Back to maximum care levels

Feeling shit over being fired last week. I have however learned a lot. My feelings are going from extremely low to normal and sometimes high. But mostly they are extremely low. I feel like I am currently at a mental rock-bottom of the same magnitude as the drinking rock-bottom. Well, it shows it is time for change. So I am back to maximum care levels. Currently combining Bach-remedies, sleep, tapping, online alcohol desensitization training, some thinking, Omega 3 linseed oil. NO chocolate, no sugar, it gets me depressed in the long run so NO.

I also watched this video’s, that deals with shame again. I posted it before but do see it, it’s good:

I notice I am having difficulty to let go of shame, guilt and self-destructive thoughts because I feel they are my identity. If I can make a comparison I feel like more than being addicted to alcohol I am addicted to self-destruction. Alcohol was just (?) my favorite (?) tool of doing so. And for those who worry that I might, with some alcoholics logic turn that statement around and start drinking because ‘the other problem is the real problem’ – no I won’t. 🙂 Taking Bach remedies currently, not enjoying making them, disliking the smell in the same way young kids and animals dislike alcohol. Guessing that is good. 🙂

I am happy that I quit, before I watched the above video I found I did not even have the right to make help me feel better. Now I sort of think I do AND that without the formerly succesful statement “If (I think) everybody hates me I might as well do as I like anyhow”. That would be self-destruction turning into destruction of the outside world.

Doing tapping again. What I like about EFT is that the reasons why I would be so destructive one way or the other pop up out of nowhere when doing it. Very informative. It’s like a magician pulling a (seemingly) endless string of handkerchiefs from a pocket. Lots of funny connections, quite a lot of dark connections.

Happy that I quit. It is an adventure, dark at some moments. Somehow I am currently able to see the good side of what I’m going through. 🙂 That’s good. I expect some ups and downs but I guess I am ready now to face them and (try to) deal with them. This is finally what I got sober for: improving my life. 🙂 Let’s see.

I fear: everything. There is a little bit of trust and hope though.

I need: full care of me

I want: all my problems to be over without difficulty. And with the store man’s comment to that in mind (‘Do you really want things to be easy?’) and my shocked realisation that I actually would not know what to do if there was not some kind of problem in my life…. I am now trying to not create problems. Or, when I do create worry like ‘ooooh, don’t want to do admin’ I try to change it around to ‘Yes, admin! No worries, let’s fix that and get it over with.’ Sort of… 😀 Not working yet but you get the picture. Why put energy in dragging me down when it is something I have to do anyway?

I take: everything, self care to the max. And in all this tumult I am trying to add eating only when hungry because that stimulates the process of the food through the body. I’m really enjoying this because I enjoy what I eat much more. Funny. Since food is enjoyable I thought more = more. Not true. That actually sounds very addicty :-). Ghegheghe.

I have a big pot of grass in my living room since the cat won’t go outside anymore to eat her veggies. I kept it alive all through the winter but over the months it has turned to hay and new sprigs are not coming through anymore. The grass outside however is growing. That is because the old grass has had the time to rot away during winter so now the new grass has room and light and nutrients to grow. I’m guessing I should take that with me: let go, so new things can grow. And sorry for the rhyme. 🙂

Hope you have a nice day, 🙂

xx, Feeling