Healing the shame that binds you

“Healing the shame that binds” you is the title of a book by John Bradshaw it is about shame and I am currently reading it. Or reading and sobbing or being all over the place is a more accurate description of my current state. Can I call that a state? Hmm, changing the subject again. Ok. Shame. It says shame, like all emotions has its function to keep us from going outside boundaries which are healthy. Shame in people with an addictive personality is the core position from where ‘they’ (i!) view the world. I guess this is true for me. How many times in this blog have I written something like ‘If I despise myself, at least I do something good.’ That would be living from shame. It sucks. But I need to because I can’t let go. If I let go terrible things happen. My corrupted instinct says I will be killed if I let go of shame. (And here I deleted a paragraph on the subject of sex and shame and being killed because I feel ashamed about the subject and the relation and because it might actually contradict something I wrote earlier and I do not feel like I can currently handle any more progressive insights.)

I got this book second-hand and left it outside for 2 weeks because it was formerly owned by somebody smoking the heaviest type of tobacco. Awful stench! Hello ex-book reader, fellow addict, hope the book helped you. πŸ™‚

Earlier in the last 1,5 year I did a post on John Bradshaw and shame and guilt and gosh I disliked him. In his vids he preaches and I feel little acceptance and a lot of shaming going on. Still, what he says and writes is very interesting. Still, my not so humble opinion is that he has not done the last bit of the processing or healing of the issues because in the vids he still meets me as shaming.

Well, the above was written a week ago. Since then I have been paying attention to the shaming that goes on at my work. It is funny in a very sad way to notice that every ‘instruction’ we receive from our boss includes shaming. 😦 Not sure what to do with it. Some days I feel like I need to log it and think about it, other days I fear that logging would make me hang on to the issue. On the other hand: I would like to speak with her about this, some day and she will make minced meat of me (that would be a Dutch saying translated to English) if I do not show examples.

The other day, in a meeting, she told me that the colleagues who were not present dislike the fact that I speak with them. It felt weird, it felt like being lied to. I told her I would take it up with them. She looked a bit weird then, I could not place it. I was a little surprised because the girls and I have a lot of fun and this feels genuine. The next day my boss told the collegues what she had said to me. The collegues immediately came running to me to inform me that the have NEVER told her that or did anything to give her such an impression and that they appreciate the liveliness I bring. I believe them. It feels true, what else can I go by? So next when my boss, again, tells me to shut up because I ‘irritate the girls’ I informed her that ‘the girls’ had told me that they appreciate me and my ‘chatter’ and that they assured me that they never said anything to her about this. Boss was FURIOUS and said she would take it up with them because she did not like to be called a liar by them. I was a little detached, I was detached big time so the only thing I thought was ‘Well, maybe you should not say these things then.’ And continued working, did not give it another thought untill my male colleague cracked up after the boss left and said: “My god, DO YOU EVER LEARN?!!! You just called her a liar in her face with all of us here?!! No matter how right you are, she will get back at you.”

“Ooh yeah, ooh shit. Fuck! Hmmm, I just thought I would inform her of what I heard. Ooh shit, here I go again, this Don Quixote tendencies :-(.”

Yeah, in fact I did call her a liar in her face with others present :-(. Which is indeed, technically what I did. I guess what got to her is that I did not even show anger or irritation, I showed absolute surety might have upset her more. I don’t know, doesn’t matter. She did not get back at me. 2 Days later I got a new contract with the words “I can’t give you more hours yet but I can give you a raise.” Good enough for me. I’m not ready to go yet. I feel like I have not learned what I should learn. I need more organisation in my mind and it is time to do more complex stuff than I do. More time management of my/our production, more awareness. I find the fact that I only have to follow orders VERY luxurious. After having been the prime source of initiative in any job and in my own company for years, only following orders is so, so, so very, very comforting. Also: initiative is dead, or possibly resting. I think it is hibernating somewhere in the ground somewhere. It will come back to me, it needs rest. πŸ™‚

Another wisdom on the work floor: One of my colleagues said the other day ‘I spent the whole Sunday afternoon crying because here I am, 44 and still at a lousy salary working for a boss I dislike.’ And I replied: “Yeah, sometimes life is like that. 😦 That is what it is. :-(” Which are actually his own exact words to me when I said something like that a few months ago. He nodded and I continued “I spend the whole weekend trying to figure out what I want from life. NOTHING!! Came up.” (Well, yes the chips and sex but I wasn’t going to say that, and that was the weekend before the other so technically I did not lie.) And he replied: “Well, maybe that is it then?” Which, true or not true, was a tremendous eye-opener.

