Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge 😦 ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. 🙂 I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. 🙂 I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. 😉 Hey, this is my blog, ok? 🙂

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. 😀 Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! 🙂

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

On feeling my way back into life and recognising discomfort, and a little on love.

I have been trying to feel my way through life, well, back into life after having lived destructively for years. And in the process I thought that good, positive feelings were the only thing to guide me. And I followed the good feelings. 🙂 And it has brought me where I am now, 4,5 months sober and LOVING IT MORE THAN I EVER LOVED A BEER.

So, just by following the good feelings I am where I am. However, I have quite some feelings that make me uncomfortable. And after having seen the video on fixing problems and procrastinating that somehow included the subject alcohol too – I got an entry in procrastinating. I feel I put the brake on things because there is so much shit happening that I can not deal with more. So when I let go of my guilt about that I realised that there is a shitload of discomfort in me and…. that I don’t listen to it. 😀

So next, I realised that listening to the nice stuff is not enough. If I want to heal I also need to listen to and act upon that what makes me feel uncomfortable. Like the A-word, that would be administration in my case… Brrrrrrrr…… 15 Days left to do a whole year of VAT admin. Which is totally manageable when I start on time.

Recognising that I have these feelings of discomfort gives a lot of room inside. I do not need to keep the lid on anymore. So haha, did I clean my house? No, I started to blog of course :-). I did plant my Amaryllis and arranged a new, way cheaper phone contract.

I am VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Best decision in my life. Good work.

I want: still want things to be ‘over’ so I don’t have to do the difficult stuff. And I want to go outside because the sun is shining and I need to pick up another book.

I need: dunno? I am reacting so positively to these Schuessler cell salts, maybe I should take the one that says: ‘makes you get a move on, for those that procrastinate.’ :-D. I imagine that you fall of your chair by now because you are surprised in a explosive way because I have not taken that yet. It’s too soon. I need to round off the circle of the blood pressure. Go to the GP, get checked, hand in the rest of my medication and have a ritual celebration. That probably includes buying something :-).

The path is the destination. This video was the second thing on my path today. Since I watched it the cat follows me around through the house and stares at me and wants to be with me :-). Dna, or at least cell changing breakthroughs are being made here. I thought I would share it with you. It is about love, I call it universal love. It’s about what I had thought up/feeled up on how it work following Ayahuasca session. But he says it way nicer. Enjoy!

Aaahrg!!! Admin!!!

So much for the Facebooklike post. And you want to know why I don’t evolve, well because it is fucking difficult!

‘No you think it is difficult, you have done this before. You can do it.’

‘NOOO, this time it is much more.’

‘Then think how much better you will feel afterwards.’

‘NOOOO!!!!!’

‘Grow up!!!’

‘NOOOOOOOO!!!’

‘All the problems that you have exist simply because you don’t want to grow up. At some level we don’t want to take responsibility.’

‘NOOOOOOO, well, YESSSSSSSSS! I don’t want to grow up!!

Sigh, what about asking for help? The only one that I know is smart in what I am doing is a person that berates me for everything I do so that is very uncomfortable. Or I only choose her so I can exactly not help me. I never know that with me. I don’t like admin because it confronts me with where I am failing. I don’t want to fail, if I fail I don’t have the right to live so I can’t really fail.

‘Is this how you feel about others too?’

‘No!’

‘Why not?’

‘Because failing is human.’

‘So why can others fail and you not?’

‘Because I am a super human.’

‘You are the superhuman and your superpower is not doing admin?’

‘YES!! When I stall and stall and stall (and drink enough) it will go away. I will not feel it.’

My rational brain does know that my reactions are ‘nonsense’ and that I panick into sovereignty or arrogance but also I do not know how to approach this intense fear of failure. My ‘thinking’ goes into panick mode immediately.

Maybe it is like going to the dentist; don’t worry, just do it, it will be over in half an hour. I learned to go to the dentist. It took me about 3 years and a good dentist. I actually am ‘thinking’ of making dentist appointments to get my old metal fillings out right now just to outweigh the fear of admin that I have. If it were somebody elses admin I would just do it, no problem. I can not ‘carry it’, it is too heavy. But it is not! I have done this before. I can do it. There is a part of my brain that does not believe that, it goes into panick mode immediately.

Wondering how I did that with drinking. With drinking I had a rock bottom and that propelled me towards finding solutions. Part of that rock bottom is my meagre financial situation. I need to fix this admin issue if I want to stay sober. Hmmm, that makes a difference. Now there is a big picture and admin is a part of it. People that are afraid of spiders do not realise the size of the animal. I might not realise the size of the admin. Maybe it is smaller?

Did I tell you I may have an outlook on very nice work? I was on a fair yesterday and I got into a really nice conversation with people who were active in my former business. I will follow-up on it on Wednesday. There is a good thing about being sober: I connect better with people. Maybe I should try to maintain that same centering that I do with new people on admin, not jump out into fear. Ha! Ghegheghe… there at least is a way of telling myself how and when I ‘take off’ into panick.

Try 783 on the admin coming up. 🙂