Here I am, I have not touched an alcoholic drink in over 13 months. I even forgot the monthyversary! And still my life is not as I, I do not know. It is not very comfortable having many months of rent on the house outstanding – there is money to cover that but that is only coming up when I…. pay the administrator for his services over 2013 (for which he actually said: don’t worry about that bill, it will come… ).
I was going to write my life is ‘not as I wish’ but I do not even know what I wish.
I notice that I do EXACTLY the same with my life as I did 30 years ago. Up to the age of 14-15 my life seemed in perfect order. Lots of things were wrong, very wrong even, but I sort of lived that and took it for granted. At school I had always been in the top 2 or 3, often number 1. My goal was to be tremendously succesful, rich, outshine anybody who had hurt me in the past and of course be so stand-offish and above everybody that nobody would dare to hurt me. I guess that was about my plan for Life. Hmmm, reading this now I can assume that addiction was already present. Addiction as in ‘using something from the outside to fix the shame inside’, the power of addiction and the addiction to power. Gabor Maté had a beautiful Ted Talk on this.
At age 15 I sort of fell out of society. I do not want to write about it. I fell out and saw no way to come back. When I finally spoke with my mother on what had happened, asking her to NOT take up contact with school, at least not immediately. We would try to work stuff out between us. She promised that and the next day immediately took up contact with the school. I am not sure what astonished me most: the reason that she did OR the fact that she did not even have the courtesy to do so behind my back. I came home at 16:00 hours and there she was on the phone, with school, telling exactly all the details I would have liked to keep secret. That evening I ran away from home for the first time.
Well, what was I trying to say. I was trying to say that I still deal with things the same way. Procrastinating, hiding, denial, running away, bad at looking for help. Oh yeah, I have visited my therapist (hi!) twice the last month but that is about getting the spiritual stuff sorted out. What really bugs me is that I do not sort out my financial stuff. I know they are both different ends of the same stick and if I do not do the one, I can not do the other – but still. I keep on doing the spiritual, personal development side while the part where it is darkest, where it smells is not taken care of. I HAVE been looking at job advertisements though! AND I enjoyed it. NEW!!!
Well, eh, I need to go do stuff. I do more stuff now. I read in an Ayurveda book that waking up on time has very good benefits for your health and ever since I do so I feel WAY better. And I get more stuff done, not so much because I really plan and work to do them but because I can latch on to the ‘going’ energy of the morning. Now I just need to organise stuff a little more. Baby steps but it is all improving even though. Liking my Ayurvedic pills.
For logging purposes and FYI if you are interested: this week there was a moment where I felt old-skool happy! Wonderful. 🙂 I had been cooking a special Indian recipe. I realised that I have been happy, but not like that, with contentment. Guessing being happy because I am building on something I really want is different from the happy even though I live on quick sand. :-).
Well, this is a funny post. Writing while I actually want to do other stuff. What I wanted to say: I am in need to looking at procrastinating and hiding and denial and I find that is difficult because I continously blame and shame myself. After the last post on the differnce between doubts and laziness I found some moments where I can look at the subject with compassion for myself and that makes the learning much easier. I have always wondered what makes a great teacher. Now I think I know: a person with compassion for others. Also meaning that the person needs compassion for oneself. Only when we know and accept our own darkness we can recognise and accept the darkness of another.
So yes, in short: compassion makes learning easier. 🙂
I am happy that I quit because I now start to get an inkling of how widespread the whole addictive personality thing is in me an realising that if I do not deal with it, I will stay falling over my own feet for the rest of my life. So hey, looking at it, feeling through it, learning for 13 months something now. Now I need to get to the dealing with. On my way!
I need: to get organised.
I want: to get organised. Haha, no, I want things to be easy, I dislike being organised because it pins me down in a place, in a space, to be looked at or shunned, shamed and shot. Hmmm. Well, if that is how it feels, that is how it feels. Let’s see.
I take; Ayurvedic pills.
On sugar: no sugar for about 10 days now. I did cheat with grapes. Ate 500 grams over 3 days. Gehgehgeh… first portion was 1/5th, the second doubled in size with me trying not to notice and doing all the familiar denial things. It is so…… I don’t know… sometimes I think frustrating. I practised compassion and it turned to informative. Btw: do you have that? These repeating addiction patterns in other substances or behaviour?
On discipline: growing naturally, from a source of Life which is waking up. Not yet focussed towards a subject though.
3 Things: beautiful whether, my Ayurvedic pills, Life returning.
Hope you have a nice day, sorry for the unstructured post. I want to go do stuff.