Sometimes, when words are spoken my energy moves with them and him saying this made me internally topple over into nothingness because suddenly I realised there was indeed NOTHING out there. Because of the toppling over I had to refind my balance in the center again. So this tremendous emptiness I experienced threw me back into myself. I’m guessing, thinking now of what my therapist ones said, hope I do him justice in translating it: “Life in itself has no purpose, we have to make our own purpose.” Which I still hope is not exactly true but the effect is that it made me look inside instead of outside. πŸ™‚ Haven’t found shit but that is ok/ok-ish/very frustrating.

Not sure where this needs to head or should or whatever, but realising that maybe, maybe, maybe I am not a person with a tremendously interesting life and future is something that I need to accept. This ‘tomorrow I will be fantastic’ mode has kept me looking into the future, floating on a false hope and irreality, feeling all succesful when no reason can be found connected to the real me in the real life. It is an addict trait connected to the wanting to feel normal and being special. Not sure how it works today. It would be where I write this very mediocre blog and still, somehow, hope that someone, somewhere may see that it is actually grandiose. πŸ˜€ Yeah. :-/

So, future? No idea. I’m thinking I stay with this job at least till (A. if you read this, hold on to yourself now) the husband of one of my best friends has died and she is at least sort of settled back into ‘normal’ life again. He has cancer in a very advanced state, very little body weight and life force left. It is difficult to see how his, I don’t know, life force? personality? consciousness? is disintegrating. Like his aura is getting vague like a badly taken photo and it, well, flickers (is that a word?) on and off like bad reception on TV when we still had an antenna. I have seen this before with the eight other people in my life who have had a long death-bed but I drank it away. Seeing it now for real is confronting. Brings back memories of my mother, and the others, but mostly of my mother’s death. Adults of average length weighing 40-50 kilo and the presence of death and decay. 😦 It is tough. With drinking this is one of my biggest regrets: that I drank during the years that my mother was ill and leading up to her death and after. Not that I was drunk when visiting her. Well, I was once. But I drank the reality and discomfort away, and with that I flushed away my senses and the awareness of what was going on. :-/ I am sorry mom. I am so sorry. I wish I could have done it differently.

I am happy that I quit. Every morning I make my bed and I set my mind for the day by realising that I am happy that I quit. No matter what, everything would be worse if I had not. Well, I am pretty sure I would not have been alive today if I had not quit. Sometimes that is not good for a few seconds, but most of the time it is. I have realised that ‘wanting to quit it all’ has, over the years, become a standard reply to adversary. Which, I guess, in itself is something I would now call ‘a misunderstanding of Life’. πŸ™‚ Like so many of my standard reactions and well, addiction in itself.

I need: whaa, don’t want to realise it but I need to do my finances. Check up on what has come in over the last few months. :-/ Don’t want to.

I want: some more money to have some freedom in ‘small’ things like going to the sauna. But I also realise that I think… that my relation with money should improve and that I will have money issues until I start to take it seriously and not be in denial about it. This is a thing where addiction is still active in my life.

WWAWWLHD: she would ask help with this. If she dared. Brrr, can’t. I did put up signs with ‘WWAWWLHD’ all through the house to again and again make me realise that I can make good choices instead of ‘just’ go along with my (destructive) tendencies. It worked very well for a few days. Now I don’t see the signs anymore, the belong to the furniture (another Dutch saying). So I guess I need to set the egg-timer to remind me. What I think is really funny about the ‘What would a woman who loves herself do’ question, is that at first I thought it would make me eat more chocolate, watch more Netflix and go to bed deep in the night. While actually it makes me do the opposite AND enjoy that. πŸ™‚

I take: some Schuessler salts to lift my breasts. Ghegheghe, it looks like it is working. Don’t want to take them too often because I think I’m starting to find out that the workings of the salts are actually pretty strong in me and I lose balance easily.

