The land of no self-hate – Episode 9

Today I continued reading the book and re-read the part which upset me earlier. I found that I was ‘on track’ with feeling into the matter and ‘becoming one with the message’ when the book said something about ‘I could not make a decision if I wanted A or B.’ and that is where I stepped of the track. Not sure how other people experience book reading but I like to, as I said, become one with the message; breathe in the meaning, the feeling of the text. And then when there is something that blocks inside I can feel it in my body, it is like the cloud of energy which is normally a stream, then suddenly does not want to pass through my stomach, or into my right leg. Or my throat gets all tense. That’s when I know something is up and I have to slow down and pay attention. How DO other people do that?

This one I missed because ‘I was in the right’; not being able to make a decision is stupid. Yup, sorry to the world. It is so again, funny in a not funny way, how we (i) think that having opinions on something is important, of essential to living, while actually it keeps me away from exploring and perceiving what actually is out there.

It is like quitting drinking. I was all anxious about ‘will I miss it?’ and ‘I am going to fail sooooooo badly’ that I could not continue. Then I realised that when I think I will fail, I will automatically diminish all the options in which I do not. I will not believe those. My energy will be focussed on fearing that I will fail so I will be watching out extra for signs that prove I will fail. And while doing so I am already one foot into the trap of alcohol because I am not focussing on being happy that I quit, I am focussing on that failing. And as you know with driving a car through a narrow street: don’t look at the parked cars or you will steer into them, look at the road and the open space. Or:

energy flows

I am not one of those positivity persons (ooh, gosh, you noticed?!) but yes, it can be wise to pay attention to what you fear, expect and hope. Those 3 are fundamental and sometimes detrimental in how things play out.

Ooh, the hug-buddy has decided he misses me so badly and he physically deteriorates so quickly that he needs to be hugged. By me that is. My inner floozy said yes. To tea. Not sure about the hugging and not at all sure about the sexy hugging. This is new territory for me and I find that I am not dealing well. I feel this is a new addiction. Maybe I should get a book…. πŸ˜€

Ooh, on that topic: yesterday I deleted a sentence in my writing which I did not want to have true. Yup. Sorry :-(. I was upset and my reaction was to think that I should read something about a specific topic, something on addiction of the society by A. Schaef. Most interesting. I had a title in mind and went looking for it on Amazon, and then on Dutch shops. But I deleted the literal sentence ‘I need to buy a book’ from my post. Low and behold: here comes Wendy and she comments: “I need to buy a book.”. The truth is out there and it will smack you in the face, shit on your porch or be way nicer and drop by with the Wendy express service. πŸ™‚ <3. I deleted the sentence because lately I literally go buy books when I am upset. Splitting up with the hug-buddy cost me 53 Euro on books. I do have the money but it is not a good idea to spend that kind of money if I do not know where next months’ money will be coming from. I did not want to have that true. I deleted the sentence and told myself that it ‘would confuse you to have so many subjects in one post’. Same shit, different day. THANK GOD it is books and not booze.

Ok, where did I trail off? Aah, yeah, opinions blocking experiences. So I found that I ridiculed the indecisiveness of the woman in the book and that put me on the trail of hate and self-hate. I am not able to be indecisive. In my mind indecisiveness is for sissies who will not survive this life. “Make up your mind! I haven’t got all day! If you don’t make up your mind right now you are not getting anything at all! And no! No whining! Ok! You don’t want anything?! Then we go. Nope, you did not decide from which I conclude that you do not want anything.” WHOAH! And the connection to survival is amazing too ‘they will not survive this life’. Well, we all leave here in a coffin. Guessing this is strongly related to the biblical story of the 6 stupid maiden and the 6 wise maiden. Guess it is called differently, and maybe they were 12 and 12. πŸ™‚ Our noses were rubbed in this story, combined with ‘guilty ignorance’. “There is no such thing as ‘I did not know!’ YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!!” And that people, is how you make kids who struggle with perfection. :-/

All this darkness stored in one body. I don’t want that anymore. Everything I do not uncover, bring into the light, will live in the darkness in me and it will fester and I will spread it unconsciously. That is how projecting, transference works. 😦

I picked up the ‘There is nothing wrong with you.’ book again and got to read another 1,5 page untill I got stuck in me again. Not sure what that was about. I was fed up with getting stuck so I Netflixed it all away.

