I have been wanting to think about self-care – and specifically why I do not do that much. Obviously I have been taken up by work life and sugar-Netflix addiction that this never happens. However, the internet helps me a little.
Warning: this worked out to be a pretty weird post. But hey, this is the flavor of the dish ;-). I invite you down the rabbithole. 🙂
Somewhere in the last 32 months of not drinking I asked myself ‘Why do I dislike myself?’ and the answer from within was: “If you disapprove of yourself, you do at least something well.”
Finding out that I was wired in such a way was shocking and sad. But while I am writing this I realise that I need to not have opinions on what happens. What is left is the information that I seem to think that I only have the right to exist when I dislike myself. Self-destruction is not far from that. Actually, according to this thought, self-destruction is actually the way to retrieve the right to exist. When writing this, my mind and body go through a series of emotional happenings, flashbacks, which, I guess, are related to the moments in which I shaped this destructive opinion of my existence. It is a series of several memories of happenings in my life in which I ‘allowed’ the destructive energy of others ‘in’. Not sure those are the right words because it feels more like being overwhelmed by the anger and dislike of the other. The person who ‘told me so’ was important and in order to survive in the setting / social structure I made this thinking my own – just to be liked, to fit in, to be worthy of love.
And in order to reverse this imprint / openness to destruction I need to become very anti-social and cut loose from the importance of being liked, being ‘loved’ and internally say: not on these conditions.
There are people who think and say I ‘overthink’. I can not imagine how that would be, if that is true. Obviously there is something there because I feel threatened when being told so. I try to work out what not thinking would be like, come up with the word ‘underthink’. I do think ‘The whole world’ underthinks eventhough I have not clue what overthink would be. So, well, the subject is loaded with tension – but I don’t know more that than.
I do not think I overthink. I think I overtalk. I put words to what is happening in my body and mix up feelings with thoughts but put them both into writing as if they were thoughts.
When writing about being overwhelmed I find myself in my body with a large, dominating, female energy hovering over me on the left side of my body. The energy of the person totally breaks through all that I call my core, which has been gone for a long time, only the memories of that core and what I could call ‘my own’ or ‘me’ have long gone. My energy is all disconnected because the core has been dislocated, scattered with the strength of the other. Things don’t flow anymore. When feeling through the energetic memory I can feel live in my pelvis area but when following the direction of that energy upwards there is none – the way up is damaged. What I would call my ‘core’; where the lines of energy going up, looking to be born in the higher realms, stops in my belly and and pieces of the core are scattered through the right side of my body, well, actually in the liver area, they go around my heart in the right side of my upper body and try to meet back at the throat chakra. I guess that is why I overtalk: loads of energy not channeled well. Also, energy coming from above, from ‘the universe’ if you will, does not get sorted out because there is no link to the earth.
Well, all of this sounds as strange to me as it might sound to you; because I describe what I feel/think how it works.
Trying some practice now, just to see what happens: I try to forcefully put back the shattered pieces in my core. Ok, force is not good, does not feel good. Now I invite the pieces. Aah, now I cry. 🙂 I want to not feel this. I think I will get ill if I do not repair this broken core. I also think I will be afraid of what I can do and the power of life if I do repair it. I feel unskilled in the magic of it all and overwhelmed by the notion of the power which (I assume) lies within.
I think it is important that my core energy transportation channels of which one come from down under and goes up, and the other comes from above and goes down, or should go down are healed. Whatever.
And now I come to think of it: there is a difference between the core (the observer without opionion) and the energy channels; the channels are the tools.
Who am I? I think I exist of different parts. I think there is something which can be described with the words ‘eternal, observer, part of the Universe, in communication with the Universe’ and my physical body which concists of molecules but there is something inbetween too: that what keeps it all together.
We are biological (in the sense of nature like) and we are culturally inclined. Culture is there to overrule the bio thingies when they get out of hand. To organise society, to organise group. To give boundaries to what is given.
