Insecurity and fear though the Universe supplies

I had to do something at work yesterday and I studied the whole subject, found 3 ways that turned out to not work and then the it was end of the day. Boss was not in so I left her a mail saying that I wasn’t there yet. Now I feel insecure and I notice that all my other insecurities come popping up like a handkerchief out of the sleeve of a magic man. Tarot showed the Hanged man, which figures. 😦

I feel very insecure about myself and what I can do, while in reality I have about 5 times as much knowledge as any other in my position I still feel that I can’t do the job because I am not ‘good enough’. I guess my years of drinking and have allowed me to hide in knowledge and seeking the answer in knowledge without working on what is on the inside – work out why the base is rotten. My intuition still says: ‘Tremendous growth when you keep afloat’ but I really need to work on that. So happy it is only a 3 day job.

When I’m in a low I find it very difficult to take care of myself. I feel like I don’t deserve it and don’t even bother. Sort of ‘I’ll politely die in the corner so I won’t bother any of you.’ :-/ Not proud of this defeatism. At the beginning of getting sober I already thought that the difficulty for me is not getting sober, it is getting back into society. Well, here it is.

And here’s my alter ego Feeling and how she (moi) works through it. It’s typical ‘Feeling my way back into life’. I was lost and asked myself what I wanted and said: beautiful music. So I youtubed beautiful music and came to beautiful music for the soul and…. it started of with asking if I had confidence problems. Hell yeah! So I went to their website, read some, saw some beautiful diagrams and came up peacefully enough to realise that I could do some tapping. NEW! πŸ™‚ Did that with Brad Yates, beautiful where he says ‘Let go of all the panic now, and all the way back to the past’. That heals things. Then I continued with ‘Tapping on insecurity’ but actually moved to ‘tapping on feeling like a fraud’ because that is what I think I am professionally. Not that I am, but I always feel people might discover something I don’t know and can’t solve and ieeeeeeeh! Perfectionism, driven by fear of failure. So, did that, felt better and then moved to Facebook where somebody just posted this beautiful post on ‘Feeding your demons’ – an ancient way to speak with your demons. Said to be working against addiction and anxiety so: GIVE IT TO ME!

And in the text I learned that I need to read this – or I take these signs as such because they were speaking of ‘wants and needs’ just as I had typed up my wants an needs for today and realised again and again that in sobriety, in life, it is important to make the distinction. And so says the text. The method is from ChΓΆd and 900 years old. Still important today. πŸ™‚

It’s very important that these questions make the distinction between wants and needs, because many demons will want your life force, or everything good in your life, or to control you, but that’s not what they need.

I spoke with insecurity and she just wants to be loved.

I am happy that I quit, not quite thankful yet because I want things to be easy. And I notice that in my mind I make the difficult. Yes, I actually prefer them to be difficult so I don’t have to move where I don’t want to go. It’s like being school-sick. Aaah, that’s how I notice, I heard a woman speak about how she tried to solve things and she kept on focussing on how impossible it was. I do that too. The other day I was at the store and I say to the store man: ‘I just want things to be simple!’ And he looks at me and asks: ‘Do you really?’ Well, no, actually, I want things to be so difficult that I can’t move and others can not move too so the world stands still and I can finally catch up, or, don’t know, it’s all moving too fast. People are moving too fast and ignoring things that are important and make me feel insecure when they do that because what if it the things happened to me? So… sabotage. Still, happy that I quit otherwise I would have been walking in circles still and that’s not a good feeling. 😦

I want: things to be easy, and I’ll practise that from now on.

I need: to go to bed.

I take: brought down the Schuessler pills to 9 for bowels only. And made one for lymphatic system with some aloe vera to be put on the body after showering. These things work through the skin too. So very nice to put some uplifting stuff in there against tea bags and hanging eyelids, crow’s feet etc. It’s working here. I have this 30 something face πŸ˜‰ with the gray hair now.

And aaaah! Schuessler salt number 7 (might have another number in the USA) with Magnesium is against chocolate cravings – which works. I took 100 gram of chocolate yesterday. It’s funny, I did not even like it. More funny is that I ate it while I did not like it AND it was my favorite chocolate 1,5 week ago. So.. funny things going on there. Also, works out that magnesium deficiency makes people drink alcohol too. So no wonder we all switch to chocolate after. πŸ™‚

A google search brings me to this e-book. Gonna put it on my list! πŸ™‚ Cool, I can download a e-book reader to my iPad! πŸ™‚ Where would I be without the internet.

