Denial, finance, accepting help and speaking about addiction

Well, I guess this is what I got sober for: last weekend my sister-in-law came over and we organised my finances. It feels as big as quitting drinking. Denial, denial, denial. And now it is (partially) lifted (NEW!) I say partially because we organised and got an overview, nothing has been done to solve the situation yet but the beginning is there.

I also told her about my drinking problem. NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW NEW – she is the first person in my personal life apart from the store man – who is not connected to my usual ‘scene’ whom I have told. Not sure if she will tell my brother. I purposely did not ask her not to, but I don’t know the purpose. – that I was addicted and had to stop. She said she knew I drank more than her but pinned it down to the social acceptable amount. I am guessing I hid pretty well. I was so happy when she said ‘I think it is very good that you stopped drinking.’ We also spoke about me blowing my mothers inheritance on a business concept that did not work out. Without hesitation she said: Don’t worry about that, you have grown so tremendously over the last years and learned so much and done so much, I’m thinking the money helped you do that. And now we need to find a way for you to earn money again.

It is all very, very different – good in a way, but very new. Denial functions as a shield for me, that is now partially gone. I feel like the cadis larvae again without the shield – it does feel free but also very vulnerable. It is another step in ‘getting clear’ and dealing with the denial that I create. I have this strong feeling that I got sober to have this experience. I also told her about the abuse in my childhood, the ‘stand there and watch function of my brother in that’ which funny enough finally gave me a possibility to be present in my lower abdomen. NEW! Which is good, but I’m shaken. Not bad, just all very new and overwhelming and walking in a terrain I don’t know or I don’t know, something about me is NEW. Need a lot of sleep – not getting it

And…. by reaching this tremendous stepping stone I also know learned a little about ‘this too will pass’ – which is a lesson I did not take yet. NEW!!  And….. the: ask for help one. NEW!!! God that was hard. The shame. The pride. Feeling helpless. Experiencing failure. The not having an answer to anything. The not knowing. The lack of control. Aaaaaaargh……. It is like admitting that I needed to quit all over again. I cried. A lot. Now I need to let it settle but I did something stupid there and did not pay attention to letting it settle.

I agreed to meeting a friend in the park yesterday while I needed a forest day, should not have done that I need maximum self-care and nature, not being. So today my day exists of paying bills, following up on a network conversation, dealing with feelings all over the place, mainly panick about the cat whose urinary infection does not improve and who started sneezing heavily yesterday. I am fearing cat flu which is untreatable and lethal. So I stayed up till 01:00 to find homeopathic remedies online yesterday and lo and behold, her attitude change from lazy and hanging about to active when active and resting when resting. 🙂 I’m going to the vet this afternoon, yeah, extra bills I am not looking forward to.

The story with the teenager with her abused friend blew up totally with different mothers and friends politely and less politely accusing each other of lying. Looking at the facts I am afraid my teenage friend has been played by a borderline girl she’s in love with. The photo’s of bruises where fake. Photo’s of the girl stitching herself up seem to be real.

Realising, with everything going on, including the construction workers outside making a hell of a lot of noise, I am thinking mainly that if I don’t take life into my own hands, it will run away with me. Not sure how to deal yet apart from gheghe, doing what I have to do.

All in all, can’t say I’m ‘fine’ but I am happy that I quit mostly because I get the idea I am FINALLY stepping into the time and space and learning experiences I was born for. All these first chakra things about money, house, work, safety. And that is good, not very comfortable, but good and very NEW. I am thinking of changing my name into ‘building’ or something like it. Only Feeling is not doing the thing anymore.

On sugar: I have been without sugar for I believe 30 days now excluding two, one with honey for my throat and one with sugar because of addiction. Funny that I have unpurposely not eaten meat for 2 weeks. Had some eco chicken wings yesterday and I turned out to be not really interested. Strange, strange, strange. A few months ago I started the clean eating too (no sugar, no additives, loads of veggies) and also automatically lost appetite for meat. I can not accept yet that my road of addiction is leading me to excluding every food or behavior that is addictive or deals with denial, everything that makes me be unclear. I want to be clear, transparent. Not sure why but that is what I want.

Meat is about denial, when I think about the cow being slaughtered I am appalled. I need to set up boundaries to be able to eat it. Like I set up boundaries to keep the panic about the finances out; big time denial. So I am guessing not eating meat is on my road but shit, I still would like to ‘hang on to stuff’ – don’t want to stand all on my own in my own self. 🙂 So there are movements towards clarity and there are movements that want to hold on to the old situation. One thing I’ve learned in sobriety: easy does it. No rushing into stuff, no unbalancing things, setting myself up for failure with difficult diets that cut out everything all at once, easy does it. Ooh, on diet, I am at 80 kilo’s. Which is, if I remember well 1,5 kilo below the ‘weight coming out mail’ a few weeks ago.

On health: discovered I have 3 different types of parasites, possibly from the cat. No wonder my bowels are protesting. Not sure what road to take in getting rid of them; try natural or chemical. I’m a bit afraid of chemical. Need to study that.

I take: nothing

I want: mostly to find in me the rest to let the experiences of this weekend settle and be included in my energetic cell experience / memory too – or whatever that is. That is what it feels like when I change and do new stuff.

I need: I need to let stuff settle. Ok, meditating on that will be good. 🙂

3 Things that went well today: cat’s presence improved Big Time with some homeopathic stuff I gave her after having searched the internet on what exactly she would need for hours. She also started eating again and she is eager to go outside – since she did not sneeze after I gave her the stuff I let her go. She knows better.

I feel like I have stepped into the place where I need to be – which is very fucking scary but I guess it is the way to go. I have changed, the air has changed, the stars seem to have changed – or something like that. I also feel I need to catch up with the stream of last Saturday in order not to lose the connection. Not sure how it works, sometimes I feel like there are energetic streams in life, like infrequent bus lines, and I ‘just’ need to hop on. It feels like learned behavior and karma prevent me from this easy traveling. A friend of mine explained karma as such: all living things and situations in the world have a beginning, a middle part and an end. When we got stuck in a situation somewhere there comes a trauma and our life force wants to end this trauma so we get attracted to the same type of experience – till we solve it. I feel my unsolved things prevent me from hopping on the busses that drive by – heck, they prevent me to see that my bus could be a 5 star zeppelin flying me all over the universe and back! 🙂

Thing 3: this morning I found a whole sack of new earplugs in the back of a drawer, I thought I had run out of them :-). They are very welcome with the construction workers outside.

So… this is what I have been doing and experiencing lately. As you might read in between the lines I need all of my energy and time to myself so I have not been messing in your blogline a lot. But, yeah, happy that I quit. 🙂 About this time around last year I got started with getting introduced to an organisation who was going to help me quit. 🙂 Glad I did, shit that was scary. Ghegheghe, I could not even speak on the phone sometimes. Loads of saying “I am panicking now, I do not know what to say, I can not think.” and “I can not hear what you are saying.” 🙂 Making myself helpable…. I’ve got a few more steps to go but I am getting there. The idea that being helped does not equal being butchered because helpless is getting there.

I wish you a good day / evening.

xx, Feeling