So…..

So, what’s up? Everything. I feel like my life is falling apart and I with it. I’m down with a throat, sinus and maxillary sinus infection – I thought warm milk with honey could not hurt so I drank that, from there I moved into milk with chocolate and sugar and shit, shit, shit is that stuff bad. It took 15 to 20 minutes for me to spiral down into the dark pit I was in before I quit drinking. The cat is sick and I hope it is not serious because I don’t have the money to go to the vet. Somebody stole a very expensive bike lock of mine. Guess they went for the bike but only got to breaking the lock and were disturbed then. Bills are piling up and on top of it all there are 3 painters outside my house (several stories high) painting the woodwork, making a shitload of noise and forcing me to either hide in the dark with the curtains closed or sit in plain view writing this and crying. So just to be on the safe side I had another go at my computerized alcohol desensitization training. πŸ™‚

So this is what happens when I don’t take control. I may be standing still but time moves and life takes over.

2 Days ago I dreamed that a addicted man and women walked into my house through the outside front door, they were high and in for some fun and checking out if I there was anything to take. They had horrible skin, almost zombies. I dreamed that I woke up and was petrified. I tried to yell, no sound came.They chuckled. I realised that I was in no mental position to fight them or tell them to leave so I ran for the door and outside. They replied with even more laughter. I tried to cry for help, no sound came. I decided that no matter how stupid it would sound, no matter how embarrassed I would be, I would cry for help. And I did, I blocked the embarrassment and cried out. There was this wailing sound full of despair and hurt and that at first shamed me even more but I had to block it to be safe. The intruders where almost rolling over the floor of my balcony laughing but I guess, I guess that is what I think is the price to pay for help.

Bystanders did not understand a fuck of what I said but at least I was out in the open, on the street where nobody was going to hurt me physically. Bystanders took no action, just stared at me, confused and embarrassed. I realised that if I wanted help and police I had to call them myself. Another image of the price I think I will pay; nobody gives a shit and I need to do it all by myself anyway.

That dream occurred not yesternight but the night before that. See my surprise when scaffolding was being set up around the building yesterday. Nobody had been informed that painters would come. However, I did not sleep very well last night. And no, I don’t think that the woman and men were real or that this is a predictive dream about burglars.

Financial rock-bottom coming at me fast. I keep on thinking: ‘This is what I got sober for, to deal with this.’ But I still don’t have an inkling of what and how and where. There is nothing in me that wants to go out to into the world and say hi. I am guessing the if the above dream is a representation of how I feel about life, and I am guessing it is, then I can understand that.

I feel I am floating further and further away from the world. My thoughts on how destructive this non-ecological, profit driven society is make me feel an outsider to the whole theater what society calls life. Where ever I go I see people not listening to each other, hurting each other, screaming at each other, living in their addiction. And I am no different. I shop at a large supermarket. When I want to live healthy and sustainable I can only eat 1% of what they offer. I feel I am drifting away. It is so strange to really see the what and how of addiction. Tommy Rosen his definition is about repeating behavior that we know is bad for us. My definition of addiction is ‘Using things, products or behaviour in order to not feel what is actually going on.’

I went to a party this weekend, it was strange. The group was about 40 people including some children. In the end I only helped with the catering. I don’t know, I just don’t like people who drink anymore. I can’t close myself of for their bluntness (yeah projecting) and their forcefulness. Some of the men were obviously looking for the spirited woman with a beer I used to be. I am not that woman anymore. :-/ I do not regret that, but adjusting at parties where I used to be in the centre of things is strange. Specifically when knowing or having heard of the personal problems everybody there seems to be having and then looking at the behavior. I felt like an alien.

The party did give me an opportunity to speak with the parents of an underaged friend of mine who had trusted me with some awful story about sexual and physical abuse of a friend of hers who is in an institution. It gave me the possibility to carry over the responsibility of being the only adult who is aware of this awful situation. The parents would ‘look into it’. What about ‘take care?’ :-/ Well, looking at it from that side I am not surprised I did not really feel like a party. Hmmm. :-/

And now? The next step is to change. :-/ I’m not ready and I don’t know how but I guess I’ll have to.

I am happy that I quit, frustrated with my transfer of denial to the subject of finance.

Things that went well. I wrote this post. I did the desensitization training. I am starting to feel that I need to do stuff to survive. The other day I read this Facebook quote ‘Give the world what you feel is missing from it, this is why you are here.’ I guess, lacking any other direction, I will do that. My course last week went well, I finalised some work that followed the course but finally did not get the reply I was hoping for. I guess that had to do with it being a free course – less commitment.

Pfff, I need to go do stuff. Which is what I need.

What I want: I want this part of my process to be simpler than it feels. I realise now that if I lean into the part where it feels simple, I feel way better. So, stop moaning? Focus on the good? πŸ™‚

I take: some Bach remedies which were actually ment for the cat. Hmmm, that is indeed as weird as it sounds. And some Schuessler salts to deal with my sinuses. I was doing fine with a normal cold until I forgot to care and it went downhill from there.

No uplifting post after all. Thought I would get some insights with writing this. Only a little and not uplifting. Maybe reality is catching up with me. :-/

Hope you are having a good day,

xx, Feeling

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12 thoughts on “So…..

