I had to do something at work yesterday and I studied the whole subject, found 3 ways that turned out to not work and then the it was end of the day. Boss was not in so I left her a mail saying that I wasn’t there yet. Now I feel insecure and I notice that all my other insecurities come popping up like a handkerchief out of the sleeve of a magic man. Tarot showed the Hanged man, which figures. 😦
I feel very insecure about myself and what I can do, while in reality I have about 5 times as much knowledge as any other in my position I still feel that I can’t do the job because I am not ‘good enough’. I guess my years of drinking and have allowed me to hide in knowledge and seeking the answer in knowledge without working on what is on the inside – work out why the base is rotten. My intuition still says: ‘Tremendous growth when you keep afloat’ but I really need to work on that. So happy it is only a 3 day job.
When I’m in a low I find it very difficult to take care of myself. I feel like I don’t deserve it and don’t even bother. Sort of ‘I’ll politely die in the corner so I won’t bother any of you.’ Not proud of this defeatism. At the beginning of getting sober I already thought that the difficulty for me is not getting sober, it is getting back into society. Well, here it is.
And here’s my alter ego Feeling and how she (moi) works through it. It’s typical ‘Feeling my way back into life’. I was lost and asked myself what I wanted and said: beautiful music. So I youtubed beautiful music and came to beautiful music for the soul and…. it started of with asking if I had confidence problems. Hell yeah! So I went to their website, read some, saw some beautiful diagrams and came up peacefully enough to realise that I could do some tapping. NEW! 🙂 Did that with Brad Yates, beautiful where he says ‘Let go of all the panic now, and all the way back to the past’. That heals things. Then I continued with ‘Tapping on insecurity’ but actually moved to ‘tapping on feeling like a fraud’ because that is what I think I am professionally. Not that I am, but I always feel people might discover something I don’t know and can’t solve and ieeeeeeeh! Perfectionism, driven by fear of failure. So, did that, felt better and then moved to Facebook where somebody just posted this beautiful post on ‘Feeding your demons’ – an ancient way to speak with your demons. Said to be working against addiction and anxiety so: GIVE IT TO ME!
And in the text I learned that I need to read this – or I take these signs as such because they were speaking of ‘wants and needs’ just as I had typed up my wants an needs for today and realised again and again that in sobriety, in life, it is important to make the distinction. And so says the text. The method is from Chöd and 900 years old. Still important today. 🙂
It’s very important that these questions make the distinction between wants and needs, because many demons will want your life force, or everything good in your life, or to control you, but that’s not what they need.
I spoke with insecurity and she just wants to be loved.
I am happy that I quit, not quite thankful yet because I want things to be easy. And I notice that in my mind I make the difficult. Yes, I actually prefer them to be difficult so I don’t have to move where I don’t want to go. It’s like being school-sick. Aaah, that’s how I notice, I heard a woman speak about how she tried to solve things and she kept on focussing on how impossible it was. I do that too. The other day I was at the store and I say to the store man: ‘I just want things to be simple!’ And he looks at me and asks: ‘Do you really?’ Well, no, actually, I want things to be so difficult that I can’t move and others can not move too so the world stands still and I can finally catch up, or, don’t know, it’s all moving too fast. People are moving too fast and ignoring things that are important and make me feel insecure when they do that because what if it the things happened to me? So… sabotage. Still, happy that I quit otherwise I would have been walking in circles still and that’s not a good feeling. 😦
I want: things to be easy, and I’ll practise that from now on.
I need: to go to bed.
I take: brought down the Schuessler pills to 9 for bowels only. And made one for lymphatic system with some aloe vera to be put on the body after showering. These things work through the skin too. So very nice to put some uplifting stuff in there against tea bags and hanging eyelids, crow’s feet etc. It’s working here. I have this 30 something face 😉 with the gray hair now.
And aaaah! Schuessler salt number 7 (might have another number in the USA) with Magnesium is against chocolate cravings – which works. I took 100 gram of chocolate yesterday. It’s funny, I did not even like it. More funny is that I ate it while I did not like it AND it was my favorite chocolate 1,5 week ago. So.. funny things going on there. Also, works out that magnesium deficiency makes people drink alcohol too. So no wonder we all switch to chocolate after. 🙂
A google search brings me to this e-book. Gonna put it on my list! 🙂 Cool, I can download a e-book reader to my iPad! 🙂 Where would I be without the internet.
Still need to get past the idea that I need something from the outside to fix my inside. That part of addiction is not happening very quickly – not that I have looked at it. I’ve only noticed that I do that a lot.
I fear: that I will lose my job in no time because ‘they’ will find out that I am a fraud. 😦 Sad note to finish a post on. Maybe I should add something like: I tackle this with:….. well, currently tapping.
Hope you have a nice day/evening/night!