2018 is going to be great!

Heya,

Hope you had a good, healthy, joyful start of the year 2018. I did! I quit eating chocolate about 7 days ago, slipped once but wow, I am feeling sooo much better.Β  I’m BACK! Did and did not know that it had such an influence on me. Gone is the tiredness, gone is the feeling of mweh, gone is the thinking and not doing. Yay!

And this is possibly, in all honesty, also caused by some sexy non-sex with the ex-colleague . And, to that, we have decided not to take it further because of his marital status. He is divorcing her, has been living apart for 3 years now, in separate countries… so… but…. I don’t want to go there. Also, he’s 16 years younger so I keep on getting the feeling that at some point there is no future anymore. And I’m already falling in love with this sweet and dark guy as we go along so – quit before it is too late.

Having another guy sort of sweet talking himself almost into my pants is was sort of complementary – apart from the fact that he too is married. This rascal almost put me back on my old rascal tracks and it was difficult to keep the floozy within in check but hey, I did it. Hurray for not drinking! πŸ™‚ So much better for other people’s marriages…

So, they go, or do not go back to their respective families and I am here with no work and most possibly no benefits either because I am still listed at the Chamber of Commerce as a company. Which is funny because I have paid for the benefits insurance over the last years and I am not active as a company anymore.

However, I felt the energy sucking motion of the online bureaucracy and thought to myself: this is not the path I want to walk. I need to do what I think is right. During a meditation a project which has been in my mind sprung forward and I’m following up on that now. As a self-employed person that would be. I set myself a deadline for the end of january; the main players in my project need to be on board otherwise there is not enough time to arrange all of it. The project is actually about addiction. But a more commercial version of it. Yup, commerce… does that clash with sobriety in your ears/eyes? Not in mine so far since my AF drinks are way more expensive than the beer I used to buy so….. And, with that: the wholesale price must be lower so I’m guessing shops can/could make more money on it. If the turn-over is high.

Whatever, I’m gonna try. And I’m finding that with moving into the world with this I have to deal with my shame. Working on that. :-). Having a hug-buddy who does not drink either helps. Funny how this ‘confirmation of the sober me within an intimate setting’ actually helps.

I also have to deal with stupid people with aggression against the idea of going alcohol free. I’m trying that online currently where I comment on Facebook posts which are either about being sober or drinking. Have any of you done that? I find it quite difficult not to end up in flames. πŸ™‚ But as this is a trial for my project I have turned it into a learning experience. I realise I was the same. I realise that the person who is shouting out and trying to ridicule and shame me over nothing but a suggestion or some data still lives in the fable of Lalaland. He is as I was. I need to learn to deal because if my project works I will be speaking with a lot of people about addiction for a full year and haha, that could .. challenge me. πŸ™‚

NEW: with being less tired, more aware, gone chocolateless (not sugerless totally, substituting with mandarins and pineapple currently, they come out of my ears). I can focus on progressing again. Ever since I got deeply into the chocolate the progress seemed to stop and depression and moaning introduced themselves. Currently on my mind is sticking to the subject when working on the project. Setting goals within the day and then seeing how I lalalalalaaaalalala step away from them. I’m using my egg-timer again. Every time it rings I need to check if I’m sticking to the task. πŸ˜€ It might sound funny but this is a very helpful tool.

In line of these ‘stick to the subject’ I am actually starting to think I should edit my posts. In a few years I’ll go back and analyse all the posts and see how many times I said this. Well, there is, within me, a need for organisation. The tile from the former post has made me think that I have hidden myself for way too long. Now, when working on my project I try to keep myself in check and focus on the up and out into the light instead of down and into depression and ‘I can’t, I’m too tired, I’m broken, I’m not enough, it will never work mode’.

Because today is the first day of the rest of my life. πŸ™‚ Anything is possible and if I do not try I will never know.

considerforamomentwhatyoucallyourpersonality

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I quit drinking. In a way sorry that it had to take me so long to try again with the chocolate but I guess that is how it works; if you don’t pay attention to the true inner voices you will not go in the right direction.

