I haven’t been around a lot lately. Reality on finance is catching up on me – denial is still big – even when I am writing this. I also realised what denial does, I tried to explain denial it to my SIL, it goes like this: ‘When I would fully realise the reality I am in I would shatter, fall apart and it feels like I would die. I think to know that I will not really die but it feels like I would. I am not sure if it is a good thing. I put a lot of energy in not having the reality catch up with me so I have the idea that I can function. I would not be able to function if I would realise the shit I am in.’
I did not tell her that I have been there before with having to quit drinking. It is funny to speak about something with detachment but still knowing that it is absolutely true. I think the detachment, the denial, apart from giving me the feeling I can survive, also takes me away from my roots. It is like living exactly next to my core. And again I go into this guilt trip thing where I speak with people and the thought pops up “If only you know what a shitty administrator I am you would not be so nice to me now.” I had the same with drinking. This is how shame and guilt destruct my personality and contact with others. I am starting to understand the mechanism of it now – even though I am to scared to actually experience it. Not sure if SIL understands.
However, I am back on track with the looking for work and being in my professional energy. Maybe that does take some denial ;-). How come? Well, there was this sudden shift in experience and it went like this: I had spoken with the store man about anonymously featuring the speakers of the Recovery2.0 conference in a Recovery subject. I would write 1 or 2 Facebook articles a day, interesting people in the Recovery2.0 because we had worked out that becoming clean and sober is an important step in the path to enlightenment. Loads of people reading the Bagdavadgitha and still drinking 2 bottles of wine in the evening = not good. So on becoming clean and clear. I had written 8 small, anonymous, articles in advance, just to show the tone of voice, to see if there would be a click. While writing these I continuously had the idea: this is good work, but I need to make sure that I do not form a shield out of my recovery. Might sound funny but I see that happen in the sober world and I find it not healthy. Not sure if you recognise it, it is about people warding of experiences and constantly dragging back the conversation to their ‘drinking days and how they have overcome it’. There are people who glorify drinking, there are people who glorify recovery. I find it unattractive. Might have to do with shame. Might have to do with jealousy on their openness. Well, those are just disclaimers, covering my ass. Actually, to me it feels like people asking me to look at their scar. Not attractive. (Yes, yes, I do it too….) I’m thinking more and more that the focus of living healthy should at a certain moment change from the scar to living life.
At the moment of the shift I was in the store and having an interesting, beautiful conversation with the store man and several other people on the subject of personal development, yoga, body posture – all those subjects that make my mind sing. The plan was for the store man and I to go over the articles and see if they needed clarifying or editing but the visitors were not leaving and that gave me time to settle in the feeling I had carried around for a while: am I focussing on the scar too much, am I glorifying recovery to ‘set an example for the store man?’, ‘secretly telling him off with all his knowledge about enlightenment’? I knew I had carried that around in the beginning when I was pissed off about the GF that suddenly popped up. Not anymore :-/. I wanted to share, ok, I wanted to share and impress. :-). But I did not feel like it anymore. Too much time scratching my scab while I should be living again.
So I sat there, fading out a little and I looked at a candle while thinking about continuing or not continuing the writing. I wondered if it were a good decision, I laid down a Tarot deck that was available to see if it held information on what road to go. I and felt the energy of the cards; very low, no entry, closed door. I wondered: is it a good decision to continue and put my energy in this, while looking at the candle. And the candle died. Instantly. No wind. It just made this hissing sound and died. That was unsettling. Pretty dark. Scary actually. Did you ever look at a candle that died spontaneously? Brrrrrr…
It got stranger and stranger because I now mourned about the time I had put in the 8 small articles and started looking for reasons to justify continuing. The store man lighted another candle, just in front of me while I kept trying to justify myself. Again, when I came to the point where I thought, I need to do this (for all the wrong reasons, like living up to the projected expectations of the store man….) I looked at the other candle and it died. The store man asked me what I was thinking about and I said I was wondering if it were a good idea to publish the writing, if it were a good idea to focus on addiction instead of starting to live my life. He said “Yes, can imagine, want some tea?’ And I got a Yogi tea and while I was thinking…. maybe I should move on and really, really focus on money….. the tea label said: ‘Time to leave the past behind.’ And a whole pack of guilt, feeling imcompetent, feeling inadequate, guilt and what have you (what have/had I?) dropped of my shoulders and BAM! Back into competence (with some denial ;-)).
