Socialising is good

Hi everybody,

Just dropping in to say hi and tell you that socialising is good. Thank you all for your comments, hugs and wise words. I went out for dinner yesterday with 2 good friends and received some real beautiful real life hugs and was listened too and cheered up. These hugs, the listening and advice were added to all your online reactions and it restored some of my lifeliness.:-)

Slept well but woke up early. Went to work late, bought my boss a package of his favo cookies and apologised forΒ  walking out. He was generally ok with me having a too bad a mood to work; ‘Happens sometimes’ he unpacked the cookies and beamed me his brightest, brightest, brightest smile. It is nice to have a boss who is also human and who can receive cookies well if I screw up. πŸ™‚ And then gave me a seasoned, professional, motivated help for 2 days in the week! Yay! The help is a real nice guy who can actually listen and is interested in the process. Me! Happy! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

And so the rollercoaster goes up again. I wonder if I will ever learn to trust. I guess other people have a partner to tell them that it is going to be ok.

Also, I met my predessor today, she left about a year ago and was not followed up. She informed me of another randomly planned audit from government side. Ok….. that is…. a surprise…. Just when I thought I had seen it all. πŸ˜€

Today I managed to, at some moments, figure out what a woman who loves herself would do which is good. Tomorrow is Friday. I still find it mindboggling how difficult it is to really care for me. How easy I abondon myself. How this ‘not caring for me’ has been a lifelong trait. I did decide to drastically cut down on my hours for 2 reasons: working overtime is eating in at my efficiency right now and also I am not caring for myself anymore because I am too tired. But I found out yesterday, and before, that this behaviour brings me to the edge of the abyss in no-time. I did not want to drink yesterday. But the forces of self-destruction were amazingly strong and that is, I don’t know, tempting? I am tired of falling down and having to get up.

“If you are tired of starting over again, stop giving up.”

I guess in these downfalls I notice that I work through sobriety without external ‘addiction’ help apart from blogging. I have been to one AA meeting, must have been over half a year ago. I guess I will go again. I am still not sure about the tax returns of 2014 and 2015, and not sure about the housing support over 2016 so I do not know what money in my bank is mine. So I don’t go to my therapist either because I fear I might not be able to afford it later on. Funny how I realise that I can sort any of it out in almost ‘no-time’ but don’t. Yes I do have a job at a highly skilled level and no I still do not make a lot more than a production worker. We’ll see what the future brings. For now I don’t spend a lot. I do however buy more organic food just because it makes me feel better. And no meat and more cheese. Thinking of slowly walking towards half veganism, half vegetarianism with maybe 1 times meat in the month. It is a compassion and spiritual cleanliness thing; when looking at the meat and dairy industry I see only wrongdoings. It is horrifying specifically in countries where large megastalls are allowed. I do not think it is good to treat animals, or anybody like that. And it is specifically bad to eat the produce of that commercial abuse. No good can come of mistreating your food, nature or oneself. And still I do. But I also learn. Sometimes too slowly to my taste.

My cat is coming to send me to bed. πŸ™‚ I’m off. Wishing you a good night/day.

I am happy that I quit eventhough currently I have difficulty making heads or tails of this life I lead. It is a bit extreme. Or maybe these are just my reactions. Dunno. It is bedtime. A woman who loves herself would go to bed now. Would have been in bed already. Tomorrow is Friday and then…. it’s weekend!

xx, Feeling


12 thoughts on “Socialising is good

  1. Thank you for the update. You sound much brighter.
    Mood swings are tough. I keep hoping one day I will be a flat line…but I suppose that will mean I’m dead! So, I guess we ride the ups and downs.

    Your friend

    Liked by 3 people

    • Ghegheghe, a flat line. Yes, and… I think if I had that while being alive I would feel dead. Which in itself might actually explain a LOT of the moodswings I am having. πŸ˜€
      One day I told the bookstore man: “I wish life would be simple.” And he replied: “Do you really?” Assuming that I did not. And I realised that indeed I did not. I am so used to difficulty and swings that I think I would feel dead if not. Stress junk they call it. I might want to think about that some more. Actually, meditate on it. Meditation takes me away from the swings. Which is obviously why I don’t do it enough. πŸ˜€
      Thank you for being here for me.
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I used this lady…
    It’s the first time I tried it.
    I tapped on colds.
    I get sick a lot, and when I do my depression gets bad.
    The tapping gave me a feeling of calmness and energy at the same time.
    I used my own words so I was very specific.
    I have carried the belief that I get sick a lot, for many years.
    Ever since high school.
    Granted, I did get some major sickness problems.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for the link! I really like her. She looks pretty real to me (unlike some other people who do tapping).
      Cool that the tapping gave you such good experience. It does with me too. And I really like how my ‘body’ – well, not sure what, sort of spoons up all the related issues when I start tapping on something. It is like a thread of knotted handkerchiefs coming out of the sleeve of a magician. πŸ™‚ Cool technique. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling


  3. I thought this was a lovely post to read. Sometimes we do things we regret, we have things we need to sort out, we have lots of question marks.. but the underlying feeling I got from this is that you think ‘that’s okay, that’s all okay.’ And it is. Even when you think you have failed and gone back to the start – you haven’t, just changing the path a little. x

    Liked by 1 person

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