I don’t want to have to excuse myself anymore. I am regrowing my backbone. Did some tapping on that. NEW. Works nice. Good tool.

I am happy that I quit, not always liking what I see but getting more at ease with myself. Speaking with the hug-buddy and being open about things, giving myself the time and the authority not to do things which are crossing lines has helped. Being met nicely in that has helped too. πŸ™‚

A woman who loves herself would follow the tiny things in her head more. Like ‘clean the desk’ when it is dirty instead of postponing it. That makes me feel so much better. It gives energy because otherwise I beat myself up over procrastinating and that costs way more energy. And the self-loathing. Pfiew. There was a time where I could deal with those ‘shoulds’ and say a woman who loves herself now chooses to clean her desk / not clean her desk. I will go back there. I keep a list with how I apply my time during the day and in that file there is a column of learning experiences.

I meditate in the morning for about a month now I think. Sometimes a little yoga. And now I’m off to bed because I want to get up on normal times again.

Wishing you a good sober, joyful, inspiring 2018! May your tribe prosper and the gods of sober development be with you!

xx, Feeling

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29 thoughts on “2018 is going to be great!

  1. This sounds wonderfully positive and it was so heartening to read it.

    I’ve never been a big drinker, but my poison is sugar. It’s been 4 years (on the 3rd January) since I gave up chocolate, so it was fab to read this in your blog. I mostly gave up sugar too at the time, but slipped back into eating it when my dad died a year ago. A week or so ago, at a point when I was feeling incredibly shit about myself, I had an epiphany of sorts. I realised that if I can quit chocolate (something I was completely addicted to) then I could quit anything. All I have to do is tell myself that I’m giving up cake or whatever and I’ll be sorted. Not as easy as that, obviously, but it IS. It’s actually as simple as that. But my thing isn’t alcohol. I can’t imagine how difficult that is to give up. I’m in awe by everyone that I follow here, who’s going through alcohol dependency. Different thing entirely!

    One thing I was incredibly fascinated with in your story, was your self awareness. It’s a difficult thing to do…letting go of someone, when you’re already falling in love with them and I wish you good luck with everything. But I think you’ve got this!!

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    • Hey S_MW, thank you for dropping by and commenting! An yay, chocolate :-). Funny thing with dependency / addiction is that it is a mindset and a physical dependency (chocolate refers to magnesium deficiency I think) and a spiritual error. When quitting it might be handy to keep that in mind. By quitting my former job I have lowered the impuls to eat chocolate, stuffing down chocolate ‘helps’ me control emotions. Also, I remember now, I have been taking a homeopathic medicine that reduces the need for chocolate. But it is not magnesium, something different.
      Wishing you luck with your quitting chocolate one day. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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  2. Congrats on the chocolate and on the rascal diversion. Alcohol free!! super congrats on that one. Hug-a buddy, now that is an awesome idea. Snap!! Egg timer – awesome idea, I need to try that. Great that you are meditating. It really does make a huge difference. I was on and off for awhile and wasn’t getting anywhere. It is sooo important to do it every single day. Keep up the good work. πŸ™‚

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    • Ooh, this morning the rascal diversion seems a bad idea when listening to something inside dancing and screaming ” YOLO, YOLO!!!” and there I go with my full addictive personality and body. F! Well, no f! I’ll lock myself up and ride the wave I guess. Next time catch it before it starts because this is…. well, let’s put it the other way: I am very happy for (almost 😦 ) all of you women in a relation. πŸ˜€
      Aaaah… insight: addictive personality meets sex. Hmmm…. 😐 No wonder. Ghegheghe….. a handful of wisdom would come in handy. No, don’t think about hands. Aaahrg! I’m going to not think about this for a while.
      xx, Feeling

