Went to the sauna yesterday from my no-drinking savings. I had not done that for about a year because I felt I was not allowed a good time because I was still drinking. And whenever prepping for quitting (reading Jason Vale, reading on the internet about food, nutrition, relapse, theories about drinking, writing in a diary what happened internally when doing that) I envisioned that I would save my drinking money and go to the sauna.
This first sauna day would be The Change in the process where I would be all warm and loving and happy and renewed and cleansed and I would have all these spiritual experiences that would settle in my body and teach me The Way. Anything else good? You name it, it would be in my day. Oooh yeah, there was a studly stud with brains and emotional development and humor in my vision and we would talk AND I would not be saying stupid things or be me, I would be all holy and whole but in the skinny type of way whole. I actually imagined that I ate the raw vegetable plate when being there. Hmmm, now that should have warned me…
The day actually developed totally different. You are not surprised? I was a little but I am more surprised HOW it developed and how content I was with that. Yesterday started of with me going to the new (newest) GP3 to hand in a urine sample to check for protein and more. My kidneys are still hurting in the morning and I would have thought that to be over by now. They had been hurting for a while but there’s no need to test stuff when drinking heavily in my opinion. The sample needed to be tested within 1 hour so I got up, did my thing and biked to the GP. It was a new experience! It has been ages that I was on the streets that early. Loving it! Beautiful weather and ALL these people with a goal! So I thought I might as well get into the flow and bike the same pace as they, see how it feels. Felt Good. It is amazing what having a goal does. Well, a goal other than procrastinating or writing and blogging to get the crazy out of my body. The thing with not drinking is that it is not a goal. Goals normally feel like doing something, not like ‘not doing something’. Stopping is a goal. Continuing not drinking is just something that I do, like brushing teeth or, dunno, cooking. *Singing ‘don’t sweat the small stuff, keep your chin up… ‘*
Got the sample tested, all of the readings were ok apart from the protein which reading still has to come in.
Biked home, read and watched A hangover free life and the subject (not her post!) sparked anger in me about old stuff that, well, don’t wanna go there again, that is in my post of yesterday.
The sauna here is pretty expensive (33 euro a person), normally I would not worry about that but money is getting tighter and I feel I have an obligation to look after it better (new!). So I went online and looked for discount coupons or actions. Found one, it saved 1/3rd of the money which I immediately relocated into a good lunch at which I thought, it is lunchtime now, why not get a good meal in here so you only do dinner there (new!). I biked to the sauna (new!) Normally I would take the bus because in the evening I would feel too relaxed to want to bike. The entrance to the sauna had changed and this reminded me that I should change my way of entering new situations and in connecting with people (new!) So I pulled myself back against my spine before entering, that gives me the possibility to actually get my bearings, not go in head first as I normally do. I also practised trusting, trusting that the ticket I printed would work (new!) even though I had run out of ink and it was all purple in stead of black, trusting that the woman behind the counter would be willing to work it out if the ticket would not work (new!). Writing this and realizing that trusting that everything would just go well obviously is not a possibility yet 😀 (new!). ‘Catastrophe muss nicht sein’
There was a group in front of the counter and I did some pulling back into me, tried to moderate my voice and blurted ‘Are you in line?!!’. Wrong. What about ‘Good afternoon. Full stop, eye contact. Are you in line? Real question mark also showing in face instead of irritation. Ok, I did notice. (new!) Behind the counter were 7 women trying to figure stuff out. Speaking to each other, nobody was listening to any, one walked off saying ‘well at least I KNOW that the towels need to be done!’ 2 Of them tried to take the lead but didn’t seem to get their heads around it. And then one women noticed me standing at the counter. Pull back, contact smile, tiny bit of expectation in it make her feel she can help me, let her do the ‘good afternoon’ first. Shit! I put my bag on the bench, shouldn’t have but I notice now (new!)
‘Good afternoon, how may I help you.’
‘Good afternoon. I would like to visit the sauna. Am I at the right desk?’ Hmmm, that was strange. I knew I was at the right desk, the sign said so. Hmmm, I was just looking for her to say a yes. No I was navigating her in her position of helper. Hmmm. So this is how I do stuff. Well, it is useful to have clear who is the customer and who is the service provider, and I normally get along with service providers very well. I hate that in me. Because I de-whatever me in order to get what I want. It is useful in shops and shop staff likes a clear customer with a clear question very much. But that is not what it is about, it is about manipulating. And I have become bad at it lately and don’t want it. Now I am in this in between land where I have no skills to do things correctly yet and I immediately fall back in ‘old’ (hear, hear) behaviour but do that inelegantly because I have flashes of doubt coming through.
Back to yesterday. The ticket was ok, she was ok, I got in. Changed. Went out into the sauna and it was crowded! So many people on a weekday! Amazing. So I really had to look for a beach chair. Found one empty, away from the crowd. Got out my book, a normal fantasy novel this time, nothing more intelligent. I had been standing in front of my book shelfs that morning trying to feel my way through what I need right now.
