Restoring the density of my personality

There is a new process going on, or I am noticing just it now. When I see other people who are addicted to drinking I sort of feel / think / judge 😦 ‘they are all over the place except where they need to be.’ Feeling through the process that I feel is going on inside I feel that aspect of alcohol addiction is slowly repairing in me, around me currently.

A few days ago I was totally of the planet with sadness of reading the blog from Brad (hi!), a young man who gave up on his detox (he’s back!!) to again walk the path of self-destruction. And what I got in the replies are variations on the serenity prayer. And that made me realise that I can lend my support, try to be there for somebody – but I can not carry it. Specifically when there is the North Atlantic ocean between us. :-/ I realised that just there and then and I felt my ‘aura’ – lacking a better word – shrink in width. That would be the megalomanic aspect of the addictive personality I am guessing.

And now I am facing admin 2014 and I worry about what will be – which I notice is counter productive. And I have pain about what has been – and I notice is it counter productive. In reality I have nothing but now. Exactly the place and time where I did NOT want to be when drinking.

But it is good. Now is good. I think I can deal with that. And if I don’t, drinking will never be a solution. So my aura, still lacking a better word, has shrunk in depth as well. That would have to do with the ability to process issues from the past and not worry about the future – both traits of an addictive personality.

And the last dimension: height. I’ve been speaking with the store man Friday. We worked through some I-Tjing (oracle) text that is (said to be) applicable to my life. He mentioned that it says that I go to extremes in my thinking and feeling and that this causes me problems in life. And that he had noticed that to…. That I need to find a middle road. And God! I love biology. Because this is the FIRST TIME in my life that I have been able to feel through that concept and accept it from somebody :-D. Yes, sorry to everybody that tried and got frustrated.

Note: I have also been takin those before mentioned tissue salts that have one salt that deals with people who go to extremes. So it might have come from two places at once. Aaah, that was exactly what the ‘solution’ to my problem was: sitting with it on the middle road. I guess my therapist (hi!) would agree. As would my family, deceased mother, (ex) colleagues, most likely all my former teachers, bosses, friends, neighbours, customers.

So, that is the ‘all or nothing’ aspect of the addictive personality. πŸ™‚ I guess it serves me well now I quit because in my quitting you might have noticed there is NO INBETWEEN either. πŸ™‚ I think I remember 1 or 2 posts out of 200 where mentioned having tiny cravings and there was no longing to go back at all. I guess this character trait made me lose it and now I use it to come back to life.

So, I shrunk in height, depth and width. I actually feel that happening around me and in my body and I wonder if that means that I will be losing weight ‘automatically’ too. I’ld guess those things are connected. Yes, yes, I know that is a strange thought. πŸ˜‰ Hey, this is my blog, ok? πŸ™‚

I am VERY HAPPY that I quit. It might sound like you heard it before or just a slogan but every time I write that down I do so because I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and I feel that joy – it equals, I don’t know, going to Disney land, age 10 or so. I feel freed. I was living in a cold and dark and lonely place. And I am out. I have a choice to live now.

I want: hahahaa, that I have my admin 2014 finished but that should be so at the end of this day.

I need: to keep my head together and do my admin one piece at the time, not lose it. I can cry but I need to keep breathing, take responsibility and stay with it. Aaah…. and if that not works imagine the store man seeing you unable to deal with putting some pieces of paper in order. Whatever it takes is what it takes. πŸ˜€ Yes, yes, extreme. Ok, so now I should learn not to cry and not to whip myself with nasty thoughts but sit with it.

Aah, hey, it’s just paper, it is all in the past, I can not change anything anymore, I do not have to get in a state. Breathe, breathe, ok, BREATHE, BREATHE! πŸ™‚

Have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

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7 thoughts on “Restoring the density of my personality

  1. πŸ˜€ hahaha Feeling, I really enjoyed your post. Especially the part where you thought you might lose weight automatically since you are shrinking in depth width n height. It made me laugh and care about you so much more! How cute. Who knows, this may well all lead to weight loss. πŸ˜‰

    I feel you on tbe extreme thinking. I too am the same way and it’s so wise of you to start applying that way of thinking into positive aspects of your life like sobriety.

    I, for one, have subconsciously adopted your “happy that I quit” “gingle”. I find myself singing that at least once a day and so I think about you and feel happy that we quit and I smile, so thank you for that.

    Have a super blessed happy dat feeling! Thank you for being an awesome cyber sober friend

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Light,

      Thank you, thank you, thank you. I could do with kind words and a smile after a days of depressing admin.

      You don’t believe I could lose weight by changing my view? It feels like I am doing that already but I can’t find my scale, must have pushed it out of sight last time I weighed myself :-D. I sort of think I can, lose weight with changing views, I have to worry less about things that are not mine and do not have to shield myself of from the world so much. We shall see. πŸ™‚
      I came home from posting the admin. Normally I would be – don’t even want to think about it – and now I haven’t even made tea or taken anything that I think I so deserve – because, well, just. I have shrunken :-D.

      Ghegheghe, singing ‘happy that I quit’. Good! We should make a song from it. I am happy that we quit too. πŸ™‚

      Thank you Light for lighting up my day, for lighting up my sober life πŸ™‚

      Love, Feeling.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I actually DO believe you could lose weight by changing your views. My mind is kinda funny and visualizes things in a cartoon manner. So in my mind, there you were, a gigantic (because sobering up IS such a gigantic venture) round/wide woman, shrinking in size and thinning….it was quite funny in my head. πŸ™‚

    Get up honey. You deserve it. You are doing awesome!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe, aaah, I have that visual thinking too but only when I read it from others. Ghegheghe. Yes, well… that’s how it feels. I don’t have to take the world upon my shoulders anymore so I can, I don’t know… shrink. It feels like becoming more dense. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Feeling,
    What are admins?
    Is it a test?
    Your post made me laugh, too!
    I could visualize you shrinking all around!
    Now, I’m glad I’m sober too!

    Like

    • Admin, I use it as an abbreviation for administration for my VAT and income tax.

      Well, if everybody sees me shrinking maybe I don’t even have to lose weight! Apparantly weight is in the eye of the beholder too :-).

      I am happy that you are happy that you are sober! πŸ™‚ That is good. And I think it makes it way, way easier to deal with life and sobriety. Wat do you think?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: On drinking and paying for it | feelingmywaybackintolife

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