Still need to get past the idea that I need something from the outside to fix my inside. That part of addiction is not happening very quickly – not that I have looked at it. I’ve only noticed that I do that a lot.

I fear: that I will lose my job in no time because ‘they’ will find out that I am a fraud. 😦 Sad note to finish a post on. Maybe I should add something like: I tackle this with:….. well, currently tapping.

Hope you have a nice day/evening/night!

xx, Feeling

12 thoughts on “Insecurity and fear though the Universe supplies

  1. That feeling of being a fraud at work, waiting to be found out, is one I recognise. I hope that you have a wonderful sleep and awake feeling your self-value is restored, just as it should be, because you sound pretty awesome to me πŸ™‚ x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes…, need to have a look at these mechanisms that don’t want to stay in the here and now with what is but immediately make it way worse so I can have pitty on me and excuse this and excuse that. Pfffff…. This is where the sober work starts for me. :-/ or :-).

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh my gosh, the suggestion that you want things to be difficult so that you can’t move, or the world stands still and you can finally catch up? Very interesting! It sort of ties in with the perfectionism thing a bit doesn’t it, which I was surprised to find that I may have, recently. To know and recognise these things when we are doing them is amazing progress.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself though. I have felt similar to you are now but I had never done the job before. But the people I work with are brilliant and never once have made me feel like I’m stupid. I’m sure anyone else in your position may would have had the same difficulties, the important thing is that you passed on the info to the boss before you left. You’ve done everything you could and let her know what the result was. You’re doing great! Xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. feelings!!!!! feelings are just feelings and unlike you; they are not real. Its all buzz in the mind and its the addiction thing and it takes so much time to get the right fit for us; and like waking up said – its awesome that you are recognising your thought processes – and not drinking them down! You are doing great! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dear Feeling,
    Hello from Minnesota!
    I loved your demon article.
    I too used to feel very insecure when I was teaching. I always was hard on myself, telling myself I could be, should be better.
    But guess what! YOU ARE PERFECT RIGHT NOW!
    You are a human being and you are sober and you are doing so GREAT!
    Even if you don’t feel like it.
    Feelings can trick us. They can make us believe them.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I could have written this myself, as im going through the same things in my work. Keep telling yourself you are good enough, more than good enough and keep reading what you just wrote – you are more than capable and good enough and worthy. Hope sleep helped you and today is a bright new day:) xo

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Mallards! πŸ™‚ Are you new in a position too or does it have to do with not ‘flushing’ the worries away?

      I need every second and all my attention and that is what I will give it. πŸ™‚

      Sleep is magic since I just sleep through the night. πŸ™‚ It’s wonderful. I had forgotten how awake I could be.

      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Im so glad you are sleeping well! Makes all the difference!
    Im not new to my position, its just my job is always changing and i have to change along with it – also always fighting against the feat that im not good enough. I have to constantly tell myself i am! And you are too as you know:)


    • πŸ™‚ Sounds strange maybe but for me it is good to hear that even people who have been in the same job longer have issues with ‘am I good enough’. Before I started a consumer produce business I was a rather succesful consultant but I quit, for several reasons, one of them was me not feeling well because I always thought I was not good enough. Looking back I think it was already the insecurity and guilt from the drinking seeping in. It is only now that I realise that I have always been very insecure about ‘will I be good enough?’ Funny thing is nobody in real life thinks so because I look like a very self assured (arrogant) know it all. Food for thought. I’m guessing it’s time to start reading BrenΓ© Brown. πŸ™‚

      I’ve never tried to tell me I am good enough. Maybe I should. Not sure it it will work with me. Don’t think I will believe myself if I have not done the utmost. Interesting matter. I never, ever in my life thought about self-worth and perfection together. Scary shit. Time to start to deal.
      Thank you for your comments! It helps me on my way. :-). Have a nice Sunday evening.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes! I love brene brown! I was just thinking that i should read her before bed tonight:) i think it will help us both:) hope you have a good working Monday! Xo

        Liked by 1 person

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