Gonna leave it in here thought because I resorted to a little aggressive behaviour and this comparison is part of that. Same shit as talking about pulling out roots. Not good. Ramadan coming up next Tuesday, no hugging with the hug-buddy so he says. That is good -> talk time.

I am grateful I do not drink anymore. A few posts ago I wondered about my sobriety. I have reset my wish for sobriety and clarity, newly expressed it to myself and that feels way better. I guess I was taking it for granted like ‘3,5 years no problem, what’s gonna happen to me now’. But that is not sobriety. I need intent to become clear. Move beyond only the not drinking. Not drinking is only a ‘tool’. Or more like an area of destructive behaviour I should not move into when I want to become clear. I guess today the experience of being able to, for a certain amount of time, be conscious of letting go of attachment to my dying brother has helped me with that. Being clear is good.

Thank you for reading. I wish you a good sober day or evening or weekend! Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

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Epiphany

I woke up last night and had this epiphany (had to look that word up) about my food intake. My nutritionist and I had worked out that I need to take a look at doing 10.001 things at the same time. I did. And I do do 10.001 things at the same time and have difficulty focussing on anything but typing. It is irritating because I get to nothing and my rice always burns. It’s another addiction. It’s funny to realise through this process of getting sober and, well, working towards my goal of getting ‘clear’ and aligned with my spirit it that I am sort of running in circles – but at every turn spiralling inward a little. So step by step, turn by turn, day by day things that are unreal get chipped away from me. Like the tiny pieces of the caddis larvae leaving me. The pieces are about ‘opinions’ – all these opinions, pffff. The are about fear of not being seen and they are about fear of being seen. Fear of being loved and fear of not being loved. About bullshitting myself – loads of that going on. 🙂

https://feelingmywaybackintolife.files.wordpress.com/2014/08/kokerjuffer.jpg?w=300&h=202

Here is the larvae of a cadis, it has a soft outer skin so in order to survive it builds a little case around itself to protect itself against predators. There is also an art project where the artist gave the larvae tiny jewels to build the case with. 🙂 Lovely. Well, that is not me. I’ve build the case with angry and confused defense reactions to painful situations. So I guess it would be wise to let some of it go.

And now I guess I have walked into another addiction and I guess I will call it ‘diversion’. Had to look that up too, not sure if I chose the right word but I notice now that I get diverted easily and I LIKE IT. And it is not getting me anywhere. So…. things about diversion and how I deal with it pop up. As last night…

Not sure since when, but it must be YEARS, I have this constant intake of food and drink. Constantly stuffing my face as in a not wanting to feel what is actually going on – being with discomfort. And now, after about 5,5 months not drinking, it suddenly bothers me – at night of course, what other moment would me suitable for that? :-/

So I lay in my bed and I probed towards the usual foods that I take and I got a no on most of them. So…. gonna do a 2 weeks of brown eco rice, vegetables, little fruit, fish, herb tea and hot water. Let’s see how that will work out. No promises. The conversation I had with me said 2 weeks because of something that did not become clear, but was somehow important. Yes, vague, I know. Just noting it down for my own check-back thingy. But hey, why not give it a shot. Guessing it is worth it. Again, no promises. 🙂

Have a nice day! 🙂

Scared to chuck out the empty booze bottles

 

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Feel like a caddis, cleaning but scared to chuck away the empty booze bottles. 🙂 I still have half a glass of wine standing in the kitchen. It is the bottom half of my last glass of alcohol. I couldn’t finish it anymore because of the brainwashing I was giving myself when drinking the last night. It has these little flies in it now, and fungy. It’s a good reminder of things gone and natural process. Wonder when I will throw that out. And what I’ll do if somebody walks in. Gheghegheghe.