What would a woman who loves herself do? She would love herself.

I just asked the Universe what I wanted from life. And I did get an answer, loud and clear.

Chips and sex. (and more but that only followed after accepting the chips and sex)

Ghegheghe, the chips have been consumed. And NO, this is not going to be a ‘moan about sex post again’. Sex is, well, as it is. Ok, 2,5 paragraphs, but they are less moany. I think/hope. Still don’t want to go out and do what I would need to do to get that ‘fixed’. Happy to say that lots has changed since the last post on this subject. Guess, looking at the almost total lack of replies to that post, you are happy too that things are changing ;-). Ghegheghe… yes, yes, sorry to make you feel uncomfortable. And: to me it is part of my process. Which is why I do not censor it. As said before: my blog is not one that speaks of the cakes I baked for the community. I’m not there to bake cakes for the community (yet?) but there is something NEW!!BIG! NEW!!

What has changed? Being able to let of steam of is the post of last week has been very good. It helped me to see things in a less ‘heated’ (?) mode which immediately opened my eyes to the reality of this world where I realise that I, when I am at ease, doing the thing a woman who loves herself would do, I don’t even fancy the person(s) whom I fancy/fancied.

It is so strange to really realise that his this ‘getting thrown around by overwhelming feelings’ is just another addiction (NEW!!). I see little difference between addiction to booze and addiction to what could be called ‘intimacy’ if it were not that the total lack of intimacy is required to have random sex with a random stranger as I used to have when drinking and sexing. Well, actually that is not totally true because I did bring a let’s make love approach to the bedroom.. Want to add here that it is actually easier to… I was going to write ‘love somebody who you don’t know at all than love somebody who you do know’. This got me thinking about 3 things. First: is it ‘who’ or ‘whom’? Don’t want to look it up. Second: how socially unacceptable, how misguided, how, how, how fix driven and socially inapt (? good word?) is that thought? Third: How amazing is this process of trying to un-addict and again and again walking, falling, stumbling into territory which I am so unfamiliar with. And the cool thing is that biology / spirit / The Universe makes sure that this all happens in time. Soooo cool. 🙂

Well, chips and sex. Guess I’m down in the pyramid of Maslov very much.

In spiritual words that would have to do with first and second chakra issues. I guess I could look into that. If I felt like it.

So what is the real theme here? Behind the getting worked up about sex. When I let go of those thoughts I keep on thinking that I do EXACTLY NOT what I want to do. Even right now with writing this. I have been overwhelmed so much by what has been going on that I forgot about ‘what would a woman who loves herself do’. I think, I think I am afraid of the answer. Because the answer is that I do not want to live like I do. Since I started using the ‘wwawwlhd’ question I have been looking for and finding open doors. When I don’t ask myself that question I tend to run into closed doors, into walls. Head first. And inside I keep on experiencing this enormous life force which is totally useless due to a lack of direction. Totally, totally useless and shit, because I don’t listen to it, it takes me places where I don’t want to go. NEW realisation. I should be taking Wild Oat from the Bach remedies. See if that helps break this pattern of loads of ability and total lack of focus.

I realise now that I, having not written for such a long time in March and that this makes that I am less aware of what has been going on inside.

Scary things happening right at this moment. I asked myself ‘wwawwlhd’ and I FINALLY ADMITTED (NEW!!); she would look up a function in her homeland to do some eco farming. So I hit the internet looking for eco farms in the region where I come from. The first page I find, actually from a place I know from earlier in life, opens with a vacancy for a farmer. How is that for synchronicity. Specifically because I had a conversation with a guy who wants to be a farmer this morning and he said ‘there are hardly any vacancies’.

Then again, how is this more true than the ‘Chips and sex’ message from above? Guess they are both true. Now what to do with it? Nothing. 🙂 That is just how it is. And here the pattern continues. I just vocalised what I want and am happy and in comes this familiar system of putting sadness between me and everything good to ruin the energy flow: “Wish I had not blown all the money I used to have, I could have done a down payment on the farm. :-(.” I guess I do that because I think I do not deserve good things.

Not drinking has given me the freedom to become aware of (destructive) patterns. I can not always change them yet but in time they become more and more clear. Life feels like walking on this see-saw; one moment I walk on the one side and then cross over to the other side. But by now I am becoming aware of it. And not drinking the confusion over it away. NEW!  🙂 I do eat it away with chocolate. That is NEW-ish too but even there are things happening. Aaah, I will NOW make signs with the question ‘What would a woman who loves herself do?’ and hang them up in the house.

I hung up 4 signs throughout the house. It gives SO MUCH ENERGY! I’ve been cleaning all kinds of stuff which has been laying around for ages. NEW!!!! 🙂

So, on farming. Can I handle a small farm, with 20 something livestock and several hectares? Yes I can. Not on my own but I can. It is on ‘the other side of the country’ but big enough for friends to come over. This feels like a door which is open. I think I should pursue. Let’s see where this road goes. I open up FB and this is the first post I get. 🙂 I guess I am back on track. :-). I feel I am finally where I need to be.

