I went to see the GP today. My blood pressure is up like crazy, 155 over 82. It is so strange; I was going because it felt like I almost fell over because of low blood pressure like I did when I was a teenager. It’s not and I’m lost. I don’t seem to know up from down anymore. I just don’t understand. I used to be able to predict my readings within 5, max 10 points of what it was. Now I’m more than 55 points off. I don’t understand. And I am scared and disillusioned because I’m fucking up my life but that was at least something I had, something that was going well. I don’t understand. I’m scared. My one favorite tool: feeling my way back suddenly keeled over and I did not notice. It is scary. I just want to give in and not care anymore. (As always that feeling will have changed when I’m done writing, which is why I write… :-))
My tea label of 2 days ago said ‘give up your excuses’ – which is exactly what I need to do. I opened it while the book store man asked what was stopping me from doing what I want to do. If that is not a sign….. But shit it is hard to do. Next thing what happens is that I’m caught with the flu or a heavy cold and blood pressure up. I guess it’s exactly exactly exactly what I need to do: give up the reasons that keep me from being happy. I have my own quote, it’s a bit too long to become popular but it says: ‘How many reasons do you need to exactly not do what you want?’ I guess I am reaching my procrastinating rock-bottom. So many things changing in me lately. Book store man says that transition to clarity always hurts and that when you (I) step onto the path the first situations that come up will be hurting a lot. He says it is part of the process of becoming clear. Well, he says ‘enlightened’ but that’s a bit far off for me :-D. Don’t even know what it means.
I do like ‘clear’ though. I want to be clear. No I don’t. I want things to be messy so I can hide and I don’t have to perform. Well, that is clear too I want to move past that. I don’t want to hang around in this less than mediocre life, performing worse than I can. I just don’t. And then I get started and I want to do everything right and I get really frustrated with how much time everything takes and then I get side tracked, don’t feel like I achieved something and I finally give up and feel tired, useless and disheartened.
This morning I started cleaning the kitchen. My juicer is on the counter, it was ok to put in the cabinet just like that. But I saw a spot here and there and then I was cleaning the whole thing and getting frustrated over doing so. I was wondering (with the lost job in mind and a whole lot of other things not working out), if this is how I do stuff…. no wonder I don’t get things done.
And then there is shame. Shame over having been proud that I fixed my blood pressure before and now fail at it with the one asset that I trust most in my life: my feelings. Last night in bed I had an epiphany where I was inside my body seeing how things work, feeling energy and life and everything. It was a very trippy experience and it felt amazing. I was happy, thinking that it was a break through to another level of feeling my way back into life. And now it seems a lie. I don’t understand.
Feelings are not facts – which is true. I believe feelings are designed to help us judge things even without facts. So that if we take a bite from the wrong plant, or drink from the wrong cup, we dislike it because it feels bad and from there we build facts: eat this plant -> not good. I’m trying to develop this feature because it is closest to me. Closer than following what the doctor says anyhow. :-D. Hmmm, I might rephrase that to ‘closer than following what anybody says’. So. Add, pig-headed. 🙂
Back to shame: shame, the uncomfortable feeling of not being enough, not being good enough ‘no matter what’. The feeling that the first article of the declaration of human rights counts for everybody, except me. ‘All human beings are born free and equal in dignity and rights.’ Well, I’m one step ahead of that: it does count for me but that’s just because people are being nice and they are supposed to say I’m equal because the rights say so. A perfect example of how to use my intelligence to sabotage me.
I want to get rid of this thinking. Because it is destructive and counter productive. And because I just don’t want to feel like that anymore. I remember situations, bad situations, situations of abuse, small, big, where I would feel shame because people did things like that to me. And more over, because the persons who were supposed to take care of me and prevent these things from happening did not take action against it. I have taken that upon me as a failure of me to be nice enough to be cared about.
I wanted to add in an old post where this feeling of shame is expressed in a historical situation and I read back to my early, just sober, angry posts. Shit. There is a lot of sadness and anger there. Does it sound funny when I say ‘I never noticed it was that bad.’?
Trying to work out what the biological / ecological function of shame is. Guilt is easy: do something wrong, feel guilty. That makes sense. But shame? Shame is the opposite of what? Worth? Google!!!! Googling ‘What is the opposite of shame’ gives this video.
I now think I know why I was so mad at my mother that she got cancer. I was 12 at first and I remember being scared at first and later being angry, angry, soooo angry. We always had to put her first. It was not fair. (Yes that is ‘childish’ but I was a child) ‘Mind your mother.’ Continuously not having ones needs met creates shame, the feeling of being not enough, of being wrong, not important. Well, that’s my thought now.
