I am in this tremendous flow of things changing for the better in my life. It is amazing. Who needs mind altering substances when you can have the real thing?! I keep on having this experiences that are described best (?) with feeling part of the universe, or being transparent where the universe is me and I am the universe. No, nothing megalomanic funny going on that requires doctors or pills – I ‘just’ feel like I am tripping all day over the growth that I do. And have written a post when I was on this very black dark cloud 3 days ago. It brought back all the ‘what’s the use, why take care of myself, might as well… ‘ very destructive. Still roller coaster but one low on a week full of highs? Who cares!? And even if, the lows are the growth thingies that go a little less easy.
– I don’t want to lose myself in the occult but thing keep on happening that point me in a direction of growth. Video’s, interesting store man, scary astrologist man (I have not blogged about that – yet, message 4). I walked into or ‘dealt’ with:
– taking responsibility and relaxing and the difference
– listening to my inner voice with my whole ‘being’ while meeting the store man. Message 1.
– I have built up enough strength to listen to the negative or painful signals that give myself. The negative self talk.
– I have felt and still feel how a possibility of an intimate relation in me (currently?) walks the same paths as an addiction does. It is amazing, frightening. I hope to get to ‘informative’ on a short notice because most of all it is very uncomfortable and it feels indeed like dis-ease. Message 2.
– My unblogged reactions to things that happened with the store man in the store have pointed out and made me feel through a nasty trait I have that I would describe as ‘overwhelming, destructive mother care’. Ieehks. I am guessing that was the 3rd message from the universe about the store man.
– I have doubts about my route. I see a situation of being flat broke coming up – I do think I have enough time to get myself organised and in a job before that. I try to feel my way into other possibilities than this slow forceless path I am taking. Cause that is I guess what I do. Take the natural path, find out where my truth is. I also have 2 drawers in my kitchen with food stock like flower, tomato paste, peanut butter, well, you know. When I came to live here, more that 13 years ago. I had no time to fill the drawer nicely so I chucked everything in and thought ‘I’ll clean that up when I feel like it.’ This morning I did. VERY NEW!!!!! Yes, groce, well, it has been cleaned out in between when I hired a cleaner for the backlog. But I have, in all those years, not done it myself and today I just did because I was there. To you it might sound insignificant but to me it is AMAZING!!! I think I ow it to my path and to the Schuessler cell salts of which there are some about ‘doing stuff’ and ‘cleaning up poisons in your body.’
– Whenever I doubt my way of dealing with sobriety and feeling my way back into life and I go inside and ask I get ‘The path is the destination.’ Today I thought that I would love to spread the nutrient – bach remedy – Schuessler cell salt approach to getting healthy after addiction to the world. But I must say (? must I?) I want to say to record this for myself in this blog here and now that I feel ashamed of that because it is like the ‘addict bingo’. Every addict says that they have found the way and they will cure the world. I feel stupid about this about myself. I get this ‘who do you think you are feeling’ and feelings of inadequacy immediately. It hurts. It makes me want to put my foot down and say ‘I do what I do! Who are you to comment on that?!’ Actually, sometimes it is good to have a large ego. Even if this new undeveloped idea of a route is not going to be the thing, still my negative self talk does not ‘have the right’ to speak like it does. Still talking child speak here when it comes to working out the negative self talk thing. I don’t understand the need for an organism to have it. I am convinced that every action and reaction are there for a reason and to discover the reason helps me heal. But maybe that is the whole thing; there is no reason BUT the bad use of the brain and ‘conditioning’. Ha! Tommy Rosen puts negative self talk under ‘aggravations’. Don’t know exactly what those are but they are sort of like addictions I believe. Negative repetitive behavior. Check!
– All these things are NEW. Also new is the idea that I have done enough for sobriety and might as well drink. How’s that for something over 4,5 months of sobriety. Alcohol repels me in such a way that I step back when I smell it on somebody. Not unlike my cat. And I pull a face. Very impolite. Need to work on that. So I don’t think that it is in real life going to be an issue. It is just that I don’t want these thoughts. And I had not expected them after this long. I guess they were brought along with being in a state of openness with the store man while he moved into his addictive mode and I got a vibe from it. Also starting to fall in love triggers stuff in me. Now I write this in daylight it does not sound like a healthy idea of love. Need to look into that.
