Learning. My ´no chocolate´ diet is running for about 7 days now and suddenly I get the urge to walk to the shop and get some. So I thought I would go here and write. Not about chocolate. But about what I do not want to learn.
Learning comes to me in several different types.
Sometimes I learn from other people’s mistakes. That is pretty comfortable. Sometimes I learn by insight. That would be like lightning hitting me and I change my ways. Or reading a book and suddenly getting the picture. That is how I quit drinking alcohol.
Currently I am unemployed and trying to build a living again. While meditating, a 3 year old idea for a project sprung up. It is the only thing on my path currently. So to me it feels like The Thing I should do. Who am I to go against the flow?
The project is related to alcohol use in society. For that I need contacts with big organisations in the field. It would be one of the biggest things I have ever done. I give myself a month to get it going and get the main players interested in the project. I think I can do it.
Well, all good so far. And then I start. I usually work by getting an idea of the field; what, who, where and why. I set up an Excel file and throw all the keywords in there till I start to see a structure and organise by subject. I have put a deadline because I do not want to fool myself. Then I apply priorities and then…. things start to crumble. 🙂
I’m browsing the net, trying to get an idea of the players in the field in order to sort out whom to contact. And then I read about a project somebody did, and the project is related to another organisation which has an online test which might be interesting to include in my project. Now the test leads to an online training. For the online training I need an e-mail address. I do not want to use my Feeling’s address because I need anonymity here. So I make an e-mail address. The e-mail address needs to have meaning which defines the intentions of the project. So I write out the intentions of the project in my keywords file. I eat and I overeat while working. I get nauseous, I want to get my homeopathic stuff for that but I ran out. So I order online. If I have to pay money for shipping I might as well see if I am down on others as well. So I alphabetized 80 pots and work out what I need and place an order.
I enter the training. The training has a contact person. As I said before I want to get to know the branch so I am thinking of a contact management system. Obviously NOT through LinkedIn and here we go, I spend 2 days online testing free online management systems. While writing this I checked out if I could change the icon of a contact person to a photo in the online system.
In order to follow ‘Dry January’ in the UK I need Twitter, so I set up a project Twitter. I want to like them on Facebook, so I set up a project FB account and so on and so forth. One week later, I have a whole lot, but I have the feeling I did not further myself.
While this all happens I follow all kinds of ‘quitting’ projects online with my normal Facebook, mainly the ones about smoking. Because my project will entail (well, if it all…. ) social media I have to learn to deal with the negativity that is out there too. I practice on sites which are about quitting smoking. Before I would well, you know me, kill and attack if I found opposition. I hope to learn to judge correctly if it is worth my time to say something, find a tone which does not ‘throw oil on the fire’ (Dutch saying) and keep my blood pressure down at the same time. Currently I am there where I realise that I am getting upset. 🙂 I should be finding standard replies and list them in my file.
Yesterday the hug-buddy came along. For the project I am working out I need to stay on top of my game because I feel that any disturbance to my equilibrium might really get me off track. I feel I need to walk the narrow road when it comes to ethics. Being hug-buddies with a married guy is not good. Might sound funny but I feel it corrupts me. Yeah. There I am, many years without any sex or hints at it and really enjoying the more or less sexy hug-buddy man and then ‘things inside me change’ without even thinking about it and I look at him thinking: we should not do this. Obviously we did do ‘this’ but is was only the hug-part not with the tiny hint of sexy. He is starting to realise that my priorities have shifted. Well, so much for the tiny hint of sexy.
Ok, all that happens and it gets me off track again and again and again. I got restless with the low results of my work. First I start making more tea. Then I start eating this, and that, possibly early lunch/dinner, more toiletting, more disliking myself, more being distracted by everything and I ended up going to the store and getting a bar of chocolate with chips. It is funny how I could fool myself that it is a decision. But my addictive personality has built up this large, imagined need for chocolate and the want for chocolate walks on the same road as the want for chocolate sobriety. And it makes this urge feel like a rational choice. I find this so interesting (and effing irritating). It is through this process that denial can become so big. Because I was walking to the shop feeling in control. This is so amazing. I remember doing that when drinking and I did not want to think about it. Now I stayed sort of ‘monitoring’ myself until I became too uncomfortable. It is amazing.
