In addition….

A few days ago I asked you whether or not you encountered funny things by accident that remind you of having been/being addicted. I encounter a shit load of them. Telling me ‘it is not gone yet’.

Just 3 minutes ago I was wondering whether Amsterdam Central station had indeed 15 tracks because I can remember asking ‘do I need to be at 6 on 10 past or on 10 at 6 past? And the reply being: x on x past would not work because that does not exist. So I, while actually playing the new mindfulness summit vid on the background…. ghegheghe…. eh, looked it up. I think to remember there is a track 10 so I Googledย  ‘spoor 6 Amsterdam’ (track 6 Amsterdam). It is a rehab.

So no, it is not gone yet. But I could have read that from simultaneously listening to a mindfulness vid and Googling on other subjects. :-D.

I am happy that I quit. And happy that I had/have it easy with the not drinking. I do think my combined physical (nutrients, Bach Remedies, Schuessler cell salts, Ayurveda), mental (books, free online alcohol desensitization training) and ‘spiritual’ (writing, reading, I am thinking, hoping, honest self analyses, setting a goal at wanting clarity, not at ‘ooooh, I should NOT drink, NOT drink’) have helped me here. But hey, everybody goes their own way. My not so very humble opinion on what to do in order to get sober has now (14 months tomorrow) changed to: you need to search and walk the path that is good for you.

I for one think to know for sure now that I could not have survived in a group event. Too many eyes looking at me. I’m en entrepreneur, need to find my own trail. And since I still have difficulty accepting other people near me I think I could not have dealt. Even though I do know that isolation is a addicty thing, I’m thinking I am doing ok with that. Well, let’s see. ๐Ÿ™‚

Wwawwlhd?: Right now she would shower and clean up the house because that has been bugging her. Did I say this projection of wwawwlhd? bypasses my self-destruct button which is always between me and the goal. It is like: think/want/need -> plan -> self destruct -> pain. Now I go think/want/need -> plan -> wwawwlhd? -> action. It’s a cool too. So thank you Teal Swan!

I want: ghegheghe, I still want things to be simple. I guess that means that I find that this life over taxes me. I never realised that. Can’t be the work I do, must be the perception or my possibility to cope with things. Hmmm. Food for thought.

Well, live has become a little simpler but the heat is on really now: the tax refund of 2014 came in and I paid of 5 months of what you call that in rent and some other overdue bills. But that is the last reserve, it will last for another few months but not more than 4. I really, really need to get a move on.

And, in that process there is this voice that pops up ‘Well, when you finally have that job you need, you can at least have a drink.’ NO!!! Working hard and drinking have always been connected in my life. It started off at my parents who would, in early years, drink beer at a Friday night, then work hard physically on the Saturday. Since we had a farmhouse (no farming) with an immense vegetable garden there was always loads to do. So on Saturday we would drink beer aswell. That repeated into later behaviour where every act of work needed an alcoholic reward. Brrrrr… turns my stomach to think of it. I think if I get the job next week I need to make sure that I got my dinner in house already so I can look forward to enjoying that.

On discipline: Again, with the question ‘What would a women who loves herself do?’ I think I finally found an entry into living where taking action is not something I do to avoid punishment or ‘not feel guilty’ but I am practising now with doing things out of love for me. Which is how I suddenly was able to do admin. And, on the other hand, not worry when I do not clean the house because obviously I love doing something else better. Teal Swan already said but the nice thing about the wwawwlhd? is that I never go outside of my boundaries, outside what I can carry because I project these answers myself. So when looking at a box of dates I don’t say: a women who loves herself would NOT eat these. I say: ‘A women who loves herself would have 3, with a special cup of herb tea, and then she would add another 2 because she really likes these treats.’

While before I would buy them, feel guilty and think ‘DO NOT EAT THESE!!!’ And end up eating 20 of them while NOT enjoying them and feeling guilty. The dynamics of guilt, they are big.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: 1 the realisation that I have it easy not drinking, being happy about that. And hoping I don’t get cocky again. 2 Finding a compilation of interviews of a very outspoken vegan Gary Yourofsky in my news feed. Beautiful. Horrifying. But it gives me food for thought. I noticed in Ayahuasca ceremonies that those who did the clean food diet leading up to the ceremony had more ‘profound’ experiences during the ceremony. If there is such a thing as judging and labelling spiritual experiences. So yes, I do think that eating clean (no additives, no sugar, no, well, no nothing only veggies and fruit) leads me to be a better human and have more clarity. 3 My newly found rest. I just ask, what would a women who loves herself do now and do it. ๐Ÿ™‚ Pfiew!

