Taking the red pill

Long time no write and…. I’ve fallen off the sugar-wagon again. It is, eh, insightful. What I learned is that I had not set my boundaries everywhere, I just thought; if I don’t buy chocolate I am fine. I thought I was ok in my own life doing my own thing and then the smell of pancakes passed through the open window one morning and I lay bed thinking ‘Oooooh, I want that!’ The craving was inside. With alcohol I was so aware to stop the thought before it got through the door. So I did bake pancakes and then realised that they would be very boring if I did not put something on it and there I went, it started with a little bit of honey and I went downhill from there. Ooh, I also did the ‘this is ecological so it is not THAT bad’ as I did with eco-wine and beer. Insightful, repetitive behaviour.

I find it irritating, shameful but I try to see it as insightful. I find a lot of similarities with drinking here, e.g. that I try to moderate and then go on a binge which is even bigger than the binge before the quitting. That is a very dangerous thing with addiction. I can well, see / feel the tracks of addiction being carved in my brain. Very informative, and shocking, and disappointing :-(. I’m not in a phase where I can take action, the ‘on’ button of my life is still stuck. I can however look at my behaviour, so that is what I do. And I discovered a new trick/skill: ask my body what it wants. I noticed that my ‘wanting’ stuff is a mental thing, it does not so much seem to be a body thing. My body gets all upset when I down a bar of chocolate. So now I, when I think of it, feel into what I am going to eat with my stomach. Who, actually, should get the say because she will be dealing with it. And that actually makes me put things back in the jar or back on the shelf. And, haha, doing this when entering a supermarket is a VERY strange thing; there is almost NOTHING left to eat! Stomach says no to 98% of it. Those flashes, seconds of realisation make me feel like I fall of the edge of the world, or am taking the red pill in the Matrix.

I have more of these flashes lately, when looking at my behaviour, looking at how the world is set up and to me both of them feel corrupt to the bone. I can’t shed the thoughts of ‘this is not how it is supposed to be’. And it makes me feel left out and vulnerable. And then I binge. Not sure if I am discovering Bigger Truths here or just using this as an excuse for not connecting and not pushing the button that says ‘LIVE’. If you ask me I think both are true simultaneously.

About my search for Truths and Clarity: currently reading ‘Ayurveda and the mind – the healing of consciousness‘ by Dr. David Frawley. Links in there for Anne :-). It’s a cool book! I have been diagnosed by the Ayurvedic doctor as having a Pita-Kapha personality while being low on Pita (lacking fire and action), way to high on Kapha (causes inertia) and too high on Vata (causes vagueness). Well, I think we can all agree to that :-D. The book now shows what these states of being does with the mind. Very nice, I can recognise it all. It is like the Craig Nakken book on addictive personality: it is strange to read something that is so accurate and feels true, written by somebody I don’t even know. This is a quote from the book I found reassuring:

“Just as the eye is not damaged when a cup falls onto the floor and breaks, so consciousness is not damaged when the contents of the mind get altered or damaged.”

Also, he explains all the different terms like ‘mind’, ‘soul’ and ‘consciousness’ and how it works in an understandable way. I was looking for that but the books I saw at the bookstore were too advanced for me.

Aaah, about the bookstore and the bookstore man: have not been there in 6-7 weeks. We have not been in contact either. We are still Facebook friends but I have unfollowed him as a friend, had done that long before because of his depressing posts that popped up. Once a week or so his profile picture shows up amongst those 9 friends that are listed on the left page so I guess that is when he checks my page. So…. hahaha, yeah, being childish here; that is when I check his page in the hope that this check stays under the radar because of his check. :-D. And further: I have not worked out what it is that is bugging me in myself and in his behaviour, I am waiting for the umbilical cord to be severed completely so I can go in and see what happens. We are still connected through the air and sometimes ‘fight’ there. Do you know that ‘I think that you think that I think’ process? And when you are aware of that and even though you have learned you should check your facts before reacting – you still know that how you think/feel about stuff is how it is? Well, that is the, well, the negative side, of a realm that I strongly believe is just as real as the ‘real’ and visible world. And both he and I are both very active in that realm. Which is why I like him obviously. So, sometimes we argue there. And most of the time I tell him to FO. Or he gives me the cold shoulder. Sometimes there is niceness and curiosity, sometimes there is loneliness. I do not feel we are done yet but for now this is how it is. I think he and I met to work out: male-female issues we both have, addiction issues, communication stuff and then there is another one, I forgot.

On synchronicity: when writing this post I also read a blog post from Rosie Kuhn (you might know her from the Recovery 2.0 summit). 🙂 It is about growing, and it being hard work. 🙂 How very much aligned with my subject of these days. 🙂 Including this:

We can wait until we are hurled into some disaster, where we are absolutely out of control and have no choice regarding loss of wealth, health, home or family, before we begin to question what is true and real, or, we can consciously choose to step into our truth, consciously choose to walk our talk, and consciously choose to experience the you that is so much more than you ever imagined.

🙂 Aaah, shit, I don’t want to give up, give in, hand myself over. Read the post, it is beautiful :-).

