Life is hurting

My post is a bit of a mess. Loads of repetitive thoughts. Not pleasurable to read. Trying to get a grip on things. Life is hurting, I’ve come to the learning ‘opportunities’ which hurt and I experience that as very unpleasant. Getting sober seems to have been just a stepping stone to dealing with life. Which in itself is logical, I just do not want it in my life. πŸ˜€ I do not think life is about being addicted, I assume it is not about putting all my energy in being sober – it is about living it. Living it :-). Good concept.

Fuck it. I do not want it! Aaaaaahrggg! This is where I am feeling sorry for myself, want other people to save me and if not consider jumping of a building somewhere (don’t worry, I won’t). Extremes, extremes. I am back to preferring extreme thinking and feeling over dealing with the real situation.

The astrologer I met a few weeks ago was over to visit. It works out that I was ‘produced’ (how do you call that?) during a lunar eclipse. Astrology wise that would be the worst time to make kids – it spawns demons according to old tales. Another thing to add to this list of things I gather of why I should not be normal and normally happy and normal whatever. I am assuming now that I collect these things to feel sorry for myself and not go into the learning opportunities that life brings. Playing ‘poor me’.

He’s could also tell me that my life has gone into a cycle like the one of about 30 years back (that would be a year with sexual assault, dropping out of school, running away from home, introduction to alcohol, dropping out of school and moving to another country on my own). My astrology money thingy moved into ‘bad time’ a few days ago – hence the being fired? Another ‘poor me’.

Well, now there is the reason NOT to consult astrologers. πŸ™‚Β  I called the store man. He said: ‘Don’t worry, astrology is just one of all the factors that make up life.’ πŸ™‚ I am practising to prefer to believe that. Poor me wants to believe the Catastrophe.

Dealing with life. It is up to me to not respond to what is happening and not run away like I did when I was a teenager – run away, become depressed in order to avoid personal growth and having to do stuff I did not dare to look at or deal with. Not looking forward to it because pffff….. I guess when I throw a tantrum I feel like I am in control, don’t have to deal with what is.

Starting to wonder why not actually? Avoiding hurts and makes me feel as miserable as I was when I drank. Ooooh, discomfort here. Don’t want to stay with this feeling and line of thought. Was it BrenΓ© Brown on ‘leaning into the discomfort’. Maybe I should get a book. Worked once for sugar, worked for cigarette, worked for cola, worked for booze. And maybe, I should speak with people. Just don’t dare to speak with friends now because I am so emotional that I fear I might blurt out the secret booze and sober story. Which is just another way to lock myself up in another prison I guess. Aaaaaaarhg!!!! Actually, that aaaaaahrg does not sound like aaaaaahrg at this side of the glas fibre, it sounds like a whimper. :-/

Dealing with finances and work now makes me feel like I am powerless. Powerless is not nice. ThatΒ΄s when people drop by to abuse and hurt me.

I feel my life is spinning out of control but also the clarity on what I am doing is getting bigger. It all seems to spin faster and faster and I need to choose if I want to take control or not. Like I had when drinking or quitting. I have the feeling I got sober to find my way through this. Might as well do it quickly because this continous rollercoaster of freeze and hope and freeze is very, very, very, extremely uncomfortable. Do I speak with friends? Nope. Should I speak with my therapist. Yes. Do I want to? No. I want to hide and self destruct and not deal with any of this.

Every thought and feeling I have is the same as it was 9 to 10 months ago when the thought of alcohol ruining my life was becoming obvious. Big forces building up. Time to work on it. Pffffff…..

If you have a clue how to start growing up I really would like to hear so. I feel ashamed, powerless, useless, stupid, afraid. I do realise now that I do have some qualities which are extremely well-developed but since the rest of me is so unfinished it does not, pfff, come to life or turn into money like it used to do.

I am happy that I quit, imagine having to go through this while drinking. That would be disastrous and really destructive.

I fear: well, see above everything from looking at what really goes on to poverty.

I want: things to go away but there is a NEW thing which, 1 second an hour, says that I want to learn to deal and am tired of hiding. Very new.

I need: to pay extra attention to me and my admin.

I take: Lin seed oil, having a newly developed craving for it. 3 Tablespoons a day. Also take the same Schuessler salts on the digestive track. Working fine. Added some against frozen shoulders which are the result of being in a job where I could not do my thing my way for 2,5 days. Thank you body…. I think I got the message…. πŸ™‚ I think by now I can change the subject from digestive track to liver and gal and move to lymph system and lymph knots and other lumpy stuff which I fear. I find it funny that I can care for me if it comes from the outside. Very addicty but I’m going to use it now to get me in a better shape. My hair was already thick but has gotten even thicker, crow’s-feet are disappearing, eye lids are lifting, eye bags are flattening, under shin is disappearing, skin is clearing. Friends are commenting :-). Weight has dropped 4 kilo’s without paying attention to what I eat weight wise. I have developed pimples on my shoulders, I think that comes from the clean up salts. Not sure how. We shall see.

