Nick Ortner produces a movie on tapping, it is now online and free here. In the movie they teach 10 people with different backgrounds in physical and emotional pain to tap. Theory and practise are mixed. Haven’t seen the full lot yet but what I have seen was interesting.
Also in the free range: a digital yoga conference from Yoga International. Click here and then the orange button at the top of the screen.
This morning I spend trying to gain some insight in what happened that last days. I asked the I-Tjing why I got fired. The answer was hexagram 22: driven by perfectionism. Hmmm… Not exactly new :-D.
Secondly came the question ‘Could it have been prevented?’: with the answer hexagram 10: ‘You overstepped the rules.” Line 3: ‘You are ambitious but you did not pay attention to the human interactions’. That would be the story of my life. Apart from that it used to take me 3 years to decide that I should leave – not 3 days to get fired.
What now? Not sure. I woke up at 5:00 this morning with a brilliant business idea based on my former consultancy job. Having this personality, finding how difficult it is to change, even when I am sort of aware of it… I think it is a wise choice not to do this on a salary base for a while. But maybe I need more time to think things trough. Maybe I am avoiding processing this. Don’t know.
I am happy that I quit. Not feeling urges to drink. Did actually buy a Dutch magazine which is totally about alcohol. Let me know if you would like more info on that. While in line at the supermarket I in front of me was a group of boys buying a lot of beer and behind me a women with a bottle of wine and something what looked like a sad snack meal. I study my internal reactions. Different feelings flood me. It starts with recognition in a ‘it takes one to know one’ way. What follows is worry and pity but also judgement and irritation like ‘You stay away from me with your dirty addict aura and get that poison away from me.’ Yes. Sorry.
How I used to hate standing in line at the counter with my beer and see people see me. I remember and realise now that I would picture having friends over in the evening so I would project this idea outwardly. Here I was, thinking I did not lie all that much about drinking. Trying to feel the energy of shame, being with it. This is what addiction did to me. This is what I let addiction do to me when I did not listen to my feelings. The feelings of shame could have told me it was not a good road to travel but I did not stop. I pushed the shame out of my existence. Do you know that feeling? Of pushing things out of the current state of mind. Like anxiety over anything: I just push it out of reach – when I can. I guess that is one way of how I deal with denial.
I need: to get my act together and organise my life.
I want: I feel pretty stable but workwise I switch between hiding and fighting, it changes every second. I have ‘allowed’ myself to not do anything today and be sad if I needed to. Went to bed at 03:00 something last night. It’s a bad concept btw, staying up late while feeling miserable.
I take: Schuessler cell salt against a frozen shoulder. Or I guess that’s what I’ve got. Cold, cold, cold, cold but burning pain in both my shoulder caps and nasty pain when lifting the arm above shoulder level. I think I have been doing my shoulder opening exercise too much – but it could also be the frustration about not being able to give it a (my!) go at my job. I also ate some chocolate, but not actually liking it as I used to which, funny enough, is a reason to feel sorry for myself. All this Schuessler cell salt eating changes my cravings and now I don’t have them as bad but that also means that I don’t have something -from the outside!- to comfort me. It sucks to be enlightened ;-). I burn candles and incense and maybe, maybe I could pick up the idea that possibly being around people would lift me up. But it doesn’t. Don’t want to see people, need to repair inside first.
I fear: to face family and friends and tell them I’ve been fired. Aaah, tomorrow is the 1st of April. Pffff, that’s making it funny. I’m sad. I don’t want to fit out all the time. I know it is within me but I just, don’t know. Don’t have an entry to being normal.
The wind blows 110km per hour today in the Netherlands. I get the feeling that my (ex) boss is changing her mind. Let’s see if that is idle hope or truth. Future will tell. 🙂
I wish you all health and prosperity and of course a beautiful sober day.