I woke up last night and had this epiphany (had to look that word up) about my food intake. My nutritionist and I had worked out that I need to take a look at doing 10.001 things at the same time. I did. And I do do 10.001 things at the same time and have difficulty focussing on anything but typing. It is irritating because I get to nothing and my rice always burns. It’s another addiction. It’s funny to realise through this process of getting sober and, well, working towards my goal of getting ‘clear’ and aligned with my spirit it that I am sort of running in circles – but at every turn spiralling inward a little. So step by step, turn by turn, day by day things that are unreal get chipped away from me. Like the tiny pieces of the caddis larvae leaving me. The pieces are about ‘opinions’ – all these opinions, pffff. The are about fear of not being seen and they are about fear of being seen. Fear of being loved and fear of not being loved. About bullshitting myself – loads of that going on. 🙂
Here is the larvae of a cadis, it has a soft outer skin so in order to survive it builds a little case around itself to protect itself against predators. There is also an art project where the artist gave the larvae tiny jewels to build the case with. 🙂 Lovely. Well, that is not me. I’ve build the case with angry and confused defense reactions to painful situations. So I guess it would be wise to let some of it go.
And now I guess I have walked into another addiction and I guess I will call it ‘diversion’. Had to look that up too, not sure if I chose the right word but I notice now that I get diverted easily and I LIKE IT. And it is not getting me anywhere. So…. things about diversion and how I deal with it pop up. As last night…
Not sure since when, but it must be YEARS, I have this constant intake of food and drink. Constantly stuffing my face as in a not wanting to feel what is actually going on – being with discomfort. And now, after about 5,5 months not drinking, it suddenly bothers me – at night of course, what other moment would me suitable for that?
So I lay in my bed and I probed towards the usual foods that I take and I got a no on most of them. So…. gonna do a 2 weeks of brown eco rice, vegetables, little fruit, fish, herb tea and hot water. Let’s see how that will work out. No promises. The conversation I had with me said 2 weeks because of something that did not become clear, but was somehow important. Yes, vague, I know. Just noting it down for my own check-back thingy. But hey, why not give it a shot. Guessing it is worth it. Again, no promises. 🙂
Have a nice day! 🙂