In how many ways can life suck?

Not sure in how many ways life can suck. There are others who are off worse than I am. :-(. Today my new boss called that she would not like to continue the job contract. And my bankaccount ran out of money which means that I am up to my last bit of savings which will carry me 2-3 months max.

My boss found that I had been busy too long to improve one series of samples and that this job ‘would not work’ because I am too perfectionist. The word that she was not using but ran through her language was: slow. When I explained the problem to her I realised that she had no knowledge of the problem and that she does not know the whole problem would not even have been there if she had done the prewhatever work to (my!!!) standard (s). 😦 I thought she would have picked up on that since she was cc-ed in the solution. I was at 1/3 of my normal speed due to having to work out the process, and work around issues that would normally be taken care off and also due to me not being used to the computer system they work in. But 1/3 and a good solution is ok for a first day or? She informed me that it was nothing personal and that all of the staff would have enjoyed me staying there. She really appreciated ‘fell for’ πŸ™‚ my openness. That’s a sweet thing to say. πŸ™‚

I answered that the perfectionist part is exactly what I wanted to learn and that I had more difficulty than I would have expected with having to follow a given path. After being a consultant who everybody listened to… that takes some work. :-/ I also added that I feel we had not finished learning from each other. That does sound weird but it fitted ok in the conversation. I said that I would appreciate if she would re-consider, that I thought I still some stuff to add – I referred her to my to-do list of projects that needed to be picked up to develop a work process (God…. consultancy speach). I had written these down in between as to not let me distract it from what I was doing at the moment. And that I expect to be up to speed once I get the systems and (lack off solid) procedures worked out.

NO I did not mention the ‘lack of solid’!Β  I finished with saying that I would gladly return and welcome a call to say so. Obviously she has not called (yet). Somehow I think she is still thinking about it. Would be strange though. I would demand being able to do things my way, otherwise it would not work.

Is it difficult? At the time of the conversation not because I had been expecting this. But now it is difficult.

Do we hear perfectionism and consultancy ‘solutions’ all over the place? Yes. My new definition of perfectionism: the wish / urge to gain a right to exist by solving every problem with looking for, working on the best possible solution, regardless of the consequences. Maybe not only solving every problem, seeing problems is part of it too. Falling flat on my face over this one. Bleahgh!!!

It hurts and I am scared. Doubting if I will ever be able to just fit in somewhere. I have difficulty to and be myself and fit in, had it all my life. I don’t know, I just started to believe that maybe I could fit in. I wish I had had more time to get used to her way of thinking and solve things her kind of way. I’m don’t know. It hurts. And the lamp above my head just broke. FUCK THIS!

All my friends were working so I went to see the store man. He had BrenΓ© Brown on the stand on the coffee table. :-). On perfectionism…. Sigh. Yes that place is special. I don’t know right now how to continue workwise. I am sad and I am lost.

I am however happy that I quit drinking so I do not have to feel guilty and blame me secretly. So that I can live through this. Aah fuck it. Happy that I don’t drink. Actually, actually I am also very disappointed that this happened because I have somehow connected the job to being sober. I sort of thought it was a reward for me. No, not looking for a drink because of being desillusioned. :-/

I want: for things to be easy, and a shitload of money.

I need: I guess I need to connect with people and tell somebody in real life who I am actually connected to but I can’t. I feel so sad. I can’t speak about it.

I take: well, chocolate, tea and cheese. Yes that IS awfull together. Have separeted it now.

I fear: poverty and the despair that comes with that. I fear never to be able to fit in. Be the odd one out for the rest of my life. It hurts.

Going to watch some feelgood movie here. Pat the cat who has been walking around restlessly.

Have a nice evening / day! Hope it is better than mine. πŸ˜‰

xx Feeling (sad)

Advertisements

27 thoughts on “In how many ways can life suck?

  1. Hug. I hope she reconsiders and things work out.
    Being sober is a big factor to hoe you have responded to her call and outlined possibilities for my bong forward. That’s very impressive.

    I’m think of you.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Dear Feeling,
    Big hugs from me, too!
    You did handle that well!
    She sure didn’t give you much time! YIKES!
    xo
    Wendy

    Like

    • Thank you Wendy. πŸ™‚ And no, that’s the business I’m in. Short timelines everywhere. I spoke with one friend who was very clear on me being a perfectionist, he says: make sure you either deal with it or find a job where you can live it out, otherwise you’ll just get hurt. :-/ For now I’m guessing he’s right. Need to let stuff settle, hear some more opinions and deal with it. 😦
      Why is it so that life always asks us to deal with the stuff we exactly do not want to deal with? πŸ˜‰

      Like

      • Have you read the gifts of imperfection (I am forever commenting about it so I now assume everyone has. Lol)? If not clearly Brene brown is in your future. Her definition of perfectionism is in my journal. Because I always saw it as an asset, until I realized just how hard I was making my own life!

        Liked by 1 person

      • I haven’t read it, but it keeps on popping up, funny enough today too at the bookstore where it was on the table I sat down to. :-/ Guess it’s time. I’m not seeing it as an asset anymore, more as a mixed up way of trying to avoid something / trying to get control over something.
        BB’s definition, pasting it in here for others to read too: β€œPerfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: β€œIf I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.”
        I don’t have the ‘everything’ (check out my house…), I only have the work part of it. Guess I had the school part of it too. Time to get the book. πŸ™‚
        Thank you for your comments and support. πŸ™‚

        Like

      • This is my life bible. She has a way of making all my life issues seem normal and changeable.
        It’s an easy read and a how to. Even my husband likes it. And that’s a big compliment as he is NOT a self help guy.
        It’s worth the time!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Oh feeling. I don’t know what to say …… how on earth does she know after such a short space of time? It feels very harsh 😦 Big hug to you xx

    Like

    • It does feel harsh. And I have not yet totally worked out where I messed up so it still feels a little random. Guess when days pass I’ll see where I fucked up. Well actually, it is exactly in my writing. Just not willing to accept it yet. 😦

      Like

    • Thank you Waking Up :-). I fear that if she fired me she does not see an asset part :-(. I’ll mail her tomorrow, see if she changes her mind. Not sure how to proceed after that though. Not sure if I can ‘keep up appearances’ or ‘find my cool’ or even ‘trust myself’ in her company after this.

      Hmmm, life is so much easier when things go as I want them. :-/

      Like

  4. I felt a little tug at my heart when i read this. Im so so sorry.
    But, i have to say the truth, i really believe in you and am SO impressed by how you reaponded to your boss and asking for another chance. That is BRAVE. You are so brave. I just know more good things are on their way. We never know why shitty things like this happen until something more cool happens around the corner. You were meant to have this position and go through this shit bc you are being prepared for something bigger. You are amazing and wonderful and brave. Thank you for sharing your journey with us!!! Xo

    Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s