Results of the audit came in this week. We got a 97% score. Me happy. Now I can sort of rest, settle down. You can not imagine the relaxation that spread through my body (is spread the correct word?). Whoah. Me. Happy. I can say ‘I did not know that I was so tense’ but I did know, I was ‘just’ in denial of it.
Now it is time to clean the house. A woman who loves herself would wear socks because she has cold feet.
Last night, warm Friday night I biked through the center of Amsterdam The city is loaded with stoned and/or drunken youth and tourist. Normally I detest the energetic stench that comes of, well I still do. But I was happy that I quit, that I did not ‘have to do that’ anymore. That the compulsion to long for that total whipe out had gone. There are so many different levels and angels to addiction. That keeps surprising me. I never knew how badly I longed for destruction of me. Longed for what is sacred not to exist. ‘Because it was broken, hurting badly and disappointing anyway.’ Last night I realised that I had freed myself from that longing to destruct by drinking. I destruct other ways, but the drinking is gone. That is good.
It is a long way back. I guess it is my life’s journey. 🙂 And right now I need to learn to stay relaxed and clean the house (after 6 months of vacuming only once or twice. Yes, Yuck. One of the ‘perks’ of living alone. 😀
I wonder when I will learn to and have a life and have a job. Guess that will take a while. 🙂
Wishing you a nice sober weekend.
A woman who loves herself will now put on socks! And clean the house while enjoying it. and enjoying every step she does, not fretting about what she did not do.
I am happy that I quit. I am have developed freedom through that and that is good. I prefer it over enslavement. 🙂