I have some days off. At work there was a test audit at the beginning of this week and we did well enough. So it was time for me to take a day off. My boss texted he would advise me to take Thursday and Friday off too. I guess he does so because he cares / I have so many extra hours. I myself felt fired obviously. Guessing I’m not – which is HUGE progress. :-D. It took me a day to come to that conclusion though. In between I read the whole internet, finished Netflix and binged on cheese, chips and chocolate. Then I felt BAD and realised I did so because I binged on cheese, chips and chocolate. Gosh?!
This whole proces of learning to take care of me is difficult. Not drinking is not so difficult. Living is more difficult. Not self-destructing is the most difficult thing. The womb twin survivor issue is coming back to me in a lot of different ways. It hurts. I guess it will be like that for a while until it things get better, if they ever do. The realisation that this experience of watching / feeling my twin brother die is so fundamental for my whole life is difficult. Well, having found a ‘reason’ is good. Not ready yet to start from there and find a way to heal what was broken. Or to accept what is unacceptable. Guess this means I need to mourn. Or maybe I am trying to fix things in the same mindset which got them broken. 🙂 Dunno. 🙂
The other day I learned to practise the ´this too will pass´ concept on myself. Which is good. I seem to take every suffering as ´eternal´. And it is not. Now cleaning my house. I was as we say it ´scrambling up the walls´ out of sheer panick of not knowing what to do with spare time other than weekend. Cleaning is good.
I am happy that I quit. Eventhough currently living is difficult for me. All the things which are weird about me seem to surface and this hurts. I am trying to turn it into a lesson of self acceptance but the forces of self-destruction are big within. Nah, can’t make heads or tails of this day; might as well clean. A woman who loves herself would use her sad/weird time wisely so she would be able to enjoy the non sad non weird time in a clean house. 🙂
Wishing you a beautiful day.