I don’t want to write this but I guess I should. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to realise but I have become powerless over my sugar, food and Netflix addiction. ‘Due to’ (? can I say that?) the stress of the last months I over-ate and now my blood pressure is higher than it has ever been and I have a constant headache if I am not eating chocolate. Guess the caffeine/sugar addiction has kicked in. Then, when I do eat too much chocolate I get a headache and heart palpitations as well. And did I say panick attacks? In order not to notice I zone out with Netflix.
I re-read the post of yesterday. Awful arrogant piece of writing mixed with some confused nonsense. Nasty arrogance. We have a saying ‘pride comes for the fall’ and that is what is happening right now.
All of these not drinking days I have stated that being happy that I quit has saved me. And I am not happy anymore. Have not been for a long time. Not good. I can not be happy anymore. Just in general I have been so stressed out that I am not content with stuff anymore. It has always been an issue with me, not content easily, perfectionism but now I can not find where I am at ease anymore. A woman who loves herself at this moment would kill herself so it is all over. No, not going to do that but that is the thought that pops up at first. Thinking thoughts like that are indicative of my state.
The place where I got hit over the head last year is hurting like crazy. I have this stone on my chest, difficulty breathing, feel full (am full) and tired. Since yesterday I am tired.
Still the Universe is helping me, sending me a video on the subject of Relapse. It is about 20 minutes which I would rather spend on just another episode of something on Netflix but I did not. It this case not watching would be like spitting Providence in the face, not? I find that Teal takes a little getting used to, she is an acquired taste but I like her. The ‘What would a woman who loved herself do?’ comes from her.
What I picked up is that I need to do the work I don’t want to do; love myself and take action to care for me. I realise that I do not actually have the ability to focus well but that was a good start. Then I slept 4 hours, came back refreshed. Stepped into my old habit of watching Netflix to find that I do not really like the feel it gives me. But obviously I continue. Then returned to WordPress. Thank Mikeykjr for his comment, even though I would wish it differently it is comforting to hear I am not the only one who does not have her ducks in a row (yet).
As with anything: today is the beginning of the rest of my life. No matter what, I can always start over again. I will always have myself. This is something I found years ago in a moment of deep despair; I will always have myself, no matter what. Now I learnt this comes with a disclaimer: if I listen to me, that is when I will always have myself. It is a disconnected spot to go to but it beats the loneliness of wanting and it takes me away from despair. 🙂
I am happy that I quit in a sad way because I realise now that I have not been happy or relaxed for a long time. I need to put myself first otherwise this path I am walking on will bring me to bad places. I had not even made my bed. That is the first time in 1013 days. Not good. Making my bed in the morning and therewith setting my intention of living sober has been the thing I have done for 1013 days but not yesterday. Not good. It is a sign.
I am off to bed. First I will make the bed. I wish you a good new start of the week. Do what a woman (man) who loves herself (himself) would do.
I hope someday I have the power to quit sugar because by now it is taking me everywhere. It used to be so easy – when I drank. Yesterdays post was written on 1,5 bar of 72% dark chocolate – that is where it gets me. And I want to not write this down because I think I can feel anybody reading this frown and think I am moaning – bwaahaha, obviously I am moaning, as well. It is also true that in my body, having unstable blood sugar levels, I can not deal with as much as other people. And I can not break the addiction (yet?). Like then I am doing exactly nothing to actually make a change. Sitting, being depressed, thinking I can not change anything and fearing that I will be repeating the same stupid behaviour. Thinking it will all be too difficult. Thinking I will fail anyhow so no need to start. And with that I diminish all the good and happiness it brings me to work on me and be clear. The way I use sugar is to dim my mind and feelings. A bar of chocolate gives me about the same numbing result as 2-3 beers. Depending on what else I have eaten.
I have difficulty writing about this because I keep on sensing (projected?) irritation. Do you, when you write, keep stuff out because you think people might think it irritating? I don’t want to do this because addiction happens there where people start having trouble, start wanting to hide stuff.
I need to take care of me. I will always have myself.
Happy that I quit though I can’t say it is easy to live with the consequences of feeling stuff again. Then again, the consequences of not quitting would be awful.