Change something. Well, not you maybe, but I. I need to change stuff. I’ve been in a dark place since I got fired and this morning I think I finally got how it works / I work / it works for me.
When drinking I had the intention to not feel the misery I was in and not be responsible, I denied myself to really be alife. It was like walking into a store and putting all my energy into going to the darkest, dirtiest department of the shop and buying that which is not healthy, makes me unhappy and will bring me down. On top of it the substance was addictive so I no matter how bad, I wanted to do it all over again. Nasty. When I finally saw the truth of what I was doing and realised the badness of the concept, I quit.
Now I am sober I can choose to walk to the other departments. Still, all of this is sometimes difficult because I have trodden the dark path for a long time and the darkness is sort of engrained in my body, mind and soul. This means that I need to take care that I pay attention to what I do, how I feel and what my intentions are.
When I got fired I had these thoughts crossing my mind: ‘Why go to all the trouble of being sober and not feel better?’ And what about; ‘When I’ve done such a big thing, the rest MUST easy and I MUST be happy from then onward?’ It took me a while to realise that this thought, in itself looks like just another, very addicty quick fix to my problems 😀
Frustration finally dropped a few levels with some maximum care levels including nutrients, tapping and speaking with friends.
And of course I felt good about quitting, but that is about the progress I made from below zero to zero. I’ve come to somewhere near zero now and must realise that I’m not ‘done’ but ‘just starting’. Nasty plain truths which got me depressed.
And the answer to the question why I am not doing better even though I think I deserve it does not bring me any solace, but I think it is true: being sober is about being able to feel and experience what’s going on and based on that choose what is good or bad, to be able to respond, to be responsible. All of which I have been avoiding all the drinking years.
And there I was, being depressed, feeling desperate, having the idea I reached a mental rock-bottom. This one did not just disappear after a few days so I had to do something. I started to compare. Last time I went alcohol rock-bottom is because I walked to the dark place and did not want to realise how destructive it is. Maybe…. Maybe the world has dark departments but maybe that is not the point. Maybe, the point is that I walk there. Maybe, this time I ended up at the dark department too because I walked the engrained track. And that is the truth I need to deal with: there is no reward, life just goes on and if I keep on choosing feeling bad about myself I will feel bad about myself. If I keep on not taking responsibility for that I will be thrown all over the place because life just continuous. If I do not choose, life will choose for me.
Big revelation but jikes!!!!!!!!
Realising I am the one walking a bad track to self-destruction land actually beats the idea that the whole world is a bad place. I ‘just’ need to change the self-pity, the shamming, the control issues, the need for perfection and the idea of not fitting in, the self-hatred, the stubbornness, the lack of suppleness in thinking, the self-destruction and the procrastinating that come with it.
The major connector here is: if something happens that I can not control I feel bad and start to walk the path to the self-destruct department. I think I should be going to the happy that I can learn and respect myself and live life on life’s terms department. I will be trying to make it there. 🙂
I am happy that I quit even though life has been difficult these last weeks. But at least now I have the ability to learn my way out of it instead of drink or think myself to an even darker place.
I fear: currently nothing specific. I guess that is what progress does: give hope and build trust. Release happy hormones. The non fear happy feeling tells me that progress is good. 🙂
I want: to learn to understand how to deal with the above list of not useful character traits.
I need: to learn to walk the path of light and get as familiar with it as with the dark path I am used to walk on.
I take: Salts on throat ache, dry mouth, hard lymph nodes, drooping skin and magnesium salt against sugar, beer and chocolate craving. I somehow eat a lot of salt, sometimes even as salt because it feels like my blood pressure has dropped from 120 to about a 110 or lower now. I’ll get it checked next week. I wonder if the salts 1 and 2 which take care of softening tight ligaments, softening attitudes, softening tissues and fears also allow the blood vessels to widen up.
Hope you have a nice weekend. 🙂