On sugar: still eating chocolate and dates. I try to quit over and over again and it does not work so I let it be. Let’s see how this develops. There is one thing which has changed while sobering up: I can not force anything anymore. It is like all my decision power is stuck in ‘not drinking’ while actually…. I don’t really think I need that because not drinking has been, no guarantees, but it has been easy for me. Or maybe I can imagine I do not need it because I did pour everything I had in that decision. πŸ™‚ Dunno. Is there anybody who recognises this or has something similar?

Ooh, thought on my life and future I want to note down. I think my inner most problems are actually my many abilities and my one ability to streamline them. My life force is shattered and not focussed. Working helps but I guess that at this moment I am ready for something more. More challenge. I do have doubts because I do not feel safe with my boss. I feel she likes to set me up for failure. Hmmm, we’re going to do a review any of these days so I’ll bring that up. I have no intention of hiding. But haha, this time I should take time to verb my thoughts better than the last time.

Aaah! The other day, my boss and I were speaking about my plans for Kings day (BIG, very festive national holiday): I told here I wanted to set up a stall and sell ‘niets is het nieuwe iets’ which translates into: ‘nothing is the new something’ and sell literally nothing. Small nothing for 1 Euro, medium nothing for 2,50, large nothing for 5 Euro’s and a sample nothing for 50 cents. I have a whole philosophy behind that which include terms like decluttering, tax- and worry free and a whole lot more. I love sales talks and I am actually very good at making up entertaining nonsense on the spot. Which is part of the flea market sales of Kings day. My boss looked at my like ‘You are every bit as crazy as I thought you were.’ and said: “If you make more than 10 Euro’s with that….” And I added: “You will double it?!” She grinned and said: “How do I know you speak the truth?”
“Well, you know me by now. I can not lie.”
“I’m thinking you are starting to learn that when it comes to speaking with me.” (which is actually an attempt I made some day to protect a colleague so yes, well, she knew I knew she knew I was lying so it was not actually lying…. :-D)
And I, in all my enthusiasm replied: “Ooh! Yeah! That is true! :-)” In a ‘glad you noticed my efforts way and continued: “I was thinking that would be good for me. Life skills, you know.”

Gheghegheghe…. She rolled her eyes. πŸ™‚ Yeah, what can you say? I can’t lie, I can try, but give myself away when one asks if it is true. Ghegheghe, aaahrg… Life skills. I’m guessing she herself is so totally skilled in manipulating people who this guileless approach confuses her sometimes. I guess in that I do not take my job seriously. I do not want to have to plan, and set up a scheme and ‘when she says this I will say that’. I want to believe that this is a good thing but I am starting to doubt if it is not laziness or lack of focus disguised as guilelessness. Dunno, we will see.

‘Love’, sex, intimacy and loneliness are still big topics on my daily thoughts but nothing substantial is happening apart from that I sometimes, when I can, if I can, try to observe my presence in this and how I approach the subject. With vigour. πŸ˜€ Sigh.

Ok, wishing you a nice sober day/evening. Hope you are happy that you quit and if you are not: I found it very informative to check out what misconception of booze I have/had that is/was standing between me and sobriety/living clear/living. The misconception will show up when you can not be happy about it. It is possible that you think it is a real reason. That exactly is the trap. Alcohol is poison. :-/ Right at this moment I think: “I wish I was not so susceptible to is so I could phase out with a beer.” Which tells me that I am suddenly not happy that I quit and that my need to phase out is big. Alcohol was the tool by which I did so. So that what I think is my initial source of addiction ‘not really wanting to be here on this earth’ is showing up again. It normally does that when I feel pressure from the outside to do something I am scared of. Finances mostly. Finances to me are the absolute proof I am a failure. :-/ Maybe my fear of finances is not because of the finances but because of the failure feeling I associate with it. Ghegheghe, I check these kind of thoughts by tricking my mind into thinking that I rock! finances and yes, there it is: it are not the finances. If I would think I rock them there is no problem in picking up anything. So, it is the connection with failure. Hmmm… Don’t want to think more about this. End of the paragraph.

