The land of no self-hate – Episode 11

Last weeks have been dark and then some insight popped up. Right now I would word that as: ‘The darkness is liveable, it is the running away which causes the pain.” I eh, hahahaha…. hmmm…. see some connections with life and excessive drinking here….

Writing this and finding out that I took a 48 year D-tour to find out that ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” or in Dutch:

Een mens lijdt dikwijls ‘t meest,
door ‘t lijden dat hij vreest.
Doch dat nooit op komt dagen.
Zo heeft hij meer te dragen,
dan God te dragen geeft.

Which roughly translates into: Often people suffer from fear of situations which will never occur anyway. That is how people suffer more than God/The Universe has given them to bear.

Currently I am trying to sustain this insight which means practising being in the now and accepting what is. I am practising this with my mind but it seems my system is wired to be continuously stressed out. Guess that did not surprise you. It does surprise me however. The more I find out about myself the more I understand why I once thought drinking was a good ‘solution’. This continuous state of stress is pretty nasty. I can truly not remember the last time I was relaxed for say, half a day. It must have been some holiday in the ’90.

Today is my 3 year, 11 month sober monthyversary. I have discovered much in this time. I chose this my blog name because I realised I used alcohol to not feel. So in order to get sober I thought I might as well dive into my feelings. Hahahaa….. sigh. Gheghegheghe…. sigh…. Don’t wish too hard, it might come true 😉

I can tell you now: people (i?) have many layers. And layers can be approached from different angles at different times while I am in different ‘states’ of being. What I am trying to learn now is no different from ‘being in the moment’, from ‘breathe, relax and drink water’ from practising ‘what are your hopes, your fears and your expectations’, from ‘taking Life at Life’s terms’. 🙂 Nothing different from ‘feeling my way back into life’. Not different from ‘trying to not judge’. And you know, sometimes all of these insights come together at one point and then it all falls apart again for me to rebuild and leave out what does not work. I guess for some it might seem I am going in cirlces. I guess for some parts I am but I am not ready to find any help and also I feel that I really really need to find out what I am like, inside, without interference. Well, in other words again: not ready for help.

So, many layers, different moments, situations, attitudes all to be explored and currently active is my attempt to accept the darkest darkness which I know up to now. Not running for it. Not fighting it. Not blaming myself for it – just having a look at it without judgement. Experiencing how I want to run away from what is happening inside, how I grab my new phone to start playing a game, how I read a book to forget what is bothering me, how I eat, watch Netflix – so much running. Constantly informing myself ‘this is me’, ‘this is me too’, ‘this is ok’, ‘it is ok to feel this’, ‘no need to run, you have lived through this before’, ‘this is me too’.

I have set my phone timer every 15 minutes to remind me to check if I am still on track. Time and time again I am amazed at how much energy goes into fear and worrying. Having said that…. I have several letters laying about here which need to be opened. I suspect invoices.

Other subject; the hug-buddy dropped by yesterday, informing me that he has lied about 2 things. He still works his second job and does not play sports when in the evening hours.  He lied deliberately because he saw me lifting an eyebrow when he mentioned the 2nd job. Next to his way too tiring 45 to sometimes 50 hours a week job he has added another 2-3 hours a day of food delivery to his watch. I know this is pretty normal in the USA where a lot of people with a 40 hour job in services can not even make a living wages. But it is not normal in The Netherlands. I know how tired he is daily and his health is failing but he keeps on adding responsibilities to his life which wear him out. Also, the tax system in the Netherlands is progressive, so with way more work he is only going to gain a little more but he is not aware of that. I informed him of that earlier. And together that was enough to make him lie. He said he had quit the job. I was happy about that and thought nothing more of it. When, in the evening we connect online and I enquire after his day he lies and says he has been sporting with his roomies.

Why? We are not even in a relation where I have the power to demand anything of him. Also, he seemingly does not have the idea he can speak to me, even about the small stuff. What about the big stuff? What if he had, say a VD? Or, well, why lie all together? I just wonder what somebody’s interior is made off if they feel they can not speak to me about this. He speaks about every big and tiny shame he has about sex, it is sort of unload of shame whenever we meet. Me being witness to his pain helps him process stuff and it helps me process mine. So why oh why lie about something so, so tiny?

