Coming out of the closet

That was a strange dark night with a silver lining yesterday. I think I’ve got it worked out: I am not depressed, I am shamming.

Yes, I do have a whole lot going on, but I am thinking the reason I’m not getting ahead with some points is because I have excuses for everything. ‘Not being able to’ and ‘depressed’ is the main. Always has been since, wow, since early age but mostly since I got shunned at school for publicly exposing people who were stealing from the student activity fund. They stole money, sold tickets to a humongous party we had organised (5000 kids) on the black market, making 20 box a ticket on top of the real price. In the end I think 1000 tickets went for the correct price. It worked out, I was the only one in the student board who cared, all the rest had dirty hands so I (with my usual – lack off – diplomacy, idealism and need to be heard) was the only one saying something.

From that moment on all the people who I mistakenly thought were my friends shunned me. I got laughed at behind my back, ridiculed, sabotaged in my work for the student board. And those who were actually my friends got bored with me for being so angry and upset and not letting it rest. I turned my aggression on them, looking for perfection and criticising everything anybody did wrong. I started missing school. It badly combined with my parents having fights every, every, every day. There was no place for them to listen to me and what had happened. They did not understand. I think this is the point in my life where aggression and dislike for people (sorry 😦 ) really kicked in. So I also lost my normal friends.

On top of that puberty happened, hormones flying everywhere. You might have noticed I do everything with ‘gusto’. Puberty too. Guys happened. Since home was no longer a safe place I figured a boyfriend would be. Boyfriend 2 coerced me into having sex against my desire by leaning on me till I gave in. It was horrible. I was so scared I could not even move or walk or…  Well, so much for love. 😦

His father was an alcoholic and actually once spied on me while I was undressing. He was loaded that night. My boyfriend was utterly upset and saying things like ‘You can not watch because she is MY girlfriend.’ His father replied with something like him ‘not being a man anyway’. Funny how this exchange of ‘ownership’ of me made me feel disgusted and lost even more than having been watched.

His mother was a big depressed mess on meds and she did the spying too. She said it was in order to prevent me from getting pregnant. They lived in a shed where this was technically possible. No doors could be locked. It was a very sick situation. In the end I got all confused over everything, could not focus on my homework anymore, dropped from class best to worst within a few months. My parents had not thoughts on checking my marks, so I burned it. Then I reconsidered and extinguished the fire – I wasn’t all dark. And then months, months later I got into trouble for the black edges and finally yelled: ‘You don’t care anyhow, how come you say you care and it is only after months that you enquire after my grades?’

In the end I could not deal anymore and ran away from home. Twice actually. An uncle from another country half way through the world came along and said he would take care of me. My parents knew they could not deal so the let him deal. He was rich and had a 30 year younger woman friend whom he forced to have sex because he was paying everything and she should be grateful – she did not want to live on the streets again did she. I got away to private school and got to live with a family. The family abused their children, hitting them till they cried and then hitting them because the cried. Total mess. I was 15 and the ‘man’ in the house one evening saw his chance and invited me to his bed.Thing is: I knew he was going to do that at the first second I ever saw him.

I was scared shitless. I was in a strange city, no adults anywhere I had seen more than once. I politely declined and went to bed. I did not dare to oppose anybody because I was afraid that this dangerous ‘hunter – huntee’ dynamic would start. Next day I ran off to a friend and cracked up crying and crying and crying in front of her parents who then took me in and arranged me to live with other people. Somehow they forced me to go get my stuff on my own. Not sure what is educational in that. It was a small community so maybe that is why. The woman of the house came to speak with me and said: ‘I would not have mind if you slept with him, we are open in such matters.’ I again politely declined saying that I would feel strange living there and sleeping with her husband while my idea of marriage was a more sacred deal.  She said to not mind because she could not be bothered sleeping with him. Now there’s a nice sneak peek into adult life….

My uncle, who placed me in the first house said I was a nuisance and embarrassment and I had hurt the friends of his wife and must have caused all this anyhow because he knew how women could be. Ass hole. I took his money and when months later I got home I have never contacted him since. I hear he’s got quite a drink on him.

All this memories now coming back to me when thinking about depression. I’m not  depressed. This morning I was delighted with having worked out my issue. Well, as far as I can oversee it now. I just don’t want to grow up. Growing up means abuse, means getting married to a man who will abuse me more and I’ll be stuck. Like my mom. And we’ll have children and somehow I will not be able to care for them because in my mind that is what parents do: make kids and exactly not care. They have many reasons for that. My mom had cancer and a bad marriage, and alcohol near by to help her not deal. My father had an 80 hour job and alcohol nearby, and Aspergers.

You know, all in all growing up did not look exactly rosy. So I started not dealing. I skipped classes, ran away, thought that depression was ‘bon ton’, at least it helped me to not have to go to school. I don’t think I’m medically depressed. If anything I have bipolar 2. But I tend to think that all those DSM things are just another succesful or unsuccessful way of dealing with what our current f@cked up society brings us. All these hurt people doing all these stupid things to themselves and to others.

So, not depressed. Feeling depressed for sure, but that is something different. So that is my coming out: I’m not depressed, I’m shamming. The other day I thought: ‘Didn’t my mother have it easy, having cancer, not having to be responsible for anything.’ That’s not even the worse, the worse is that I thought: ‘I wish I had it so I don’t have to deal with this shit. I guess I could go back to drinking then and all would be over quickly.’

Do I mean that? Yes, as in: that is my usual way to deal with things, shamming, talking myself into depression. Do I still mean that now that I have shone some light on it? No, I see it now as a standard, ill perceived way of trying to deal, using the wrong ‘tool’ for difficult. It’s like using a sledge hammer to sew up a cut. 🙂 Well, anything with gusto :-D.

I think I never got round to realising how I approach things because I felt that if I did it differently I would deny the hurt. And, with some drama I would like to add: ‘like everybody denied my pain.’ But the thing is not anymore that everybody denied it. The thing is that I denied it. I could not find compassion for me. I found shame. I was ashamed about my pain and thought that if people mistreat me like that, and my parents don’t seem to care, I must be a useless person. I thought the pain had to be big in order to have an excuse not to live, not to deal. So I made it worse in my head. For the record: all of what I have written is true, nothing has been exaggerated, more like it, things have not been told or left out. Just seeing this as the only thing I have in life and as a reason not to live, not to live to my max, not to move on – that is not the correct solution. It it not a good concept. 🙂 Drinking does not solve problems, hanging on to pain neither. Pain needs to be seen, recognised, incorporated and healed, I should breathe through it. Not encapsulated as a nightmarish story and carried around. I guess it was too much to deal, and from day one I took the wrong path. I guess because my pain was not recognised. I could not move on because it was not seen. That’s why I hung on, blew up my bad expectations of life.

Last night I read some of my early posts back and was shocked by the pain in them. I finally recognised that what I have been going through is not ideal. And yes, I know there are people who have it far worse than I. But.. I am me. And I have to deal with me. So yes. I am hurt and broken down but it does not have to stop me from those things I can do. And that is what I do. I have excuses, for everything. It feels like I have so many excuses that I should enter excuse-rehab. So…. exactly on time this tea label shows up. Personal development by tea-label? Yes, can do. 🙂

Not sure how to continue but I am fucking happy that I don’t have to put all that energy into working out why I don’t have to clean the house e.g. Yeah!!!! 🙂

I am HAPPY that I quit. Happy that I’m going through this rough patch here. Happy that I am learning, through learning about shame and compassion (and taking some related Bach-remedies I guess) that I have found and entry to this procrastinating attitude. The other day a astrologer said that my stars were aligned the same way as they were 30 years back. That is when I was 15 and all the above horrible things happened. I don’t want to go there anymore. I want to learn to deal. 🙂 Anything must be better than having to go through that again. 😀

I fear: NOTHING!!!!! :-D. BS, but I’m again on some cloud where I am happy that I quit so I can finally work out these issues that keep me from getting where I want.

I want: to get a move on. And…. now learn to set realistic goals. That is the next goal.

I need: to learn how to move from here. All this energy that is freed up needs direction.

I take: Schuessler salts on high blood pressure and Bach remedies on shame, guilt, compassion, perfection and procrastinating.

I’m happy that I quit. 🙂 Hope you are too. And thank you for having read this again way too long post. Still not editing here.

Have a nice day or evening, weekend!

xx, Feeling