The land of no self-hate – Episode 11

Last weeks have been dark and then some insight popped up. Right now I would word that as: ‘The darkness is liveable, it is the running away which causes the pain.” I eh, hahahaha…. hmmm…. see some connections with life and excessive drinking here….

Writing this and finding out that I took a 48 year D-tour to find out that ‘We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” or in Dutch:

Een mens lijdt dikwijls ‘t meest,
door ‘t lijden dat hij vreest.
Doch dat nooit op komt dagen.
Zo heeft hij meer te dragen,
dan God te dragen geeft.

Which roughly translates into: Often people suffer from fear of situations which will never occur anyway. That is how people suffer more than God/The Universe has given them to bear.

Currently I am trying to sustain this insight which means practising being in the now and accepting what is. I am practising this with my mind but it seems my system is wired to be continuously stressed out. Guess that did not surprise you. It does surprise me however. The more I find out about myself the more I understand why I once thought drinking was a good ‘solution’. This continuous state of stress is pretty nasty. I can truly not remember the last time I was relaxed for say, half a day. It must have been some holiday in the ’90.

Today is my 3 year, 11 month sober monthyversary. I have discovered much in this time. I chose this my blog name because I realised I used alcohol to not feel. So in order to get sober I thought I might as well dive into my feelings. Hahahaa….. sigh. Gheghegheghe…. sigh…. Don’t wish too hard, it might come true πŸ˜‰

I can tell you now: people (i?) have many layers. And layers can be approached from different angles at different times while I am in different ‘states’ of being. What I am trying to learn now is no different from ‘being in the moment’, from ‘breathe, relax and drink water’ from practising ‘what are your hopes, your fears and your expectations’, from ‘taking Life at Life’s terms’. πŸ™‚ Nothing different from ‘feeling my way back into life’. Not different from ‘trying to not judge’. And you know, sometimes all of these insights come together at one point and then it all falls apart again for me to rebuild and leave out what does not work. I guess for some it might seem I am going in cirlces. I guess for some parts I am but I am not ready to find any help and also I feel that I really really need to find out what I am like, inside, without interference. Well, in other words again: not ready for help.

So, many layers, different moments, situations, attitudes all to be explored and currently active is my attempt to accept the darkest darkness which I know up to now. Not running for it. Not fighting it. Not blaming myself for it – just having a look at it without judgement. Experiencing how I want to run away from what is happening inside, how I grab my new phone to start playing a game, how I read a book to forget what is bothering me, how I eat, watch Netflix – so much running. Constantly informing myself ‘this is me’, ‘this is me too’, ‘this is ok’, ‘it is ok to feel this’, ‘no need to run, you have lived through this before’, ‘this is me too’.

I have set my phone timer every 15 minutes to remind me to check if I am still on track. Time and time again I am amazed at how much energy goes into fear and worrying. Having said that…. I have several letters laying about here which need to be opened. I suspect invoices.

Other subject; the hug-buddy dropped by yesterday, informing me that he has lied about 2 things. He still works his second job and does not play sports when in the evening hours.Β  He lied deliberately because he saw me lifting an eyebrow when he mentioned the 2nd job. Next to his way too tiring 45 to sometimes 50 hours a week job he has added another 2-3 hours a day of food delivery to his watch. I know this is pretty normal in the USA where a lot of people with a 40 hour job in services can not even make a living wages. But it is not normal in The Netherlands. I know how tired he is daily and his health is failing but he keeps on adding responsibilities to his life which wear him out. Also, the tax system in the Netherlands is progressive, so with way more work he is only going to gain a little more but he is not aware of that. I informed him of that earlier. And together that was enough to make him lie. He said he had quit the job. I was happy about that and thought nothing more of it. When, in the evening we connect online and I enquire after his day he lies and says he has been sporting with his roomies.

Why? We are not even in a relation where I have the power to demand anything of him. Also, he seemingly does not have the idea he can speak to me, even about the small stuff. What about the big stuff? What if he had, say a VD? Or, well, why lie all together? I just wonder what somebody’s interior is made off if they feel they can not speak to me about this. He speaks about every big and tiny shame he has about sex, it is sort of unload of shame whenever we meet. Me being witness to his pain helps him process stuff and it helps me process mine. So why oh why lie about something so, so tiny?

The hug-buddy has financial issues because he has financial obligations to his estranged wife, his kid and the family in his homeland. It is very strange to, with my Dutch / Western culture, run into this family blackmail system they are all involved in. And the hug-budy gives way, and gives way, and gives way to all the blackmail in his family because ‘first born and only son’ – all these things which have totally lost their meaning in our society and are therefore difficult for me to understand. Worse: they make me angry because I see it as a prison they all create for each other. But that is not my business and when he enquires after this I speak from that place in space where I know it is not my business and where I am aware of the cultural differences and my lack of family ties on top of that.

