Hey, I’m happy!

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Results of the audit came in this week. We got a 97% score. Me happy. Now I can sort of rest, settle down. You can not imagine the relaxation that spread through my body (is spread the correct word?). Whoah. Me. Happy. I can say ‘I did not know that I was so tense’ but I did know, I was ‘just’ in denial of it.

Now it is time to clean the house.  A woman who loves herself would wear socks because she has cold feet.

Last night, warm Friday night I biked through the center of Amsterdam The city is loaded with stoned and/or drunken youth and tourist. Normally I detest the energetic stench that comes of, well I still do. But  I was happy that I quit, that I did not ‘have to do that’ anymore. That the compulsion to long for that total whipe out had gone. There are so many different levels and angels to addiction. That keeps surprising me. I never knew how badly I longed for destruction of me. Longed for what is sacred not to exist. ‘Because it was broken, hurting badly and disappointing anyway.’ Last night I realised that I had freed myself from that longing to destruct by drinking. I destruct other ways, but the drinking is gone. That is good.

It is a long way back. I guess it is my life’s journey. 🙂 And right now I need to learn to stay relaxed and clean the house (after 6 months of vacuming only once or twice. Yes, Yuck. One of the ‘perks’ of living alone. 😀

I wonder when I will learn to and have a life and have a job. Guess that will take a while. 🙂

Wishing you a nice sober weekend.

A woman who loves herself will now put on socks! And clean the house while enjoying it. and enjoying every step she does, not fretting about what she did not do.

I am happy that I quit. I am have developed freedom through that and that is good. I prefer it over enslavement. 🙂

xx, Feeling

12 thoughts on “Hey, I’m happy!”

  1. ” I never knew how badly I longed for destruction of me.” That is very profound. Only after swimming up from the depths did I realize how very much I had been *trying* to annihilate myself.

    Congratulations on your continued sobriety and happy weekend!

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  2. I remember a night in early sobriety leaving me the same feelings. Our town use to have a couple bars close together so the police would block off the street. We’re a small college town so you can imagine the scene on some nights. The insanity of our addiction was playing right in front of me. For me, the scene just strengthened my sobriety. I didn’t have to drink at all to have a good time. I had other ways to handle stressors in my life, safer ways.

    “I wonder when I will learn to and have a life and have a job.” It does take time. I have come to accept my life just as it is – uneventful. But i”m okay with it because today I don’t have to wait until the next foot is going to go **splat** on my head. I have no worries (most of the time).

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    • “I have come to accept my life just as it is – uneventful.” A big part of this is exactly like that: my life has been with so many ups and downs that I get uneasy when not stressed. Stress junky. Trying to go back to normal. 🙂 It takes a while. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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      • When I retired from teaching, I was so hooked on the job stress, too.
        I was in working most weekends and nights, when other teachers were taking care of themselves.
        It took me time to learn that I don’t have to be in a race all the time.
        xo

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      • The list that Primrose had the other day included working too much, didn’t it? It’s part of the misconceptions people with addictive personalities have about life I think. :-/ Well, progress, not perfection. See how the 4 day workweek is going to work out. 🙂
        xx, Feeling

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  3. Yay! I am so glad you are feeling good, today!
    So am I! I think I must be channeling you across the world!
    I don’t see a lot of drunk people here, but we are not a big tourist place.
    I am so thankful I don’t drink anymore.
    It really is a gift, as they say, and if we keep open to accepting those gifts, we will continue to receive them.
    It’s when I close myself off that I can’t see them.
    Hugs and Love,
    Wendy

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    • 🙂 Quite some channeling! 🙂 And yes, true 🙂 “When I close myself off that I can’t see them.” I had visitors over for I believe the first time in several months, cleaned the house and was genuinly happy. Closing off is not good.
      xx, Feeling
      xx, Feeling

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  5. I hope you put on socks and enjoyed the cleaning.
    It always is nice to have a neat space. I admit, I pay someone to do that for me.
    But today I cleaned out my bathroom drawer. It will be nice to open it Monday and see everything I need!

    Have a great weekend.
    Anne

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    • Socks: check! Cleaning enjoyed: check! Loving the clean place: CHECK!!!! Feeling a little jealous because of your cleaner: check. 😉 But then you have 2 kids and I only on cat and a walk-in pigeon. Though that kast one is not house broken unfortunately. 😦
      Cleaning drawers, good idea. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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