Again; nice day! πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling

What would a person who loves herself do?

Just got to let you know! I have been practicing this ‘What would a person who loves herself do’ thing from the vid from yesterday. I did it forΒ  one day now and it is amazing how my view changes! In small things and in bigger things, not in big things yet but I’m guessing that could follow. Like this morning, I was making the bed, disliking it. And I thought ‘wwapwlhd?’ and I realised she would not bother with wasting energy on disliking it. It is a cool concept!

Because there is a reflection through ‘the unseen other women who loves herself’ the whole thinking structure bypasses my own sabotaging system. πŸ™‚ Because it is not about me, it is about her and I then apply it to myself. Let’s see where this brings me. πŸ™‚

Bit anxious because I am planning to visit a company and do an intro of myself (cold call) for a job intro. I can’t write letters of application currently, I sabotage. But I can visit people. If that is the way to go, that is the way to go.

I am happy that I quit. This morning I woke up and in that moment between sleep and awake I felt yeah, hold yourself, I felt the ghosts / souls of the animals I have eaten leave my body through my breath. I feel way better now. I have this thing with being a vegetarian because I think I should but I also, well, used to, like meat. After the vid from Sadhguru on why meat is not such a good idea the subject has been on and off my mind. And while walking the food store and doing the ‘what would my body like to eat’ I bypass the meat. I sort of think I still can eat fish but actually, I don’t. The whole well ‘idea’ (?) has to do with becoming clear and meat dims the brain and soul and life energy. I’m thinking one can’t go around killing animals or people for that matter and thinking that clarity will come from that. But I never set out to do this and now this insights are happening without me hmmm, ‘wanting’ it? If that makes sense? I mean, I’ve got enough on my plate – ghegheghe, no pun intended – well, let’s leave it at that.

I take: Ayurvedic pills

Wwapwlhd?: She would not write a blog here but prepare the job application to give herself the best possible chances.

I want: these people to call me and offer me the job for 3 days and 4 times the salary. Hmm, maybe I should become realistic about my wishes. I wish myself a conscious learning experience with hopefully a good outcome.

3 Things: this wwawwlhd? practise, liking it. 2 The veggie insights, 3 Me daring to go to a job interview. Oooooh no, I don’t dare. Oooh shit. I’m don’t think I am in a good place to do this but I told myself I would.

On discipline. Well let’s see for the next post if I did this. πŸ™‚

Hope you have a nice day!

xx, Feeling

Blocks, blocks, blocks, blocks and some insights from outside.

Well, I’m there where I need to be: experiencing bears on the road and blocks in me everywhere. Life does not stream anymore in me which is becoming very obvious now. I had some ups a few weeks back but now I’m sort of stuck in the same place as before. The problem now is not the lack of energy, it has come down to what has been the issue all of my life: I do not like me and I do not like being here or practical versions of that in experiencing a fear to introduce myself to recruiters/HR.

I have become very sensitive about how I look. I’m guessing that the incident with the book store man has to do with that too. I am starting to experience what it is to have grey hair and to be 45 without kids to look back upon. A friend send some pictures of me playing with her kids outside. I look like a freaking elephant. It would be a running, laughing, smiling, dancing, active elephant with a shitload of beautiful grey hair. And I only see the elephant, the aging elephant who can deal with kids but not with adults. I see the kids I never had, feeling how much it hurts to be not even considered as a relation option by any man of my own age. Only elderly guys looking for a big mama experience. After elderly man number 6 showed up it is not funny anymore. 😦

The bookstore man once said: ‘Feeling, you HAVE to love yourself otherwise you can not BE in a relation.’ He’s right. And I can not. And then I want him to love me because I can not which is where the longing is. And obviously I feel lousy when he does not which…. makes the issue even bigger. I realise now that I have always wanted the other to fix me, to complete me.

