Well, boss read the letter of resignation and she was pissed off big time. And Monday morning brought 2 people from HR to the workplace and the required a talk with the boss first, then with me and then with the boss. Tuesday they came back and we had a talk with the 4 of us. Guidelines for contact have been set; basically we promised to act normal towards each other till the rest of the time and I am not allowed to disclose the content of my resignation letter.
My boss was angry. Totally out of herself angry. And then she started crying and what I understood from what she said is that she feared that I had set up the guys against her behind her back. This is when it hit me: she is right, I have tried to make myself secure by finding allies. BUT YOU STARTED IT!!!
Yes, that is exactly how childish it is. 😦 Queen bee being scared of her throne and me battling it out with her. And you know, if she would have said “I am sorry that I was mean to you but I feel threatened by you and how the guys like you.” All would have been ok. I understand that. And I would have said: “I am sorry that I got myself dragged into this, I am sorry that I looked for allies instead of talking to you. I had never thought I could. And it took me quite some time to confront you and set boundaries. I am sorry that I have been mean to you and lost sight of your humanity, my humanity. We have lost time in meeting each other. I regret that.”
Aaah, in hindsight: I am sorry that I have let myself be pulled into this. It is informative: now I know how it worked that she started to dislike me and treat me bad since ever I found my footing in the company and started being appreciated by my colleagues. 😦 I am guessing this is a nasty experience I would rather have done differently. Ooh, longing for the time where wisdom comes BEFORE I do something stupid.
So how come I did not see this. I did sense it, but I felt threatened because, well, because she did threaten me. She should not have. She does not earn at least 3 times my salary to behave like this, which is what I threw at her feet. Practised being angry again, now with HR there, they were impressed. My HR person said: “You two look a lot alike.” I answered that I had been afraid that this would be the outcome. I said: “I never fight, I never argue with people, mostly I am too scared. Now I do. I find that being angry feels better than being sad, I guess that is why a lot of people are so angry.” HR woman said: “Maybe that is why your boss is so angry. She is very sad as well.” “Yes, I noticed.” And then I told her what I wrote above, on the insight I had that we both fear that the other throws us out of the group. She understood. And she understood why I don’t believe the apologies my boss is making now.
So basically it is a bitch fight over guys. 😉 Never thought I would make myself lose a job over such a stupid thing. Which does not justify her behaviour. But I was there too.
I am very happy that I quit because otherwise I would not ever have been able to look myself in the eye and come to that enormously silly conclusion. I am happy I did, and, if nothing changes, I will, in the end, explain my insight to her and offer my apologies. Hoping for ubuntu.
It is a strange world.
I have a ‘job application’ tomorrow / interview for taking on an assignment. Wish me luck. I am not feeling lucky but I would really appreciate this assignment.