8 Months

After this nights sleep I will be officially 8 months sober. I’m thinking that is quite cool. I don’t feel like the whole list with physical thingies, possibly because my blood pressure was up again. But I do feel it is going better now. I’ve lost another 3 – 4 pounds since the last time which is good 🙂

I am happy that I quit. I do feel that my motivation is a bit weaning (is that the right word?). Possibly because I’ve read about other diehards drinking again and getting back on the sober horse as if it is no problem. I notice I have a LOT of energy stuck around the lapse-relapse-collapse theory. I’m guessing how I deal with it compares to how I dealt with my fathers apocalypse theories: believe it, become absolutely frightened and then fight it like there is no tomorrow. Which is a funny way of putting it. No pun intended. It actually goes to show how caught up I was. Shit, aren’t parents there to help you build a future? Not there to break it down in front of you telling the most horrible stories about all the wars, pain and misery that will befall upon us when we do not ‘behave’.

Hmmm, dark tendencies coming up again. Wonder why?

Well, I’m happy that I quit if it were only for the fact that I would not have been able to deal with me if I had not. Not that I’m dealing now but the difference from when I drank and now is rather big. I don’t think I would have been alive if I had not quit. So I guess I do somewhere care about me. I am learning that I can care, and can be at peace when I let go of the guilt and shame. It is hard. But I practise in secret so nobody can berate me. ;-). Yes that sounds a bit strange but it is a tactic that actually works. Guess a psychiatrist could make up a real nice story about this and add another of the DSM thingies to my list but I don’t care. I practise thoughts, feelings, in the safety of my home. Experiment Feeling. I think I can let go guilt and shame free for about 3 seconds now (NEW!!). That is 3 seconds not berating myself over something and not feeling something dark at the horizon or being in a state where I might focus on something but know that if I don’t there will be this shadow falling trying to smother me. No, I’m not depressed, this is my description of life. Since it is a rather gloomy description I am looking to change my ways. 🙂

Sometimes I think it is like keeping on buying houses with black walls because they are so familiar and then saying ‘how come I experience all these dark colours?’.

Yeah, there is another subject that has been big lately: now that shame and guilt are lifting a little there is this new feeling of ‘responsibility’ building. NEW!!! Not sure if it is just another way of me to trick me into being guilty or that it is a sensible way of dealing. I keep on having the feeling that I tend to look for darkness and therefore will meet darkness. Which in itself could be called a very new-agy way of attributing guilt but also….. if feels true. And it rocks my boat. The new thought is more along the way of:

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.

It’s a difficult one. I’ll tell you my dilemma. In my life I have been sexually harassed quite often. Can’t even count them on my fingers and toes together, mostly by all different guys and men. But in some of the cases it was I who brought a sexual tone to the conversation.

Bearing in mind that it is the nature of girls to flirt just as it is in the nature of boys to show off and flex their muscles…. Bearing in mind that within this culture it is decided that the flirting girl as a slut and the guy is not even looked at because he just is. Which only states that the whole definition of righteous behaviour is based on masculinity. Worse, in itself that defines feminity as unsavory and masculinity as the unseen standard we all need to abide by.

Having said all of that: looking back I think there were cases where I could not have been forcibly kissed and fondled if I had behaved less flirtatious. Then again, I don’t go harassing a guy because he flexes his muscles and shows off. So the harassing part is based on ‘them’ being ‘able’ to harrass and wanting to. Say if I were a sport school girl with a black belt in anything and a bad rep for using that, they would have taken care. So it was also possible because the opportunity that they would get away with forcing themselves was there.

Back to the beginning, if I had not flirted, some things would not have happened. Does that make me guilty? Did I invite them? No. Never. But they felt invited because they did not understand what I was saying. And when I refused there was nothing in them that went ‘Ooh shit I misunderstood, better say sorry!’ No, it was like: ‘You give me what I want now! No, I don’t care that you don’t like me!’.

One of the things I wonder about is: was this naievety from my side? I also remember a specific urge to proof that not the whole world was bad. (doing the same thing expecting different results?). I wanted to feel safe and needed to prove that I could be without having to change my behaviour. Had something to do with ‘being right’ and ‘wanting to change the world’. I remember my parents coming at it over one occasion and they could not back away from the ‘Yes, well….. of course he should not have done it but you need to look at your own behaviour!’ I guess a lot went wrong in that conversation. So much that I can’t really look at it now, my brain stops.

Well, these are my unfinished thoughts on the feeling of responsibility that comes when guilt and shame seem to lift. I guess it’s a trade off. As so much. I eat healthier now. This also means that I get nauseous quicker when I eat something unhealthy. Just as it is supposed to be, but I’m not sure I’m happy because it feels like I am not ready to give up some of my vices yet.

Ooh, new thing: I used to shop my groceries and look at an article and ‘feel into it’ to see if I was ‘into it’. Now I feel into it and extend my feeling to ‘how will I feel after eating that?’ It’s NEW!!! 🙂 I am guessing it is how we were designed to deal with eating but I never would have thought to stretch my feeling into the future and based on that build a response.That is something I am not very good at. I guess it is has to do with the addictive personality, the only living for the quick fix regardless of the consequences. Hmmm, I spot a not wanting to take responsibility for my actions too. Hmmm, that is strong. Hmmm, I can only do what I want. I have very much difficulty doing what I don’t want. Funny, the Tarot reader said that the other day, did not know it stretched this far. Hmmm…. not handy in business. Let’s see.

By now it is way past my bed time. Hope you have enjoyed my post with yet another thought process that has not been finished. Actually I am a bit scared as to what you will think or say about the flirting yes or no. Guessing it is still a touchy subject and today again I am happy that I have no kids because I would not have known how to deal and I would not have wanted to put the same stress and anxiety on them as I had to deal with.

My cat drank from my Bach-remedy glass with anti-anxiety drops. Ghegheghe, she went outside and when she came back she was irritated that I had not opened the door before instead of being fearfull and looking ashamed that I left her waiting as she used to be. Mind you, it is 4 long stairs to go get her… Can cats look ashamed? Yes they can.

Bed time. Hope you have a good weekend!

xx, Feeling