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      • I FULLY understand about having an addictive personality. It’s something that’s very hard to harness. Fortunately, as I got older it got easier. occasionally, it will rear its ugly head and turn me temporarily cray-cray. In the past I would be afraid to try anything new for fear that it would become ‘something else to be addicted to’. There are good guys out there, they aren’t perfect by all means. Meditation does help and most days I am able to overlook the trail of debris left by my husband. I have just stopped worrying about it and only worry about myself. I find that its the only way. I read somewhere that most people with addictions come from divorced families. There….I could now place blame on someone other than myself. Not that that’s right but….it helps. Try and have a good day. Keep meditating (Insight App on phone has some great meditations) I prefer just music. Try and have a good day. Things will get better, I promise. πŸ™‚

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      • I know it’s been so long. I stopped posting due to a divorce and a family member’s misunderstanding of my site…so I’m still writing, just not making anything public. I’m doing ok, still struggling but it’s been a while since my last drink!

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      • I’m still in remission and blood tests indicate I’m stable. Thanks for asking! As long as I stay sober, monitor my diet and exercise (a lot!) I’m pretty healthy! The divorce was a long time coming…I just miss my little boy horribly.

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      • Sorry that you are missing him, or, well, it is natural. I guess I say nothing new if I say I wish things were different for you. :-/
        Glad you are stable! That is good news. Exercise is always good, sitting is the new smoking. :-/ You were running, is it not?
        xx, Feeling

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      • I’m really into yoga right now since the cold is sooo bad! (0 degrees F this morning) Good memory! I’m back in the mountains stateside on the Virginia/Tennessee/Kentucky border and training for a marathon.

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      • Yoga! Cool! And training for a marathon… I am humbled by your excercise…
        Had to look up what 0 degrees Fahrenheit is in Celsius, that is VERY cold. Ooh, brrrr… We had that once in the Netherlands, and had to bike to school 12 kilometers (10 miles). Thick long underwear, pajama trousers, pants, rainpaints, 3 layers of t-shirts, 2 sweaters, coat, raincoat, hat, 2 pairs of gloves and a scarf. The sun was shining and we were actually sweating when we arrived at school. One of those ‘don’t understand how the teachers deal with this air’ days at school. πŸ™‚ Remember that smell of too many partially washed, sweaty children in a school? Or did you all get driven to school? We have a tiny, flat country so all kids come by bicycle. πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling

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      • It is so cold! I really want to visit the Netherlands. There is no way that I’m biking in these temperatures! My hat if off to you! I did some free writing this morning with you in mind! Thanks for the motivation.

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      • Let me know when you show up here. Schiphol is 20 miles away. As is the rest of the Netherlands, well, sort of. Tiny country, 200 bij 250 miles. I believe that’s about as big at 1 state in your country. πŸ™‚ . But everybody knows us because we go all over the world. That is because it is such a small country. I guess. πŸ˜€ (Actually it is because this country made a shitload of money on slavetrade and invested that in conquering other countries, tulip bulbs, and drugs and so we got into sailing the world. That would be the short story. πŸ™‚
        Amsterdam is a nice way to start off a ‘do Europe’ tour. Let me know when you are ready to plan and I’ll be happy to give some tips. πŸ™‚
        xx, Feeling

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  3. I’ve learned that I can replace my addiction to substances with an endless number of things. Sounds like chocolate was taking the place of alcohol! BEEN THERE! Good for you for continuing to right yourself when you get off course. This is lifelong work, but it’s such good work. Happy New Year!

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    • Hi ATP, yes, it is/was a transfer addiction. And yes to the endless number of things. Funny in an possibly not so funny way, how this works. But no chocolate is working, everything is getting clearer. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for dropping by and commenting, hope you can find something here to your liking.
      xx, Feeling

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    • Thank you Wendy!! To you too! ❀ Learning good lessons here already! Hug buddy today: "You should not live in the past. If you live in the past you can not live in the now. If you do not live in the now, you can not do your project." That eh, was right in the face. But he's right. πŸ™‚ So I have written it out and it is next to my screen.
      xx, Feeling

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