I hope you have a good, loving, compassionate and possibly, maybe hopefully sober weekend.

xx, Feeling

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Question about the vibe of addiction

Do you have that too? That addiction as a phenomena gets thrown at you from any direction? I sort of believe in this ‘vibe of addiction’ where well, addicts attract addicts. Or ex-addicts attract ex-addicts. I believe for me personally it has to do with disliking those who are very clear, sharp and precise and in my view ‘condemning’ me. So I stay away from non addicted people, obviously that leads me to consciously, or subconsciously move closer to addicted people.

‘Drinking with inferiors’ was one of the stages of the Jellinek curve. I did that for a while, going into pubs on my own after finishing a big assignment. I was in the danger zone already but still thought I could moderate. Tomorrow obviously, never today. Then noticed I did not fit in in the pub life and started drinking on my own a lot.

jcurve

Well, for me this ‘drinking with inferiors’ and being attracted to addicted people is a shameful thing. Not sure why but there is a lot of shame around this subject for me. It feels ‘dirty’. I guess for me it drinking with inferiors is proof of having an addictive personality. Still don’t know if I should or should not say ‘am addicted’. I guess if I don’t drink I am not addicted. But I certainly do have an addictive personality and it it VERY active :-).

Well, every time I hope to NOW have really said goodbye to this vibe of addiction reality tells me something else.

I’m at the give away shop, open a children’s book ‘Shall we be friends’ while at the same time I was still wondering if the bookstore man was a transfer addiction from my side. I lied to myself saying ‘Noooooo, I want to be FRIENDS, this has nothing to do with addiction.’ And I open the book and on the brand page it says ‘Junk books’. Thank you Universe….. :-/

Today I went to see 2 of my best friends who have supported me through the difficult time before quitting alcohol. I have, however never told them that I had to quit and that alcohol and not so much depression was the cause of my ‘depression’. So I thought I would tell them today. And somehow the moment did not seem right, and not right, and…. not right and I was thinking about 15 months ago when I felt so bad and how everything changed to happy(er) after that. And then one of them gives me a present, a box of tea of the taste ‘Touch the ground – happy landings‘. Thank you. Universe! Rock bottom tea? I mean?!

2 Out of the 3 books I picked up in the bookstore and opened I opened on a page where people speak of addiction or somebody drinking too much. Even the bookstore man was surprised how I picked those pages. He would hand me a book I would open it and he would not even know or realise it was in there while for me it was just where the book opens.

The other day after my job interview I biked home being SURE that I had now beaten this addiction thing because I had done this sensible thing with care for me. I came home and watched the next episode of Stargate; the one and only in several seasons where somebody is addicted (to the Wraith dope).

I go to the Ayurveda doctor, he feels what humour I have and tells me it is Pitta – Kapha. The first next thing I read about Kapha is that they are addiction prone.

Oh yeah, both new ‘friends’ I have made in this last year, bookstore man 1 and 2 (rename old and young) have a history of addiction. The old quit his heroine use and somehow got to drink normally, like a bottle a month normal. And well, the young bookstore man smokes pot and eats sugar by the kilo in the shape of pie.

Random people I meet on the street tell me about quitting addiction. Which is a good sign, better than they telling me they are addicted. ๐Ÿ™‚

So… well, I guess I still carry it around. I was wondering if you have the same experiences?

I am happy that I quit, because I am starting to like me better and that would not have happened if I had been drinking. I am pretty sure I wouldn’t have been alive anymore.

Wwawwlhd? She would be in bed by now but not berate herself over that. ๐Ÿ™‚

I want: my arm and shoulder to be better, it is getting better, less stiff very quickly but the pain in my arm has returned. I would just LOVE to sleep for a full night in one stretch again instead of waking up 5 times.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

3 Things: nice friends meet ups and long long phone calls.

On discipline: ghegheghe… with the ‘what would a women who loves herself do?’ things to do change from tiresome tasks into loving care. Which is good. A person who loves herself does not eat the whole bar of chocolate but only a few pieces. She plans on having 3 pieces and then eats 5 because she likes it. She does not eat the whole bar because that makes her feel sick. Well, knowing me I do not know if this will last and I will not put pressure on it to try to make it last but I am thinking this is a good development. With this question, the projecting of care outwards and then taking it in again, I do a D-tour around the self-destruct button. And as Teal Swan says: with this concept you (I!) do not go out of your (my!) boundaries because we can only imagine/project what we can carry and complete.

Hope you have a nice sober day!

xx, Feeling