I am happy that I quit. I don’t think I would be alive by now if I had not quit. I need to activate my free online alcohol desensitization course again because sometimes I feel I am wavering. I think it has to do with giving in to sugar, it makes me feel like ‘giving in all the way’. The other day I had a conversation with a dear friend (hi!) and, well, conversation, crying and sobbing and combining that with a sinus infection -> snot galore. But it was purifying. She asked me ‘What stayed?’ (after quitting drinking) and I came to shame, having and addictive personality, being a star in denial and realising how this ‘misunderstanding of life’ is within me and is something I need to keep on working on, possibly for the rest of my life. That was an absolute overwhelming realisation. Also the ‘not feeling at home in this life’ is a something that is big. But it somehow feels that the book I am reading about the mind will give me some tools to deal with it. I mean, as it says; we have been given a life and very few (in the Western World) have been getting a manual with it. Which is like driving a car without knowing how to. Which is very much how I feel in this life. Well, it is a path and I am walking.

I need: to turn the energy that is boiling under the surface into action. And get some money in. Just don’t know where to start and I still feel like a job interview would go like ‘Hi, I am Feeling, I’m an addict.’ I feel the addict part is too big in me still to feel safe in the outside world. Pffffff…. my communication stars are low. I posted my CV online, sort of ‘against my will’ but just because I, well, need to do something, and nobody reacts. 😦 That is not good. Normally when I send my CV while being motivated I get an invite. I feel this ‘working when I’m not in the right state of mind’ is not good. Pffff. Well. Work on it.
‘Accept that you are not communicative when you feel you are not. That is ok. And even if it is not ok, that is how it is.’
‘Well….’
‘Aaahrg! I need to do so much and I can’t, I feel I can’t and I, can’t.’
‘You seem stuck.’
‘I am stuck! I don’t want to go anywhere!’
‘Why?’
‘I don’t want to go anywhere!’
‘Hmmm.’
‘I don’t want to go ANYWHERE!!!’
‘I hear you.’
‘No you don’t!! You are just waiting for an opening to put your little finger behind so you can pry and get an entry into this! You want me to move!!! I don’t want to go anywhere. I am so tired. I am scared, I don’t know where to go, I feel so lonely, it feels like it does not matter, that doom will finally descend upon me and I will get what I had coming to me anyway. I don’t want to run anymore. Get it over with. And don’t give me your ‘catastrophe does not have to happen shit’. I have heard that before and time and time again I am in this position where life becomes horrible because this lurking doom is overwhelming me and it freezes me.’
‘I am sorry, I do not want to push you but I do not know what else to do but push you. I know I am pushing, I just can not seem not to push you. I fear if I do not push you, you will sit here till eternity and then they will chuck you out of your house. Do you realise you have responsibility over your cat too?’
‘You keep on pushing me and pushing me and I get no rest with you always criticizing me!! You are not helping, you are loading more shame and responsibility on me!’
‘And you are hiding behind your self-imposed so-called illness just to be lazy! As you have always done! You are just hanging about calling this ´spiritual growth´ while in fact you are going nowhere doing nothing!´
´That is not true and you know it.´
´Yeah, well, just putting it as I see it. Nothing you do is organised. It is all wishy-washy this and that, you would be so much, I don´t know, better at stuff, even the spiritual stuff when you just apply some discipline.´
´I WILL GET THERE!´
´Yeah, yeah, how many months behind on rent are you now?’
‘NOT HELPING!!’
‘DE-NI-AL!!’ Other people, your landlord will not even understand you as I do. You might want to think about that. In fact, if I was not here I am guessing you would not even get out of bed.’
‘That is not true. And yes, I am looking for a way to live without having you lurking, hovering, ready to jump in at every, any, mistake I make. I want to find a wat to live from inspiration not because I get punished into it.’
‘Yeah, well, funny thing is that with doing nothing as you do, you are actually moving straight into exactly that.’
‘Ooh my god, by now I know why I drank. To fucking get you out of my mind, shut you up.’
‘Yeah, blame me. How easy is that?’
‘You make that very easy, yes. Who are you anyway? And why the F! are you in my mind saying all these things and making me feel like shit.’
‘That last thing is your own choice, you can not blame me for you starting to feel shitty.’
‘Hmmm, who are you?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘??????’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘We have been honest-ish with each other for a while, why the ‘I don’t exist’ move?!’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘Duh?!’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘I hear you! Obviously this is not the correct question.’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘You are gone, where are you?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘How is this?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘So who have I been speaking with for the last half hour?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘Da fack!?!! What’s this ‘I don’t exist?!’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘What are you hiding now? Scared that you are found out?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘Where are you?’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘How come I can hear you?’
‘You want to hear me.’
‘Nah! NOT!!!’
‘I don’t exist, so it is not my idea.’
‘You’re fucking with my mind.’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘So you are what? A figment of my imagination? Why the hell would I make YOU up?’
‘Well, I don’t exist so…’
‘I believe you. But I do now know how it works. Are you a projection?’
‘Yes. I do not exist.’
‘I thought you were.’
‘I do not exist.’
‘If you do not exist it is myself who is doing this.’
‘I do not exist.’
‘I think you are my mother. You must be my mother, or internalized mother.’
‘I do not exist.’
‘I internalized a structure called ‘no good behaviour without punishment’ as an example of my mother’s behaviour, outdoing her so I would not have to disappoint her and then I could not carry the weight of it all and I turned it into another voice. I turned it into you and called it my mother.’
‘I do not exist.’
‘Yeah yeah yeah.’
‘I do not exist.’
‘De fuck am I going to do with you? You shamed me ALL THOSE YEARS!!!’
‘I do not exist.’
‘My mother shamed me all those years, she did!’
‘I do not exist.’
‘She did! And hmmm, I can not even imagine that she did not. Well, she did. That is how it is.