I can call people now and make a connection instantly through the phone and people believe that I have something to offer and lead me further in my quest on where I can show and tell and maybe get a job. NEW!!! I used to have that, well I actually always had the ‘seek and you will find, knock and you will be opened, ask and you will be answered’ until I came to the full-blown addiction where shame and guilt where weighing me down and booze was clouding my judgement. Pfff, don’t want to talk about that anymore…
What else happened? I told the store man I had been in love with him in the beginning. I also told him how me wanting to be in contact with him wiped me of my sober feet and got me into a dark mode – at which I cut the feelings off. Oooh, I also mentioned that this was because of the suddenly appearing GF. It was an interesting and deep conversation about friendship between men and women and how this developing friendship with him helps me deal with my rather aggressive, sexualized and black and white thoughts about men and women. NEW!!! I am happy we can speak openly about these subjects :-), happy we can speak openly anyhow. He’s very good in noticing and naming/mentioning or calling forth energetic (?) changes in people and in conversations. I don’t know the word, it is about speaking with clarity, awareness and without judgement on what happens within and without/between people. He says the same about me. 🙂 The store is a special place, not sure how it works/if it is possible at all but I it is energetically laden (good word?) and special conversations take place there. Often we go to a place where words are accompanied by energy and heard thus. Like all people connect energetically. I put forward that we have that openness towards each other and receive easily so we might try to see if we could speak without words. I think it is possible. It would be an interesting experiment. It is funny to speak/write about this because I do feel things happening but I keep on thinking I don’t have the words to describe it. So I return to where the words are clear and simple, close to my heart and free. 🙂 It is a good place to be. The store man is a good friend.
Further on becoming clear and clean. I worked my ass of yesterday to take care of an application for a project at a head hunter. I was in a good place. And… this morning I woke up and realised that I had blown my energy yesterday and somehow can not ‘just’ continue after doing something that big energetically. I have difficulty coming back to daily life after being focussed in a high tension project for ‘so long’. Yesterday I realised that ‘normally’ I would ‘drink it away’ at the end of the day. But with being on my alcoholfree (9+ months), sugarfree (about 5 weeks minus 3 days) and gluten-free (1 week?) diet really confronts me with the ‘no way out’ principle. Which I know by now is the reason why I ‘must’ follow this road of restriction. This becoming more and more strict on my intake had me worried a little a while ago, I was wondering if I were developing an eating disorder because I really feel that I should do it but I could not find the reason for this pressing drive. Bit scary. Now I think I know that I need to cut things out to find out where I am hiding, where I am still addicted to outside stuff. It is good. It teaches me a lot. And nobody died of not eating gluten. To me the step in becoming clear and losing the fog in my head is as big as with quitting sugar.
Having said that, I got so emotionally, or more energetically mixed up today that I went to buy chocolate AND chips to take me away from the mood I am in. It helped. 😀 And it is very funny to watch this from an observer position. NEW!!! Need to learn to watch the roaming emotions from that position too. I’m often still being thrown all over the place by me. There is improvement, the anger from month 1 to 3 of recovery is gone. Happy for that. No depression reaction to the sugar so far. Let’s see.
What else is new? Aah, since I quit eating sugar I am starting to be more aware of things around me and within me. I am pretty content with this cutting away destructive food groups from my diet. Doctor Mathews Larson says that most people who have been using alcohol for a long time become/are allergic to the stuff their favorite booze is made of. For me that would be wheat (beer). So I’m trying glutenfree, see what it brings. It brings clarity. Like with sugar: I still eat potato chips with 2% added sugar and with the gluten I still add a teaspoon of mustard through my dressing even if it does say ‘might contain traces of gluten’.
I’m up for a network conversation tomorrow, fixed that in 2 minutes which proves me I’m back professionally. Let’s see what will happen.
The cat has been sick for 2 weeks, me giving her her drops, she not improving until I finally did what I think I should have done all these days but somehow did not get to: make broth from water with real meat and add 1 grain of Celtic Salt to it. She dove in and by the looks of it she is doing splendidly now. 🙂 The becoming clear – my goal in life – is to learn to act upon those hunches quicker, not have the fog there. It is like the example of the bus I used the other day: I need to learn to hop on when opportunity passes by.
Aaah, the store man asked me what these busses looked like, and where I would be seated.
‘Just a regular bus and I sit in the 4 seat.’
