I read Wendy’s (hi!) post and realised I had forgotten day 1000. Not sure if it really means something to me but I thought it would be a good reason to write. Which I did a week ago, and a week before that, but I never posted. Did not feel right.
The new contract negotiations went well-ish. Got a 16% raise which I guess is good but it is less than I think i should earn. However, I am content with this. More would have been better but I’m making about twice as much as last year so… guess I should not be complaining. And then I spent a weekend in my hometown with my brother and SIL and kids and realised that I need to take care of me so I diminished the contract with 4 hours so I have a 4 day job now! I think that will be a good way to force me to start to take better care of me. First few weeks will be 5 days probably. If I get it… funny. I still do not believe stuff until it is money in the bank. People are starting to notice that I do not trust nor have hope.
When I work less I want to live, read and cook more. Up to a few weeks ago I woke up at 5:30, be at work at 6:45 / 7:00, work till 18:00 – 19:00, go home, get groceries, eat chocolate, cook, watch Netflix go to bed at 22:00 max. I need to catch up on the extra hours I made so yesterday I started at 6:00 but went home at 12:00! Yay! It is strange. All I can do is sit and Netflix. It is not that I do not have the physical energy. Nothing wrong there. I just do not have the emotional or whatever energy to think of doing stuff. And if I do I don’t feel like it because ‘too much hassle’. When I explained that to my brother he said: watch out for a burnout. Which I guess is true. Hence the 4 days work. 🙂
Oh yeah, the strange stuff is happening again. Before the contract negotiations started I asked my collegues what they thought I could improve. This ranged from ‘relax’ to ‘stop being a perfectionist’ to ‘stop meddling!!!’. The next day these were EXACTLY the words my boss used in the contract negotiations. Guess it is becoming obvious. 🙂 It is a two faced situation: the job I have is one which meddles with all the processes in the company but on the other hand…. I also meddle when I don’t have to.
So the next day…. I spoke with my therapist. It took him 5 minutes to get to the point so for the rest of the 1:55 we spoke on perfectionism and meddling (F!) and well, things. It was good. 🙂 Day after somebody asked me to look stuff up in the bible because I know my way around, guess more than most, and when I open the book I read something like: beware of murderers, villains and meddlers. THANK YOU! 🙂 How could it not be the first thing I read in the bible in a year?
It is a year ago I got the blow to the head and the concussion. I still feel like there is a hole in my brain the size of a chicken egg and I can not lay on my left side because that causes an instant headache and weird feeling. Guess in due time it will pass. I still have moments where my brain goes blank but I think that’s more of a suger low thing than a post concussion thing.
Also almost a year ago my friend died. His wife, my friend, is going through an awful time and I feel I need to support her but I am so stressed out through work that I have no energy what-so-ever to be supportive. This is another reason why I think working less would be good for me.
I am currently 47-ish, I hope to have a stable job in which I am happy before I turn 50. It just worked out that people after age 55 have a 3% change of getting a job once they get unemployed. That is horrid! Well, I have enough knowledge to start my own company again but still. Horrid! It scares me because I know I am not good in settling in a company and staying there. So I spoke with my boss that I need to learn to settle in a company and that I would like to do it here. It was a weird conversation. I told him I am somebody who goes all in and head first and that he has seen that and profited from that, but that I have troubles with realising that I am ‘stuck’ somewhere. It has a reason that I have been proposed to 5 times in life and I never married. And that working less would help me deal with that. We spoke about ‘the nature of the animal inside’. 🙂 I guess it might sound strange to others when reading this. The nature of the animal inside is also that I overshare. Well, he is strange too. Check out this.
Boss, seated next to his utterly strange wife (she IS weird, she outdoes me in being weird, really) complains: “Why are there so many strange people working in this company? Why can I not have a normal staff?”
“Well, it is my not so humble opinion that if you are surrounded by weird people, you obviously in one way or the other are attracted to them.”
“Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. 😀 I mean, look at whom you married? I don’t really think people come actually come any stranger.” (yes, this is me telling my boss in front of his wife that his wife is strange in her pressence – it is her unique selling point)
He checks his wife, she sits there, beaming at him and me awaiting this conversation to unfold itself. It sort of looks like she has found this trick where she lets me say things she often has told her husband but he does not want to believe from her.
“To continue my not so humble opinion I think you yourself have an issue with your unexpressed strangeness and seek to work it out through others. Which is why you are attracted to weirdness and find a partner and employees who do this for you.”
His wife is now folded over the table with laughter saying; “Yes.” And he looks sheepishly, caught and ganged up upon. A second later there 2 weird women where looking at him, both purposely pretending to be stone faced and unyielding: Go face your own darkness. Yes! You! Bwaaaahahahahahaaaaaa!!!!
While writing this I go back and forth between Facebook and this page and I realise that I walk alround in the energy of the jester. Specifically at work where I, when leaving early this week told my boss that I was “off to go play outside”. Which was repeated to me the next day by several other collegues who asked if I was “going to play outside again” when I left early. Well, while thinking that I read upon an article which says:
And then there is the real life concept of the court jester, who by their sheer honesty were rumored to have been able to speak freely to the monarch without finding themselves thrown in the dungeon or beheaded.
Ghegheghe, well, can’t depend on that working for ever. Guess I’m not at court although the powerstructures of a company do not look very different I guess. And I’m not always the jester and the other is not always the king / queen who can tolerate the jester. The jester lives by speaking the truth and therewith gains power but it is not wise to either diminish the power OR to act upon it other than by speaking ‘the truth’. And a king or queen can only feel comfortable when respect is shown, always. Dangerous territory. I guess I’ll find out the consequences when I go off the trail.
Somewhere in the last several years I have decided to be who I am and live with the consequences. It has to do with not being able to lie anymore about who I am. About wanting to become clear and visible and not have hide things which somehow energetically get in the way. I’m thinking being tactfull will automatically follow when I am confronted with the consequences of this ‘choice’. Not sure it is a choice because the path I have set on with becoming sober, was not so much a path of sobriety but a path of becoming clear, becoming me. Showing myself to myself as I am and to the world as I am. Not hiding. Not being ashamed anymore. Not putting all the past hurt between me and the world and reacting from that. Not drinking is a part of that, a very important part. When drinking I could not do this. Drinking is actually a ‘tool’ to accomplish the opposite of this. Now I write all this down I realise that I am NOT following my path most of the time. That I am hiding. That I am stuck in old patterns, hiding from myself in Netflix and chocolate.
Another thing which is related to the hiding is this feeling of ‘faling into my body and time’ which I experience more often lately. I believe I have written about this before but there are moments of absolute clarity which I experience ever so now and then. The physical experience is one of suddenly falling into my body.
Well, yeah, that is it. Falling into my body and realising time and surroundings and everthing I experience is real. It is a sort of down the rabbithole experience I guess. That everything is ‘of essence’ – I have few words here. I have experienced this ultimate ‘being’ during an Ayahuasca session years ago and I guess that is exactly what life is about and where I do not want to be. This clarity, transparrance I am looking for is that.
