So, what’s up? Everything. I feel like my life is falling apart and I with it. I’m down with a throat, sinus and maxillary sinus infection – I thought warm milk with honey could not hurt so I drank that, from there I moved into milk with chocolate and sugar and shit, shit, shit is that stuff bad. It took 15 to 20 minutes for me to spiral down into the dark pit I was in before I quit drinking. The cat is sick and I hope it is not serious because I don’t have the money to go to the vet. Somebody stole a very expensive bike lock of mine. Guess they went for the bike but only got to breaking the lock and were disturbed then. Bills are piling up and on top of it all there are 3 painters outside my house (several stories high) painting the woodwork, making a shitload of noise and forcing me to either hide in the dark with the curtains closed or sit in plain view writing this and crying. So just to be on the safe side I had another go at my computerized alcohol desensitization training. 🙂
So this is what happens when I don’t take control. I may be standing still but time moves and life takes over.
2 Days ago I dreamed that a addicted man and women walked into my house through the outside front door, they were high and in for some fun and checking out if I there was anything to take. They had horrible skin, almost zombies. I dreamed that I woke up and was petrified. I tried to yell, no sound came.They chuckled. I realised that I was in no mental position to fight them or tell them to leave so I ran for the door and outside. They replied with even more laughter. I tried to cry for help, no sound came. I decided that no matter how stupid it would sound, no matter how embarrassed I would be, I would cry for help. And I did, I blocked the embarrassment and cried out. There was this wailing sound full of despair and hurt and that at first shamed me even more but I had to block it to be safe. The intruders where almost rolling over the floor of my balcony laughing but I guess, I guess that is what I think is the price to pay for help.
Bystanders did not understand a fuck of what I said but at least I was out in the open, on the street where nobody was going to hurt me physically. Bystanders took no action, just stared at me, confused and embarrassed. I realised that if I wanted help and police I had to call them myself. Another image of the price I think I will pay; nobody gives a shit and I need to do it all by myself anyway.
That dream occurred not yesternight but the night before that. See my surprise when scaffolding was being set up around the building yesterday. Nobody had been informed that painters would come. However, I did not sleep very well last night. And no, I don’t think that the woman and men were real or that this is a predictive dream about burglars.
Financial rock-bottom coming at me fast. I keep on thinking: ‘This is what I got sober for, to deal with this.’ But I still don’t have an inkling of what and how and where. There is nothing in me that wants to go out to into the world and say hi. I am guessing the if the above dream is a representation of how I feel about life, and I am guessing it is, then I can understand that.
I feel I am floating further and further away from the world. My thoughts on how destructive this non-ecological, profit driven society is make me feel an outsider to the whole theater what society calls life. Where ever I go I see people not listening to each other, hurting each other, screaming at each other, living in their addiction. And I am no different. I shop at a large supermarket. When I want to live healthy and sustainable I can only eat 1% of what they offer. I feel I am drifting away. It is so strange to really see the what and how of addiction. Tommy Rosen his definition is about repeating behavior that we know is bad for us. My definition of addiction is ‘Using things, products or behaviour in order to not feel what is actually going on.’
I went to a party this weekend, it was strange. The group was about 40 people including some children. In the end I only helped with the catering. I don’t know, I just don’t like people who drink anymore. I can’t close myself of for their bluntness (yeah projecting) and their forcefulness. Some of the men were obviously looking for the spirited woman with a beer I used to be. I am not that woman anymore. I do not regret that, but adjusting at parties where I used to be in the centre of things is strange. Specifically when knowing or having heard of the personal problems everybody there seems to be having and then looking at the behavior. I felt like an alien.
The party did give me an opportunity to speak with the parents of an underaged friend of mine who had trusted me with some awful story about sexual and physical abuse of a friend of hers who is in an institution. It gave me the possibility to carry over the responsibility of being the only adult who is aware of this awful situation. The parents would ‘look into it’. What about ‘take care?’ Well, looking at it from that side I am not surprised I did not really feel like a party. Hmmm.
And now? The next step is to change. I’m not ready and I don’t know how but I guess I’ll have to.
I am happy that I quit, frustrated with my transfer of denial to the subject of finance.
Things that went well. I wrote this post. I did the desensitization training. I am starting to feel that I need to do stuff to survive. The other day I read this Facebook quote ‘Give the world what you feel is missing from it, this is why you are here.’ I guess, lacking any other direction, I will do that. My course last week went well, I finalised some work that followed the course but finally did not get the reply I was hoping for. I guess that had to do with it being a free course – less commitment.
Pfff, I need to go do stuff. Which is what I need.
What I want: I want this part of my process to be simpler than it feels. I realise now that if I lean into the part where it feels simple, I feel way better. So, stop moaning? Focus on the good? 🙂
I take: some Bach remedies which were actually ment for the cat. Hmmm, that is indeed as weird as it sounds. And some Schuessler salts to deal with my sinuses. I was doing fine with a normal cold until I forgot to care and it went downhill from there.
No uplifting post after all. Thought I would get some insights with writing this. Only a little and not uplifting. Maybe reality is catching up with me.
Hope you are having a good day,