I am moved by how the man in the video misreads his paper at 10:57 where he says: ‘listen to their rejections, eh, responses’. To me that shows how deeply engrained shame is. He’s been working on it for years and still automatically comes up with ‘re….jections’ instead of ‘responses’. But I can look at it with compassion now, so something must have changed. That would mean that I am starting to be able to bear the feeling, be at ease with it. Otherwise I would be projecting and angry and not at ease. So that is good I guess. 🙂
Compassion that is expressed softens hurt in another. Like the kiss we give a child that is hurt. Ghegheghe, as a young kid I once told my mother that she had to ‘mean it’ when she kissed me on my hurt knee otherwise it would not work. Ghegheghe…. She was surprised, and taken aback. Ghegheghe, imagine having a toddler telling you that. :-D. Ghegheghe, I guess I was feeling my way through life at a very young age already.
Shame, tapping on shame? The last days I can’t get past the ‘I love and accept myself’. Nope. I hate and despise myself. And while putting this down in writing I can realise how destructive it is. The book store man told me the other day that I should really start taking care of my negative intentions because he felt they are hurtful to me. I guess he is right and I feel sad about it. More and more I am thinking that I force myself to feel small so I don’t have to deal with the real world where I would be ‘big’ or ‘normal’ and ‘interacting’. I am envisioning all kinds of threats (difficult word! threads, treats, traits, treads, pfffffff). So obviously my experience is that when I am standing on my own two feet, taking the space I feel that is entitled to me, I will be shamed and put down. Nothing is coming to mind as a memory, just the thought that this is how I think it works. Not sure if I’m blaming the victim here, adding guilt to the shame – but actually I don’t think so. There is a place in me where I can look at all the hurt that currently surrounds me and feel ‘this is how it was, you don’t have to stay there’. And when I align with my spirit there and then that is what I feel is the truth. I don’t have to be all tangled up in misery and I keep myself undeveloped by doing so. I think I have to learn to align more often to grow out of the misery. Time to get the egg-timer again. 🙂
With my character I can imagine that I would have had difficulty taking only my own space. Also the memory of going to another school where everybody spoke dialect and they tried to shame me into saying I spoke ‘strange’ and I lashed out that ‘you all speak strange’ so convincingly that 30 kids backed off and felt the shame they were trying to put on me. Can’t find the post I did on it. There is a strange energetic pull towards that memory. Lots of things connect to it. I guess it takes anger or lifeforce to deflect shaming. But also something soft like compassion to keep it flexible, moving, let the energy not turn hard and stiff and breakable. Maybe when I study shame I should study compassion too.
Shame, the feeling that I am not good enough, somehow lacking where other people are ‘normal’. Today it feels like just another excuse not to do what I should do. Not sure what that is but feeling ashamed and down will not get me there. My internal voice says: ‘let go, it it is not the path.’ With this insight it feels like shame is there as just another one of all the feelings set in place to guide us along our way. Feeling good = repeat. Feeling bad = let’s try it differently next time.
That’s funny. So how did I in my addiction (and in my current procrastinating behaviour) come to the ‘Feeling bad = let’s try that again!’ ? Hmmm, somebody I know once said we don’t easily become addicted to the (natural) stuff where the bad effect (nausea, fear, throwing up comes before the bliss. We only get addicted to the refined, unnatural drugs where the bad effects come after the bliss*. So because I never understood the time delay with the badness I chose the quick fix. Yes. I can see truth in that. The quick fix. Not staying with the dis-ease. Not being able to carry the dis-ease that life brings but wanting to go away from it. IMMEDIATELY. I wonder how this comes about. I’m thinking it is a skill that can be / should ideally be taught by the parents, by society. Society does not teach anything like that actually. When in the last 50 years did patience become a character trait to be practised by boring old people only?
*Currently I would rephrase that because I think we have, in this society, been indoctrinated to think that alcohol brings us ‘bliss’ or at least ‘something’ while any unspoiled child thinks it tastes &#@!! awful and people who drink it start behaving weird and turn nasty.
This post has again become way too long. If you’re still with me: thank you for reading. Writing helps me to figure stuff out and that you read and comment helps me on my way. So thank you for that :-).
I am VERY HAPPY that I quit, I’m seeing some light here now. As the GP says: a lot of people would have started drinking again after being fired. That thought has crossed my mind but I just can’t afford it. If I win a million Euro’s, that’s when I get in trouble.
I fear: I am happy and convinced that I can solve things. Maybe not now, maybe it will take longer but I can do a lot when I put my mind to it.
I want: to go to bed.
I need: to go to bed.
I take: well… guess…. 😀 Schuessler salt on high blood pressure. 😉
Have a good night / day.