I am grateful that I have given myself the opportunity to see life from a not drinking standpoint. Lately I am confronted with so much of my addictive behaviour like chocolating, Netflixing and self-hating behaviour that I do not feel ‘sober’. I have a problem with calling myself sober. Feels like I am lying. This one is difficult to bear because the addict within pops up saying: “Well, if you do not call yourself sober, you might as well drink.” I have a persistent, astute, sharp-eyed addict within who is too smart for my own good. But then again, if he were any less cunning and in my face, I would have underestimated him. Hmm… funny, creating my own matching demon and then wrestling it.Β  Wonder what a psychiatrist would say about that. πŸ˜€

I am however grateful that I quit drinking. And also that the Dutch government gives me the possibility on being at home on sick-leave. I have not heard from them. That is ok for me because I am not ready to get out there again. I have the feeling I need to undo myself of some more onionrings or I will walk into the same shit again.

I wish you a nice sober experience of life.

xx, Feeling

11 thoughts on “The land of no self-hate – Episode 9

    • Ghegheghe ‘I know the anser is probably not in them.’ πŸ™‚ Isn’t that amazing? The things we do. πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ Well, I’m not there yet :-). I know all the answers are inside, but I can not yet sit down and let them bubble up. Books for me are good tools for opening doors inside.
      I don’t feel really sober with half a bar of chocolate for breakfast and then medicating with homeopathic stuff to make the high bloodpressure and heartburn go away. 😦 That does not sound sober. What is your definition?
      xx, Feeling


      • No booze and a willingness to look at myself and try to find compassion.

        Did you work through the steps? Perhaps they hold some answers…they are a very good and logical self evaluation.

        The women’s way through the 12 steps workbook is very good.

        Heartburn sucks. I’ve been taking glutamine in the mornings and my stomach is so much stronger!


        Liked by 2 people

      • Hi Anne, no, I have not been going through the steps. I convinced they hold answers I am curently not finding but as of yet I have not been to an AA meeting that did not want to make me drink. And no, I can not blame that on anybody but myself but for me I need to find a meeting where the alcohol is not idolized first and then ‘bravely fought’. That is a game a lot of people will loose :-(.
        Glutamine? Aaah, never thought about that? I am taking fresh aloe vera (core only, otherwise one will be on the toiled that whole day…) and hoping to quit chocolating. πŸ™‚ Still hoping. πŸ˜‰ Time will come.
        Did you like the ‘womans way through the 12 steps’ better than Recovery 2.0? Or…?
        xx, Feeling


      • Because recovery 2.0 is based on 12 steps I think it’s worth looking at the steps and doing the work.
        I’m not a meeting person, but the ones I go to much more celebrate the escape from insanity. There’s a few who clear,y wish they could drink…but they are usually cranky old me.
        To be happy you need to believe your choices are the right ones. Because second guessing is a recipe for discontent.
        Plus, the secret to aa is to not listen to what others say, but why they say it.
        Most of us were lonely and isolated and drank to self medicate or boost our ego.
        Sobriety brought peace.

        The rest is just words.

        Liked by 2 people

  1. Hi Feeling!
    Too bad we didn’t live in the same country, I could send you all the books, I read!
    I have been mostly into murder mysteries, however, as I think I have read all the self-help books in the world! LOL
    You really are a good person, and you have a good heart. I wish you could see yourself as I see you!
    I can’t say I love myself, but I can say I like myself most of the time.
    I can live with that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Murder mysteries! Yay!!! I used to read ‘Mrs Pollifax’ and the woman who writes about the monk who solves murders. I looooove to see anything Sherlock Holmes, also the American Netflix series called ‘Elementary’ – starts of a bit hmmm, but gets better and better. So you watch series too? And obviously anything Norwegian, Danish, Swedish or Finnish about murder is excellent. But one needs to be in the mood for that.
      I am happy for you that you like yoursels most of the time. That is a good score. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I buy books too feeling, and netflix and sugar and coffee!!!! I know what you mean about feeling like you are not ‘sober’ but you are. You are just learning slowly to live without these distractions….These things…books/coffee/netflix and sugar aren’t mind altering and isn’t nearly as destrauctive as booze. I think recovery is a loooooong process. xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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