So… to learning: I feel that learning about a certain issue comes to me like a spiral. Imagine the ‘Truth’ or ‘Knowledge’ in the middle and a spiral of learning experiences coming from outside in. It seems that every time I learn something and integrate it, it comes back in a new version in which I see different aspects of it. Like with the chocolate, I can now see how the urge presents itself as a decision to fake an impression of control. Also, I have quit drinking but after the concussion 1,5 years ago I got sloppy and really got into transfer addictions. So, as any addiction which goes unchecked it gets worse. And then, with the knowledge I have now I can (could/should) approach it.
What I know now is that I have not really really decided to stop. Haha, which… is exactly what I said every 180 days of the last half-year of drinking that I did a day 1, or so.
A friend told me, as Anne once did, that sugar is not the enemy. That is true. But I made it dangerous for me. So I need to do something. Monitoring it is ok for now.
Edit: what happenend after eating 80 grams of chocolate and drinking 1 ginger beer is that I got all depressed and was sobbing in front of my computer ‘because’. Because…. because of ‘everything’. And the whole project was useless while I believed in the whole day and nothing had changed in between – apart from me ‘deciding’ to eat chocolate. And suddenly I was worthless and useless and nothing would work. 😦 It is amazing.
I did not get as ill as I did 2 weeks ago after eating it. Guess there is a build up too. I was getting heart palpitations from one bar of chocolate. Also a lot of brain fog and shortness of breath. That’s when I have taken it too far I guess. 😦 I keep on going back to the believe that my body deals very badly with sugar and that it is of the utmost importance for my spiritual health that I quit drowning myself in food things – chocolate and other. And you know, I wish i HAD started a year ago according to:
So what did I do? I ate chocolate. Then I realised: No matter how hard I am failing right now at getting it done, I think I can do it. So this is the way. And what is in the way, is The Way. And I got out my Bach remedies and looked for something to help me focus.
Scleranthus: for people who’s Life’s energy is fragmented due to a shocking experience. I feel I have that all my life due to my vanishing twin brother. I am good at starting energy and then I, lose it all because I can not focus. This was not so apparent in my job because there were deadlines.
Cerato: about collecting info, and collecting more info to be sure, and collecting some more info just to be absolutely sure. That would be me.
Elm: for feeling overwhelmed. I wondered if my eating addiction was not partially a solution to being easily overwhelmed. If I get overwhelmed by info, or stray energy going everywhere, I eat to ground myself. We shall see.
Agrimony: general Bach remedy for what I would call an addictive personality. And well, for everything I have written above.
Chestnut bud: for not learning, for doing the same stupid thing over and over again.
I am happy that I quit. I also realise that the work is not over yet.
A woman who loves herself would, ha, she would possibly have remembered that loving herself could be a valid option instead of eating chocolate. Ok. Ok. Learning spiral. The hardest thing to learn: self-care, that it is ok to take care of me. That no matter how useless, worthless, ugly, ridiculous any person might think I am, I have the right and the duty to take care of me. I have the right to love myself and to make the best decision for me because I care. A lot of that is theory. I wonder why exactly it is so difficult to achieve just that which is most important.
That is because I give it no importance. Because to care for me contradicts what, in essence, I believe about me. Gosh, how did this start out positive and end here? Ghegheghe….
Ok. I am happy that I quit. I find it difficult to not be influenced by all the drink thingies I see online now I am searching the web for my project. So I guess I will do another series of the free online alcohol desensitization course I started out with when I quit drinking. Just to get away from having to fight impulses. It is funny in a not funny way how images can stir up old urges. I am thinking that being bombarded with images of drink and drinking is not good for the soul. It feels spiritually unsound. Not sure if that is ‘only’ because I have a bad relation with alcohol.
Aah, I drifted off again. A woman who loves herself would go to bed right now.
Wishing you a good sober weekend!