The hug-buddy has financial issues because he has financial obligations to his estranged wife, his kid and the family in his homeland. It is very strange to, with my Dutch / Western culture, run into this family blackmail system they are all involved in. And the hug-budy gives way, and gives way, and gives way to all the blackmail in his family because ‘first born and only son’ – all these things which have totally lost their meaning in our society and are therefore difficult for me to understand. Worse: they make me angry because I see it as a prison they all create for each other. But that is not my business and when he enquires after this I speak from that place in space where I know it is not my business and where I am aware of the cultural differences and my lack of family ties on top of that.

I was thinking I dealt with that ok-ish but now I am confused. The ‘shame one another into the group’ culture seems to have gotten into his spine. I guess it is naive to think some years of appreciating the (relative) freedom of the West would magically change his make-up. This recent issue makes it look like dodging issues which ‘women’ present is his favorite way of not dealing with stuff and not being present to the woman in front of him. While trying to speak with him about why he lied he kept on interrupting me, did not listen, kept on inserting the words ‘women are like that’ in  and in the ‘conversation’ and in the end did not find anything I said of any importance and left.

I seem to be not a person, I am ‘one of the women’ and because of that whatever I say is not really important. My final conclusion is that he lied because he thought I would make a scene and chuck him out (wot?!) if he did not quit his extra job. Looking at it from a very dark point I would say he just wanted to keep his proverbial foot in the proverbial door.

Oh F! I’m angry. And as a logical decision I shut my emotional doors and threw him out of the tiny corner in my heart. I am getting way too well exercised in chucking people out of my heart. And then again… why be around people who are not willing to communicate and see me as a person worth speaking with. Not speaking to, speaking with.

And haha, the day before this happened I signed up at a dating site for outings in the city.  It is not a datingsite per se, it is more for outings, however some people do mention how they are tall, skinny and blond so I guess they are looking to date-date. I would like to visit some exhibitions, theater, musea and movies with others, male or female. While writing here I am making an appointment with another guy just because I am angry. Geez how childish is that. 5 Minutes later the other guy wants to meet along the highway – with airco. Nope. Not happening ‘along the highway’ = motel. I proposed a forest. And hahah, I can’t even say: “My way or the high way!” Ghegheghe….

Need to get out of this mode. This is not how I want to deal with people or myself. The my way or the high way joke says it all. I do not want to meet another person who diminishes me to boobs and ass only.

I just chatted with the hug-buddy on how I felt about what he did. He replied with patting himself on the shoulder for not lying anymore but telling me. Hmmm… that is not what I had hoped for. What about ‘Sorry’? Sorry has not shown up in this conversation yet. :-/ Why chat? Because I am so angry that I can not even be near him and he contacted me. Sigh.

My phone alarm goes off very 15 minutes telling me ‘this is me too’.  Every 15 minutes I am acutely aware of my emotions and hahaha, they are quite powerful. I do not think it is a good idea to be thrown around by emotions which is why I have to get to know them. Light and dark. Fuckerthefuckerthefuckfuckfuck.

Haaaa… that’s better.


Ok! I am HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!! I guess this is it. This is me. This is how I walk this earth. I do not have to run from everything because frankly; running has become too tiring. Running internally for what I do not want to accept actually makes me fearful and depressed. I am here where I prefer the real shit instead of the running way, self invented school sick depression shit. And no, I do not say that I think this is true for other depressed people. At this moment, from where I stand now and how I look upon the things unfolding this is true for me. It is actually pretty relaxing to realise ‘this is me’. It is not ‘that I am’ – which is a term from the spiritual teachings world but I am currently looking at the system of e-motions – the things which set me in motion. I have some unpacking, cleaning up and settling down to do. 🙂

Coming to the end of this post I realise this acceptance is part of learning to love myself, of self acceptance so I changed the blog header to the self-love series. Being witness to what is inside of me, being witness to my emotional body.

Obviously I am not sure if I want to be / react in the reactive way I am but I am learning. Progress, perfection can wait. The egg timer is a good idea, again.

