Back to maximum care levels

Feeling shit over being fired last week. I have however learned a lot. My feelings are going from extremely low to normal and sometimes high. But mostly they are extremely low. I feel like I am currently at a mental rock-bottom of the same magnitude as the drinking rock-bottom. Well, it shows it is time for change. So I am back to maximum care levels. Currently combining Bach-remedies, sleep, tapping, online alcohol desensitization training, some thinking, Omega 3 linseed oil. NO chocolate, no sugar, it gets me depressed in the long run so NO.

I also watched this video’s, that deals with shame again. I posted it before but do see it, it’s good:

I notice I am having difficulty to let go of shame, guilt and self-destructive thoughts because I feel they are my identity. If I can make a comparison I feel like more than being addicted to alcohol I am addicted to self-destruction. Alcohol was just (?) my favorite (?) tool of doing so. And for those who worry that I might, with some alcoholics logic turn that statement around and start drinking because ‘the other problem is the real problem’ – no I won’t. 🙂 Taking Bach remedies currently, not enjoying making them, disliking the smell in the same way young kids and animals dislike alcohol. Guessing that is good. 🙂

I am happy that I quit, before I watched the above video I found I did not even have the right to make help me feel better. Now I sort of think I do AND that without the formerly succesful statement “If (I think) everybody hates me I might as well do as I like anyhow”. That would be self-destruction turning into destruction of the outside world.

Doing tapping again. What I like about EFT is that the reasons why I would be so destructive one way or the other pop up out of nowhere when doing it. Very informative. It’s like a magician pulling a (seemingly) endless string of handkerchiefs from a pocket. Lots of funny connections, quite a lot of dark connections.

Happy that I quit. It is an adventure, dark at some moments. Somehow I am currently able to see the good side of what I’m going through. 🙂 That’s good. I expect some ups and downs but I guess I am ready now to face them and (try to) deal with them. This is finally what I got sober for: improving my life. 🙂 Let’s see.

I fear: everything. There is a little bit of trust and hope though.

I need: full care of me

I want: all my problems to be over without difficulty. And with the store man’s comment to that in mind (‘Do you really want things to be easy?’) and my shocked realisation that I actually would not know what to do if there was not some kind of problem in my life…. I am now trying to not create problems. Or, when I do create worry like ‘ooooh, don’t want to do admin’ I try to change it around to ‘Yes, admin! No worries, let’s fix that and get it over with.’ Sort of… 😀 Not working yet but you get the picture. Why put energy in dragging me down when it is something I have to do anyway?

I take: everything, self care to the max. And in all this tumult I am trying to add eating only when hungry because that stimulates the process of the food through the body. I’m really enjoying this because I enjoy what I eat much more. Funny. Since food is enjoyable I thought more = more. Not true. That actually sounds very addicty :-). Ghegheghe.

I have a big pot of grass in my living room since the cat won’t go outside anymore to eat her veggies. I kept it alive all through the winter but over the months it has turned to hay and new sprigs are not coming through anymore. The grass outside however is growing. That is because the old grass has had the time to rot away during winter so now the new grass has room and light and nutrients to grow. I’m guessing I should take that with me: let go, so new things can grow. And sorry for the rhyme. 🙂

Hope you have a nice day, 🙂

xx, Feeling


13 thoughts on “Back to maximum care levels

  1. Hey feelings, im sorry about your job 😦 and pardon my opinion here but it sounds like you are beating yourself up a lot; whilst trying to take care of yourself! be good to yourself and forgive yourself everything, every moment is new. much love and rainbows x

    Liked by 1 person

    • 🙂 I am beating myself up and yes I do not need a reason for that. There is no logic in it – apart from it being repetitive behaviour with negative consequences where I again and again somehow think it will get me in line with my standards. Currently realising that hating myself does not seem to work very well. If I had loved myself today I would have already been looking for an other job. Trying to make the switch. 🙂 Currently using the technique that got me sober: try to feel happy (about not drinking / loving me) and see what pops up to block it.
      Thank you for the love and rainbows :-). They are happily received. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hug. Yes. Self destruction. I know what you mean.

    I like the grass analogy. You are opening yourself to new things and sometimes they don’t work out. That’s really hard, but recognize you took a big, brave step to even take the job and although it didn’t work out, it shows you are moving forward.

    Self care. Yes. Definitely!


  3. Dear Feeling,
    I hope you like hugs and love, because I am giving you MORE!
    Self-care and self-compassion go hand in hand.
    It is so much easier to show self-compassion to others than to give to ourselves!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Wendy! It really helps make me feel better. I’ve never been big in the self-compassion (or other-compassion for that matter) and it seems it is time to learn. This should make me happy but actually, it’s pretty difficult. Making improvements thought. Small moments of acceptance are being spotted. 🙂 It’s 45 years of wrong neuro-patterns that need to change at a moment there is no reason to be jubilant about anything. Guess there’s no moment like the current. 🙂
      Thank you Wendy for your support. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for looking out for me. I am feeling better but it is all very instable. Trying to work things out here. I need to change my perception, attitude, I need to learn to have compassion and love myself and this planet but that is not handed to me on a plate unfortunately. :-/


      • I was just checking in. I see you are ok, but down.
        All those things you need are happening. It’s sometimes hard to see our own changes. But they are happening.


        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Anne, yes, I think I’ve figured out how it works. I drank, I was unhappy. So changed. I display behaviour that is not functional, I am unhappy so I need to change. It’s a disillusion but hey, nothing like a little bit of reality to keep us on track right? Life on life’s terms or so? 😀
        Thanks, Feeling.


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