Question about the vibe of addiction

Do you have that too? That addiction as a phenomena gets thrown at you from any direction? I sort of believe in this ‘vibe of addiction’ where well, addicts attract addicts. Or ex-addicts attract ex-addicts. I believe for me personally it has to do with disliking those who are very clear, sharp and precise and in my view ‘condemning’ me. So I stay away from non addicted people, obviously that leads me to consciously, or subconsciously move closer to addicted people.

‘Drinking with inferiors’ was one of the stages of the Jellinek curve. I did that for a while, going into pubs on my own after finishing a big assignment. I was in the danger zone already but still thought I could moderate. Tomorrow obviously, never today. Then noticed I did not fit in in the pub life and started drinking on my own a lot.

Well, for me this ‘drinking with inferiors’ and being attracted to addicted people is a shameful thing. Not sure why but there is a lot of shame around this subject for me. It feels ‘dirty’. I guess for me it drinking with inferiors is proof of having an addictive personality. Still don’t know if I should or should not say ‘am addicted’. I guess if I don’t drink I am not addicted. But I certainly do have an addictive personality and it it VERY active :-).

Well, every time I hope to NOW have really said goodbye to this vibe of addiction reality tells me something else.

I’m at the give away shop, open a children’s book ‘Shall we be friends’ while at the same time I was still wondering if the bookstore man was a transfer addiction from my side. I lied to myself saying ‘Noooooo, I want to be FRIENDS, this has nothing to do with addiction.’ And I open the book and on the brand page it says ‘Junk books’. Thank you Universe…..

Today I went to see 2 of my best friends who have supported me through the difficult time before quitting alcohol. I have, however never told them that I had to quit and that alcohol and not so much depression was the cause of my ‘depression’. So I thought I would tell them today. And somehow the moment did not seem right, and not right, and…. not right and I was thinking about 15 months ago when I felt so bad and how everything changed to happy(er) after that. And then one of them gives me a present, a box of tea of the taste ‘Touch the ground – happy landings‘. Thank you. Universe! Rock bottom tea? I mean?!

2 Out of the 3 books I picked up in the bookstore and opened I opened on a page where people speak of addiction or somebody drinking too much. Even the bookstore man was surprised how I picked those pages. He would hand me a book I would open it and he would not even know or realise it was in there while for me it was just where the book opens.

The other day after my job interview I biked home being SURE that I had now beaten this addiction thing because I had done this sensible thing with care for me. I came home and watched the next episode of Stargate; the one and only in several seasons where somebody is addicted (to the Wraith dope).

I go to the Ayurveda doctor, he feels what humour I have and tells me it is Pitta – Kapha. The first next thing I read about Kapha is that they are addiction prone.

Oh yeah, both new ‘friends’ I have made in this last year, bookstore man 1 and 2 (rename old and young) have a history of addiction. The old quit his heroine use and somehow got to drink normally, like a bottle a month normal. And well, the young bookstore man smokes pot and eats sugar by the kilo in the shape of pie.

Random people I meet on the street tell me about quitting addiction. Which is a good sign, better than they telling me they are addicted. 🙂

So… well, I guess I still carry it around. I was wondering if you have the same experiences?

I am happy that I quit, because I am starting to like me better and that would not have happened if I had been drinking. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have been alive anymore.

Wwawwlhd? She would be in bed by now but not berate herself over that. 🙂

I want: my arm and shoulder to be better, it is getting better, less stiff very quickly but the pain in my arm has returned. I would just LOVE to sleep for a full night in one stretch again instead of waking up 5 times.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: nice friends meet ups and long long phone calls.

On discipline: ghegheghe… with the ‘what would a women who loves herself do?’ things to do change from tiresome tasks into loving care. Which is good. A person who loves herself does not eat the whole bar of chocolate but only a few pieces. She plans on having 3 pieces and then eats 5 because she likes it. She does not eat the whole bar because that makes her feel sick. Well, knowing me I do not know if this will last and I will not put pressure on it to try to make it last but I am thinking this is a good development. With this question, the projecting of care outwards and then taking it in again, I do a D-tour around the self-destruct button. And as Teal Swan says: with this concept you (I!) do not go out of your (my!) boundaries because we can only imagine/project what we can carry and complete.

Hope you have a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling