Self care

I have written this post a few days ago but it was so painful that I could not post it. I’m fine now πŸ™‚ but I would still like to put it out here. Just as to document my travels.

A few days I had a clash with one of the workers in a house in the street. They had thrown stuff of mine from the communal garden out in the trash and it was gone. The stuff was there with ok from the neighbours and everybody used it. Speaking with him about it was an awful experience. I got there and the guy that opened the door was already laughing at me, as in really at me, in a nasty way, like really looking down on me. I enquired after my stuff and he said he had been informed by his colleagues that I was not happy about it. The short conversation was really uncomfortable. He kept on trying to steer the conversation so we would clash. Looking for a fight. It felt like he was looking forward to be able to yell and be aggressive and give me a piece of his mind.

He scared me by being so undependable – is that the word? And even though I should be the one that is angry I was to scared to actually get more angry than I was. And with that, I sort of took my own petty revenge by not giving him what he wanted; arguing. Hmmm… It was a sad exchange and I felt very sad. And when this was going on it somehow gave me that the immediate ‘right’ (?) to not take care of me. I’ll change over to the present now otherwise I have to rewrite the whole piece. Hmmmm, I notice I can’t even read it. So I’ll skip to the end.

I’m writing this, I did eat but not shower, door is open to air, I’m wearing a bathrobe and being stone cold and sad, I haven’t opened my curtains while it is halfway through the afternoon. I am feeling horrible and vulnerable and ridiculed and doubting if I can ever hold on to something what so ever. All kinds of behaviour and happenings suddenly get dragged up as if all connected to a piece of rope and they all say: Ridicule! Shame! Useless! Worthless!!! Broken! Shun it! Throw it away! No right to exist!!!

My mind is running around to try and find something that will repair my loss of ‘worth’, loss of my right to live. Trying to push away the feelings of having lost my footing, the confusion, the shame. This exchange of energy between people, it is so overwhelming now I get to be more aware of it. The feelings of self-destruction are so familiar but yet from so long ago (6 months πŸ˜‰ ).

Yesterday I was so angry that I tried to killed him in a 1000 ways in my brain and every time just before he really got killed I stopped my wishful thinking because I thought it is not a good thing to do. And also because I felt is not good to the universe and to me because I was distracted with being angry while biking. I’m sure any psychiatrist can make a lot of this trying and not getting there. Today I did not feel guilty about that and I still fantasy-killed him. Sort of survival of the fittest idea. Apart for the thing where I still feel like I have lost and I have no value whatsoever.

I did go out and meet the store man and 2 of his friends yesterday and it was a very good meeting with all sorts of beautiful conversations, learning opportunities and friendships building. And it still does not add up. Might be that I totally forgot the time and when we walked out it was 01:00 in stead of 22:00 as I would have thought. Disturbing. I did not drink enough water and was so tired that I did not brush my teeth so this morning I woke up feeling like I had a hangover. That was strange, and set my feelings of to an all times low before I even realised what was going on. So happy I don’t drink anymore, pffffff, I would have had that every morning.

It took me 2 days to come out of the above mode of feeling down. Very nasty. I realise that somehow I accelerate some bad feelings into destruction mode but I have not found out how it works. Even when I got back from the panicky anger fantasies to realising how scared I was of this unreasonable man, I was still very, very scared. And yes: I tried the ‘people can only take what you give them’ quote-o-sophy on my situation. Didn’t work, could not get there because he made it very clear that he could do whatever he wanted. Or maybe thΓ‘t is the extrapolation of feelings that I do where things spin out of ‘normal’? Pffff, want to get away from this feeling.

I am happy that I quit drinking. I realise that when I would have been drinking I would have really filled up for a few days ‘just’ to ‘wash the experience away’. Now I had to deal with feeling vulnerable, helpless, deserted and scared and continuing to live with that.

I need: to get on with living.

I want: things to be easy, and nasty people to die instantly. Jeeez, how old am I? I guess I want to be able to deal with this. Any tips?

I take: nothing, yes, Bach rescue remedy against stress for the job application. And I do Falun dafa. It’s a sort of Tai Chi but easier and it is forbidden in China so it must be good. πŸ˜€ The first time I tried I actually created so much energy that my printer, that is disconnected from my computer and has not been used in 2 weeks suddenly started up by itself. Ieeeeeekhs! (Or maybe it was all a coincidence… you never know, they promise supernatural abilities. ‘Who are you and what are your powers?’ ‘I am Feeling! The auto-printer-start-up-women!’) So I’m going to join a group of Falun dafa people, just to make sure I do not turn out as some sorcerer’s apprentice. πŸ˜‰

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9 thoughts on “Self care

  1. Big hug. I too struggle with those sorts of confrontation. And also leave taking the blame on myself and feeling off kilter and self destructive. That is not a fun place to be and I am glad you have gotten through it ok.

    Pema Chodron recommends tonglen meditation for these experiences. In general you send out wished for love and compassion for yourself, breathing it in, sending it out. Then you do the same for the person you are angry with. It helps recognize and dissipate the anger.