I was thinking I dealt with that ok-ish but now I am confused. The ‘shame one another into the group’ culture seems to have gotten into his spine. I guess it is naive to think some years of appreciating the (relative) freedom of the West would magically change his make-up. This recent issue makes it look like dodging issues which ‘women’ present is his favorite way of not dealing with stuff and not being present to the woman in front of him. While trying to speak with him about why he lied he kept on interrupting me, did not listen, kept on inserting the words ‘women are like that’ inΒ  and in the ‘conversation’ and in the end did not find anything I said of any importance and left.

I seem to be not a person, I am ‘one of the women’ and because of that whatever I say is not really important. My final conclusion is that he lied because he thought I would make a scene and chuck him out (wot?!) if he did not quit his extra job. Looking at it from a very dark point I would say he just wanted to keep his proverbial foot in the proverbial door.

Oh F! I’m angry. And as a logical decision I shut my emotional doors and threw him out of the tiny corner in my heart. I am getting way too well exercised in chucking people out of my heart. And then again… why be around people who are not willing to communicate and see me as a person worth speaking with. Not speaking to, speaking with.

And haha, the day before this happened I signed up at a dating site for outings in the city.Β  It is not a datingsite per se, it is more for outings, however some people do mention how they are tall, skinny and blond so I guess they are looking to date-date. I would like to visit some exhibitions, theater, musea and movies with others, male or female. While writing here I am making an appointment with another guy just because I am angry. Geez how childish is that. 5 Minutes later the other guy wants to meet along the highway – with airco. Nope. Not happening ‘along the highway’ = motel. I proposed a forest. And hahah, I can’t even say: “My way or the high way!” Ghegheghe….

Need to get out of this mode. This is not how I want to deal with people or myself. The my way or the high way joke says it all. I do not want to meet another person who diminishes me to boobs and ass only.

I just chatted with the hug-buddy on how I felt about what he did. He replied with patting himself on the shoulder for not lying anymore but telling me. Hmmm… that is not what I had hoped for. What about ‘Sorry’? Sorry has not shown up in this conversation yet. :-/ Why chat? Because I am so angry that I can not even be near him and he contacted me. Sigh.

My phone alarm goes off very 15 minutes telling me ‘this is me too’.Β  Every 15 minutes I am acutely aware of my emotions and hahaha, they are quite powerful. I do not think it is a good idea to be thrown around by emotions which is why I have to get to know them. Light and dark. Fuckerthefuckerthefuckfuckfuck.

Haaaa… that’s better.

thetruthwillsetyoufree

Ok! I am HAPPY THAT I QUIT!!! I guess this is it. This is me. This is how I walk this earth. I do not have to run from everything because frankly; running has become too tiring. Running internally for what I do not want to accept actually makes me fearful and depressed. I am here where I prefer the real shit instead of the running way, self invented school sick depression shit. And no, I do not say that I think this is true for other depressed people. At this moment, from where I stand now and how I look upon the things unfolding this is true for me. It is actually pretty relaxing to realise ‘this is me’. It is not ‘that I am’ – which is a term from the spiritual teachings world but I am currently looking at the system of e-motions – the things which set me in motion. I have some unpacking, cleaning up and settling down to do. πŸ™‚

Coming to the end of this post I realise this acceptance is part of learning to love myself, of self acceptance so I changed the blog header to the self-love series. Being witness to what is inside of me, being witness to my emotional body.

Obviously I am not sure if I want to be / react in the reactive way I am but I am learning. Progress, perfection can wait. The egg timer is a good idea, again.

Wishing you a nice, happy sober day/evening. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

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Feeling comfortable to be me

My last post was about darkness, I have been introduced to light and am liking it! A lot has happened since. This starts of dark but hang in there. πŸ™‚

A while ago I was totally submerged in the horror of reliving the death of my twin brother in many aspects of the daily life. And when I finally decided not to go into that subject again because ‘no use – only painful’ I met a guy in the train who, within 5 minutes started talking about vanishing twins, dead sister, dead mother. Yup. Sigh. I really, really can’t believe my own life so now and then, but it happened.

He was connected to a Facebook group and I signed up too. The ladies who run the group call themselves ‘lightworkers’ and are into all kinds of spiritual corners which I have never visited. Subjects include Reiki, Tarot, chakras, healing with stones and all kinds of energy transfer. And even though I myself practise these or am knowledgable in some of these areas I usually do not interact with other because too much carnival and ‘Twin soul? Had one, he died, now move along.’

