I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

Ha, I’m doing this writing standing again, moved my computer to the living room on a high table and remove the chair in order to (semi) naturally cut down my online time.

I’ve been eating rice, beans, vegetables, eggs and nuts for 2 days now. Diarrhea is back big time. Just going to let it be, see where it goes and how I feel in 2 weeks. I do feel loads better though, the difference is almost as big as quitting alcohol. Not sure if that is down to not eating sugar, wheat or dairy products. Don’t care yet. Feeling better. I cut out the wheat too because Doctor Mathews Larson (writer of the book ‘Seven weeks to sobriety’, she from the nutrients approach to addiction) says that a lot of people with an alcohol addiction have an (unknown) allergy to the product that their favorite booze was made off. That would be beer so there goes the wheat. Just see what happens, if I’m going to go strict I might as well exclude this category too. I’m having an interesting time looking at my cravings, but they are do-able. I make much more interesting meals now. Eating on the table away from distraction. Gooooood. πŸ™‚ Ooh, it is not a loose weight diet, it is a ‘let’s get clean and see what happens diet’.

It helps me very much in leaving things out of my life and focus on my new project – not gonna tell more about that untill it lands and grows somewhere. Well, that’s it. The wanting to do the diet comes from wanting to exclude stimuli, wanting quiet in my body. Not being dragged from one strong cup of this and that perfect Yoga tea to the other eco raw chocolate bar to the next lovely breakfast with superfoods and various Schuessler salts in between. Pfffff. Away! Away! Too many impulses. Cutting down on watching whatever Netflix and Facebook because I don’t want to be able to handle that anymore.

Nothing of these decisions are mind made, all of the are impulse made. It has something to do with listening to the ‘bad’ feelings too. I got to this point by listening to the good feelings, urges that were ‘telling me’ to take good care of me. Now I have come to a point where I can listen to the parts that say ‘stop’ too. Funny thing is that my hippo works very well with that. She is on a prominent place in my rooms and whenever I look at her I somehow project what I am feeling on her. So now she is saying: weren’t you cutting down on online activities? The sun is shining a little, it is time to go out. πŸ™‚

IMG_5061I will. There is SO much freedom in doing what is right. Damn! I never knew that. My favorite slogan has always been ‘Only dead fish go with the flow.’ Now I am perfectly happy not spending time kicking all the stop signs along the road. πŸ™‚ Ghegheghe….

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I get the ability to finally live.

I want: to go out and move.

I need: to breathe more and keep on going on finding my path. It has sort of become a daily thing. And thisΒ  with ‘every day is a new chance’ which is an awful clichΓ© – it is sort of becoming a truth. It includes that not everything goes right immediately. Which is also a very big truth. πŸ™‚ Now it is becoming a part of living instead of something that tells me that I should be ashamed. Many thanks to the Mr Kurtz video of a few posts ago. πŸ™‚

I did not fail. I discovered a 1000 ways that did not work.

I take: some Schuessler salts, not by reading text but by feeling them. There are those that confuse me and those that make me feel better. I choose the last.

Hope you have a nice day too! πŸ™‚


I woke up last night and had this epiphany (had to look that word up) about my food intake. My nutritionist and I had worked out that I need to take a look at doing 10.001 things at the same time. I did. And I do do 10.001 things at the same time and have difficulty focussing on anything but typing. It is irritating because I get to nothing and my rice always burns. It’s another addiction. It’s funny to realise through this process of getting sober and, well, working towards my goal of getting ‘clear’ and aligned with my spirit it that I am sort of running in circles – but at every turn spiralling inward a little. So step by step, turn by turn, day by day things that are unreal get chipped away from me. Like the tiny pieces of the caddis larvae leaving me. The pieces are about ‘opinions’ – all these opinions, pffff. The are about fear of not being seen and they are about fear of being seen. Fear of being loved and fear of not being loved. About bullshitting myself – loads of that going on. πŸ™‚


Here is the larvae of a cadis, it has a soft outer skin so in order to survive it builds a little case around itself to protect itself against predators. There is also an art project where the artist gave the larvae tiny jewels to build the case with. πŸ™‚ Lovely. Well, that is not me. I’ve build the case with angry and confused defense reactions to painful situations. So I guess it would be wise to let some of it go.

And now I guess I have walked into another addiction and I guess I will call it ‘diversion’. Had to look that up too, not sure if I chose the right word but I notice now that I get diverted easily and I LIKE IT. And it is not getting me anywhere. So…. things about diversion and how I deal with it pop up. As last night…

Not sure since when, but it must be YEARS, I have this constant intake of food and drink. Constantly stuffing my face as in a not wanting to feel what is actually going on – being with discomfort. And now, after about 5,5 months not drinking, it suddenly bothers me – at night of course, what other moment would me suitable for that? :-/

So I lay in my bed and I probed towards the usual foods that I take and I got a no on most of them. So…. gonna do a 2 weeks of brown eco rice, vegetables, little fruit, fish, herb tea and hot water. Let’s see how that will work out. No promises. The conversation I had with me said 2 weeks because of something that did not become clear, but was somehow important. Yes, vague, I know. Just noting it down for my own check-back thingy. But hey, why not give it a shot. Guessing it is worth it. Again, no promises. πŸ™‚

Have a nice day! πŸ™‚

On feeling my way back into life and recognising discomfort, and a little on love.

I have been trying to feel my way through life, well, back into life after having lived destructively for years. And in the process I thought that good, positive feelings were the only thing to guide me. And I followed the good feelings. πŸ™‚ And it has brought me where I am now, 4,5 months sober and LOVING IT MORE THAN I EVER LOVED A BEER.

So, just by following the good feelings I am where I am. However, I have quite some feelings that make me uncomfortable. And after having seen the video on fixing problems and procrastinating that somehow included the subject alcohol too – I got an entry in procrastinating. I feel I put the brake on things because there is so much shit happening that I can not deal with more. So when I let go of my guilt about that I realised that there is a shitload of discomfort in me and…. that I don’t listen to it. πŸ˜€

So next, I realised that listening to the nice stuff is not enough. If I want to heal I also need to listen to and act upon that what makes me feel uncomfortable. Like the A-word, that would be administration in my case… Brrrrrrrr…… 15 Days left to do a whole year of VAT admin. Which is totally manageable when I start on time.

Recognising that I have these feelings of discomfort gives a lot of room inside. I do not need to keep the lid on anymore. So haha, did I clean my house? No, I started to blog of course :-). I did plant my Amaryllis and arranged a new, way cheaper phone contract.

I am VERY HAPPY THAT I QUIT. Best decision in my life. Good work.

I want: still want things to be ‘over’ so I don’t have to do the difficult stuff. And I want to go outside because the sun is shining and I need to pick up another book.

I need: dunno? I am reacting so positively to these Schuessler cell salts, maybe I should take the one that says: ‘makes you get a move on, for those that procrastinate.’ :-D. I imagine that you fall of your chair by now because you are surprised in a explosive way because I have not taken that yet. It’s too soon. I need to round off the circle of the blood pressure. Go to the GP, get checked, hand in the rest of my medication and have a ritual celebration. That probably includes buying something :-).

The path is the destination. This video was the second thing on my path today. Since I watched it the cat follows me around through the house and stares at me and wants to be with me :-). Dna, or at least cell changing breakthroughs are being made here. I thought I would share it with you. It is about love, I call it universal love. It’s about what I had thought up/feeled up on how it work following Ayahuasca session. But he says it way nicer. Enjoy!