Self-rape in practice – Stormy Daniels

A few posts ago I wrote about self-rape, a word I made up for me to describe unwanted sexual acts I have performed and were performed on me because I did not have the guts to say no. I am not referring to situations where saying “No” would have had bad or worst consequences; there are a lot of sick men who are enticed by some ‘struggling’. I am talking about situations where a “No” would have not gone down well, but it would have been listened to without consequences. I, for me, call having not-voluntary sex when there could have been a no sex ‘self-rape’. It is not that I wanted it, but in me the option to say no was first taken away, and then when it partially grew back, it went unpractised. Still not good at it now but I want to become good at it. 🙂

I am in a process of uncovering layers and layers of old behaviour and memories in the hope to undo damage and to un-addict. I am aware that those who are in a different place/situation with this subject might have different opinions on this. But for me this is what it is right now. This is how I perceive it now.

It is very unfortunate that my childhood spirit was already broken before I could even make up my adult mind on what and how when it came to sex. At age 48 I still often wonder about my sexual orientation, not sure if I really like women physically, intellectually and emotionally or sometimes dislike men because of the memories. And so I walked a path of self-destruction which has been and is painful. These days I start to understand how far-reaching my self-destructive acts where and are. But watching the Stormy Daniels 60 minutes interview I realised I am not the only one. The part which worries me most starts at 1:40 and ends at 3:24.

In the transcript below I made the worrying parts in a bold lettering – if WP catches on to that in the quote mode…. Self-hate, self-destruction, self-rape speaking loudly – in my ears. She passes it off as a business deal, but how split does a person have to be in order to do this?  How do you perceive this?

Stormy Daniels describes her alleged affair with Donald Trump

Anderson Cooper: You had dinner in the room?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: What happened next?

Stormy Daniels: I asked him if I could use his restroom and he said, “Yes, you know, it’s through those– through the bedroom, you’ll see it.” So I– I excused myself and I went to the– the restroom. You know, I was in there for a little bit and came out and he was sitting, you know, on the edge of the bed when I walked out, perched.

Anderson Cooper: And when you saw that, what went through your mind?

Stormy Daniels: I realized exactly what I’d gotten myself into. And I was like, “Ugh, here we go.” (LAUGH) And I just felt like maybe– (LAUGH) it was sort of– I had it coming for making a bad decision for going to someone’s room alone and I just heard the voice in my head, “well, you put yourself in a bad situation and bad things happen, so you deserve this.”

Anderson Cooper: And you had sex with him.

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Anderson Cooper: You were 27, he was 60. Were you physically attracted to him?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Not at all?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you want to have sex with him?

Stormy Daniels: No. But I didn’t– I didn’t say no. I’m not a victim, I’m not–

Anderson Cooper: It was entirely consensual.

Stormy Daniels: Oh, yes, yes.

Anderson Cooper: You work in an industry where condom use is– is an issue. Did– did he use a condom?

Stormy Daniels: No.

Anderson Cooper: Did you ask him to?

Stormy Daniels: No. I honestly didn’t say anything.

Anderson Cooper: After you had sex, what happened?

Stormy Daniels: He said that it was great, he had– a great evening, and it was nothing like he expected, that I really surprised him, that a lotta people must underestimate me– that he hoped that I would be willing to see him again and that we would discuss the things we had talked about earlier in the evening.

Anderson Cooper: Being on The Apprentice.

Stormy Daniels: Right.

Stormy Daniels:  I thought of it as a business deal.

Full interview and transcript here.

Am I the only one who finds this behaviour sad, worrysome, self-destructive? And, for another thing: this is not something that needs to be advocated as a reason to have sex AND not something to be advocated as consensual.  ‘Not wanting to but feeling not being able to get out of it’ does NOT equal consent. It does not equal rape either according to the law. Energetically I think she violates her and his integrity.

Let me conclude that both people were not where I think it is healthy to be. She having sex with a guy she does not want, he not even aware or not caring that he is sharing something not given in joy. In Trumps words: “Sad”.

I am happy that I quit.

Wishing you a wonderful sober day with many good sober thoughts and haha, maybe a serenity prayer. 😉 I could use some thorough insight in that now for both posting on somebodye elses sex-life and for not doing what I should be doing in the meantime. So here:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.