Feeling cocky

Yes. That’s it, I have come to another stage in dealing with my addiction and this time it is about feeling cocky.Ā  Thinking: if it is this easy I might as well have another sip – see if it really is that bad. No fuss, just drink like a normie and get on with my life.

Not good. I know it is a Big Trap. Happy secretangel got to the subject before I was even aware I had it. šŸ™‚

I am getting curious. Or lazy, or bored, or tired. I feel I put more control on my intentions than needed to, I don’t know, prevent cravings? Suppress drink think? I don’t know. I do something, I call it vigilance, and I use it not to drink. It is a continuous scanning of intentions, thoughts, feelings, wants, likes, dislikes, cravings and actions. I am getting tired of it.

I would like to relax without having the feeling that I relapse in seconds. I fear addiction is this time bomb inside me so parts of me still can’t relax. And because I get tired of that I am trying to diminish the drinking ‘Maybe I was not addicted, maybe I was just a heavy abuser. Didn’t that doctor in the movie say that real addicts only ‘think drink’?’ This is trap 512: how to mis-use knowledge to diminish ones drinking. In combination with trap 45: not realising that these thought only come up because the whole drinking thing is an addiction. I don’t have this thoughts about bell peppers and I have not eaten bell peppers since I quit. So ha! Uncovered those traps.

Shit. I am addicted.

Well, happy that I quit. Proud because of quitting has gone out of the equation a little while ago and has not returned yet. Thinking again that learning to relax is an important thing. And again: learning to trust me. But how can I trust me if I am addicted? Addiction is cunning. I think it is smarter than I am. Look it in the eye I guess, that will show its true character.

And while I try to focus my internal eye on the addicted life I lead I want to turn away. Sad now. The loneliness of it, the sadness, the prison, despair, meaninglessness, emptiness, the illusion, the trap, the drowning of feelings. šŸ™‚ Ghegheghe, I chose my name well. Feelings should not be drowned. Trust my feelings. Aah, again, the focus should not be on ‘not drinking’, the focus should be on living clear. šŸ™‚ That’s it.

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19 thoughts on “Feeling cocky

  1. I’ve been thinking similar things- about the dangers of letting my guard down because I’m feeling a bit more comfortable with the not drinking.
    Next week I’m going to a wedding – we’ll be there all day – and I think I need to build up my sober strength a bit beforehand.
    I was also thinking about the loneliness of it, too. I feel as though I’m fighting the good fight all by myself because my husband is a normal and doesn’t understand.
    I can be in my own head a lot these days and I don’t think it’s healthy.
    Maybe these feelings of loneliness mean that we’re not reaching out enough?

    We must be vigilant and not let ideas about moderating gather steam!! šŸ™‚

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    • šŸ™‚ Thank you for your reply! The loneliness, I should put some thought to that. I heard it is in the AA HALT word. Hunger, Anger, Loneliness and Tired, all traps that lead to drinking. I do like being in my own head. I tend to lose myself around lots of other people. Not sure how to deal – apart from not being around a lot of other people.

      About building up sober strength: maybe you can google ‘drunk women’ and look at the pictures? I am cured for another week…. Or listen to a tape from the conversations my drunk neighbours are having right now. Pretty loud party with nasty shouting. šŸ˜¦ Nasty, nasty, nasty.

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    • I got that, but still enjoyed the sentence though. šŸ™‚ Ghegheghe. ‘My husband is normal so he does not understand….’

      She to girlfriend: I want a man that is sensitive and can listen to what I feel…. I want a man that enjoys shopping and cooking together!
      Girlfriend: That’s not going to happen, he’s already got a boyfriend.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Excellent post that could have been summed up in three words: flirting with disaster. I’m grateful from my own personal experiences that you’re honest enough to post this, but those same experiences have proven to me that speaking it out doesn’t necessarily lessen the temptation by any significant stretch… unless speaking out to myself, my Higher Power and a closely trusted individual is part of a strategic plan to walk away from addiction of any kind.

    Carry on, kiddo. You’re one of the good ones to be fighting the good fight, and you’re in my prayers every day.

