I think I’m done

I think I’m done with the bookstore man. I hope. I gues. The other day I realised/felt through how indeed I use him as a transfer addiction. Bad day at ‘the office’? -> visit the bookstore man. It felt like another way of not being in the moment and refusing to feel what is really going on. I knew that with my mind obviously, but now I realise it and feel how and when I do it and it is uncomfortable. So whenever my mind wants to escape I stop it. I have not done the thing I did with alcohol is where I would sit and try to figure out how come and why now and what was really going on but the stopping to escape has been there for like something like 10 days now? So that looks consistent. I am not going to put pressure on it because, hmm, dunno, because I feel I can’t and because I think to know that if I put pressure on it I will condemn myself if it does not work and I will swing the other way. Balance, balance, balance.

So what happened? Haha, obviously I did not come up with this myself however hard I would like that to be true. 😀 ‘There is this thing about addiction and behaviour: if the person does not set boundaries, eventually the world will.’ You may quote me on that. Gheghegheghe. So yes, I was at the receiveing end of his fury again. He’s got a replace person in the shop and I walked in in a totally changed shop, the whole atmosphere was different, one of hope and new beginnings and this thought popped into my head: ‘My work is done here.’ I stayed a little to enjoy the atmosphere and to let go of what kept me there. Customers walking in and out and actually buying stuff. That was so NEW, I really enjoyed sitting there and taking it all in.

20 Minutes later, when they were discussing pricing. I mentioned something which I thought was totally innocent (in hindside it actually was) and the replace person started saying ‘Breathe in, breathe out’ to the bsm as if what I said was totally offensive – it was not. So they seem to have bonded over their inability to keep people out of their own boundaries and then lash out. Nice. 😦 Obviously I was huffy too and replied the same thing with a little more force and with a remark that any other way of pricing would be double work. Content was normal, tone was not. Any other day the bsm would be happy with my comment but it was not any other day because he had a friend now and he unleashed.

At that moment it became so obvious that he only befriends me when he’s got no options left. Wow! Well, clear. And yes, painful. I closed my heart before the severity of his accusations could reach it so that was OK, don’t know where I would have been if I had not. There are advantages to having a wall around my heart. 🙂 So what next? I found a book on a Jungian explanation of the Epocalypse, and having had a father who smashed us over the head with all of that I thought an insight in the psychological side of it would be a good idea. So I actually BOUGHT a book. Lately I have been receiving books as gift. This time the bsm was stone cold (not that he needs to be, I mean a gift is a gift and that is something TOTALLY different from somebody picking up a book and wanting it) and I paid for it. I felt; this is a conclusive action. Also I thought: ‘I want to pay for this because I do not think there is anything I would want from you anymore.’

And…. I obviously still have some books from him which I need to return. 😦 My current intention is to read them, bring them back and finish our contact so I can politely throw him of my Facebook account as well. That is my intention. And if I do that I will have dealt with it in an adult way instead of being angry and unfriending him without even a conversation.

Last night I dreamed my parents got divorced. They never did, I have always thought it would have been better. My mother left with her suitcases and half of the house and left my dad a long, long note in which she said she had enough. I was shocked to actually see it happening but later I realised that if she wanted to turn her cancer around and would do what a woman who loves herself would do, she needed to go. I spent the rest of the dream speaking with my brother and father on several subjects but not wanting to be the one to tell them she had left. They did not know yet. The setting of the dream was all strange. Like there was a rift in stuff and energy and boxes and tables and everything was all over the place, stacked, floating. Strange colours too, brown, orange, turquois. So many layers in time and space. But this might have just been a memory of an impressive photograph I had seen a few days ago. Not sure. The rift felt clear and pure.

Hahaha, I got to writing the above paragraph because otherwise I would forget and I thought it was important because it has, feeling wise, rewritten my personal history. By living in this option of divorce I realised what a REAL GOOD idea it would have been. Yes, sorry for all those who think marriages are for always. Marriages are, abusive relations are not. Psychological and physical abuse needs to be stopped and usually it is not the one abusing who will decide to do so. However, when writing the paragraph I had no idea where the dream came from. Now, when reading the bsm story and the dream in one row I think: how can I not know? 😀

I am happy that I quit. I also think I need to speed up my return to the world a little. I have been without refined sugar for about 10 days now or so. I need to improve my sleeping, I still wake up like 5 times a night and my focus. Next to that I need to run now because I have a job application in 2 hours. Teaching job. Yesterday, while reading Phoenix post on Do I dee servto be happy?   I was visisted by my todler self and she was VERY EXCITED about the job because teaching is all she wanted to do. It really sparked me up, I had forgotten about it. I have always tought and enjoyed and yes, I get sparks from it but I had forgotten about the inner spark. Hope I can keep that during the interview. 🙂

Wwawwlhd? She would get offline and prepare!

Bye!

xx, Feeling

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12 thoughts on “I think I’m done

  1. I love when our subconscious minds help us to better understand. It’s wonderful that you were able to make the connection between your relationship with the BSM and your mother’s relationship with your father. You recognized the similarities and your subconscious pointed out the differences. Like your mother, you were drawn into an unhealthy relationship, but unlike your mother, YOU have made the choice to leave someone who has not been good to you. I am so proud of you. Hugs. It may not be easy and it is okay that you set yourself a cut-off time (finishing the book). I know you have the strength and courage to stick to it.
    Hope you kicked ass at the interview. Keep us posted!
    Oh and thank you for the link. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Yes, unhealthy, unbalanced relationship, that is what it is. I feel way better without putting him in my mind. Brrrr, can’t imagine where I was when I did like that. So I guess I’m done. But I don’t want to shout that out loud yet because it is early days and it is an addictive pattern. I hope I can stick to it because apart from being absolutely fascinated by him I have been bored with writing about this subject for a long time. And every time I feel guilty about boring followers with it. Yes, sorry for that. Hoping for clarity and decission. Maybe decission does not always have to come ‘by ligthening’ as it usually does in me. 😉
      And yes on the subconcious. It works for me for the bsm but also in hindsight for my parents marriage. It is actually healing to feel through / experience the option of the divorce now. I feel it strengthens me to see the difference between right and wrong worked out in a scenario. Acknowledgement to the helpless kid divided between the need to run away from the agression in the marriage and the need to stay with my family. Important day today. 🙂 Thank you for your reply. It helps me clear things up. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi Feeling – you sound so great. It seems like things in your psyche are coming online big-time and that you are really able to walk away from bsm as an adult. YES. I think that’s great. Also to look back at your mom and dad’s relationship and make some connections there. You have never bored me, not with this storyline or any other. I’m just happy to be a witness to your healing. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Ghegheghe, new book store?! This is the only one left with only spiritual books – Amazon.com kills the book store men. 😦
      Concerning the interview: unfortunately I was overtaken (?) by a person who had a wider range of subjects to teach. 😦 But, I am already very happy that I my not future boss said: “You were as good and we could really see you teaching here, normally I would give you some tips on the conversation but there is nothing you could have done better.”
      That is very nice to hear. 🙂 And I got into the practise of presenting myself and dealing with that ‘stress’, also: while acting competent I started to feel competent again. Strange to say since it is not my style but I think I did a ‘fake it until you make it.’ 😀
      Maybe better next time. 🙂
      xx, Feeling

      Liked by 1 person

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