Ha! I guessed I had always thought if I were to be ‘there’ where I am ‘without fault because clear and transparrent’ I would be perfect. I know realise I am, but not in the way I want it. I am because that is the state in which everybody is what they are meant to be and with that comes the acceptance of the differences, tendencies and flaws. I thought I would be clear and impersonal but I’m guessing (actually not guessing, feeling my way through all the possibilities and picking one which alligns with what I think is True) that is not the idea. Finding again that the idea is to be aware – and this means to me to be with my core/ to be my core and not be thrown about by my emotions but to observe them as I would ships on the horizon of the sea. Being clear is NOT another way of not being, of not feeling, not existing – like addiction wants to pursue. Funny that within the solution I immediately planted the seed of addiction, of not wanting to be, of not experiencing while calling it clarity. Guess it takes 1014 days of sobriety to realise that. 😀
When I quit drinking I realised that I drank because I do not want to live, I do not want to feel, I do not want to be aware. Life for me is just ‘too difficult’ it ‘hurts too much’. In the moments that I did care about myself I realised that clarity, transparence, awareness are the opposite of addiction and these are ‘simple’ goals to reach for. I mean it is simple to, with every action I take, ask: does this make things clear or do I hide things. Netflixing is hiding. But taking care I sleep well is making things clear. Chocolate is hiding, oppressing, eating healthy is caring and allowing my body to be here. Lying abouth stuff is hiding and sets me on a bad energeticaly path.
The issue I have is that with working, so much stuff is going on in the daily level of life that I do not feel that I can go to this level of realisation. So I guess having a 32 hour contract is good. 🙂 Let’s see where that brings me. 🙂 I still have not re-read my posts over the last 1014 days. Well, some, but not more than 20 or so. Do you re-read your own posts?
The bookstore man is back in the world. Heard from a mutual friend that he had been (almost) diagnosed with schizofrenia. Which I think, in my not so humble opinion, and not being a doctor, is utter bullshit. When a highly, highly sensitive, traumatised, overworked person in a difficult financial and personal situation (no money, no house, father in hospital) like him smokes as much pot as he does OBVIOUSLY things turn strange in the head. Specifically pot because that in itself has qualities for opening up to the sub(?)conciousness, it makes that boundaries fall even quicker than ‘only’ and addiction does. Alcohol closes the mind, pot opens it. And that does not help when overly sensitive and tired. Doctors do NOT understand the power of addiction. There, my not so humble opinion. The inbetween friend told me to get in touch with the bsm but I read his (public) Facebook posts and the bsm is not in a good place. And bwaahahaha, obviously not waiting for me to tell him to quit smoking. Neither was the inbetween friend. He keeps on trying to push smoking pot on me because ‘you are so stressed’. He is not a good friend. I felt sorry for him when he came to be in a wheelchair due to a hemorrhadge but I have little patience with his attitude towards life an addiction. I am ok with people who recognise their addiction and are able to look at it – wether or not they are changing it. I am very intolerant of people who are diminishing their problems, hiding, lying. Well, being the addict I despise in myself. Sorry world. I think this aspect would make me a bad addiction counseler for instance. And it is a reason why I don’t want to work directly with addicted people. And yes, changing my carreer to that has crossed my mind but I quickly abandoned it for exactly that reason. I don’t really see why I would have to anyway. I do realise I am rather unattractive, unforgiving and just plain not nice here. I am guessing letting my weird light shine here openly and not only speaking of where sobriety is fantastic is my way of giving back. Haha, I do feel quilty though. There is this agression building up in me, making me want to justify myself. But (but, but, but, but, but she moaned) I am much more at my place in a company than in social service. Now (mis?) using my judgemental issues to not do stuff. 😀 Let’s turn it around: is there anybody her who would (have) like(d) me to be their sponsor / counselor? Please also say ‘No’ when you think ‘No’. 😀
Different subject: I had a dream last night. The other day ‘my’ therapist and I spoke about warding the world off, or being closed off, being untouchable. As I see it, I make a lot of noise on the outside as to ward people off. To not let them come close. I do it with oversharing, I do this with long long posts, with voicing my opinion loudly; and in those actions there is a quality that has to do with dominance, with keeping people where they are. Somehow I think this warding things off is related to having lost my twin brother and being ‘forced’ to physically take up his remains and living through the traumatic experience of him (me) dying next to me. In the sudden rememberance of this experience I felt my natural boundaries break. That hurt. And I have not gotten them back but I did replace them with all kinds of methodes to keep people out.