Feeling better now I got to look at what is improving. πŸ™‚ Really enjoying this list with repeating questions, it helps me. πŸ™‚

Thank you for reading again way too many and way too unorganised words – I can’t go back to edit because I edit out the hurt which I do not feel at this moment anymore. And I want it to be in there to document. Still not sure what I am documenting for, it is important to me but I still do not dare to look back. Do you read back in your blog?

I hope you have a nice day, evening,

xx, Feeling

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18 thoughts on “Life is hurting

  1. Dear Feeling,
    I wish life could be easier, too.
    I wish you had a job, tons of money, a guy, and tons of books!
    You will figure things out, though.
    I like your list of looking at things that are improving!
    I might have to do that on my blog!
    Oh, well, I don’t have many physical improvements!
    HUGS!!
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

      • Hi Feeling! I do! You can find me at:
        tipsynomore.blogspot.com

        I ate too much ice cream tonight!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Found you πŸ™‚ I ate too much chocolate, for me it is time to seriously look into it. It feels like it is somehow undoing the process of converting food into nutrients. I get a very cold, cold, cold stomache after eating chocolate. Why did you eat too much icecream? I hope for fun, not because of difficulty? Or…
        xx, Feeling

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I hope you feel better after getting this all out. I keep reading that your emotions become very real and very crazy as you continue with sobriety. They say if you just sit and allow yourself to feel for awhile the emotion will pass and you will be on a new journey. Maybe just try that today.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Tina Jeanne,

      Thank you for stopping by and commenting. Yes, I did feel better after getting it all out. πŸ™‚ And yes, sitting with it…. a very good way, and sometimes, like yesterday, very scary. Writing helps me to get it out. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • You can always give it a try, no need to publish every day or so. I have read that there are people who have a blog, write (almost) every day but only publish what they feel comfortable with.
        Let me know if you need help setting one up. Happy to be of help. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve been feeling much the same way: I’ve been able to quit the drinking but it’s the living that I can’t seem to manage, it turns out.
    It felt so awful. I really laid into myself for not being able to create something better, even though I’ve set myself up for success by removing the booze. What the hell is wrong with me?! I even thought about drinking briefly. But I didn’t drink.
    Think I’m coming out the other side of it now but it feels like I’m just hanging on…
    Hope you’re feeling better. Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, ‘what the hell is wrong with me?’ – I just found my answer on that same question about me, or entry to working this out. It is about shame and this overwhelming feeling that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. Today I am back on maximum care because I am scared and need to and possibly also want to change. Shame and self-destruction, it is so familiair, I could say it is my identity. Hard to let go.
      I do think that if I had not quit this job experience would have been an excellent opportunity to fall even deeper into the addiction. Alcohol is not attractive, by now I think it smells foul so that makes it easier. πŸ™‚
      Currently I’m watching this video, wise words on the subject shame – which for me relates to not wanting to be able to to deal, not thinking that I have the right to be able to deal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mtvOdbRy61Q&list=PLriiR_A6gwaAkpjIWnYsIepGoW9H7GCCT&index=4

      Vague thought that pops up; It is only that I have no recollection of anybody in my family experiencing quitting that I was allowed by me to succeed.
      It is time for change. I do not want to be determined by fear and shame anymore. It is destructive. I’m at a sort of thought system rock-bottom. Time for change.
      Well, not a very uplifting reply but “Je maintiendrai”. πŸ™‚ I am fucking happy that I quit because I would be a total wrack now if I had not. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Goodness you are having such a hard time just now. I hear you and, although I don’t know you personally I am so very proud of you not resorting to drink at such difficult times. I always say “there is no situation in life so bad that alcohol can’t make it worse”! And it most definitely would – so good for you hanging in there and staying sober on this learning journey of yours!

    Liked by 1 person

    • πŸ™‚ True, true ‘no situation in life so bad that alcohol can’t make it worse.’ I wish I had known / realized / believed / wanted to believe that before I even touched a first glass years ago.
      I’m hoping I’m going to do the learning because I don’t feel like I want to go through this again.
      Let’s see… πŸ™‚
      Thank you for dropping by and commenting Nae Een. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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  5. Have you ever read a book called Rational Recovery? I found it very helpful in being honest with myself. I felt like the author got right into my soul and poked about in there rattling my cage but I needed that. It was a hard read at times because he was a drinker too and he knows the score and he doesn’t hold back in telling you what you’re up to….. I only stopped drinking 9 weeks ago and today is the first day I’ve felt like drinking…….One of the things I found hardest to get my head round was the fact that I KNEW if I had a drink I would feel worse for the next few days and I STILL went ahead and did it for the instant gratification….Repeatedly I told myself as I bought the drink that I was really going to suffer and I just wouldn’t get a grip…..I was just so highly motivated to drink that I was very selective in what voice I listened to. Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Rational Recovery? Thanks for the tip! I’ll look it up. Congrats on your 9 weeks! πŸ™‚ And congrats on only feeling urges after 9 weeks. That is really cool! πŸ™‚ Not the urges obviously but the ‘only after 9 weeks’. πŸ™‚ I’m assuming you are ok?

      Like

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