Drowning versus ‘Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.’

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I don’t want to write this but I guess I should. I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t want to realise but I have become powerless over my sugar, food and Netflix addiction. ‘Due to’ (? can I say that?) the stress of the last months I over-ate and now my blood pressure is higher than it has ever been and I have a constant headache if I am not eating chocolate. Guess the caffeine/sugar addiction has kicked in. Then, when I do eat too much chocolate I get a headache and heart palpitations as well. And did I say panick attacks? In order not to notice I zone out with Netflix.

I re-read the post of yesterday. Awful arrogant piece of writing mixed with some confused nonsense. Nasty arrogance. We have a saying ‘pride comes for the fall’ and that is what is happening right now.

All of these not drinking days I have stated that being happy that I quit has saved me. And I am not happy anymore. Have not been for a long time. Not good. I can not be happy anymore. Just in general I have been so stressed out that I am not content with stuff anymore. It has always been an issue with me, not content easily, perfectionism but now I can not find where I am at ease anymore. A woman who loves herself at this moment would kill herself so it is all over. No, not going to do that but that is the thought that pops up at first. Thinking thoughts like that are indicative of my state.

The place where I got hit over the head last year is hurting like crazy. I have this stone on my chest, difficulty breathing, feel full (am full) and tired. Since yesterday I am tired.

Still the Universe is helping me, sending me a video on the subject of Relapse. It is about 20 minutes which I would rather spend on just another episode of something on Netflix but I did not. It this case not watching would be like spitting Providence in the face, not? I find that Teal takes a little getting used to, she is an acquired taste but I like her. The ‘What would a woman who loved herself do?’ comes from her.

What I picked up is that I need to do the work I don’t want to do; love myself and take action to care for me. I realise that I do not actually have the ability to focus well but that was a good start. Then I slept 4 hours, came back refreshed. Stepped into my old habit of watching Netflix to find that I do not really like the feel it gives me. But obviously I continue. Then returned to WordPress. Thank Mikeykjr for his comment, even though I would wish it differently it is comforting to hear I am not the only one who does not have her ducks in a row (yet).

As with anything: today is the beginning of the rest of my life. No matter what, I can always start over again. I will always have myself. This is something I found years ago in a moment of deep despair;  I will always have myself, no matter what. Now I learnt this comes with a disclaimer: if I listen to me, that is when I will always have myself. It is a disconnected spot to go to but it beats the loneliness of wanting and it takes me away from despair. 🙂

I am happy that I quit in a sad way because I realise now that I have not been happy or relaxed for a long time. I need to put myself first otherwise this path I am walking on will bring me to bad places. I had not even made my bed. That is the first time in 1013 days. Not good. Making my bed in the morning and therewith setting my intention of living sober has been the thing I have done for 1013 days but not yesterday. Not good. It is a sign.

I am off to bed. First I will make the bed. I wish you a good new start of the week. Do what a woman (man) who loves herself (himself) would do.

I hope someday I have the power to quit sugar because by now it is taking me everywhere. It used to be so easy – when I drank. Yesterdays post was written on 1,5 bar of 72% dark chocolate – that is where it gets me. And I want to not write this down because I think I can feel anybody reading this frown and think I am moaning – bwaahaha, obviously I am moaning, as well. It is also true that in my body, having unstable blood sugar levels, I can not deal with as much as other people. And I can not break the addiction (yet?). Like then I am doing exactly nothing to actually make a change. Sitting, being depressed, thinking I can not change anything and fearing that I will be repeating the same stupid behaviour. Thinking it will all be too difficult. Thinking I will fail anyhow so no need to start. And with that I diminish all the good and happiness it brings me to work on me and be clear. The way I use sugar is to dim my mind and feelings. A bar of chocolate gives me about the same numbing result as 2-3 beers. Depending on what else I have eaten.

I have difficulty writing about this because I keep on sensing (projected?) irritation. Do you, when you write, keep stuff out because you think people might think it irritating? I don’t want to do this because addiction happens there where people start having  trouble, start wanting to hide stuff.

I need to take care of me. I will always have myself.

Happy that I quit though I can’t say it is easy to live with the consequences of feeling stuff again. Then again, the consequences of not quitting would be awful.

xx, Feeling

22 thoughts on “Drowning versus ‘Today is the beginning of the rest of my life.’”

  1. Wow, you are dealing with a LOT right now. *hugs*
    Have you looked at the symptoms for PAWS? The irritation and crappy feelings you are describing sound JUST like an episode of PAWS.

    I hope tomorrow is better for you. Thank you for sharing.

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    • 🙂 Thank you PCFR. And yes, I have looked at the symptomes of PAWS, in my not so humble opinion part of that is sugar addiction / instable bloodsugar levels / hypoglycemia and I am running in circles. I feel as trapped as I was before quitting drinking but I can not find the switch. Doing day 1 after day 1 after day 1. 🙂 But repeat: today is the first day of the rest of my life. See how that works.
      xx, Feeling

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  2. Write is all.
    Do you notice hormonal cycles with your sugar and mood shifts? I tracked this for a while and it was very dramatic. In the end an antidepressant resolved my deep premenopausal lows.