I was in the group for several weeks when the leading lady signed me up for a healing. They do these with several women. One sends in a recent photo and the three ladies concentrate on you and work out what is energetically awry and try to heal that. Her signing me up was a little forceful but I am happy I (reluctantly) complied. At the said time I was in front of my computer trying to see if I could notice anything going on. The lady I had chatted with was alone. Well, imagination or not, I did feel stuff. I felt somebody zooming in on me energetically, then stepping back in a sort of fright and then frantically starting to take away all the boundaries I have around me. Ha! Get to know me…: “Don’t think you can take away my boundaries like that! I’ll fight to keep my protection, even if it kills me!” πŸ˜‰ Which I then realised was pretty counterproductive. Things were already set in motion and I experiences a breakdown of this layer of dirt and old memories I carry around. I wrote about this in one of my early posts where I see myself as a caddis; an underwater larvae which builds a little house for himself by glueing pieces of dirt together. I do that with bad experiences and painful memories. Well, I felt she was breaking that down. I resisted out of reflex and in this fight for power turned nauseous and started throwing up. One of those days; crying so badly my eyes bulge out, not able to breathe through my nose due to total blockage, shaking all over and hanging over the toilet for a good 10 minutes. After which….. I felt really relaxed and at peace with the world….. something with darkness before the light. πŸ™‚

We chatted on Facebook about what had happened. Days later I got a new invite for a new healing with three ladies. The first one replied to my photo with comments about being angry – I have this resting bitch face and ha, I have anger. So yeah in reply to a “Let go, let go.” I can only say: “I was born this way. I am sorry. If I had any skills or way to not be angry, I would.” Which obviously I did not tell her. πŸ™‚

The second lady spoke about my defences being high, heart ache and soul loss, being totally disconnected from the world. And, the theme for me being ‘detachment’. Gosh ;-).Detachment is good for the spirit, it is the path to enlightenment so they say and it is very lonely and very hard because the intention I am born with is to either attach, cling even or, in other moments; totally disconnect in a not always healthy way. She mentioned that. She mentioned me having issues with ‘being’ with taking the right to exist. I read that and all of the darkness and despair I had been trying to contain flooded over me and 2 women asked me what happened because they felt utter misery.

Again the layers around me started shaking and I could feel the pieces of dirt the cadis collected fall apart and I was ok with that. I cried, I puked, I shook and then I bathed in light and universal love like I was in heaven. πŸ™‚ “No sense of belonging in this world.” Yup, that would be me. And then I found it. πŸ™‚

Together they lifted the darkness and I could see that it was not all me. I could see that I attach myself to it but that I do not have to. That I can learn not to attach to misery and darkness. Sort of uncomfortable in saying that a big part of it is like addiction and can be unlearned. It was very nice to be without the weight of the darkness. I am not sure when was the last time I was like that. Possibly in an Ayahuasca session. So… good stuff πŸ˜‰

During this session I found my energetic place in my heart where I dare to exist. Where I take my place in life and am ok with that, ok with me. Like they kept on saying: you have the right to be here, you are allowed to be here, you are allowed to be alive. Things look so much different from there, well, here. No whining, just doing, no condemning of me, peace. So much more energy!!!! πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀ And like I did with alcohol: when dark thoughts come up I try to see where they connect to me and cut them loose. Not sure how to explain that: it is like I am a cylinder and there are all kinds of energetic things connected to me, some like wires, some like spider webs, some like dark clouds, some are close, others are far away, some are clear and others are hidden, hiding even, or i.o.w. I don’t want to be aware of them. And then I visualise cutting threads, removing spiderwebs, dissolving clouds and experiencing and cutting away all the perceived advantage I thought I had from them and then staying in the moment where I live without these energy things. Breathing. πŸ™‚ I am whole.

I am thinking this experience of attachment to darkness and how not to attach is important. Knowing me I will forget because life comes along and basically I am lazy and do not want to do this extra step I need to take. Ooh God,Β  give me the strength to take care of me. To do what I know I need to do; headbutt that next bear on the path and continue fearlessly. Because I can. It is my stressed out being, my being stressed out, my spiritual misshapenness, laziness which keeps me tired and whining and whining and tired and it withholds me. A big part of me prefers to feel sorry over doing what I need to do. My bottom dog. I fear growing, I fear the stepping into nothingness but clinging to the past, to darkness left me in the dark nothingness.Β  I do not dare to love because ‘love’ meant sexual abuse in our family but I do not have to walk that same path. But I do not have to look back, I do not live in the past. I live now. Ha! Which now I come to realise are the exact words of my hugbuddy. πŸ™‚

I feel comfortable being me now. I realise that this might take some training. Hmmm, pfff, don’t feel like that. I will take the being comfortable RIGHT NOW! πŸ™‚ No more stalling! Much better decision. πŸ™‚ ❀ ❀ ❀

