Yes. That’s it, I have come to another stage in dealing with my addiction and this time it is about feeling cocky. Thinking: if it is this easy I might as well have another sip – see if it really is that bad. No fuss, just drink like a normie and get on with my life.
Not good. I know it is a Big Trap. Happy secretangel got to the subject before I was even aware I had it. 🙂
I am getting curious. Or lazy, or bored, or tired. I feel I put more control on my intentions than needed to, I don’t know, prevent cravings? Suppress drink think? I don’t know. I do something, I call it vigilance, and I use it not to drink. It is a continuous scanning of intentions, thoughts, feelings, wants, likes, dislikes, cravings and actions. I am getting tired of it.
I would like to relax without having the feeling that I relapse in seconds. I fear addiction is this time bomb inside me so parts of me still can’t relax. And because I get tired of that I am trying to diminish the drinking ‘Maybe I was not addicted, maybe I was just a heavy abuser. Didn’t that doctor in the movie say that real addicts only ‘think drink’?’ This is trap 512: how to mis-use knowledge to diminish ones drinking. In combination with trap 45: not realising that these thought only come up because the whole drinking thing is an addiction. I don’t have this thoughts about bell peppers and I have not eaten bell peppers since I quit. So ha! Uncovered those traps.
Shit. I am addicted.
Well, happy that I quit. Proud because of quitting has gone out of the equation a little while ago and has not returned yet. Thinking again that learning to relax is an important thing. And again: learning to trust me. But how can I trust me if I am addicted? Addiction is cunning. I think it is smarter than I am. Look it in the eye I guess, that will show its true character.
And while I try to focus my internal eye on the addicted life I lead I want to turn away. Sad now. The loneliness of it, the sadness, the prison, despair, meaninglessness, emptiness, the illusion, the trap, the drowning of feelings. 🙂 Ghegheghe, I chose my name well. Feelings should not be drowned. Trust my feelings. Aah, again, the focus should not be on ‘not drinking’, the focus should be on living clear. 🙂 That’s it.