Today the woman who I have written about before as ‘the nutritionist friend’ and I met and again and with her presence and how she is rooted in the world she has tought me the existence of an emotion that was not in my emotional vocabulary: gratefulness.
I am grateful to GP1 for having picked me up and made me realise that the shame I felt about drinking actually stopped me from doing something about it. I am grateful to me for picking me up. I am grateful to the good voice in me that is guiding the way. Yeah! I am even grateful for that nagging addict inside that gives me a run for my money and therefore makes me stronger. Maybe I am overdoing it a bit. I am grateful for my friends who support me with fun gettogethers and who don’t bug me about not drinking. I am grateful that I get to feel happiness again and again. I am grateful that I learn -although it is way easier to be grateful when I am learning the happy stuff than when I am learning the difficult stuff- true, true.
Today I learned that:
‘Nothing can be solved in one day.’ This still clashes with my feelings of omnipotence but somewhere I am starting to believe that I could imagine that there could be a hint of truth in that which counts for some people some day, possibly including me at a certain stage. Let’s say I will keep the option open. Which, now I come to think of it, is rather funny because I don’t get any shit done apart from well that. Brrrrrrr, that is a can of worms, not going there.
‘It gets easier.’
‘Everything starts tiny.’ I need to learn to respect that.
In stead of berating me I can say: ‘I will do what I can.’
I need to relax about food. 🙂
But most of all: I am doing well. I can be proud of that, and even if I was not doing well I can be proud because I put in the work that I can. And that is what I can. Funny, I think of myself as lacking in everything but I do take being clear very serious. I guess I have been expecting that with work comes reward and the reward will make me feel good. But the reward of the emotional work I do is clarity. Because there’s stuff I fear, clarity sometimes hurts. Hmmmm… now there’s a notion: instant fixes are not at hand anymore. Where have I heard the need for the instant fix before….?
In explaining what keeps me from drinking / what keeps me from connecting ‘good’ and ‘alcohol’ I found that I have found another ‘good’ or a Good. That is connecting with me, listening to the good voice inside. aligning with the concept of good behind that voice.
So. Today I am grateful, happy and proud of what I have achieved. 4 Days short of 3 months sober. I am happy that I quit and happy that I have come to newly meet wonderful people in my real life and here in the blogosphere.
Hope you all have a good weekend. 🙂