I know perfectly well that I don’t need to read or write or go to a sauna. I need to do stuff. We have a saying: the shore returns the vessel. Don’t want to wait for that but I did use it to get to quitting. Don’t moderate, let the shore return the vessel, rock bottom is near, if that is what it takes, that is what it takes. Hope to be a little quicker on the getting stuff done. By writing this blog I give myself the idea that I am doing what I should be doing which is ‘getting clear’. But I have come to a point where I am not doing the next thing I should be doing and stalling because of 10.001 reasons. The next thing is take responsibility there where I don’t want to take it. Simple as that. Do the stuff you dislike the most, solve your karma issues and change the road you’re on. Actually, I have found a few other blogs that mention serious stalling and procrastinating. I’m starting to feel that it comes with the territory of addiction or getting sober. ‘How is your addiction influencing your life right now?’ Not sure if it is simple ‘not wanting to be in the here and now part of the addiction’ or that it is separate. BS, it’s the same for me.
Sauna was ok. Been reading all day. I saw a girl sunbathing with huge glass of wine, some snacks. Looking at the wine, 1 tiny craving and then I thought, yes, I had a body like that at that age. And I drank it all away because I thought relaxing had to do with alcohol.
There was a funny intermezzo in the sauna. There is a sauna ritual where a sauna staff person comes in and pours water with essential oils on the hot stones so the place heats up like HOT HOT HOT. He had put some music on and somehow, sitting there in a circle in with all these people in the sauna, it made me feel really comfortable, it gave a sort of tribe feeling. It was a different group than on other times. Normally there would be a few big guys loudly ‘getting ready for the real experience’. Get up to the hottest part in the sauna and take their space, like take their space. No big loud guys yesterday which was nice.
The atmosphere was really nice and as an excercise (? – because I wanted it, because it felt like the right thing to do) I let my mind wander and the sauna became a jungle, the crowd became my tribe, and we were sitting around a fire, people were singing this beautiful music and I could trust? I just could and I was happy. I felt that I belonged. The funny part of it all, it was just a tiny shift that I noticed later when I got out: the crowd changed from being a crowd into a tribe where everybody had a personality and all of these personalities were present, some clearly, some less, some hardly, just all there. And everybody had connections, family, friends, tribe. (all new!)
And then it went strange but I never noticed that until I came to writing this down. A man, looking like a Latin American, stood up, started chanting or praying in a language I do not know. He had been one of the personalities who was clearly there, strong, clear, clean. peaceful and I thought earlier when I had my eyes open for a sec that he was meditating, he was sitting 1,5 metres away, across the path. And then… he laid his full upper body, arms and face on the hot stones. Please note: these stones are hotter than boiling water! Water hitting the stones turns into steam immediately. He got of in about 3-4 seconds and went back to his seat. The sauna staff guy took a step back to let the man do his thing. It is only now that I wonder why nobody reacted. I think it is because the jungle vision or feeling was not only in me, but in more people. Or maybe relaxed nude people don’t act too quickly, or maybe because he was the only non-white person in the room and I have noticed that this makes people react slower than they normally would. Or maybe they did not see because they had their eyes closed. Dunno, at that moment it just fit in totally natural within my jungle experience. He was wearing a beaded bracelet around his upper arm. I did not even check if he had burns because he was at rest and absolutely happy.
More new? More new: I was not irritated by the crowd, it scared me at first but I felt that I could walk through it easily. Specifically when pulling myself back into myself. ‘Noise’ did not disturb me, actions did not disturb me, no irritation, aggression, need to ‘keep people out’ or disrespecting or despising people. So actually I had a quiet day and before I started to think of writing this down I never even thought that I had learned so much.
I ate a portion of deep friend snacks, left 3 of them because they did not taste good (new!). Yes, I did wonder about a couple that did eat the vegetable plate, that’s what I did do. I’m all for vegetables, but not when (I can have deep fried snacks) I have a day of celebration. I got mixed up on it though. Read the menu, thought: Aaaaah, shiiiiiit, now I should get the vegetables, don’t feel like them, I don’t want the vegetables, I want the snacks. Why is this quitting suddenly sooooooooo hard?! And on my celebrations day! It is not fair!! And then I remembered: Hey! I quit drinking, not eating snacks!!! Ha! 😀
So, I was hoping for a spiritual experience, then I got one and did not notice it until I wrote it down. And I got to practise some new skills.
I am VERY HAPPY that I quit and proud of it. On the cravings side I have it real easy. And the soul searching and puking all the dirt out onto a blog seems to be starting to help, small repairs are happening. Starting to be happy with the capabilities that I have. It gives me confidence that I can trust me in seeing and learning what is good for me and what not.