Just dropping in to say hi and tell you that socialising is good. Thank you all for your comments, hugs and wise words. I went out for dinner yesterday with 2 good friends and received some real beautiful real life hugs and was listened too and cheered up. These hugs, the listening and advice were added to all your online reactions and it restored some of my lifeliness.:-)
Slept well but woke up early. Went to work late, bought my boss a package of his favo cookies and apologised for walking out. He was generally ok with me having a too bad a mood to work; ‘Happens sometimes’ he unpacked the cookies and beamed me his brightest, brightest, brightest smile. It is nice to have a boss who is also human and who can receive cookies well if I screw up. 🙂 And then gave me a seasoned, professional, motivated help for 2 days in the week! Yay! The help is a real nice guy who can actually listen and is interested in the process. Me! Happy! 🙂 🙂 🙂
And so the rollercoaster goes up again. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust. I guess other people have a partner to tell them that it is going to be ok.
Also, I met my predessor today, she left about a year ago and was not followed up. She informed me of another randomly planned audit from government side. Ok….. that is…. a surprise…. Just when I thought I had seen it all. 😀
Today I managed to, at some moments, figure out what a woman who loves herself would do which is good. Tomorrow is Friday. I still find it mindboggling how difficult it is to really care for me. How easy I abondon myself. How this ‘not caring for me’ has been a lifelong trait. I did decide to drastically cut down on my hours for 2 reasons: working overtime is eating in at my efficiency right now and also I am not caring for myself anymore because I am too tired. But I found out yesterday, and before, that this behaviour brings me to the edge of the abyss in no-time. I did not want to drink yesterday. But the forces of self-destruction were amazingly strong and that is, I don’t know, tempting? I am tired of falling down and having to get up.
“If you are tired of starting over again, stop giving up.”
I guess in these downfalls I notice that I work through sobriety without external ‘addiction’ help apart from blogging. I have been to one AA meeting, must have been over half a year ago. I guess I will go again. I am still not sure about the tax returns of 2014 and 2015, and not sure about the housing support over 2016 so I do not know what money in my bank is mine. So I don’t go to my therapist either because I fear I might not be able to afford it later on. Funny how I realise that I can sort any of it out in almost ‘no-time’ but don’t. Yes I do have a job at a highly skilled level and no I still do not make a lot more than a production worker. We’ll see what the future brings. For now I don’t spend a lot. I do however buy more organic food just because it makes me feel better. And no meat and more cheese. Thinking of slowly walking towards half veganism, half vegetarianism with maybe 1 times meat in the month. It is a compassion and spiritual cleanliness thing; when looking at the meat and dairy industry I see only wrongdoings. It is horrifying specifically in countries where large megastalls are allowed. I do not think it is good to treat animals, or anybody like that. And it is specifically bad to eat the produce of that commercial abuse. No good can come of mistreating your food, nature or oneself. And still I do. But I also learn. Sometimes too slowly to my taste.
My cat is coming to send me to bed. 🙂 I’m off. Wishing you a good night/day.
I am happy that I quit eventhough currently I have difficulty making heads or tails of this life I lead. It is a bit extreme. Or maybe these are just my reactions. Dunno. It is bedtime. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. Would have been in bed already. Tomorrow is Friday and then…. it’s weekend!