Since I have been circling around these internal blocks for a few weeks now the structure of my self destruction becomes more and more clear. Obviously I have to do stuff because of financial reasons.

So when Nick Ortner with tapping on financial issues came along I watched his vids. I think tapping works really well, but only if we are, ok, I am, able to see where I am at. ‘Just’ tapping on positive things will not work. It works wonders for me however when I tap and find the right words; a whole world of attached experiences opens up, like a magician drawing a line of knotted handkerchiefs out of his sleeve. Those attached experiences I find very helpful because they give information on how things came about and about the, eh, size (?) of the field. The scope might be a better word.

I am currently at video 3. It starts with ‘love and accept’ and I just can’t. So I went to look for other tapping scripts online for tapping on love and acceptance and I find I can not use them. I look at the person on the screen and think: I see these flashes of shame on your face while you do this, how can you say you have learned to love yourself? Or other, how am I supposed to believe it when I say ‘I never deserved to feel so guilty and ashamed.’ – while I actually do think I do?

Well, ask me and I will say I do not think so and rationalise the shit out of it but deep down, well, not so deep down, I am struggling with worth, with love, with compassion. So I looked further and found Teal Swan. She is the unruly, spiritual witch version of BrenΓ© Brown with a tiny bit of a commercial sauce which took me a bit of getting used to but I like it a lot so; hang in there. And eh, if you, as some might wonder how somebody so beautiful and brainy might not experience self-love -as I did as I was focussing all the the self destruct on appearance now-Β  …. she also had 13 years of ritual sexual abuse and torture in her young life so…. :-/Β  😦

Hope you enjoy. I specifically liked her practise of asking yourself ‘What would a person who loves herself do in this situation’. Beautiful, started applying it in a lot of things today and it gave great peace.

Part of my search for self love is about The Other and how I hope whatever He can solve my issues. Together, complete, forever, blablabla, well, we all know the fairy tale. So on my outing to the give away store I found ‘The invisible partners’ by J.A. Sanford which describes ghegheghe, the Jungian view of male-female and anima (female part within the man) and animus (male part within the women). How well-timed by the Universe. It’s a good read. Laughing my head of while reading next to the bonfire at the store. It eh, gives insight in how we (I!) project our animus in the man and make him our (my!) hero and to what problems this leads. Very good info, specifically for a person like me who has a rather inflammable heart. And easy to read because he does confirm my assumptions that falling in love is nothing more than a net of projections I cast over the other by which I try to real him in. Yeah, dark.

Then again: if somebody feels like he fits the projections…. :-D. Well, obviously such a relation is not sustainable but I’m not there where he explains how to do it differently. I am reading! Not Netflixing, because a person who loves herself would be reading. πŸ™‚

I am happy that I quit, even though I stumble over every little thing I am working on what I believe are my 2 basic issues: not liking me and not wanting to really be in this world. So: good!

I need: I think I will change this into ‘What would a person who loves herself do?’ (WWAPWLHD?) A person who loves herself would continue to read for another 15 minutes and then go to bed.

I want: well, now I sort of think to know how it works and had the learning experience I feel it is MY RIGHT for things to become easy :-D. Aaaah, still living a dream.

I take: Ayurvedic pills and I notice swelling of my breasts which I am curious about. See where that goes.

On discipline: the WWAPWLHD? works better than berating.

On sugar: the other day I worked out that I did not want sugar, I just felt bad and wanted sugar to fix that. So I changed over to dates. Less poisonous. And with the WWAPWLHD I can keep the intake at 5 and be happy instead of 20 and still be unhappy. Let’s see.

3 Things: the book I found, the video I found, my determination to keep on looking for where I CAN find an answer. I feel I have to blast a trail through this sobriety stuff but well, obviously I seem to like it that way. Or I am doing all that not to do what I should be doing…. :-/ Who knows? I think it is both actually.

Hope you are having a good day. πŸ™‚

xx, Feeling