Reminder: healing trauma summit

Hi,

Just want to remind you the healing trauma summit has started.

More info and a link here.

I am grateful that I quit drinking. Life is pretty dark lately but I found since I’m in a bad place I might as well do difficult things so I do not have to do those when I’m feeling good. So… on day 22 or 23 without chocolate. And on day 4 without refined sugar or man made substitutes of that like aspartame. I exclude soft drinks and cookies and the likes but not stuff where sugar is not the ‘main ingredient’ like a sauce. I am making good choices there though. Obviously I started transferring my chocolate addiction to sweets after I quit chocolate. It was tough, not so much to control the urges, that is ok, If motivation does not come from myself it comes from doing Ramadan-light (no there is no such thing, just a made-up word) and thinking: if the hug-buddy can do full Ramadan (no drink, food, sex during daytime which runs from 4:30 I believe to 21:45 something) – I can do no chocolate at all. 🙂

The tough part is that I had a few, as I call it psychotic experiences; e.g. while biking through town I saw people’s faces and bodies change to skeletons and also the colour of everything changed in flashes. It are ‘flashes’, at most half a second but pretty disturbing. I realised that if I were to lose myself into it I will go nuts. So breathe, relax and drink water. What worried me is that I actually felt so down at some days that I wanted to lose myself in the flashes, take them seriously and freak out. Breathe, relax and drink water. I think to know that this is ‘just’ another way of my system to look for a way out of this reality. I am pretty convinced the reality of what I see in those flashes is a reality, just not  the one I think is a healthy place for me to be. I’m thinking realities are like a drawing on a computer: when done well a drawing exists of layers covering each other; first a some basic shapes, then a grid to fill it in, then a colour layer, a structure layer, a shade layer and then some details.  As humans we only a one or two layers, cat’s e.g. see the world totally different because they have other eyes. Sometimes, in my case under severe stress, something in the brain wires wrong and it pushes on the wrong layer tab. Very uncomfortable. Breathe, relax and drink water. It is funny how all my life I have had knowledge of that ‘tab’ but I have stayed clear off it like I stay clear of the door to lala-land. Ok. Question: does anybody else have flashes of crazy?

Guess I am coming closer to what is ‘ailing’ me and something inside wants to protect me from meeting that. Fixed it the only way I could by overeating sweets. 😦 But hey, tally ho! Onwards I go. 🙂 Maybe I should be feeding (talking to) my demons by now. Might be more constructive than fighting flashes of psychotic experiences with watermelon and dates.

So substituting big time. Obviously. I can not do the cold turkey no sugar anymore. I can not do anything cold turkey anymore. I can do baby steps 🙂 So I do baby steps: no chocolate, and when the cravings for that have settled and the no chocolate headache is gone (9 days!!!) I continued to wonder about the next step. Next step done. I only eat natural sugars now and you can imagine that I stocked up on fruit and dates. 🙂

Here a recipe for a lovely desert, most likely this is for 2 persons, but I ate it on my own. Still losing weight though. Well, truth be said it feels like a TREMENDOUSLY BIG meal. 🙂 Quantities of eating is the next thing that is on my list. But baby steps, baby steps. One of the baby steps I am doing right now is getting back to eating home cooked meals twice a day. I’ve thrown away all the ‘thou shallst do this and that’ – only 2 home cooked meals and I am noticing they are getting more healthy during this process anyway. Baby steps Well, apart from this one. Although one could argue that it contains fruit and chia seeds.

BIG MEAL PRESENTED AS DESERT

Cut 2 dates into tiny slivers and put into a small bowl, cover with boiling water and what is that word: squash with a spoon until you have some ‘dilution’. Then add 4-5 tablespoons of coconut milk to an equal amount of chia seeds. The original recipe I had at the Vietnamese restaurant had vanilla in the chai but that comes with refined sugar so I left that out. Leave to swell over 5 minutes at least, add water in tiny tiny bits if you feel the seeds could still expand. The seeds must swell up like crazy and coat themselves in a gel like substance.

Heat up a frying pan and add a little coconut oil or butter to lightly cover the surface. Cut 2 bananas in halves and cut those in halves length wise so there is a flat surface to them. Put those in the pan, flat side under and fry (bake?) on low heat, cover with a lid.

In another small frying pan put a teaspoon of coconut oil, heat, add a handful 20-25 brown almonds and toss about cheffy so the almonds are coated. Now put back on a low heat till they ‘pop’ and spread a beautiful aroma. In between cut tiny slivers of fresh ginger to taste and add to the nuts. You can use powdered ginger but realise these powdered herbs always need to be heated for 5 minutes through and through so in this pan without moist they would burn.

This would be the time to check on your banana’s, the flat side should be brown, if not, take the lid off, crank up the heat and keep an eye on it. They go from pale to dark quickly due to high sugar content. Then use a spatula or 2 forks to turn them around bake till you are ok with the colour.

In between cut some peel of an ecological. (!!!) citrus fruit (without the white) in tiny slivers and add to the nuts, stir around a few times and add the 1 cup of cooked and cold rice. Mix and heat up, it is ok for the rice to become a little brownish here and there. Place nicely on a plate and enjoy.

If this is not enough one could tart it up with coating the bananas in coconut flower before baking. Then add some more oil to the pan. Maybe slow-fry pieces of pineapple the same way. Or lightly toast coconut flakes or almond flakes and decorate the fried bananas. Or possibly add ice cream but then again: that mainly contains refined sugar. Possibly tiny slivers of mint might be good. Well, hope you enjoy. 🙂

Currently still unemployed, not looking for a job, receiving sick leave money from the government, based on my ‘profile’ I have been put at the bottom of the list for treatment. Not sure what that means, but it does mean that I am not getting any treatment obviously. Not sure what that means. Also: I am not up to anything anyhow.

I am grateful in a sort of depressed way about quitting alcohol and sugar. I have no ‘will power’ left to put into these next steps to healing so I need to do the way I can: through knowledge and baby steps. The goal is to unaddict, ‘get my body back’ and also to not have the mind fog anymore. To get back on that road of becoming clear which I set off onto when I quit drinking. If not for me, then to minimise the damage I do to others in not being clear and having and addictive personality.

Wishing you a nice sober day.

xx, Feeling