    Have you considered moving on to other types of sugar? Do you eat fruit? I started trying to have fruit instead of chocolate and it helped me slowly change my food desires.
    I still like chocolate, but when presented with the idea I had to eat an apple first I often just had tea.

    You have done so much over the past few years. Had many epiphanies, opened my eyes to all sorts of things.

    Keep moving forward. Every day IS a clean slate.
    Love to you my friend.

    Anne

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    • Dear Anne,
      Thank you for your comment. I have had this Mirena thingy placed so I don’t have any periods for about 5 years but indeed, I could see if there is a monthly high or low. Because of that I am not focussed on meno pauze. Ooh, that would be way to early! No nooooo nooooo nooooo noooo nooooo nooooooo! 🙂 🙂 🙂 Ooh, crying for my mother here. 🙂
      I need to do something, anything to change this. I tried not eating chocolate this day and then I went overboard ‘because’ and now I feel ‘fine’ again. Sorry for the moaning. And yes, I am going to try stuff. Guess going back to green tea in stead off chocolate could help with the missing caffeine so I don’t go cold turkey on that too. I’m not there yet. Not sure what needs to happen though to get me there.
      Thank you for dropping by. I am in all kinds of states and your acknowledgement means a lot to me.
      xx, Feeling

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      • Ghegheghe….. Anne! Hormones suck. Yeah. Ok. They do. Specifically for me since I never made use of the reproductional thingies.
        But I’m guessing they are not supposed to suck because that would, biologically, be so unlogical. I’m thinking our way of life and the stress we put ourselfs and our bodies under push them the wrong way. I don’t see animals in the wild having hormonal issues or depressions, or addictions for that matter. :-/
        xx, Feeling

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  3. For me, learning that forgiveness is a practice, (not a destination) has been a beautiful awareness. I seek to hide behind (sugar, slothfulness, etc.) to protect myself, yet these are the very things that perpetuate my need to hide. When I forgive myself it begs the question “What are you/were you hiding from?”

    Love this post today. So raw and honest and absolutely not irritating (and yes I’ve felt that way, lol)

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    • Dear Lisa,
      Thank you for your comment. And I’ll guess I’ll take your guestion literally and try to answer it here. 😉 (never ask a blunt Dutchy anything, they will answer the question)
      I am hiding from feeling the loneliness, hiding from the fear I will never be good enough and normal enough to find a partner, or be found by a partner for that matter. I am hiding from the fear of growing older without money. Hiding from the fear of being ill, fearing that I have breast cancer, fearing that my brain is terminally damaged by the concussion because it still feels horrible. Fearing that I am too strange to ever fit in this world. Fearing that this feeling of disconnectedness will never go away. Also hiding from the fear of having replaced alcohol with other addictions and realising I am not doing what I should be doing in this world. That’s all I guess. 🙂 / 😦 When I write it down it has less power over me. That is good. 🙂 So thank you. 🙂
      When reading this I think I feel disconnected from myself because I do not care for myself anymore. Why is that SO hard? Would you know?
      xx, Feeling

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      • Feeling,
        I have been thinking on this answer since you posted your comment. Here are my thoughts: In general, I think most addicts, (if not everyone) is a little disconnected. I think this is part of the “human” experience. The body, by definition, is densely bundled energy. (Quantum physics teaches us this fact.) If we are more than the body (spirit/consciousness) then while we are here on earth we are constantly jockeying between these two realities. (Rather, these two “perceived” realities). From a quantum perspective we are here, but then we are not here. Which is it?

        As a student of A Course in Miracles, my interpretation of reality is such: My body exists for me to have the experience of learning. If this is true, then everything that is happening is an opportunity for learning. In other words, everything is happening FOR me, not TO me. Why is this so hard to connect with self and learn? It feels unnatural. We are creatures of comfort. And addicts, especially, are creatures of instant gratification and comfort.

        For me, recovery took on a new meaning when I began to see the opportunity it afforded me. The opportunity to completely recreate a better version of me. One that I could grow to love as the days ticked by. I just want to finish earth life better than I started.

        It’s hard because everything is hard until we learn that it is not. The challenge isn’t to overcome, but be willing to overcome (the obstacle).

