8 Months

After this nights sleep I will be officially 8 months sober. I’m thinking that is quite cool. I don’t feel like the whole list with physical thingies, possibly because my blood pressure was up again. But I do feel it is going better now. I’ve lost another 3 – 4 pounds since the last time which is good πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit. I do feel that my motivation is a bit weaning (is that the right word?). Possibly because I’ve read about other diehards drinking again and getting back on the sober horse as if it is no problem. I notice I have a LOT of energy stuck around the lapse-relapse-collapse theory. I’m guessing how I deal with it compares to how I dealt with my fathers apocalypse theories: believe it, become absolutely frightened and then fight it like there is no tomorrow. Which is a funny way of putting it. :-/ No pun intended. It actually goes to show how caught up I was. Shit, aren’t parents there to help you build a future? Not there to break it down in front of you telling the most horrible stories about all the wars, pain and misery that will befall upon us when we do not ‘behave’.

Hmmm, dark tendencies coming up again. Wonder why?

Well, I’m happy that I quit if it were only for the fact that I would not have been able to deal with me if I had not. Not that I’m dealing now but the difference from when I drank and now is rather big. I don’t think I would have been alive if I had not quit. So I guess I do somewhere care about me. I am learning that I can care, and can be at peace when I let go of the guilt and shame. It is hard. But I practise in secret so nobody can berate me. ;-). Yes that sounds a bit strange but it is a tactic that actually works. Guess a psychiatrist could make up a real nice story about this and add another of the DSM thingies to my list but I don’t care. I practise thoughts, feelings, in the safety of my home. Experiment Feeling. I think I can let go guilt and shame free for about 3 seconds now (NEW!!). That is 3 seconds not berating myself over something and not feeling something dark at the horizon or being in a state where I might focus on something but know that if I don’t there will be this shadow falling trying to smother me. No, I’m not depressed, this is my description of life. Since it is a rather gloomy description I am looking to change my ways. πŸ™‚

Sometimes I think it is like keeping on buying houses with black walls because they are so familiar and then saying ‘how come I experience all these dark colours?’.

Yeah, there is another subject that has been big lately: now that shame and guilt are lifting a little there is this new feeling of ‘responsibility’ building. NEW!!! Not sure if it is just another way of me to trick me into being guilty or that it is a sensible way of dealing. I keep on having the feeling that I tend to look for darkness and therefore will meet darkness. Which in itself could be called a very new-agy way of attributing guilt but also….. if feels true. And it rocks my boat. The new thought is more along the way of:

In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
It’s a difficult one. I’ll tell you my dilemma. In my life I have been sexually harassed quite often. Can’t even count them on my fingers and toes together, mostly by all different guys and men. But in some of the cases it was I who brought a sexual tone to the conversation.
Bearing in mind that it is the nature of girls to flirt just as it is in the nature of boys to show off and flex their muscles…. Bearing in mind that within this culture it is decided that the flirting girl as a slut and the guy is not even looked at because he just is. Which only states that the whole definition of righteous behaviour is based on masculinity. Worse, in itself that defines feminity as unsavory and masculinity as the unseen standard we all need to abide by.
Having said all of that: looking back I think there were cases where I could not have been forcibly kissed and fondled if I had behaved less flirtatious. Then again, I don’t go harassing a guy because he flexes his muscles and shows off. So the harassing part is based on ‘them’ being ‘able’ to harrass and wanting to. Say if I were a sport school girl with a black belt in anything and a bad rep for using that, they would have taken care. So it was also possible because the opportunity that they would get away with forcing themselves was there.
Back to the beginning, if I had not flirted, some things would not have happened. Does that make me guilty? Did I invite them? No. Never. But they felt invited because they did not understand what I was saying. And when I refused there was nothing in them that went ‘Ooh shit I misunderstood, better say sorry!’ No, it was like: ‘You give me what I want now! No, I don’t care that you don’t like me!’.
One of the things I wonder about is: was this naievety from my side? I also remember a specific urge to proof that not the whole world was bad. (doing the same thing expecting different results?). I wanted to feel safe and needed to prove that I could be without having to change my behaviour. Had something to do with ‘being right’ and ‘wanting to change the world’. I remember my parents coming at it over one occasion and they could not back away from the ‘Yes, well….. of course he should not have done it but you need to look at your own behaviour!’ I guess a lot went wrong in that conversation. So much that I can’t really look at it now, my brain stops.
Well, these are my unfinished thoughts on the feeling of responsibility that comes when guilt and shame seem to lift. I guess it’s a trade off. As so much. I eat healthier now. This also means that I get nauseous quicker when I eat something unhealthy. Just as it is supposed to be, but I’m not sure I’m happy because it feels like I am not ready to give up some of my vices yet.
Ooh, new thing: I used to shop my groceries and look at an article and ‘feel into it’ to see if I was ‘into it’. Now I feel into it and extend my feeling to ‘how will I feel after eating that?’ It’s NEW!!! πŸ™‚ I am guessing it is how we were designed to deal with eating but I never would have thought to stretch my feeling into the future and based on that build a response.That is something I am not very good at. I guess it is has to do with the addictive personality, the only living for the quick fix regardless of the consequences. Hmmm, I spot a not wanting to take responsibility for my actions too. Hmmm, that is strong. Hmmm, I can only do what I want. I have very much difficulty doing what I don’t want. Funny, the Tarot reader said that the other day, did not know it stretched this far. Hmmm…. not handy in business. Let’s see.
By now it is way past my bed time. Hope you have enjoyed my post with yet another thought process that has not been finished. Actually I am a bit scared as to what you will think or say about the flirting yes or no. Guessing it is still a touchy subject and today again I am happy that I have no kids because I would not have known how to deal and I would not have wanted to put the same stress and anxiety on them as I had to deal with.
My cat drank from my Bach-remedy glass with anti-anxiety drops. Ghegheghe, she went outside and when she came back she was irritated that I had not opened the door before instead of being fearfull and looking ashamed that I left her waiting as she used to be. Mind you, it is 4 long stairs to go get her… Can cats look ashamed? Yes they can.
Bed time. Hope you have a good weekend!
xx, Feeling
Advertisements

12 thoughts on “8 Months

  1. Wether or not you were flirting, things stop when you decide. After that it is unacceptable behaviour.
    If you were drinking at these times your recollection of who said or did what might be clouded.

    My advice. Let it go. The past is done and cannot be changed. Don’t let it make today harder to deal with.

    Like you said, if you want a brighter coloured house you need to paint the walls. It’s your choice.

    I like your feeling into how you will feel after a eating a food. I think there’s probably a lot to that.

    Anne

    Liked by 1 person

    • I wasn’t drinking at age 4 to 14 but yes unacceptable behaviour which is somehow acceptable in the places where I grew up.
      Letting go… yes, it is a good recepy for happiness. Just not there yet. Need to understand first because I need to know what to let go.
      Painting the walls, I do that every day. Sometimes they are all kinds of beautiful colours and then I stumble over the black paint again. One day though πŸ™‚ I will indeed be able to put the knowledge of the if I think this way I will feel that way into practise. πŸ™‚ I’m going to set my egg-timer for this. πŸ™‚ See what it brings. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Anne is right, in those situations no means no, regardless of how things start out.

    It must have been hard to feel positive about life when your parents described the world as such a negative place.

    And yes cats can have all sorts of expressions, definitely!!
    Xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Maybe I should correct here: my father was the apocalyse guy. But then again, you only actually need one of them to spoil a nice diner or day off. πŸ˜€
      Cats, cats, where would I be without my cat. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Like