Another piece of sadness popping up: the other side of the country is only 200 and maximum 400 kilometers in The Netherlands 😉 but because of the small distances people do not travel the perceived bigger distances so I am scared to move back to where my heart wants to live and lose my friends. Wow, I have made that decision to allow myself to want to go back. It sounds futile but allowing myself to want this is Big. Crying here. So long so much homesickness. Funny how big this denial is/was. Not funny. My heart feels like it is  resetting currently, it IS resetting and it feels like it is finally flowing again. Denying myself the love for my homeland. I never knew it hurt so bad. Not sure how to proceed but this revelation is important to me.

I’ll show you how beautiful it is! 🙂 These are a few photos but here is a link to the full Google search 

 

Allowing myself to want this is, well, it connected to so much. I feel I am allowing myself my true place in the world. Not the one that I thought I needed to have, not the intelligent, rich, capable consultant but me. 🙂 I feel like Fiona chosing to be the ogre. 🙂

Don’t read this paragraph. I only put it in for later reference. Continue the one below. It is sad and dark. Funny, the not funny sort of funny is that the actual place where there is a vacancy also connects back to the place where I overheard a conversation about sex (right back to the subject) which caused me considerable damage. In the country side it is custom for kids to bike to school in big groups of 20 to even 200 kids. The longer the distance, the bigger the group because more kids latch on. The two people upfront bike for about 5 minutes at the head of the group and then move to the side and back to let others catch the wind and so on. The stronger the wind, the less minutes at the head. My friend and I were biking in front of some guys who were discussing the weekend. A boy described ‘getting’ a girl who was in love with him and putting his hand down her panties and then he roared, full of despise:  “Whoah! She was WET!!!” and his friend even outdid him in despising her and answered: “Jeeeez, what a SLUT!” And it was decided, she was a slut, a whore, some ‘thing’ to be used and thrown away and they planned on getting the story out at the school yard. What I notice now is that even though I was no part to this , the experience is deeply embedded in my view of the world, men and sex. It is dark. I need to let it go. I want to let it go. I do not want to keep on latching onto that darkness of others. Out with it!

Soo… I’m back 🙂 You can continue here 🙂 I have written the above yesterday and I continue today. You know what? A woman who loves herself would love herself. ❤ NEW!!! Took me a while to figure that one out. 🙂 But I guess by acting upon what I felt like a woman who loves herself would do I now finally (?) start to internalize it. NEW!!! This sobriety thing is GOOD in so many NEW ways. 🙂

I have a kilo of eco dates laying next to me because the shop was out of the pound wrappings. Yesterday that felt like ‘safety’. Today it feels like ‘What?!’. I feel like I have shifted my core to the right place. My feet belong to my body now too. 🙂 My body is not a thing with additions like legs and arms anymore, it is becoming one. Wheeeeee! I think I have, partially possibly, let go of the need to punish myself. And yes I am/was scared because of all the free-floating going on inside since yesterdays revelations but I’m finding solid ground now after I sublimated the heck out if it while cleaning the house. Really getting into this spring urge to clean is WONDERFUL! 🙂

The need to punish myself. “If I punish myself, at least I am doing something good.” I feel me not losing weight has something to do with punishing myself. Suddenly, with the discovery of yesterday I feel that all these thoughts which were impossible before now come within reach.

I am happy that I quit. 🙂 Like really, really happy. 🙂

I want: to work on myself to become the best I can be.

I need: to continue to love myself and stay aware of what is going on.

I take: Schuessler salts 8, 9, 10 for/against urticaria/hives and haha, it is working! It is not totally gone yet but when I now scratch my arm with a pen the skin does not pop up anymore. Like this: (not my photo btw). I take salt 11 against hair loss and swollen breast thingies / lack of focus / detoxing / fear of failure / difficulty in uptake of nutrients

I am reading some extra info on Schuessler salt 11 Silicea and it mentions Menière, this ‘falling’ disease. Funny because since taking the salt I have the feeling that I suddenly could fall over if I just had not stopped myself from doing so. These salts, they are powerful. Dangerous thing is when you don’t have the correct amount/quantity it feels easy to overdo it and actually GET the symptoms/illness/imbalance I was trying to heal. I need to find some info on this balancing of the salts. I have noticed unbalancing happening after 3 times of taking them already. Guess I am sensitive but so sensitive? Wish I had the money to do a course in this. 🙂 Well, that needs to go on the to do list.

Again, I am happy that I quit. Hope you are happy that you (will be) quit(ting) too! Not saying it is easy but in my life not easy, reality and progress beat not easy, depression and regression.

Wishing you a good day! Happy that the spell check is back in WP! I’m gonna do some more washing and cleaning. 🙂 Sublimating the heck out if this spring feelings! 😉

xx, Feeling