Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.

My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!

Yes, that is exactly how childish it is. 😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”

Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues. 😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.

So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me. :-/ She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now. :-/

So basically it is a bitch fight over guys. πŸ˜‰ Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.

I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.

It is a strange world.

I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.

xx, Feeling

14 thoughts on “Basically it is a bitch fight over guys.

    • Yes. And with a salary like hers there is no room for excuses. Maybe there never is. Not sure. But this were the dynamics and I am glad I worked them out. However childish and sad. 😦
      I will carry your luck wish with me tomorrow! Thank you! πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you! I will be taking all the good wishes with me. Still feeling shaky though.
      Yeah, the rough time at work. Well, yeah. Wish it was easier. Wish I could have handled it with more insight. I could not. I am happy though that I document everything by blogging because it very much shows my progress in reaction and being reactionary. This is what happens if ‘you’ (i!) do not take life into your own hands I guess. Or maybe I would like to think that because that makes me feel less powerless ;-). We shall see. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  1. It sounds like you took back control, by handing in your resignation. Sometimes we can only see with any clarity when we are a little removed from the situation. Your resignation gave you that, maybe? Good luck for your next step feelingx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, amen to the clarity. Shame that it comes after the fact. ;-). But still, I might have clarity, which gives me closure, does not mean she has it too. :-/.
      Thank you, my first next step actually worked out really nice. I got a new assignment, details should still be filled in, and contract signed, but still, the intention for working for a school for a 40 hour project is there. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


  2. Pingback: Went to an AA meeting | feelingmywaybackintolife

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