When seeing a child misbehave, do not shame or punish immediately, realise that they are having difficulty dealing with the situation. Help them with that.

‘And that takes a shame free basis to work from. With shame that openness towards children is not possible because we would only transfer our shame to the other. That is what happened. That is what you did to me.’
‘I am not your mother. I do not exist. Your mother did exist, and I think it was like you say. I do not exist.’
‘Perfection. I was shamed and then I developed an internal ‘mother’ to shame me even more so I would become perfect and not be shamed. I internalized very strict boundaries to behaviour in order to reach that goal. I made you very big. Part of the drinking was to shut you up while actually…. I even think somehow the creation of you is part of the doom thing inside.’
‘I don’t exist’.
‘Yeah, you get away easy. So here you are telling me off for what, 40 plus years and now you are ‘not responsible’ and run off. I thought I always did the running.’
‘I don’t exist.’
‘Yeah, yeah, don’t exist, can’t run. My fault all over again. Got it.’
‘I don’t exist’.
‘Yeah yeah, and you did not say the my fault thing either, that’s ALL me.’
‘Well, it is if you wish it to be…’
‘Smart! :-p’

Pffff. The voices in my head, I only listen to those with the original replies, if I know up front what they will say I know it’s me making stuff up. Well, in the end I assume it is all me making stuff up, just different parts of me. Do you have those conversations? I thought I’ld type them out, see where it would get me. I guess it will take an extra step because I am not willing to accept that I hurt myself this badly. Possibly because I can’t cry over the real hurt where I feel my mother (sorry mom) was not able to bring me up without shaming me over a few things which are very essential to me; my outspokenness, my liveliness (Huh? Where did that go?), my sexuality, my enthusiasm. I was ‘too much’ and in that she shamed me into being less and STILL I agree with her. Ok: If this is what it takes for you to love me than I would rather not adhere to your wishes. You go deal with your own shame!’ Or something like that. Not there yet. More insight though.

I take: Ayurvedic pills.

On discipline: practising going to bed early and waking up early, and doing tiny things like taking paper out, sewing buttons on. Sometimes it works. Ooh, did admin the other day with a friend. I wrote several posts in the time that I did not publish but they all dunno, did not finish. So discipline, I’m looking for a enthusiastic lively way in instead of shaming and punishing me into stuff. Can’t do that anymore. Need to work that out. Still feel all my discipline is caught up in not drinking, not that I think I need that, but still. Not sure how to do it differently.

Also practising eating less by imagining the amount of food in the pot in my belly. Sometimes I am down to halve of what I used to eat. And then I compensate with chocolate afterwards. Well, somethings is moving. Progress, not perfection. I might make a note and put it on the kitchen and my shopping bag, as to remind me.

3 Things: 1 beautiful weather for weeks on now in The Netherlands, allows for nice outings on the bike and with friends (hi!). 2 The book I am reading. 3 Maybe I am grateful for the process I am in. Feel like I do not have a right to be grateful for the mess I have created but still… I still feel I am exactly where I need to be, learning, and mostly also unlearning what I need to. Slowly reversing this misconception of life and living.

I want: haha, of course I want things to be easy, I want the bookstore man to say sorry by himself (like that is ever going to happen…) without me having to take the first step, I want to be able to ask my mom about the shame and earlier on, I want somebody to come up to me and say ‘I have this beautiful job for you in a eco-store (or a bookstore!), 3-4 days a week, as much as you like, no pressure, just work, no obligations, just showing up and doing your work.’ So I can earn some money while sorting myself out.

Hope you, hahah, well, maybe enjoyed what you were reading. Not sure about that. And still not writing to get to that stage because there is so much not enjoyable stuff that needs to get out. The other day I read some old post of mine, some of which I can’t even remember writing – which is, eh, disturbing. But ghegheghe, I actually think I am not allowed to say this but I laughed my head off. I mean, some, well, big parts of it are pretty dark if not boring but ghegheghe, this continuous wrestling and the bravery, the lack of propriety, the directness, these Don Quichot aspects, I like it. If I would be somebody else I think I would really like me. (?) And in that sentence is enough material to write a whole new post. Or maybe, it would look exactly like this one. Well, I’m done here for now. I hope you have a good day! 🙂

xx, Feeling