– I felt through what happens if I want to clean the house. The cat was falling asleep on top of me NEW!!! and I wanted to clean but I could and I felt that I had to stay calm to not wake the cat and I felt in my body and brain how al the 10.001 options confuse me and make my brain overload and loose direction / focus. And then when I do something, like cleaning out the drawer without thinking about anything else, my brain is SO HAPPY. I need to feel my way into getting in that mode more. It is needed for me to start AND finish something and it is a quality that I need to develop in this incarnation. That has always been a very clear message – even when I drank. And I need it do be earning money in the future. So, I better get a move on and do stuff instead of writing this all down. 🙂
– Schuessler salts keep on changing things in my body. It is amazing.
– Wrinkles disappear, my face returns, the ‘bags’ under my eyes lesson. My eyes however are still read and when I cry my tears drag itching, burning streaks over my face. And yes, you know me, I got myself a Schuessler salt for / against that – it is actually listed like that. literally. Not making it up here :-).
– I sleep at night, I dream again, like crazy. Last night about walking through the streets in the evening and seeing a young girl black out and drop down on concrete stairs. Nobody of her friends cared, they were drunk too and ‘she falls down every time, she drinks like a fish’. I tried to call the cops and realised that I did not know if she needed to go to hospital or not. I guess I have been there where I blacked out when I was young. Just never on the streets. Need to look it up. And then I actually left while having done nothing and then this tiny blond guy came to me and he was drunk and in pain over being addicted. He knew. And I told him it did not have to be this way and he clung to me and I could feel how he needed to be away from the alcohol, wanted it too but how big the pull of the alcohol was in him. I have never experienced it that bad. But I am curious how I know how it feels. I do not think I am in denial. This is not the way I feel about alcohol. Or maybe it is not the way I have allowed myself to feel about alcohol. There is another possibility. I can hear my mother’s influence there. I can almost feel here standing between me and getting addicted that deep down. Thank you mom. I thought you were a pain when it came to your critique on my drinking but I guess you saved me. Wow. Thank you mom. Crying now. My mom stopped drinking I think about 5 to 10 years before she died. She drank like 1 glass a month in the years leading up to her death. But she left half of the glass standing – like she only drank it not to fit out. She did a lot of those tiny things to not ‘stand out’ as the one that has cancer. 🙂
– My bowel movements have stabilized into something that actually smells and smells healthy (no I do know you did not want to know that, this is specifically for my history).
– I am less thirsty and I have less ‘cravings’ for food. Taking the Magnesium Schuessler salt helps me drop the chocolate. It takes 3 days before I think of another chocolate experience after the last. And when I eat chocolate is starting to feel a poison to me now I notice what it does in my body. It gives me not heart palpitations but like there is a tiny, tiny, very tiny moth in my heart. Not butterfly, moth. But it is difficult to let chocolate go because by now ‘there is nothing else anymore’. And I know I have to let go of that feeling, that would be the ultimate freedom of addiction but I can’t (yet). I can feel that moment of brown rice, vegetables and fish is coming but please, please, please – not now, not yet. I can’t deal with that yet. Having said that I have eaten sushi all week. Lazy sushi: brown rice, piece of raw eco salmon, seaweed salad, cucumber, 1 avocado, all separate, nothing made to look nice. Every time I got home from the store man it was 21:something and I felt like fast food but I thought I would spend the same amount of money on quick good food. OOH! THAT IS VERY NEW!! So when looking at that I am in the brown rice, vegetable, raw fish zone. Ha! No no no no no no no no no. Not yet. Not going there now. It is actually calling me but I dislike the feeling of discipline that comes with it. Makes me feel trapped. Even though I ate like that for years. And was very disciplined then. Brrrrrr.
– I have a dowagers hump, the neck is starting to feel different and it looks like it is going away / becoming straight again. 🙂 I would love that. It feels somehow related to the ‘relaxing but keeping the goal in mind’ experience I had with biking to the wrong address when relaxed. And it feels like it has to do with taking responsibility. Well, straightening out would be a good word. 🙂 And I keep rolling my shoulder backward because hunching does not feel good any more. Squeeq, squeeq 🙂
– I sometimes have tiny headaches because of dehydration because I forgot to drink tea. That is different too. 2 Weeks ago I drank at least 3-4 liters a day. Now I need to take care that I manage my 2 liters.
This was going to be a short post. 🙂
Thanks for reading. I need to go do stuff and see the sun.