Rockbottom 2 – the realisation that I NEED to change and deal

The alcohol rock bottom was a tough one. I’m thinking now that quitting drinking freed up time to confront me with my basic issues I have. Currently these are:

  • sadness
  • negativity, lacking gratefulness
  • lacking direction, goals
  • lacking focus, concentration, mindfulness
  • serious memory issues
  • administrative and financial troubles
  • high blood pressure, food and weight issues

I experience myself as being energetically unaligned, not centered and it is getting not only irritating but also eating in on my Life’s energy. If I do not change I will not be able to sustain my life a lot longer. Not so much because I will starve but if I do not get direction I WILL turn depressed as I used to be when drinking and I WILL lose my wish to live. Since several months I have not been really happy or even glad anymore. I do not sleep well, I do not dream a lot, I am stagnating.

Thing is, I don’t know how to do things differently. I am immensely confused by the way this world developes with its Trumps, global warming, environmental issues, health issues due to sickening food habits, sickening health care. And I am very scared of all of that. I go into freeze state whenever I open Facebook or read the news. So I decided to not FB a lot anymore because there is nothing I can do to change it, apart from repost, share and like.

I also realise, and even more so when Trump was elected: if we want to change the world we NEED to change ourselves. I must not keep hanging on to the replacement addictions but to really get clear, which is my Life’s goal. I need to keep that in mind.

So I have set my clock to snooze every 9 minutes to remind me of the following:

  • ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’
  • Breathe, relax, drink water
  • Act, do, read
  • Baby steps, progress, not perfection

These things are on a paper stuck to the timer. It is very confronting to see how often I am not doing what I set out to do. Even within 9 minutes I can change directions 10 times. I want that to change. This butterfly method might be cute when you are a butterfly, the tax office is not interested in cute. Neither is the landlord. The ‘read’ is there as a reminder that I can read instead of FB or Netflix.

Tax check on 2014 will be in 10 days. I need to prep but it scares me like shit. I don’t want to be scared anymore. I want to be able to deal. I am sick and tired of walking about scared. I mean, so many people have it way worse than I and here I am ‘ooh, scared…. ooh’ and hiding from Life. Not fulfilling whatever destiny there is for me. Or maybe I do so with being scared but I DONT WANT THAT! I wonder if I can treat fear the same way as I did alcohol; just block it when the thought comes up. I believe it has worked for unhappy thoughts for a while. Well, let me start with being distracted and go back to what I was doing.

I have had 2 job interviews and have been turned down for the one which had an opening due to me telling them that I might, at the Friday afternoon, after a busy week, have some trouble counting. That is a nasty lesson. Everybody tells me I need to learn to shut up and possibly even lie. By saying “I don’t want that, I do not want to live in a world where that is necessary.” I think I deny actually looking at the world and the way people work. I get onto my high horse and condemn those who do not follow The Rules as I find them to be honourable.

I am happy that I quit. I realise that I would be in an ENORMOUS hell if I had not. So that is good. It also gives me the opportunity to actually become aware that I need to change some of my behaviour in order to live. All this discomfort I have been feeling for a while now, I need to go through it, change the things I can change :-). Hey…. doesn’t that sound familiar?

Funny thing happened on the train: I was reading The Stateless State from Amrut Laya / Shri Siddharameshwar Maharaj when this women sits next to me and asks me what yogi I am reading. I got the book idea from the bookstore man, more than a year ago. Somewhere it says that people who are ill can go to the doctors but the real healing is in finding back your Life’s path yourself. Which I did with drinking and haha, need to continue to do since I’m not there yet. And ooh yeah, thát works out to be a very Dutch thing; ask people what they are reading, lot of foreigners complain about that in The Netherlands. 🙂

Also, I need to tell you: reading is a big word, I read 3 pages and then had to start again because I had forgotten them. Anyhow, we speak and I mention my ‘complaint’ one the ‘theory’ of ‘one-ness’; “Why for X’s name would oneness be logical? If that is so important, why have we not been designed as one biomass instead of all several people, plants, animals? What is the use of thát? If the design is so good, why do we not agree to the results as being separate beings / experiencing separation?”. At which she says: “Funny that you mention that, I have been reading Shri Aurobindo and he is able to answer that question.” Funny meetings in the train. Synchronicity happening again?

A woman who loves herself would continue to do the egg-timer trick untill she is on her feet again. And she would NOT continuously criticize herself for getting of track because criticizing makes her freeze and compassion makes her able to understand and learn.

Hey! No Facebook for 4 hours! 🙂 GOOD!

I wish you a nice sober day / evening, doing what a men/woman who loves herself would do. ❤

xx, Feeling

10 thoughts on “Rockbottom 2 – the realisation that I NEED to change and deal

  1. Hi Feeling,

    This is going to be a long reply so just hang in there.

    Most of the things you are struggling with seem very familiar to me. So it’s not just you. It sort of like one has to teach oneself to be a fully functional human again. Like you are a baby learning things for the first time.
    I also struggle terribly with lack of concentration and focus and flit around from one thing to the other all the time! (Love the butterfly analogy by the way and yes the tax office wont think it’s cute of your tax affairs aren’t in order)

    What I’m trying to do these days is prioritise – DO OR DIE things that have to be done that day. If those things got done then YAY for me – I’m ‘winning’

    I also want to do SOOO much more but for my own sanity and survival I have to set really small goals. Then when you achieve them it gives you a boost.

    Regarding the sorry state of the world. I am also sad for planet earth and all of the horrible things that are happening. Global warming, the poor people in Aleppo who have hell on earth and of course Donald trump our favourite Cheeto coloured fascist.

    I read a beautiful and uplifting article the other day by Clarissa Pinkola Estés who wrote ‘Women who run with the wolves’

    Please read the article it will give you hope:


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lack of concentration on one task is my problem. Constantly jumping from one thing to another without completing the first. I blame the medication I was put on for depression. I used to be able to read but now have to rely on Audible. But the tax office would not accept that excuse! Imagine how good you will feel when you have completed the task and ticked that box. I hate FB, too much mindless trivia. A relationship with no depth, no soul. I refuse to watch the news, haven’t done for 12 years. Don’t know what is going on but couldn’t care less. But be kind to yourself. You are too hard on yourself. Your honesty is refreshing but perhaps be less honest at interviews in the future!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, indeed everybody is telling me to be less honest. 🙂 That will take practise but I guess when the money is (almost) gone the learning experiences will speed up. 🙂 / 😦
      It must be nasty not to be able to read, eventhough I have to try to place at leas 80 books on a shelf here in the house while I don’t have shelfroom anymore. They have been laying about for ages. So…. I guess there are some disadvantages to reading too. 🙂 I hope your concentration comes back. 🙂
      xx, Feeling


  3. Dearest Feeling,
    You have some wonderful comments from these fine people!
    I used to carry the world on my shoulders, and all I did was make myself miserable. And Donald Trump is very heavy.
    My sponser once said, “Does all of that resentment, and worry make anything better?”
    Of course it didn’t.
    So now, I just act when I can… I can give to food shelves, I can email my congress people, I can help other people in recovery.
    If there is one thing I wish for you, it’s that you can put the world down, and be a peace today.
    Much Love,
    So happy we quit,

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It’s normal to go through these stages in sobriety. You have taught yourself that the drug is the tool to get you through your “feelings and emotions” . Your mind hasn’t dealt with sober dealing and it’s a process. I do promise you once you, slowly, work through these issues one by one it will get easier and easier each road bump or unpleasant situation your faced with. Stay strong and keep writing, it also helps!

    This is, Being Me Sober

    Liked by 1 person

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