        The things that were once obstacles are no longer obstacles (ie. blogging) Once we master them we forget how difficult we once perceived them to be.

        xo Lisa

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  4. Oh Feeling, I’m sorry you’re struggling 😦 I also go round in circles with the sugar even though I know I feel better without too much. Keep writing out what you need to, it’s your space here. I certainly don’t feel irritation when I read, just compassion for another person’s struggling. Take care of yourself, hugs x

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    • Hi TOTW, thank you for your comment. 🙂 And thank you for your acceptance of my writing / musings / stumbling through life. Although I would wish it differently for you it is somehow comforting to know that I am not the only one having troubles with sugar. Let’s see how we can work this out. 🙂 Love to hear how you are dealing with this. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

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      • I’m trying to replace bad habits with good habits. It’s not working yet. Although….. I actually do have good sleeping habits. That is one. And a very important one. I have reasonable excercise habits with biking 13 kilometers a working day but I take it easy. Little sweating, although I do change shirts at arrival.
        Thank you for sharing, it makes me feel less alone.
        xx, Feeling

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  5. Hey there,

    Thanks for the recognition of my comment. It means a lot to me because in doing so I’m not only helping you but you’re helping me. Just don’t give up. Try to keep moving forward. Some days we all fail, while other days we reach for the sky.

    We all get in rough spots in our lives. We have those fleeting thoughts of going back to our old lives. We tend to belittle ourselves and our accomplishments. It’s just life (or your HP, if you believe so) putting us in check with reality. It’s what we do next that helps create the future of our lives.

    It sounds corny but think positively. Accomplish small things instead of attempting to tackle big things all at once. If it is chocolate or Netflix, try not to eat chocolate or watch Nexflix for the next day. If it’s one or the other, you succeed. Try again the next day. Don’t get down on yourself if you fail. It happens to us all even if we don’t admit it to others. But keep trying.

    Do I take my own advice? Sometimes I wish I would. I’m struggling to get my act together for my move at the beginning of next month. Last night I spent the night on the couch watching TV instead of preparing to move to my new home. Actually. I spent all weekend doing something else than preparing to move. Before I read your post, I looked into one closet, found a large bag of clothes. I put it in my car to take to the Salvation Army on the way to work. At least I’m trying. You can do the same thing.

    You hit the nail on the head, “The way I use sugar is to dim my mind and feelings.” Perhaps take an hour (or however long it takes) to write a private entry of everything your feeling and why. Even if it’s just broken words or phrases. For me, I’m scared – period. It’s the side of me I have the hardest time. In my active addiction, I lost everything time and time again. Now, I’m doing the reverse. I’m holding on to everything because I’m afraid of losing it again. I simply need to face my fear – throw the damn bag away and move on. For me, writing it here, I know I’ll accomplish my task because it’s written here; there is no escape for me now.

    ** Insert plug into mouth **

    Just remember, you can’t do it alone. It’s been my experience most people fail. I’m NOT saying you will. However, for me, I’ve found the easiest way to get me out of funks is to take a hard look at myself, including writing it on paper so it’s in front of you. Through the process confide in someone, whether it’s a trusted significant other, friend or the Universe itself. Afterward, do something about it in small parts. We tend to be more successful by accomplishing small goals than attempting to tackle big ones.

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      • It is funny that you say ‘including writing it on paper so it’s in front of you.’ I guess now I find another reason why I don’t re-read my posts: it is confronting. Ha!
        I’m still running.
        Sorry to hear you lost everything. You’ve come a long way. Hats off, what you did is quite an accomplisment. Can imagine you wanna hold on to everything. 🙂
        I am going to go back to trying and being ok with the results of that. This constant blaming me does not lead anywhere. Somehow I forgot that a woman who loves herself makes decisssions to do or not do something. Not get stuck somewhere inbetween and continuously blame herself.
        xx, Feeling

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  6. Hi Feeling!
    I hope you are feeing a bit better today.
    Your fears you mentioned to Lisa, are real, and they are human fears.
    Keep writing, and keep being yourself.
    You are perfect the way you are. Never forget that.
    I had a yoga teacher say…”You don’t have to change for me, you don’t have to change for we.”
    I love that saying.
    You and Anne talked about hormones…the lack of them were horrible for me.
    I thought I was going crazy.
    I’d sit on the floor of my school room after school and cry and cry. I couldn’t sleep for nights and nights.
    So, I hope you can figure all of that out.
    Much Love,
    Wendy

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    • Dear Wendy, yes, I am feeling better. Spoke with my boss this morning, he asked me how my weekend was. I said it sucked, he grinned and said; “Well, let’s see if a good day of work can fix that.” But it did actually. Take my mind of things.
      Sorry that the loss of hormones hit you so hard. I have no clue what to expect. I wish my mom was still alive, to tell me. She had some help of her homeopathic doctor so she ‘only’ (?) had a few night sweats but I am not expecting this for another 5 years. I guess, I think, I hope. 🙂
      I am still having trouble with accepting me, the world. Not sure how to handle that.
      xx, Feeling

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      • It’s hard to accept ourselves, that’s for sure.
        It’s also hard to be kind to ourselves.
        There are days I can feel good about myself and other days, not as good.
        I am glad work helped. I know I always feel better when I go to my volunteer job, too, as it gets me out of my head!
        xo

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