Went to an AA meeting

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What?! Yes! I went to an AA meeting today. Not sure why. Possibly because I feel another rock-bottom coming up and I don’t want to do stuff alone anymore. Meeting people who have travelled the same road was good. 🙂 I got to introduce myself and say (quite) some words. I was surprised at how normal most of the people looked. Ghegheghe..

I am happy that I but I realise that I am not doing ‘the work’ now since I Netflix and chocolate the day away. I find ‘things’ too difficult to deal but I can’t really not deal because my income is on the line. I still have something between 0 and 16 working days in this month I need to be at work. Talks with HR and my boss have been really heavy. I do however ‘recover’ quicker than I would do if I drank. That is very obvious now. Maybe also because I have found personal closure in this where I realised the other day that the whole issue with my boss is a bitch fight over the guys. Not proud of it, but well, yeah, her getting paid at least 3 times my salary should have kept her from behaving the way she does. It did not. I can not cope. I need to get out. I could have filed a complaint. I do not want to do that (right now) even though she has cost me enough in therapy costs. Filing a complaint would also drag others into this and I just want to get out and focus on the future.

I had a ‘job’ application on Thursday, it went well and since I was the only candidate she informed me that I was ‘most likely in’. And…. the next day she changed her mind. It is not a job but an assignment which I would fulfill from my business side. And the school is looking for people to stay there and actually take up a job. I would appreciate that but also informed her that I cannot live from the currently offered 4 hours divided over 2 days. Which means I HAVE to look for another job. Not sure if it were my surprise at her not understanding this point or something else which threw here off but she now has doubts if I am the one. Food for thought. Well, I am invited for a 2nd interview but the date has not been set.

I am happy that I quit. Happy that I went to a meeting today. Not sure what to do with my face though because I’m so caught up in the sharings that I do not mind my face and that goes from ‘Holy shit’ to ‘Ooh my gosh’ to crying over pain I am reminded of. Can you please tell me how you deal with that? I need to learn to regulate, not? Lifting my eyebrows when people speak of repeated DUI’s might be ‘politically correct’ in ‘normal life’ but not in an AA meeting. :-/

A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good. The other day I had a drinking dream. Not sure what it was about. I believe I had forgotten that I do not drink. I have that a lot since is it such a non issue. I believe I even forgot my 2 year 1 month soberversary. Not sure if that is good. I think I must watch myself. The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop. Aah ja, because exactly due to the chocolate I feel not worth stopping for. It is SO much like alcohol for my body and mind. I am tired of walking in circles with this but I feel like I have no way out. Oh yeah, that is why I went to the AA meeting; see if that could inspire me.

I am so tired of the difficulties in my life. I feel so lonely going through this on my own. The normy friends I have do not understand having an addictive personality. I am back to not appreciating myself for who and what I am. I feel like again I am leaving a family behind. Well, obviously a family with a ‘mother’ who exactly does not appreciate me for who I am and I take over this projected feeling. Or possibly I project it onto her and she back. Or, well, whatever. I dislike this path in life where again and again I have to leave. It is like being born all over again and again and again and it is not the nice independent, freeing side of getting born I meet currently. I want to get away I want to fly away.

Mwoah, darkness is taking over -> bedtime! Sleep = good. 🙂

Wishing you a nice, preferably sober day / evening / week!

I am happy that I quit. Not liking my life currently and my lack of dealing but sober = better. 🙂

xx, Feeling

12 thoughts on “Went to an AA meeting”

  2. Hi Feeling!
    I am happy you went to a meeting!
    I know that I sometimes have to watch my reactions to what some people say.
    One lady killed another person in a car accident…she was drunk. She had just come out of prison.
    Then I remember, it could have been me that killed someone because of my drinking and driving.
    In terms of your work family, I understand.
    I just hope and pray you find a healthier family to work with!
    xo
    Wendy

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    • Hi Wendy,
      Good to hear I am not the only one who needs to watch the reactions. After yesterday I feel like I was a pussy when drunk. I only ruined myself big time. 😦 / :-).
      I can not wait for another family. My boss is trying to replace me and finds it hard, says I have raised the bar very high. Which, I guess, is nice of her to say.
      xx, Feeling

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  3. Well done on going to a meeting. I have just started going to a group and the relief of being with people who really get it is huge. Keep at it – you are doing great even with so much else going on a – I admire you. Hugs. Xx

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  4. It made me laugh when you said that people seemed normal at the meeting. It isca mental image of mine that somehow I will be the only normal person there. What is normal anyway, I have so much baggage it isn’t funny. Don’t be too hard on yourself regarding the chocolate. Ig is a much better addiction than alcohol. Eventually you will find you don’t need as much. Maybe you could join me in a zumba class and we could look silly together 😘

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  7. “A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. And she would have cleaned the house, not sit around feeling she should have cleaned the house for the whole effing weekend. Sliding, sliding. I don’t want to be aware. I am already overtaxed as it is. Don’t want to feel. Don’t want to realise stuff. Not good.”

    When I read this, I feel empathetic as I tend to be really hard on myself. The thing is, “shoulding” on ourselves gets us nothing but more pain. It kind of goes like this: I should have done ‘x’ but I didn’t, so I feel guilty (or like a bad person, like our behaviour defines us etc.) and the result is feeling worse than we did before (in addition to the other bad things we are feeling) reducing our motivation to do those things we ‘should’ have done before. Cleaning is a huge one for me and definitely the first thing to go when I’m struggling with my emotions. How do I deal? If all I feel like doing is watching Netflix, I make a deal with myself that I will do task x then I can watch an episode (one, not 2 or 5 or 10). Then I do another cleaning task, another episode. It takes much longer to clean the house this way, but at the end I don’t feel bad that I didn’t accomplish anything that day. I’m not sure that helps, but I thought I’d share because it works for me.

    “The amount of chocolate, still under 1 bar, that I eat makes me cry like a crybaby and depressed. Suicide thoughts popping up like mushrooms in autumn after the eating of chocolate and still I do not stop.”

    Sounds like eating chocolate is painful for you. Do you think you feel depressed after eating chocolate because you’ve told yourself you shouldn’t and so when you do you feel guilty, depressed because you haven’t lived up to the standard of self-control you have set for yourself? Like I Quit Wineing said, don’t be so hard on yourself regarding the chocolate. It is chocolate, not alcohol and at the end of the day you are still 2 years, 1 month sober. What an accomplishment!

    Because when I read what I quoted of yours on chocolate, I actually don’t think it is about the chocolate. It is about what you’ve told yourself your chocolate consumption means, which gets you really down on yourself.

    Suggestion: change your thinking around chocolate consumption. Instead of thinking, ” oh no, I’m still self-medicating with chocolate no good, I’m no good, quickly spirals into suicidal thoughts.” Flip the thinking around, I’m proud that I ate less than one bar of chocolate today and I’m still sober. Celebrate the win (staying sober, eating less chocolate) rather than the loss (still eating chocolate). Just some thoughts, hopefully they are helpful.

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    • Crying here. It is so hard to read back what I write. I don’t do this a lot. I don’t edit my posts and don’t tend to read back. When I read what I wrote and read your reply it all makes very good sense. 🙂
      Concerning the chocolate: my body reacts the same way to sugar as to alcohol, it makes me a miserable crying drunk. And when writing this I put another piece in my mouth. Whining :-(, no good. It will solve itself eventually, I know that, but I think I prefer sooner rather than later. But yes to the 2 year and 1 month plus sober. 🙂
      Thank you for reading and your kind words. Very welcome. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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