My post is a bit of a mess. Loads of repetitive thoughts. Not pleasurable to read. Trying to get a grip on things. Life is hurting, I’ve come to the learning ‘opportunities’ which hurt and I experience that as very unpleasant. Getting sober seems to have been just a stepping stone to dealing with life. Which in itself is logical, I just do not want it in my life. 😀 I do not think life is about being addicted, I assume it is not about putting all my energy in being sober – it is about living it. Living it :-). Good concept.
Fuck it. I do not want it! Aaaaaahrggg! This is where I am feeling sorry for myself, want other people to save me and if not consider jumping of a building somewhere (don’t worry, I won’t). Extremes, extremes. I am back to preferring extreme thinking and feeling over dealing with the real situation.
The astrologer I met a few weeks ago was over to visit. It works out that I was ‘produced’ (how do you call that?) during a lunar eclipse. Astrology wise that would be the worst time to make kids – it spawns demons according to old tales. Another thing to add to this list of things I gather of why I should not be normal and normally happy and normal whatever. I am assuming now that I collect these things to feel sorry for myself and not go into the learning opportunities that life brings. Playing ‘poor me’.
He’s could also tell me that my life has gone into a cycle like the one of about 30 years back (that would be a year with sexual assault, dropping out of school, running away from home, introduction to alcohol, dropping out of school and moving to another country on my own). My astrology money thingy moved into ‘bad time’ a few days ago – hence the being fired? Another ‘poor me’.
Well, now there is the reason NOT to consult astrologers. 🙂 I called the store man. He said: ‘Don’t worry, astrology is just one of all the factors that make up life.’ 🙂 I am practising to prefer to believe that. Poor me wants to believe the Catastrophe.
Dealing with life. It is up to me to not respond to what is happening and not run away like I did when I was a teenager – run away, become depressed in order to avoid personal growth and having to do stuff I did not dare to look at or deal with. Not looking forward to it because pffff….. I guess when I throw a tantrum I feel like I am in control, don’t have to deal with what is.
Starting to wonder why not actually? Avoiding hurts and makes me feel as miserable as I was when I drank. Ooooh, discomfort here. Don’t want to stay with this feeling and line of thought. Was it Brené Brown on ‘leaning into the discomfort’. Maybe I should get a book. Worked once for sugar, worked for cigarette, worked for cola, worked for booze. And maybe, I should speak with people. Just don’t dare to speak with friends now because I am so emotional that I fear I might blurt out the secret booze and sober story. Which is just another way to lock myself up in another prison I guess. Aaaaaaarhg!!!! Actually, that aaaaaahrg does not sound like aaaaaahrg at this side of the glas fibre, it sounds like a whimper.
Dealing with finances and work now makes me feel like I am powerless. Powerless is not nice. That´s when people drop by to abuse and hurt me.
I feel my life is spinning out of control but also the clarity on what I am doing is getting bigger. It all seems to spin faster and faster and I need to choose if I want to take control or not. Like I had when drinking or quitting. I have the feeling I got sober to find my way through this. Might as well do it quickly because this continous rollercoaster of freeze and hope and freeze is very, very, very, extremely uncomfortable. Do I speak with friends? Nope. Should I speak with my therapist. Yes. Do I want to? No. I want to hide and self destruct and not deal with any of this.
Every thought and feeling I have is the same as it was 9 to 10 months ago when the thought of alcohol ruining my life was becoming obvious. Big forces building up. Time to work on it. Pffffff…..
If you have a clue how to start growing up I really would like to hear so. I feel ashamed, powerless, useless, stupid, afraid. I do realise now that I do have some qualities which are extremely well-developed but since the rest of me is so unfinished it does not, pfff, come to life or turn into money like it used to do.
I am happy that I quit, imagine having to go through this while drinking. That would be disastrous and really destructive.
I fear: well, see above everything from looking at what really goes on to poverty.
I want: things to go away but there is a NEW thing which, 1 second an hour, says that I want to learn to deal and am tired of hiding. Very new.
I need: to pay extra attention to me and my admin.
I take: Lin seed oil, having a newly developed craving for it. 3 Tablespoons a day. Also take the same Schuessler salts on the digestive track. Working fine. Added some against frozen shoulders which are the result of being in a job where I could not do my thing my way for 2,5 days. Thank you body…. I think I got the message…. 🙂 I think by now I can change the subject from digestive track to liver and gal and move to lymph system and lymph knots and other lumpy stuff which I fear. I find it funny that I can care for me if it comes from the outside. Very addicty but I’m going to use it now to get me in a better shape. My hair was already thick but has gotten even thicker, crow’s-feet are disappearing, eye lids are lifting, eye bags are flattening, under shin is disappearing, skin is clearing. Friends are commenting :-). Weight has dropped 4 kilo’s without paying attention to what I eat weight wise. I have developed pimples on my shoulders, I think that comes from the clean up salts. Not sure how. We shall see.
Feeling better now I got to look at what is improving. 🙂 Really enjoying this list with repeating questions, it helps me. 🙂
Thank you for reading again way too many and way too unorganised words – I can’t go back to edit because I edit out the hurt which I do not feel at this moment anymore. And I want it to be in there to document. Still not sure what I am documenting for, it is important to me but I still do not dare to look back. Do you read back in your blog?
I hope you have a nice day, evening,