    This helps if you can believe, even a little, that we are all divine creatures and are all connected. Perhaps all children of God, or sparks of the universe, or brahma. Whatvever you believe. It is an interconnected ness that says if I harm you I harm myself. If I heal myself, I help heal the world.

    Believe this has helped me find compassion and tolerance for others.

    It’s worth a shot. It might make you feel good.

    Anne

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you Anne, I notice that I tend to not speak about this with my friends because everybody always jumps to ‘You should have said this and that and kill and attack!’ Which is my intention too, but… still, it does not restore my peace or self-worth – if that is the word.
      I think I can go as far now as ‘if I can heal myself I help heal the world’ and yes, I feel that if I purposely harm other people I harm myself too, it is not good. But that is in my control, so it feels different. Now I am at the receiving end of somebody elses nasty character. That makes it different somehow.
      I do sometimes also think this: ‘There are 2 kinds of people: those that have love and those who need it.’ That can cool me down and brings me back to ‘normal’. Strange is it. I, in my adult life never had to deal with emotions like these other than getting drunk. And I actually feel I am still not dealing because I can step back into it just with reading it. The price we pay. 😦 Do you still have that? That even after a while after a nasty experience it feels just wrong? Hmmm, I’m realising now that I have not dealt with it because part of the problem is that I do not hold on to things that are ‘mine’ very well. Not onto money, not onto jobs, men, health. That’s what is bothering me, he’s just a gost from life past and present telling me that I need to change and I dislike to hear the truth in that. Hmmm…. that feels better. Funny. See if it sticks. So am I now blaming the victim or dealing? πŸ˜€ Not sure. But it does fit into my new strategy where I think that ‘bad feelings are indications too.’ That’s why we have them, to point us at things. Hmmm… again, let’s see if this sticks. πŸ™‚
      Thank you for opening up and telling me I am not the only one. πŸ™‚
      xx, Feeling

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      • I had a recent experience where I was accused of stealing a pair of pants at the yoga studio. They had forgotten to take the tag off them and one of the staff saw them in my locker and took them.

        I was really upset. Angry that she had gone into my locker, and embarrassed to be accused in public. It was quite a scene. Eventually the owner apologized, but I was really shaken.

        Once I left I was really sad. I didn’t know how to process the emotions and swore I would never go back to yoga there again.

        After I calmed down I realized that was an anxiety response. It scared me, as I was deeply distressed, crying and down. I felt my response didn’t exactly fit the event, but it was still there.

        Feeling judged and conflict are both hard for me. I have practice the tonglen meditation to the girl at the studio and I not longer feel distressed when I talk to her.

        I feel I have taken back my peace. If she gets peace out of it too that’s great. It doesn’t reduce mine.

        Hopefully that makes a little bit of sense.

        Liked by 1 person

      • That must have been really hard. It’s good that they apologized but I guess from what you describe the apology did not go deep enough – there should be repair in it, or?
        Reading your comment I am starting to realise that I guess most people would not know how to keep themselves ‘whole’ during such an encounter. But I guess a lot would choose lashing out at others or transforming their hurt in being angry and looking down on others. Compared to that being scared and sad sounds like a healthy response?

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  2. Dear Feeling,
    I have had 1000 ways to kill someone in my brain, too.
    Bad feelings are telling us things.
    You are right.
    My bad feelings this weekend are telling me I still have some old hurts come up from childhood.
    Now dealing with those hurts.
    I don’t drink them away anymore, so I must feel them, acknowledge them, and hopefully, move on.
    I am sorry he was a meanie!
    Hugs,
    wendy

    Liked by 1 person

    • πŸ™‚ Hi Wendy, glad to hear that other people have that same kind of thinking too. Sorry to hear that you hare going trough a difficult time – but it would be real cool if you, if we could deal with childhood stuff. So many scars people have. Indeed feel and acknowledge and then… the moving on. Let’s see how I (we) deal with that. Sober is indeed better :-).
      Hugs, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  3. You won by not drinking. He lost by pissing you off.
    I too get frustrated by friends that say things like “Man – I woulda…….blah, blah, blah, bullsh@t!” but it’s hard not to do. I think it’s just a sort of dumb way of communally fantasizing about what would be fun to do in that situation. Watching a dumb movie in your brain, you know like, what would Kevin Hart do about it (or Chuck Norris).
    I like the 24 hour rule I learned somewhere. Get pissed – let it ride for 24 hours. If your still pissed then talk about it to that person. Tell them how you feel. If you can’t do it then let it go – its’ not that important.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Communally fantasizing πŸ™‚ I like those words. That’s exactly what it is. I do sometimes feel I could use a little Chuck in my life though. But indeed, that has nothing to do with dealing with it.
      Problem with this guy is that he scares me, so there is no ‘going back and talking’ – specifically not telling him ‘how I feel’. Does that mean it is not important enough for me? Not sure. He’s twice my size and using it. Aaaahrg!
      Still running in circles here some moments. :-/ But thanks for stopping by Franko! πŸ™‚

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  4. You’re right, no more ‘washing the experience away’. Which is hard. Sometimes I just think, ‘why hasn’t getting sober made it all easier?’…but it has made it better. Dealing with stuff is hard. We’re doing hard things. I hope you feel better πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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