Wishing you a nice, happy sober day/evening. 🙂

xx, Feeling

15 thoughts on “The land of no self-hate – Episode 11

  1. I related to so much of this – the feelings, the worry, the amount of time taken by both those things. ….. I love that you put yourself out there on the outings app. Dumb luck the first bite would be someone who wants cheap motel sex. Maybe the second connection will go better. … I also love that you reached out in the midst of the messiness with hug-buddy. You could have stayed focused on only that for a long time, but instead you tried to connect with others and get yourself moving and doing things you love and are interested in. …. I hope things sort out, Feeling.* You are a phenomenal woman, and if hug-buddy can’t see that and won’t support you back (listening, sharing, caring, etc.), then he is not worth your time & energy. Says your friend, -HM. …. p.s. Could you explain more what the 15-minute timer is for? Does it recenter you away from feelings/worry/anxiety? You wrote ‘to keep me on track,’ but I’m curious what that means for you.

    Liked by 2 people

    • 🙂 The timer is to remind me that I accept what is. Whenever I need to learn something which is hard to change I set a timer to remind me of what I need to change. 🙂 It is funny and might be considered a bit childish but I found this a very good tool. Most of the things we think/do/feel are so automatic that it is difficult to change. This timer reminds me to pay attention to what I want to change. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Congratulations first on your sobriety!!!
    Second, I think it is a wonderful idea on setting the alarm every 15 minutes.
    Fear is so hard. I wouldn’t word my issue as fear as much I would anxiety that seems to have a mind of it’s own. I wish I could reel it in and make it shut up.
    You seem a lot like me in that you write and as you do you can reflect and learn even more about yourself and have revelations on your next steps.
    On lying. I just don’t get that part. Maybe it is a control thing. Wanting to control something. It would seem their is no purpose to it but to that person their must be but who knows what especially when you wouldn’t care either way whether this person as the extra job or not!
    It’s interesting to hear that where you life this overworking is not the norm where people here have to work overtime or have second jobs just to pay the bills and the property taxes.
    For our family our health has taken a LOT of money. Over 100,000 over the last 15 years and that is WITH health insurance.
    Fortunately after 20 years at that job my husband has retired and started over at a new job and the insurance is much better. I feel for him. I wish he did not have to do so much. Working, running errands for us, going to the gym, doing yard work. Seems he never has down time and maybe that’s why he enjoys our outings where I take photos.
    I hope you have a nice day. I enjoyed reading your blog

    Liked by 1 person

    • A living wage is adamant in The Netherlands. Unfortunately we have moved away from single payer health insurance so now we get less service for more money while people out there get rich over a lot of trouble for anybody with an illness. It is criminal. Like in the USA. Anybody reading this: In my not so humble opinion: next time vote Sanders :-). Or at least follow him on Facebook to hear what he has to say. I think he would do wonders for the people of the USA. Not just making the 2% richer over the backs of the employees, world and personal safety, health, integrity of the police, women’s rights and last but not least the environment like Trump does. 😦

      I need to look up the difference between fear and anxiety – I think I might translate them incorrectly. :-/ Let’s see.

      Thanks for your comments, I always enjoy when you drop by. 🙂
      xx, Feeling


      • No you translated them fine. It is just something I read a lot about. Fear and how it paralyzed people from moving forward when I just have anxiety with no real reason. It is just there. Adrenaline or fight or flight which is the PTSD part. Some fears or worries I do have are past experiences that I don’t want repeated though. So those are there.
        I loved Sanders. I had hoped he would make it through to the primaries. But alas he did not.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Congratulations on your sobriety, and listen to or read Hillary’s book, What Happened, and you will know what we all (the entire world) lost. Just my opinion : )


    • Things have gone down the hill from that moment. I tried to connect and found that I can not. The idiocy of a relation which is not allowed to be a relation is obviously in the way. And I am sick of not being allowed to experience a full relation with him / a person whom I like. Things were never meant to be like this there are no real logical ‘solutions’. It is more an experience where a toy is broken. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be thinking and feeling about people like that.
      Wishing you well in your marriage. Sending hugs, loooong hugs, I guess I start to cry in those :-D. Ok, long, non sobbing hugs :-).
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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