  3. I believe in my heart that when we are young we are not as responsible for abusive events as our adult minds would sometimes have us believe. When boundaries are crossed and we were not taught the value of boundaries and what to do when they are threatened, we can end up believing that we are at fault. It’s a difficult and emotional experience to process, and, as most children do when painful things happen, we blame ourselves. As we grow up and become young adults, those behavioural responses to emotional situations remain and become patterns. We respond and react the same way again and again, unless we come to understand what really happened or is happening. Feeling, if you are open to it, speaking with a therapist can help you. You are working so hard and you are so beautiful, caring, generous and good, and you are doing so well. But I sense so much pain underneath your writing. I know it helped me a lot, speaking with a therapist about what happened to me. It is vital to your growth and evolution. And of course, do only what you feel comfortable doing. Even choosing to speak with a therapist is up to you. Either way, you can do it when you are ready. And if you don’t, that’s okay too. Hugs and love to you. Phoenix.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you Phoenix. I guess you are very right about working this out with a therapist – funny thing is, I have been in therapy all my life but somehow these events did not show until a year ago. They were there, and I knew about them, it’s just that they were not emotionally charged until I got / it got me to rock bottom and quitting.
      I can not afford the therapist I would like to see about this now. Also, I am ‘saving’ the times that I want to see him for situations that might make me go drink. πŸ™‚ Currently this does not. And possibly I am too scared to actually speak about it. I can just manage writing. I assume the pain I have is a global thing, other people just don’t write about it. Lots of people here had, have it way worse, I sometimes think that the only thing that is wrong with me is that I am aware of the things that went wrong. I have a very close friend, her father beat her almost to death at age 8. The other older children had to stop him. But since she does not remember it is ‘nothing to worry about’. The father almost axed her brother to death, on purpose. Everybody laughs when that story is told ‘Hahahaha, dad was pretty pissed and then he also missed X with the axe, haahahahaha! And remember when he tried to stab X with the hey fork (very deadly weapon!), hahahahaa, yeah, he was so pissed off then. Hahahaha, mean little bugger it was when he was in a bad mood!’ All attempts were serious and commited in a fit of aggression, absolute rage but faught off by the others children of which some were twice their fathers length, but still… I do realise everybody has got their own shit stuf to solve but compared to them I’m just a sissy falling over minor issues. :-/ Reason why I don’t speak of this with my friends either. I guess I’ll work it out, it just takes a while. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

      • I totally understand. Your self-awareness will and is helping you to prioritize and that is good. While I agree that experiences and our reactions to them differ from person to person, how experiences affect us also differs. We react to situations in ways that help or harm us. A person not remembering a traumatic event which happened when she was 8 may very well have blocked out the painful experience. It does not mean that it won’t be affecting her in ways she is yet to realize.
        Nevertheless, what I mean to say is, try not to trivialize your feelings about what happened to you, because you think others have had or have it worse. You matter to you. That is the most important thing. You are certainly not a sissy. Writing helps. Keep doing it. Hugs.

        Like

  4. Hi Feeling, you and I share a lot of history and it’s painful for me to read this. I know it’s brave of you to write about it at all and I just want to give you a hug, to be honest. I agree, that therapy can be a safe place to work through some of these issues. While it may sound like an easy thing just to “let it go” – I’ve actually found that for me, it’s necessary to look at some of the deeper trauma with someone else, from a safer, more grounded and no-more-the-victim perspective. THEN you can let it go. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come in the past 8 months…I’m glad you’re taking the time to acknowledge this. If I could have given myself a bit of advice before my “slip” or whatever one might call it…it would be…read back through your blog, some of the beginning posts especially, to remind yourself why you decided it was a good idea to quit. ❀

    Like

  5. Dear Feeling,
    I never know what might show up in my brain when I remember stuff from childhood and adolescent. Some not fun stuff, that’s for sure.
    After much therapy, including some now, I am slowly moving forward. Going forward isn’t a straight line up, but an up and down, with more time going up!
    You are moving forward, too!
    8 months is a very big deal, a very good one.
    I hope your new day brings you sunshine!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Wendy,
      Thank you for your sweet reply. Indeed, ups and downs. Darkness and sunshine. I wonder wether the ups and the downs are cyclic in any way. There seems to be a rythme to it. I am happy with my 8 months. πŸ™‚ There is sunshine here on Kingsday. And I think I’ll just nicely stay on my balcony and let all the drunk people do their drunk thing. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s