I have written this post a few days ago but it was so painful that I could not post it. I’m fine now 🙂 but I would still like to put it out here. Just as to document my travels.
A few days I had a clash with one of the workers in a house in the street. They had thrown stuff of mine from the communal garden out in the trash and it was gone. The stuff was there with ok from the neighbours and everybody used it. Speaking with him about it was an awful experience. I got there and the guy that opened the door was already laughing at me, as in really at me, in a nasty way, like really looking down on me. I enquired after my stuff and he said he had been informed by his colleagues that I was not happy about it. The short conversation was really uncomfortable. He kept on trying to steer the conversation so we would clash. Looking for a fight. It felt like he was looking forward to be able to yell and be aggressive and give me a piece of his mind.
He scared me by being so undependable – is that the word? And even though I should be the one that is angry I was to scared to actually get more angry than I was. And with that, I sort of took my own petty revenge by not giving him what he wanted; arguing. Hmmm… It was a sad exchange and I felt very sad. And when this was going on it somehow gave me that the immediate ‘right’ (?) to not take care of me. I’ll change over to the present now otherwise I have to rewrite the whole piece. Hmmmm, I notice I can’t even read it. So I’ll skip to the end.
I’m writing this, I did eat but not shower, door is open to air, I’m wearing a bathrobe and being stone cold and sad, I haven’t opened my curtains while it is halfway through the afternoon. I am feeling horrible and vulnerable and ridiculed and doubting if I can ever hold on to something what so ever. All kinds of behaviour and happenings suddenly get dragged up as if all connected to a piece of rope and they all say: Ridicule! Shame! Useless! Worthless!!! Broken! Shun it! Throw it away! No right to exist!!!
My mind is running around to try and find something that will repair my loss of ‘worth’, loss of my right to live. Trying to push away the feelings of having lost my footing, the confusion, the shame. This exchange of energy between people, it is so overwhelming now I get to be more aware of it. The feelings of self-destruction are so familiar but yet from so long ago (6 months 😉 ).
Yesterday I was so angry that I tried to killed him in a 1000 ways in my brain and every time just before he really got killed I stopped my wishful thinking because I thought it is not a good thing to do. And also because I felt is not good to the universe and to me because I was distracted with being angry while biking. I’m sure any psychiatrist can make a lot of this trying and not getting there. Today I did not feel guilty about that and I still fantasy-killed him. Sort of survival of the fittest idea. Apart for the thing where I still feel like I have lost and I have no value whatsoever.
I did go out and meet the store man and 2 of his friends yesterday and it was a very good meeting with all sorts of beautiful conversations, learning opportunities and friendships building. And it still does not add up. Might be that I totally forgot the time and when we walked out it was 01:00 in stead of 22:00 as I would have thought. Disturbing. I did not drink enough water and was so tired that I did not brush my teeth so this morning I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. That was strange, and set my feelings of to an all times low before I even realised what was going on. So happy I don’t drink anymore, pffffff, I would have had that every morning.
It took me 2 days to come out of the above mode of feeling down. Very nasty. I realise that somehow I accelerate some bad feelings into destruction mode but I have not found out how it works. Even when I got back from the panicky anger fantasies to realising how scared I was of this unreasonable man, I was still very, very scared. And yes: I tried the ‘people can only take what you give them’ quote-o-sophy on my situation. Didn’t work, could not get there because he made it very clear that he could do whatever he wanted. Or maybe thát is the extrapolation of feelings that I do where things spin out of ‘normal’? Pffff, want to get away from this feeling.
I am happy that I quit drinking. I realise that when I would have been drinking I would have really filled up for a few days ‘just’ to ‘wash the experience away’. Now I had to deal with feeling vulnerable, helpless, deserted and scared and continuing to live with that.
I need: to get on with living.
I want: things to be easy, and nasty people to die instantly. Jeeez, how old am I? I guess I want to be able to deal with this. Any tips?
I take: nothing, yes, Bach rescue remedy against stress for the job application. And I do Falun dafa. It’s a sort of Tai Chi but easier and it is forbidden in China so it must be good. 😀 The first time I tried I actually created so much energy that my printer, that is disconnected from my computer and has not been used in 2 weeks suddenly started up by itself. Ieeeeeekhs! (Or maybe it was all a coincidence… you never know, they promise supernatural abilities. ‘Who are you and what are your powers?’ ‘I am Feeling! The auto-printer-start-up-women!’) So I’m going to join a group of Falun dafa people, just to make sure I do not turn out as some sorcerer’s apprentice. 😉