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    • šŸ™‚ Not flirting anymore. And I hope honesty and clarity will never be a problem anymore. Those character traits like being absolutely blunt and outspoken used to get me into trouble but they turn out rather well in this process. šŸ™‚ And! Feeling(s) should not be drowned; the thought in itselfs shows the addiction.

      Not sure how to respond to being in your prayers. I’m not religious but I do appreciate that you think positive thoughts about me šŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on club east: indianapolis and commented:
    Sober only since August 25th, feelingmywaybackintolife has continually impressed me with her intentions to deal honestly and squarely with her addiction. To wit: here’s an issue I typically see addressed on sites where the blogger has been sober for at least a year.

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    • Guessing ‘honoured’ is a feeling that includes emotional distance in it somehow so it might not be in place, but I sure am HAPPY to be reblogged.
      I actually stepped right back into being cocky ‘because I had discovered another trap’. Ghegheghe, ooh Ego you never fail to trick me :-D. Guessing it is really a Big Issue too because being cocky makes me forget that I could not deal. šŸ˜¦ I should remember that.
      Pffff, there are many layers to realising how cockyness is not the way to go. And I am going to sleep on that now because the party next door has finally stopped.
      Thank you for reblogging. šŸ™‚ It helps me realise stuff but also feel noted in the process I go through. That makes it less alone. šŸ™‚

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Pingback: repost: feeling cocky | club east: indianapolis

    • I need to look stuff up on that, I that there is no impersonating, I feel it is me currently. So I need to learn to distinguish between me and the fanatic. I guess I can do that with noticing when my get on my high horse and it runs off or wants to run off. Currently it runs without me even knowing I got on it. Ha! It is actually a pretty cool feeling to try! Let the horse run, not act upon it, like ships on the sea, see them and let them pass. Nice. šŸ™‚

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      • the technique you mention is like mindfulness, just dispassionately observing. All good stuff. Addiction tells me stuff contrary to my survival – it part of my motivating circuitry but it is not expressing MY desire to stay sober, it acts contrary to my wishes so this is what I mean by impersonating. It is not my real self in terms of what I would like. Personally I wish it would just piss off but it doesn’t because it speaks on behalf of my addicted brain (which quite frankly doesnt like sobriety) and counter to my recovering mind. My motivational, memory, emotional and attentional systems have been usurped by addiction. If I listen to my own head it will always go back to reasons for taking more drugs, that’s what it does. Not emotionally reacting to it seems to be the key for me, accepting it for what it is.

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      • No, my brain does not like sobriety yet either. I am hoping it will sometime. They say it takes at least 4 months for the reward paths to rewire. Currently it seems to grab onto loads of shit.Of which bloggin is one. But I’ll let that run for now, see what happens, because it brings transformation too, so somehow it is not a pure addiction.

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      • I am happy that I quit. And now I know why being happy that I quit is important! Yeah! Thank you. šŸ™‚

        Jason Vale said that it was very important. In the beginning I just practised being happy that I quit, I would sit still and whipe All the Negative Feelings of the Face of the Earth and be HAPPY. No half measures there… It is funny practice but he said that being happy was an important part of recovery and he knows more than I on sobriety so I thought I might as well follow it.

        I found that being happy is a very good antidote to being un-happy. šŸ™‚

        And it is that simple and also not, because being unhappy creates mist through which I can’t see the happy-switch. It gets lost. That’s why I remind myself every day at the end of a blog. So I remember the way back to the happy switch. I think I might be drugging myself on happiness.

        And in other words: my alcohol dependency is a brainwash that alcohol brings me good things. I try to ‘brainwash’ myself the other way around. Well, it has worked so far. šŸ™‚

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  5. you said it – ego. My arch nemesis. Our enemy in many ways. Well, maybe enemy is a strong word, but I have to be vigilant not so much about the drinking per se, but the underlying causes and conditions that compel me to pick up the first drink. Ego / alcoholism is certainly there telling us that perhaps we overreacted, or that this time it will be different. ha! We know what happens when we drink. it’s well documented. So the word du jour here – vigilance – needs to be at top of mind.

    Great post!

    Paul

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    • I would not want to do without my ego, it brings me places, I need a dose of it to place myself in a business environment, and my ego is the funniest part of me. We have loads of fun. But sometimes…. pffffff. So I am still in the can’t do with, can’t do without phase. šŸ™‚

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