Different subject but related: days before this all happened I had an experience which I find worthy of noting down; a friend of mine is throwing a wedding party, several years after the date and all our mutual friends had received an invite – except I. I was upset. I had not seen that coming. For days I struggled with the idea that my life was such a dark mess that I started to loose friends. I actually internally agreed that there were little benefits to quitting drinking if I did not work on the underlying causes. And because I (find that I) do not (do this enough) I still find myself in this dark mess. I agreed that there was no use in living anymore because I did not have the energy to fight another fight. And then I realised that I had based all of this on assumption. I had no clue as to why this friend would disinvite me (is that a word?). I made several up and then got in such a painful situation that I could not do anything but cut myself lose totally from all connection.

That was another one of those Feeling things: Not sure what parts of me did so, guessing a big part of it was ego; I got so suppressed, caught, locked up in the darkness that I could not deal anymore and I internally twisted, spun and broke all energetic connection to the world. It was a reflex. First thing I thought: “I have done this before.” I have done this when I was born, I have done this with some relationships, I have done this with memories I wanted to forget, I have also done this with alcohol. I was born in a funny way; like my brother I was going to come out face upward and had been stuck in the start of the birth canal for several days and during labor, and then I worked myself loose (impossible so they say) and twisted around (impossible so they say) to be projectile born into this world in 3 pushes. Screaming mad with raw survival aggression.

Ok, long story longer: I could have contacted my friend, I did not, I was feeling too low. I realised that it is initially painful but educative to learn that my friendship with her seemed more important than her friendship to me. Which is ok, things happen. A week later we see each other and I was totally ok in my disconnected world, being able to genuinely love again. And she asked me if I had received her card because they had tried a different mail service and several people had not. πŸ˜‰

Different subject: I have been uncluttering my house since the first of February. I throw out (bring to the give away store) as many items as there are days in the month. Today is the 21st so I should take out 21 things. I list them all and share them in a Facebook group. It feels great. And strangely enough I can actually let go of stuff I had been hanging on for years.

I upped my Iodine intake and feel loads better. Funny enough in homeopathy Iodine is related to letting go of old trauma. Hey! πŸ˜‰

It sort of sounds like I am learning to let go. πŸ™‚ Tadaaa!

Concerning the project I have sent to the business contest: they mentioned they had not received it. I continued working on it and noticed that I need more inner rest to be able to deal with all the issues coming up. Part of the project is an online community and I realised that I get engaged into right-fighting online too easily. Tried to change that. Did not work. Maybe in the future.

The social service people just called and they want to meet me to discuss my unemployment. At one point I applied for benefits but I did not continue because feeling bad and dark and I could not deal with the pressure of having to apply for a job while not knowing where to go with my life. Also, I could attempt to apply but it would force processes and I would be lying to the employer, to the benefit people and to me. That feels like putting back layers on the onion I am trying to peel off. It did not feel good and I had no energy to set it right inside. Next week they want me to come by. I told him I was in no state to apply for jobs and hence would wave my rights. He said: “We are here to help.” I guess I could use some help. As long as it is without attachments. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜‰

Pffff, all that darkness. Don’t want to go there anymore. The sun has been shining for about 7 days now! Yay!!!

I have been painting. Now I don’t know what to do with my life I might as well do the things which I have always wanted. A part of the Roy Lichtenstein collection is in Amsterdam right now and some friends and I went. We are arrogant enough to claim that “we can do that too”.Β  Bwaahahahaa….. been trying since. And that might very well be true, after you put hours and hours and hours in it to learning how to. πŸ™‚ REALLY. I am really handy, I can do crafts, I can do a whole lot of hand-skill creative stuff way better than most people, but painting is partially a skill and partially an art. I am DELIGHTED with doing this in my livingroom and not getting anywhere with it. This is sooo freeing. I checked out some YouTube vids and started. No need to be able to do stuff because I realise I can not. Ha! Friend of mine does not believe me, we will be painting next week for a full day. Hihihihihihi…. She so did not believe me that she is planning on buying actual canvasses to try. Looking forward to this.

Not Lichtenstein, but very appropriate however insensitive it might seem. πŸ™‚

youcanstopcrying

I am happy that I quit. Not sure why. Saw a photo of me and it actually looks like I am still drinking like crazy. Wonder if that is because of the sugar (yes, fell of the sugar wagon, again…). Although directly after the 2nd healing I felt no need for it, there was nothing it could add. Maybe I should practice that feeling of wholeness till I get to the part where I feel that again.

Now I’m moving away from the screen and go do stuff. πŸ™‚

Wishing you a wonderful hopefully sober time. ❀

xx, Feeling