Ouch! :-D

In addition to my earlier post on how people find me I would like to add this search used by a visitor of my blog:

That one actually really hurt. Ouch!

For those of you not familiar with the backside of WordPress: there is a statistics page which shows how many people visit, who is following, how many posts have been read and… what search words people use who end up at my blog. This person came to my blog with ‘how to fuck up in life’. Yeah. THANK YOU FOR THE REMINDER! 😀

Btw: if you would like to keep your search anonymouslike (only anonymous for the blogs you will visit – not for Google) you can use Google and type the words you are looking for and I think precede that by the word ‘wordpress’ and you get the same-ish result.

I am happy that I quit. I have however a light concussion which was a work accident, not my doing, was bending over and got knocked on the head by an oncoming metal table pushed by a guy who is too strong for this world – still waiting for the flowers to arrive :-D. I have a nasty headache and am mainly very very tired while sleeping 19 hours a day for 5 days in a row now. But mostly I am more emotional than the leave Britney alone homo. First day I felt like I was back in the dark pit where I was when still drinking and hitting rock bottom. ‘I don’t care if I wake up anymooohooooohooooor, I migth as well be deaheaaheaaaad.’ But that is mostly gone now. Well, it is informative. I tried to get into the feeling of ‘This too shall pass.’ Which is actually a good thing. Funny that I, in my whole life, never learned that. Guess my parents must have tried but I can imagine I took it as diminishing my problems.

I am very happy that I quit. Trying to apply the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ principle during the day and gosh it is a big relieve of that mean bitch inside my head. 🙂 Still I am surprised to find that a woman who loves herself actually makes the good choices. I still somehow think she would eat chocolate all day, not cook and go to bed late. The very opposite is true. It does show that my Calvinistic (is that an English word too?) upbringing in the Netherlands has had its influence.

So, too much screentime for me already. The first days after the concussion I could actually see the screen ‘flickre’ (if that is a word – turn on and of very rapidly)

As said: I am happy that I quit, hope you are happy too. Being happy about quitting makes it way easier. Eeasy-peasy I would say, if only I had known…, and now let’s not get arrogant…  I think I should be more into the next steps in sobriety. Not doing that, I feel like I’m standing still and I think that is also the message from the Universe with this concussion. AND I STILL DO NOT HAVE A CLUE WHAT (TF?) I WANT WITH MY LIFE. Well, I do, but I don’t dare to switch. I would love to go into eco farming and natural healing but that switch takes money I don’t have. Let’s see. I notice now that I am only looking at how it is not possible instead of at how it would be possible. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Wishing you a nice sober day. I feel the need to remind you of the free, online alcohol desensitization program I followed. Not sure why I feel that way just now but hey, if you feel on the edge or never want to feel on the edge again, it is worth a try; it is a sort of computer game and it will bore the hell out of your want to drink. Really. 😀 And that is good, very good. There is one ‘game’ for smoking and pot too. Enjoy!

xx, Feeling

In addition….

A few days ago I asked you whether or not you encountered funny things by accident that remind you of having been/being addicted. I encounter a shit load of them. Telling me ‘it is not gone yet’.

Just 3 minutes ago I was wondering whether Amsterdam Central station had indeed 15 tracks because I can remember asking ‘do I need to be at 6 on 10 past or on 10 at 6 past? And the reply being: x on x past would not work because that does not exist. So I, while actually playing the new mindfulness summit vid on the background…. ghegheghe…. eh, looked it up. I think to remember there is a track 10 so I Googled  ‘spoor 6 Amsterdam’ (track 6 Amsterdam). It is a rehab.

So no, it is not gone yet. But I could have read that from simultaneously listening to a mindfulness vid and Googling on other subjects. :-D.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I had/have it easy with the not drinking. I do think my combined physical (nutrients, Bach Remedies, Schuessler cell salts, Ayurveda), mental (books, free online alcohol desensitization training) and ‘spiritual’ (writing, reading, I am thinking, hoping, honest self analyses, setting a goal at wanting clarity, not at ‘ooooh, I should NOT drink, NOT drink’) have helped me here. But hey, everybody goes their own way. My not so very humble opinion on what to do in order to get sober has now (14 months tomorrow) changed to: you need to search and walk the path that is good for you.

I for one think to know for sure now that I could not have survived in a group event. Too many eyes looking at me. I’m en entrepreneur, need to find my own trail. And since I still have difficulty accepting other people near me I think I could not have dealt. Even though I do know that isolation is a addicty thing, I’m thinking I am doing ok with that. Well, let’s see. 🙂

Wwawwlhd?: Right now she would shower and clean up the house because that has been bugging her. Did I say this projection of wwawwlhd? bypasses my self-destruct button which is always between me and the goal. It is like: think/want/need -> plan -> self destruct -> pain. Now I go think/want/need -> plan -> wwawwlhd? -> action. It’s a cool too. So thank you Teal Swan!

I want: ghegheghe, I still want things to be simple. I guess that means that I find that this life over taxes me. I never realised that. Can’t be the work I do, must be the perception or my possibility to cope with things. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Well, live has become a little simpler but the heat is on really now: the tax refund of 2014 came in and I paid of 5 months of what you call that in rent and some other overdue bills. But that is the last reserve, it will last for another few months but not more than 4. I really, really need to get a move on.

And, in that process there is this voice that pops up ‘Well, when you finally have that job you need, you can at least have a drink.’ NO!!! Working hard and drinking have always been connected in my life. It started off at my parents who would, in early years, drink beer at a Friday night, then work hard physically on the Saturday. Since we had a farmhouse (no farming) with an immense vegetable garden there was always loads to do. So on Saturday we would drink beer aswell. That repeated into later behaviour where every act of work needed an alcoholic reward. Brrrrr… turns my stomach to think of it. I think if I get the job next week I need to make sure that I got my dinner in house already so I can look forward to enjoying that.

On discipline: Again, with the question ‘What would a women who loves herself do?’ I think I finally found an entry into living where taking action is not something I do to avoid punishment or ‘not feel guilty’ but I am practising now with doing things out of love for me. Which is how I suddenly was able to do admin. And, on the other hand, not worry when I do not clean the house because obviously I love doing something else better. Teal Swan already said but the nice thing about the wwawwlhd? is that I never go outside of my boundaries, outside what I can carry because I project these answers myself. So when looking at a box of dates I don’t say: a women who loves herself would NOT eat these. I say: ‘A women who loves herself would have 3, with a special cup of herb tea, and then she would add another 2 because she really likes these treats.’

While before I would buy them, feel guilty and think ‘DO NOT EAT THESE!!!’ And end up eating 20 of them while NOT enjoying them and feeling guilty. The dynamics of guilt, they are big.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: 1 the realisation that I have it easy not drinking, being happy about that. And hoping I don’t get cocky again. 2 Finding a compilation of interviews of a very outspoken vegan Gary Yourofsky in my news feed. Beautiful. Horrifying. But it gives me food for thought. I noticed in Ayahuasca ceremonies that those who did the clean food diet leading up to the ceremony had more ‘profound’ experiences during the ceremony. If there is such a thing as judging and labelling spiritual experiences. So yes, I do think that eating clean (no additives, no sugar, no, well, no nothing only veggies and fruit) leads me to be a better human and have more clarity. 3 My newly found rest. I just ask, what would a women who loves herself do now and do it. 🙂 Pfiew!

I hope you have a good, loving, compassionate and possibly, maybe hopefully sober weekend.

xx, Feeling