I also think this inability to be touched, to be fluid, to be transparent in me results in high bloodpressure. Not saying that is true for others. Not even sure it is true for me but it feels like a fitting and working theory. High bloodpressure is the bodies reaction to nutrients not being able to get into the cell, so the heart pumps up the pressue to force things trough the cellular wall. That would allign with me starting off with: “To my not so humble opinion” and then blast people away. This loudness. Sorry to the world 😦 . Ok, sorry. Learning here.
So now I am taking a Schuessler salt Selenium which physically helps the take up of nutrients in the cell. Let’s see where this brings me. And, last night I dreamed about the subject. Not sure what the story was about. There was a guy and a tiny green frog-dragon-manlike, toy-like, plastic-like living intelligent animal monster and we needed to contain it otherwise it would hurt itself in the civilised world (hey, how can it ever be UNCLEAR?!). I kept on picking up the dragon man thing and trying to put it in a cage, while thinking: if the world were more natural he could just live freely. And ‘I do not agree with what I do here because it is not good, but letting go is not good either because he will be run over by a car.’ The boy/man in the dream kept on urging me to take care of the thingy and I kept on tightening my muscles as to not let his energy and existance in. I do so in some layer under my skin. Need to look it up if that is really possible. Warding stuff off. Continuously, always. I never relax. Always tense. Never satisfied and content. Guess addiction comes easily to a person with a structure like that. And it keeps it up because substance abuse promises relaxation but addiction is about hiding, suppressing, running. Just as awareness looks difficult but actually relaxes. How is this? I keep on having this image of a coin spinning in my head: things which are and are not. Addiction and awareness, currently I see them as 2 sides of the same coin. Not sure if it is the correct image. And not sure what the essence of the coin is.
The image does reflect perfectly what I experience with falling into my body, into existence the one second and falling out of it the next. I guess this is how learning processes like these go. Not content with the coin laying still in the end but I guess I also need to realise that at some point in life it will become more and more difficult to let coins spin in order to make them fall on the ‘good’ side.
Enough for today. Not reading back. No spell check.
I am happy that I quit. I have not thought about this for a very long time so I guess it is time to touch base again. For me being happy that I quit is the essence of ‘long’ term sobriety. I once read that 2% of the addicted people ‘makes it’ to a year in one go. 1% ‘Makes it to 2 years’ in one go. That sounds difficult but I am guessing the thing is to make sure one belongs to the 2% and then to the 1% and then to the…. And then again, as anybody I am only a few steps away from the abyss. 😦
I feel I am not forgiving towards others or to myself. Guess I see forgiving as dangerous. Not sure I am lucky that I got ‘out’ relatively easy or that I should start owning it more. I still feel that with owning it, I give it too much attention because it is not about quitting drinking, it is about living again. Quitting drinking is only a part of that and that is ok. I am still ‘having trouble’ learning to be not selfdestructive. Learning to be aware. Or maybe I should rephrase the ‘having trouble’ and be happy about what is going well. Not be discontent about what is not. Such chagrin in such a rich Western world where, compared to others, I am guessing my life is pretty easy. Or not. Don’t know. All these opinions, they are not neccessary. Sigh. No, sighing, not neccessary.
Just for the records: currently I feel like replacing the ‘I am happy that I quit’ with ‘I quit drinking alcohol’.
A woman who loves herself would…. would do a spell check and possibly add a part of another unpublished blogpost in here because it feels like that needs to come out too and then? Would she finally clean her house? Would she eat healthy? Would she go outside? Why do I not want to wake up in this world? Or in other words: why does it seem so difficult? Or do you experience the same?
Ok. Food time. This is going nowhere. 🙂
I wish you a nice Pinksteren / Pentecost. 🙂 May the holy spirit leave you some inspiring thoughts. 🙂 And if you have time I would be really pleased if you could answer some of the above questions which are spread throughout the text. Simultaneously press ‘Ctrl’ and ‘F’ and search for the ‘?’ and Enter will bring you to them.