‘So my girlfriends can join if they want to.’ I realised there were no men in my bus. Ever.
‘Who is driving?
‘No, I’m thinking life knows where it needs to go.’
I am guessing one day this conversation will have meaning. It is interesting to explore such a vision. As it is to explore dreams…
I had another 2 dreams in which I needed to ask for help again. Ghegheghe :-). I can’t remember the 2nd, it had something to do with being attacked. What I do remember is that I was not caught up in the drama and offering myself as a victim but stayed out of the dynamics and went for help. There was little shame or guilt, just a knowing of ‘I can not do this alone so I need to ask for help.’
The second dream was about going to a house in a street where all the houses were connected and the street was caved in (?) like living 20cm from a cliff. I thought I should be polite and take what was left of the road and not go through the houses or the back gardens. Half way I looked down and froze. I remember that my backpack made it difficult to move fluently. Obviously there is some meaning in that too :-). I opened the door behind me and backed up into somebodies living room. There was a boy, I explained him that I had become too scared to walk on. He said ‘Yeah, that happens, we are used to doing it but mainly take the back road.’ And he showed me that path that run through the back gardens. No worries, no shame, no guilt, no judgement. Just accepting what is. 🙂 NEW!!! By the way: I sleep real deep these days. It feels like I sleep deeper every night. I am guessing that is good, I am guessing that my dream life is wanting to develop and become an integral part of my life. I would like that. 🙂 When I started my path of becoming clear I though dreaming and dream analysing would be my next hobby. Oooh, would I love to build a dream temple on a beautiful spot where people could come and dream, speak about it and learn. 🙂
I am guessing there are several layers in these dreams but I just take the one that is most obvious: my dreams teach me to learn to ask for help. That is good. 🙂 I am guessing this is part of becoming clear. Maybe becoming clear is also a way to connect again. Even though I can connect deeply I have always felt I have little connection to others. I expect everybody to secretly dislike me and leave me when they feel like it. But that is a whole new subject and not for now.
I am happy that I quit in a sort of ‘you might want to get used to it and move on with your life’ kind of way.
Three things that went well today: me becoming aware of all the shooting emotions. Not being able to regulate them yet but becoming aware that they are there and very present. The cat peeing medium big pees again. 🙂 And.. pfff, the job research I did I guess.
The other day my traveller-gene played up. I have this gene, well, it feels like a gene, that says ‘leave your goods behind and travel’. It is scary. I don’t want that. It comes popping up every so many years when I am in a deep shit. Not wanting to make a subject of this. Just logging.
I need: to get and stay focussed.
I want: life to be easy but not complaining now but just wishing. I think life should be easier than the path I walk. I’m guessing I need to learn to let go of stuff so I can truly and clearly walk my clear path. Not the, I don’t know, be the ‘traumatized’, confused, malformed me I was/am.
Ooh, btw, I have a new understanding of addiction: addiction is just a misunderstanding of our ways. Remembering that when I put my first steps on the sober road the definition of addiction and the reasons where VERY IMPORTANT and PRESSING and a reason to get into an argument over and feel hurt when somebody said something different. Now the reason is not important anymore, the solution neither, the learning to live clear is. It is funny how this process has many stages which are recognisable in a lot of people. Also funny how I, while not doing the 12 steps, feel that I do touch on subjects which are covered in the 12 steps too.
I take; nothing, but I am using bodylotion again to make my skin a little more attractive, that is very dry. Ooh, yes, I did take Maria Thistle. It is funny but sometimes my liver still hurts. Do you have that too? And I clean my tongue in the morning with a spoon. And I tried the Ayurvedic oil washing/pulling of the mouth – I do think it does something but it is unpleasant. But then I thought that I can take it easy and only start with as long as I can bear it. 🙂
On sugar: something like 5 weeks minus 3 days.
On gluten: 1 week.
On meat: I don’t seem to like meat anymore since I quit sugar. Not sure how that works. I did eat it like 4 times in a month or so but it felt like eating dead animal. The karma thing is starting to bother me. I think it has to do with becoming clear. I am not sure that people are supposed to eat animals. I read once: give a child an apple and a rabbit. It will eat the apple and play with the rabbit. You would be very surprised and possibly scared if it was the other way around. It is my long-term goal to be meat free I think.
Hope you enjoyed reading 🙂 Sorry that I have not been very present on your blogs, I need a lot of time for sorting out my stuff.
Have a nice night / day,