  1. Oh, Hun… I’m sorry you’re sick :(. I’m also sorry that you’re feeling down, and can honestly say that I’ve felt the same over the last couple days. And I’m on vacation, so then I feel GUILTY that I’m feeling down, which only adds to the crappy feelings and snow-balls into a giant cluster…

    But I woke up this morning feeling much better, and I’ve found it to be a reminder that NOTHING in this world is permanent, especially our feelings. Just keep that in mind and try to hang in there, okay? You’re a strong chica and you’ll get through this :). Rooting for you ;).

    Like

  2. Big hug
    Being sick always drags me down too.
    And I also avoids drinkers now. They are either overly emotional or assholes. I don’t need either.
    I think your dream is telling you to ask for help.
    It might feel embarrassing and weird, but it is the only way to protect yourself.
    Consider it. Maybe going to AA and meeting some other sober people might motivate you.
    Or perhaps it’s help from your family?
    Whatever you think you need to take the next steps.

    Doing things alone feels safer, but it is so lonely.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh my friend. I love that Anne talked about your dream, because to me it felt just like that – that you are crying out for help, finding your voice, struggling to be heard. We are alike in that we like to try to solve things ourselves, in our own way, our own time, on our own. But it’s true, it can be lonely and feel a bit desperate at times. Perhaps it is time to reach out and ask for help in your situation. Try to imagine…what is the very worst that could happen if I asked? And then realize that the very worst is not very likely to be what would actually happen. πŸ™‚

    If you’re sick then I think that’s affecting how you feel about life in general. You’ve been much more positive and proactive lately than in any time I’ve been reading your blog. You have actually been finding your way, believing in yourself and what you offer the world.

    It seems to be a theme amongst some of us in the last couple of days that there is nothing particularly AMAZING going on in terms of feelings. About life, about sobriety, all is just a bit hum-drum. In the old days (ahem…I mean last year), I would have been getting restless with a lack of excitement. Now I try to realize (not always successful) that every day sober is a step forward…positive change might now always be evident on the surface, but healing from drinking too much takes time, and every day is a drop of light in your bucket.

    I think the lesson is to look for the positive. And when you can’t, remember that this perspective, this moment of looking darkly on the world, will actually pass. We are human after all…with contradictory and at times uncontrollable emotions. We used to drink so we didn’t have to either think or feel. Now we feel the feelings, think the thoughts. Sometimes for people like us those simple, human things can feel unbearable.

    Hold on, breathe, allow yourself to be exactly where you are today. Accept yourself. Accept your situation. And know that every breath brings a new possibility. That might not feel true in this moment, but it is all the same.

    Sending you love and light, my dear.
    D

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh feeling, I’m sorry you are ill and feeling down. Perhaps your dream is telling you to ask for help, like Anne says.
    And it will pass, this feeling. In the meantime, try not to worry about the future – focus on self care. Your body needs rest and time to heal. When you feel well again, then you’ll be able to think about dealing with the other things.
    Take care, feeling. Thinking about you πŸ™‚ xx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Oh you poor love. You’re poorly sick and that makes everything feel like a struggle. It will pass. It will. The only thing for you to do now is to look after yourself, gently and carefully, and concentrate your energies on getting better. And how about looking for some extra support or help as the others have suggested? We can’t do everything by ourselves. You need a bit of looking after. Very best get well wishes from me x x x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Dear Feeling,
    When I get sick, I get down. I don’t even see the connection until it’s too late.
    The worry of finances is a real one.
    Life is hard at times.
    You have been through a lot.
    Everyone gave you some good words of wisdom.
    I am hoping by the time you read this, you are feeling better.
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Dear Feeling,

    Hang in there, you can do it! Change is hard, and I do think that it has to be at least a bit hard to be worth it. Take care of yourself, ignore the painters, and give hugs to your cat!

    hugs!

    Alice

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Being ill takes a serious toll on us emotionally, especially when we’ve been focusing so much on just keeping the momentum going…
    I felt a lot like an alien for a long time. It IS so strange to re-learn everything you thought you knew. But the biggest thing I wanted to say, and I hope this will encourage you, as that’s how it’s meant:
    Feelings aren’t facts.
    I don’t know about you, but prior to sobriety, I lived my life according to how I felt. I never stopped to think, I just reacted to whatever I felt at that moment. This too shall pass, friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Abbie, I agree with you that feelings aren’t facts. Also: facts aren’t feelings. I’m not there yet to differentiate between instinct, intuΓ―tion, feelings that positively set me in motion, cheap sentiments and plain moodyness. I think all feelings, be it moodiness or ‘cheap sentiments’ have value as indicators of what is going on inside and how we react to the world. E.g. I found it very helpful to check out how I emotionally react to alcohol and from there on act upon it to be sober.
      I am guessing that not all the information coming from feelings should be followed up but I’m not sure yet what part of the feelings to not follow up and what part to listen to. Also, I do not always have the ability to cut myself lose from what I am feeling, can’t go in the oberserver mode. But… it will come, in time. πŸ™‚ I’m still in the phase of getting to know what I did not want to feel when drinking.

      Liked by 1 person

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