And I lost it. 🙂 Strange mode I can not get back into to understand wtf. Sigh. One day I will work it out.
At the moment I write this it is a day later. I do not really get what I wrote above but I DO feel that I have the right to happiness. And not ‘because I quit’ – not because I have done something for it, but just because I exist. I am guessing the practise of aligning my inner core has to do with the flow of that happiness / life energy.
Here is a list of reasons not to take care of self which I found on the web. Many thanks to Dr William Bloom for listing this and writing the article.
WHY I DON’T SELF-CARE
- Can’t break old habits
- New behaviour to learn
- It wasn’t in my training or education
- Its embarrassing and awkward to care for myself
- There’s an internalised authority figure judging me for appearing soft and narcissistic
- I pretend there is not enough time
- Am frightened to look at what might be wrong
- Am addicted to the role of stoic hero and healer
- Am scared of feeling my feelings – I would get too emotional or overwhelmed
- Lazy and lack discipline
- Am depressed and have no energy or motivation
I would like to add: I got myself addicted. I lived in a world where overwhelm was often the emotion of the day. It could be because I could not deal, or because the surroundings were too stressful. I do no know. I choose the way out which I thought would save me from the (perceived?) missery I found myself in. It did not work. Now I need to undo the damage I did to me. Work in progress. 🙂
I am happy that I quit. Quitting is a prerequisite for undoing the damage. When drinking I was continuously afraid of the truth, my truth. Now I have learned not to drink and not to mind not drinking I am slowly returning to what I assume is my true self. I feel better there, much more at peace. No matter what happens: when I am honest with me, I am ok. Money or not, work or not, I can look myself in the eye when being honest. Or gheghe, my version of honest because obviously / most probably there are still things I prefer to hide even from myself. 🙂 Here is a list:
- I have lumps in my breasts and stiffness in my left arm and on my left chest. It feels like it is some kind of swelling. And no, I will not be going to a doctor untill I can face it. I can not.
- My bloodpressure has been around 170 the last 6 months. Only now it is lowering now I work less. And lowering quickly btw. I’m thinking I am between 140 and 150 now on a daily base.
- In the last months I have lost 4 tiny fillings of my teeth. I am thinking it is because of acidity caused by sugar / lemon juice water. I don’t want to go back to my last dentist because he is a butcher. I need to go back to the one I had for 25 years but he’s far away and has a new customer stop. My teeth are in bad shape.
- I am overweight, put on about 4-5 kilo’s in the last 1,5 month and I feel bad about that. It is time I start slimming down but I cannot find the entry. Am looking though.
- I am lonely and I think no man will ever like me because I am strange, blunt, uncharming, grey and fat. It makes me feel like a loser. I also realise I would not be able to live in a relation and do the internal work that I do. So it is not all bad.
- I think the menopauze might be starting in me. The other day I had a hot flash and I felt this loss of well, reproduction energy, liveliness if you will and it looked like my body was angrily fighting against it. Sort of trying to fight the autumn. 🙂 I let go. Obviously this is it, menopauze. Or not. Maybe it was the ginger tea. 😉
- My house is a mess, I have cleaned it but my living room is still a (work)shop with machines and goods from my former jobs.
- I have thousands of euro’s of old cloth (worth nothing) which I can not wear anymore because ‘too fat’. And by the time I get to fit them they are badly out of fashion. But I can not give the cloth away. Have not opened the cabinets for 4 years.
I am guessing this is about it. It actually feels good to get this off my chest. 🙂
So, another pretty weird post from Feelingmywaybackintolife but I guess when that is the motto, the result will be sort of ‘going everywhere’.
Wishing you a nice sober day.
I am happy that I quit. A woman who loves herself would turn off the computer and go to bed slowly. It was 50 degrees on my balcony and 42 (Celcius!!!) in the house. I am pretty warm. 🙂 No spellcheck.